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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd very distressed

335 replies

Springwalk · 03/05/2019 10:07

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

OP posts:
TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 03/05/2019 14:02

You op clearly states that you spoke to each parent individually, the story seems to be changing now, ever so slightly...

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 14:03

quartz2208 Yes we are. It is the one thing that becomes very difficult, the next school contest.

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BookwormMe2 · 03/05/2019 14:04

Sorry, I misunderstood you, I thought you'd specifically told the parents so they could tell their children, but it sounds like your daughter told them anyway.

The mum you've just mentioned sounds nice - can you talk to her and tell her how upset you are by the girls leaving your DD out?

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 14:05

Thegrey Yes I did speak to them individually, I had coffee with two of them individually, saw the other two on separate occasions at the school gate in passing, and the last one in her kitchen making lunch for another friends birthday. It was in passing on all occasions and not a big deal, and hasn't been ever since. The last few weeks have been tricky, but before then all fine.

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Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 14:08

I told the parents in passing and my dd told her friends.

I would and could speak to the mums that are really kind, but I am worried about putting them in a difficult position. I had hoped that it would stop. Maybe the teacher having a quiet word might be better?

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Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 14:11

mustbedue When this happened to you were you surprised? My dd is genuinely really hurt. Did you stay in touch or I am assuming you could not wait to leave??

My dd is now saying she can't wait go, I hope the determination happens for her in the same way it did for you. I would like to think this experience will make her stronger. For now all I can see is a bewildered child who has lost her footing a little, as she loves her friends very much.

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BookwormMe2 · 03/05/2019 14:13

If my friend had an issue with my child and went to teacher first without talking to me, I'd be really upset. Plus, if you're worried things are tricky between you and the other parents now, them finding out you've spoken to the school is not going to help. Reach out to the nicest/friendliest one and see what kind of reaction you get first.

Fazackerley · 03/05/2019 14:14

Right. She lives her friends I get that but clearly her friends aren't enough to keep her at the school so you need to start being a bit brisker with yourself and start to look forward rather than back.

DistanceCall · 03/05/2019 14:20

The two or three bullies probably heard malicious gossip about you and your child at home, and they are just repeating what they heard, influencing the others. Which is plan nasty.

I'm very sorry, OP. Talk to the nicer parents and the teacher and see what can be done. And, as PPs, you and your child should start looking forwards into the future - try to get her excited about the new school and the friends she'll make there, etc.

bigKiteFlying · 03/05/2019 14:25

I'd talk to the teacher first - see if they have noticed anything and to tell them your DD is struggling a bit emotionally, so they are aware and can comment or offer support.

I wouldn't go in accusing anyone of anything just express concerns - and perhaps mentioned the family bereavement if they aren’t aware.

I'd think about talking to the other parents depending on what the teacher says - if she had noticed something I'd be more likely to try and have a word with other parents.

Peaches39 · 03/05/2019 14:29

I'm sorry that you and ur DD had to go through this. Something similar happened to us couple of years ago when my daughter moved to a better school, she was 7 at the time so slightly younger but we didn't tell anyone until the last week of term but I knew already that some of the mums already knew when they started excluding us from all events( birthday parties or mums nights out) There was not even a single wish of good luck from any of her friends or mums . My DD settled very quickly in to her new school , made new friends and 2 years on she is very happy . I have however learned not to get too close with any of the parents in her new school and believe it is soo much better that way . You just need to let your daughter raise above it and keep positive. Good luck xx

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 14:32

Yes I think I will start with the teacher, and find out what is happening, and then speak to the parents if need be. I was hoping the teacher may give them all a general reminder to be kind, not to exclude others that sort of thing rather than pin point actual children.

I wish we could stay, but we all have to move on at some point, so there is no point to hold her back because she has (had) nice friends. I think we would have regret such a decision, she is ultimately at school to learn, but I can't say this has been easy.

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BookwormMe2 · 03/05/2019 14:32

I think DistanceCall might be right. You have to be really careful what you say in front of kids at their age, because they soak up everything. So if the parents have been disparaging about your daughter winning her place, their DDs might've overheard and are mirroring their reaction.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 14:37

peaches it is horrible isn't it, and even worse if your little one is only seven years old. You decided not to say anything, but people still found out. It is very difficult to keep anything like this under wraps, but very disappointing that they also did the same thing to you and your dd.
Did you dd notice that she was not invited to parties? Hopefully not, and with a little luck she may have been too young.

There appears no easy way to handle this type of thing, we just have to get through.

Sounds like a good decision for your dd, and she sounds very happy now. You must be relieved for her, and pleased to be able to keep a bit more of a distance now going forward.

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Lavellan · 03/05/2019 14:38

Just remember from the other children's point of view it's your DD leaving them. They might be hurt to see her go and this is how they are acting out on those feelings.

I went to a really tiny school and when one boy left to go overseas we still joked about him for TEN YEARS until he came back. Grin

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 14:41

bookworm I think distance has hit the mark, as one of the girls started saying her future school is far better than dd's new school, and comparing its position in the league tables etc etc. Surely this kind of stuff has to have come from the parents, as what kind of child looks through the league tables at ten?!

In fact all the girls seem to be arguing about which one is the 'best' one. This has become quite a theme and they are all falling out over it, dd to now has stayed out of it and doesn't get involved. I have warned her never to get involved in these pitch battles about schools. Each school is good for different reasons.

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Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 14:44

lavellan That is so funny!! :) I can't believe he actually came back too Grin must have been a very good school

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roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 03/05/2019 14:53

I'm not sure why people seem sure the parents have been filling their daughters heads with nasty stuff. IME and I've had plenty, 9, 10 and 11 year old girls can be utterly horrid, especially to each other. Are you absolutely 100 % sure your daughter hasn't been saying anything about her new school? Or is it all everyone else's fault? Again that's every 10 year old girls default setting - it's not my fault. It might be or might not. A quick word to the teacher to let her know what is going on should suffice.

wengie · 03/05/2019 14:55

Black crab in the barrel comes to mind with this. My DP thought he had the best friends ever until he educated himself and could answer the hard questions on the telly. They all bad mouthed him behind his back. He was as thoughtful and generous as you. They might not like you have you ever thought about that. They have seen you everyday for 7 years they cant ignore you all they can do is put up with you and vice versa you put up with them.

I think bookworm has a point the parents are talking about you to there partner or child. Why else would they behave in that way.

wengie · 03/05/2019 15:00

one of the girls started saying her future school is far better than dd's new school, and comparing its position in the league tables etc etc. Surely this kind of stuff has to have come from the parents, as what kind of child looks through the league tables at ten?!

You're still having a get together bloody hell. Where does that sit with you morally.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 03/05/2019 15:04

Oh, what a mess you’ve created, op...

And now all the girls are arguing about their future schools, but your dd has stayed completely out of it. Come on!
It’s gone from “it’s going to be dreadfully upsetting for one or two of them, they’ve been crying lots at home” to none of them giving a shit and having already moved on.

All while you cry so hard that your eyes have all but swelled shut.

All the drama appears to be coming from you.
You really need to get some perspective on this, and how much (or little) it really matters to anyone outside your own family.
It’s odd that you offhandedly describe the other girl who got a place at your dd’s school as having not been at your current school long enough to make any meaningful friendships, but some of your dd’s “core” group have been there the same length of time? What’s that about, then?
The group have quite clearly experienced people moving schools before and lived to tell the tale?? Confused.
They’ll survive your daughter’s departure too, never fear.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 15:11

wengie

It is new to me, and to all of us, this kind of competitive element creeping in. I guess it must be their age, and becoming aware of what is expected of some of them perhaps. Yes not ideal for dds birthday party but I am switching that to an activity so I am hopeful that will fix it.

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Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 15:12

thegrey Confused

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Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 15:20

wengie I am pretty sure they like me, otherwise I guess they wouldn't invite me to coffee/ lunch/dinner and shopping together. I don't think that is an issue.

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BookwormMe2 · 03/05/2019 16:13

The other girls are bringing up league tables and they're arguing about which school is best?! That proves you've got a massive parent problem, not a DD's friends one. Your DD winning a place and leaving has put some noses out of joint. I don't know how you can rectify it, other than ask the teacher to keep an eye on your DD and wait it out until July. I think confronting the adults at this stage will make things worse.