To getting annoyed when people say ‘you look well’

[MrsMaow]

I had my baby almost 6 months ago and I know (hope) it won’t be permanent but currently I look fat, exhausted, and my skin is somehow covered in spots and dry and flaky at the same time, just generally haggard. I do not look well.

I saw a few people today that I haven’t seen since DD was born and every single one of them said a variation of ‘you’re looking well’ - if this is me looking well what the fuck do they think I looked like before.

I think I probably ABU to be so annoyed but am I really?!

Next time I see someone looking well, I will tell them that they look like they've been dug up, as I would hate to offend them with my bastard compliments.

This place gets more unreasonable every day

This place gets more unreasonable every day
Totally agree.
The 'pick things up from the shop' thread is just as barking!

@SarahMontague I sometimes say "you look well - have you lost weight?"

This of course would not be allowed on MN because it assumes a connection between weight and health.

@NottonightJosepheen - I'll take your reassurance, thank you! Sure everyone says it!

I hate this phrase - coming from a mental health aspect. Also what would you say to me if I was looking unwell?

I genuinely did think it was a euphemism meaning you've gained weight..

For reference, a lot of the comments/stuff MN doesn't like doesn't bother me - I don't care if people ask me about having more children, don't mind being called love/sweetheart/darling, happy to answer a knock at the door, don't feel one way or the other about unisex changing rooms at the swimming pool etc..

I hate this phrase - coming from a mental health aspect. Also what would you say to me if I was looking unwell?
Hey are you ok? You don't seem yourself today? Is what I normally say.
I guess I'm going to be shot down by MN but fuck it!

what would you say to me if I was looking unwell?

I would say hello and ask you how you were doing.

I live in London but come from an Irish background. I’ve only ever heard Irish people say this and IME it’s a compliment although not always one used honestly!

My MIL often told people they look well. Then when they’d left, she’d drop her voice and mutter ‘Well, isn’t He/she dreadful failed?’ Which either means they’ve aged or they look to be at deaths door.

Sadly a few years ago she too became dreadful failed and is no longer with us to practice her well meant duplicity.

I only ever get told I'm looking well when I lose weight!

I'm blown away by PP's responses.

I use "you look well" or variants thereof all the time and have never meant it in any other way than the literal - broadly speaking, that they seem healthy/happy/vital/energetic/whatever.

How bizarre that some may be inferring a passive-aggressive comment upon their weight.

I'm in Australia, though, so perhaps there's some cultural variance.

...Funnily enough, the somewhat more traditional alternatives that are being suggested like "you look good" actually do contain an implied value-judgement about someone's appearance and presentation - i.e. that they look good/not good/bad.

It is a presumption (often a sexist one) to feel entitled to not only make such a value-judgement of someone's 'appealing-ness', but actually comment upon same.

...Unless the person is close to you or has invited such a critique.

I think you have hit the nail on the head BiteyShark

Looking well doesn't mean you look fat in my area. It means you look good. Don't take it to heart op.

I need some Irish people to weigh in on this. People are always saying this on Ireland but if they're saying it to me it might well mean fat
No AFAIK it means you look well. If you look wrecked, We say you're looking tired, if your looking fat who gives a shit, but you'd hear you've put on a few pounds.

Looking well means looking well.

First world problems

Friends used to say this to me when I had Breast cancer. Even when I was bald they said it 😒
Is it supposed to be uplifting or something ? 🙄

I use "you look well" or variants thereof all the time and have never meant it in any other way than the literal - broadly speaking, that they seem healthy/happy/vital/energetic/whatever.

So do I

How bizarre that some may be inferring a passive-aggressive comment upon their weight.

Isn't it just?

I'm in Australia, though, so perhaps there's some cultural variance.

No, there isn't as far as I know; it just appears that certain people have a tendency to overthink and somehow manage to find some hidden meaning in my well intended comments. I'm sincere; if I didn't mean it, I wouldn't say it.

Even when I was bald they said it. Is it supposed to be uplifting or something ?

Yes, I assume that it is, unless you believe that people are being disingenuous. I'm bald. I'm glad that people still feel able to pay me a compliment.

I do get that what works for me, doesn't for others though. And that's what makes things somewhat tricky. It'd be very sad if we stopped communicating for fear of having something taken the wrong way

Whenever anyone has said this to me it's meant that I'm pregnant!!

YABU! They're giving you a compliment. Get a grip!

I often say well, and I mean well - I dont mean fat, or tired or anything else. I mean well.

Hopefully someone will tell you you look like you are Shrek then you can be proper offended because of an offensive thing rather than finding offence in everything.

This!

In my limited experience I have only seen this on MN
@TapasforTwo
It really isn't just a mumsnet thing. The phrase does have hidden meaning, and while many (like myself) use it unambiguously, there are just as many people who use it to mean the recipient of the compliment has gained weight. As this tweet that I posted upthread shows (pic re-attached).

Right so I have learned from this thread that:

Some people say it, mean it, and don’t get offended at the suggestion that other people may say it as code for something else, or that someone hearing it could interpret it differently.

Some people say it, mean it, and get varying degrees of offended at the suggestion that other people may say it and not mean it, or that someone may hear it and interpret it differently.

Others say it when they mean the person they are addressing is looking well given the circumstances they are in as they were expecting them to look way worse.

Some people say it and mean that the person they are addressing has gained weight. Maybe not many people, but some.

Interesting

Thanks to everyone who posted, particularly the nice supportive ones.

For what it’s worth to those that asked, I’d really prefer people to not comment on my appearance at all, but if I they feel the need to and I look like shrek then yes I would prefer to be told that than a lie.

whyohwhy I'm sorry for your loss but "well meant duplicity" had me laughing - I know the type!

I say people look well when they look .......well eg healthy and glowing. It is only ever a compliment. Sometimes I say it if someone has lost weight and I wouldn't want to directly comment on the weight loss, but they look....well.
I had no idea some people used well as a negative. Worried about all the people I may have upset.