To getting annoyed when people say ‘you look well’

[MrsMaow]

I had my baby almost 6 months ago and I know (hope) it won’t be permanent but currently I look fat, exhausted, and my skin is somehow covered in spots and dry and flaky at the same time, just generally haggard. I do not look well.

I saw a few people today that I haven’t seen since DD was born and every single one of them said a variation of ‘you’re looking well’ - if this is me looking well what the fuck do they think I looked like before.

I think I probably ABU to be so annoyed but am I really?!

I think this is one of those things that sorts the cynical twats who think it’s normal to use veiled insults from the regular people who, on balance, tend to mean what they say.

Group 1 thinks this expression is “code” for YOU ARE FAT because that’s what they would mean if they were to say it.

Group 2 just thinks Group 1 is batshit.

Why are (some) people giving the OP a hard time? (And giving the posters who are on her side a hard time too?)

People are entitled to feel slighted and aggrieved at anything they choose, without being chastised or told to get a grip/get a life.

And as so many posters are saying they take 'you look well' as 'you have gained weight,' there must be something in it. I think this too. In some instances, It IS an underhand way of saying 'you are fatter than last time I saw you.'

Some people may not mean anything bad by saying 'you look well' but some people DO say it as a way to imply you put on weight. I have had people say it why I have gained weight, and I know that is what they are hinting at.

I once had a neighbour of my parents tell me 'hey golden, long time no see. You look well. You look better now you've gained some weight.' I was so fucked off I could have knocked her out.

What's more, why does anyone have to comment on how you look anyway?!

Another thing I hate is when people say 'you look different.' My friend's brother gets this. He left a workplace he had been at for 20 years back in 2009, (when he was 44,) and since then he has let his hair go white (he dyed it for years after starting to go grey at 33/34,) and grown a (white) beard, and gained 4 stone. Every time he sees an ex colleague, they say 'oh hi Steve. OMG you look different,' with a look... or 'you got fat!' Or 'what the fuck has happened to your hair grandad?'

I also have a friend who went out with her daughter last week to see an aunt they hadn't seen for a year. The aunt said to her daughter 'ooh hello Chloe... You're growing fast. I didn't recognise you. You look like my neighbour's grandaughter; you've got the same big round face.'

So fucking rude. As I said, why comment on how someone looks anyway? It's rude, and rather obnoxious. And also utterly unnecessary! Whether it's a comment on their grey hair, their weight gain, or their weight loss, or whether it's that they look 'different...'

People think they deserve some kind of medal for telling someone they lost weight. As I said, why do you need to comment on someone's appearance at ALL?

And as I said, cut people some slack who are offended .. they are entitled, especially if they have been slagged off, criticised, and scrutinised when they were growing up (often by their family/their parents.)

I think 64sNewName has it in a nutshell.

Honestly, how fragile must your self esteem be to get annoyed at "You look well"?!

I never ever say it, but if some wanker says it to me I know what it means.

I agree that it must be regional. To the people saying that's not what it means...yes it is around here. Might be different where you are but around here it's an insult.

@GroggyLegs

Honestly, how fragile must your self esteem be to get annoyed at "You look well"?!

And..........?

What is your point?

Why are you so irritated and angry with people who are insecure, with low self esteem?

Says more about you to be honest.

I am sceptical of claims it’s regional. It might be specific to certain social groups, I guess. But regional variation in language doesn’t really tend to show a pattern where, within the same nation/society, a phrase that literally reads as a gentle compliment warps into a clear, unambiguous insult (strong enough to make some of you very angry!) in another town or city.

Those who think it’s an insult “around here” - maybe in your social group/among people who share your outlook. But that isn’t everyone.

I think it can mean either .. you are looking well as in you are looking genuinely good or as a snide way of saying you have put on weight .. and actually some people do look better when they gain some weight .
I bumped into an ex the other day funnily enough and he said “ you are looking really well”
Unusual for me and my luck I had a full face off make up on, I was 40 minutes out of the hairdressers and had my fabulous new spring coat on .. and I’ve not gained weight .. he did mean you look nice .
Perhaps it’s also however your feeling on that day OP

No-one said it IS everyone.

That was to @64sNewName ^

The only time someone told me I looked well I was most definitely not fat. I was wearing clothes thst suited me, and I felt good in them. This was in Leeds BTW.

I agree with 64sNewName about groups 1 and 2.

@Thisimmortalcurl

and actually some people do look better when they gain some weight.

Maybe.

But I challenge you to find a single person in the western world, who is happy to hear 'you look better since you put weight on!'

Golden a couple of people have said it’s regional in the broad sense of “everyone round here uses it that way” (I am paraphrasing, rather than quoting a specific pp) and that’s all I was responding to.

My point being, it doesn’t seem like the regional variation idea explains how polarised this thread is.

I say it to people when they genuinely look well. It never crossed my mind it would come across as calling them fat! Whenever someone has said it to me I take it as a compliment.

Sometimes women who have babies even toddlers, have a glow about them which is nice really and nothing to do with weight

@goldenchicken .. not many I grant you.

It's better than being told 'you look pale' or 'you look tired' which is what I still get at 4 weeks post birth and have done since the midwives in hospital! I told them I always look tired and pale and they checked with dp to see how much paler and more tired I looked than normal. Flattering. So I'd be pretty happy with 'you look well' personally!

@SarahMontague - you do realise that Bluntness does a little dance every time someone rises to her bait?

Some quite rude comments on this thread! So many people on mn think other opinions are wrong if it's not the same as theirs.
Op YANBU to worry about the comment you had as alot of people, including myself, would feel the same at the comment you had been given, alot of people would instead see it as a compliment, which is great for them.
I think it all depends on how your feeling about yourself at the time! If your feeling good your gonna take it as a compliment, if your not feeling at your best then you probably won't!
But I'm sure you don't look as bad to others, as you feel about yourself!

Yup - my DM's husband only tells me I'm looking well when I've put on weight! It's definitely not meant as a compliment, but he's an arse!

I don't assume everyone else means it this way though!

My mum absolutely means it as "you look fat". I know this for a fact because she's told me as much (then later said I looked well having forgotten she'd explained it to me!) so I just assume if other people say it they mean the same. The other word she uses is "bonny"

In case anyone knows me in real life, please apply the following to anything I say to you:

• You look good = you look fit and healthy and positive
• You look like shit = either you've complained how ill you are and I'm agreeing that you look full of a cold / pale as anything / about to vomit, or you've turned up covered in mud and bruises and have obviously had a nasty accident / been mugged in a marsh and are just about to tell me that but need me to ask first and sound interested
• You look nice = either you look nice because you've dressed up for something and look good or I particularly like your outfit / tan / hair, or you're wearing something that I'm finding you particularly sexy in but I can't say 'phwoarr' without getting some funny looks.
• You're looking healthy = you're looking healthy.

I won't be implying you're fat/morbidly obese/look pregnant when you're not - I may think it but then I won't be saying anything at all to you. I certainly won't be paying you insults that sound like compliments to any normal being. Sometimes people say things that you don't need to take offence at

You sound fun goldenchicken.

I say this when the person just looks 'happy and healthy'. It is more personal and friendly than a 'happy to see you' greeting.

I use this phrase from time to time, only when I actually mean it, and thinking about it, often when the person has actually lost weight!

I wouldn't be insulted if someone said it to me! (In South East England if that makes a difference.)

No one I know would say this and mean fat. It means you look healthy and happy.