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Original poster

When a waitress calls you 'dear'

171 replies

Rafabella8 · 02/05/2019 14:51

What does everyone think of this? Regardless of age (late 40s in my case) I find it pretty condescending and patronising to be called 'dear' by a waitress. However friendly they are being. It happened to me today - how would you react?

OP posts:
JenniferJareau · 02/05/2019 16:51

It wouldn't have even registered with me as a 'thing'.

Nothininmenoggin · 02/05/2019 16:56

There are far worse things to be offended by than being called "dear". Poor lady was just trying to be friendly to her customers. If it bothers you that much just don't go in there again.

BossAssBitch · 02/05/2019 17:02

This thread is depressing. The fact that some people are offended by someone being nice. Utterly dispiriting.

OP, please get over yourself, you sound insufferable

Gingernaut · 02/05/2019 17:06

Come to the West Midlands or the Black Country.

At 51, I'm routinely referred to as "Chick", "Chicken" and "Bab" by shop assistants less than half my age....

BluntAndToThePoint · 02/05/2019 17:09

@Rafabella8 The actual location (formal or informal) is irrelevant - the fact you even said that makes you sound even more ridiculous. There really are more important things in life to get worked up about. In the grand scheme of things being called dear is no big deal. If she'd sworn at you, flung your meal at you or called you an old hag then I would be the first to agree with you that your waitress was in the wrong but not on this occasion. Life's too short to be so up in arms about something so trivial.

Babdoc · 02/05/2019 17:14

I think you’re all being very charitable, in assuming that the waitress meant it as a term of endearment. Maybe she did, but it’s equally possible that she didn’t.
If a younger person calls an older person “ dear”, it’s inappropriate, patronising, and borderline rude.
I have to grit my teeth if called it by shop assistants young enough to be my grandkids.
And one of our local villages has an extremely snotty and obstructive pharmacist who calls people “ dear” in a tone dripping with contempt. I drive a further 15 miles away, purely to deny her my business.
As many of you have said, tone of voice, and intention, are everything.
I used to call my patients “pet” sometimes - part of my Geordie heritage - when they were frightened and about to undergo major surgery. It helped to put them at ease before doing procedures such as spinals and epidurals on them, and I would always smile and welcome them by name into the anaesthetic room. Sometimes we’d share a joke together. It was never about me being a patronising doctor, just about being a human being, and they all seemed to take it in that spirit. Many of them were regular attenders, especially for bladder cancer checks. I certainly never had one complaint in 36 years.

Highheels1 · 02/05/2019 17:16

Ma’am and Madam make me shudder - to me both sounds like how a cap in hand servant would be expected to address an elderly lady.

I do like the more informal terms though - they’re not offensive unless delivered deliberately offensively imo.

englishdictionary · 02/05/2019 17:19

Only on Mumsnet are people offended by someone being nice to them Confused

Sux2buthen · 02/05/2019 17:21

I find life too short to waste my thoughts on some supposed offensive comment

notacooldad · 02/05/2019 17:22

I seriously couldn't care less if and when people call me dear, love, let whatever in a friendly manner.
If it is said to try and put me down, well that's different
Do you live in a Northern Town, if so I don't know how you cope!

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 02/05/2019 17:25

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I was brought up on the Bucks / Northants borders - I think it might have something to do with the Aylesbury duck - more colloquially known as the Bucks Duck, but I've also heard people from the midlands use duck - so who knows?

At least it's friendly Grin

TheFallenMadonna · 02/05/2019 17:33

I guess I just expected equality round the table. I noticed it happening on the next table too. The women were 'dears'.

Do you mean that "dear" was only for women, and men were something else? In which case the disparity might be worth noting.

Or are you suggesting that a waitress addressing you as "Madam" is more of a signifier of equality than her addressing you as "dear"? In which case I would have to disagree.

B3ck89 · 02/05/2019 17:35

Do people really get offended this easy Hmm

Buuuuuut : I now can’t look at the word ma’am without laughing so hard... it’s not sir, it’s ma’am 😂😂😂 those of you who haven’t seen it, must

Hadalifeonce · 02/05/2019 17:40

Loads of people around where I live call other people Duck, male/female from children to octogenarians, I found it a bit weird at first, but realised that it is just the way people speak, it's just another form of greeting.

SingingSands · 02/05/2019 17:45

I don't like any terms of endearment. They all make me inwardly cringe. I have no idea why!

The only one I've ever tolerated is my mum calling me "toots".

listsandbudgets · 02/05/2019 17:54

I dont mind at all. Darling, sweetie, lovely, chick, duck petal, pet, sweetheart What's wrong with it? A friendly greeting or way of addressing someone.. far rather that in my local cafe or from the bus driver or checkout lady or whoever really than "madam" ...

People need to stop taking offence. Its not as if they're meaning " right slut what do you want for dinner?" "thanks bitch hope you enjoyed it "

omione · 02/05/2019 18:02

Surely it is better than being referred to "as that miserable cow at table 8 "

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2019 18:06

Ali1cedowntherabbithole, thanks for the explanation. My nan used to call me this as a little girl (in Kent) and I used to complain bitterly. I'd give anything for her to be able to do that now.

As it is, I really, really like it as an endearment, it's just nice and snuggly, almost. I shall make a point of driving around Aylesbury, looking friendly and hopeful... Grin

Whatistheworldcominto · 02/05/2019 18:28

People need to stop taking offence. Its not as if they're meaning " right slut what do you want for dinner?" "thanks bitch hope you enjoyed it "

🤣 I might try this, see if it goes down better than being polite!

listsandbudgets · 02/05/2019 18:56

whatistheworldcominto I think there are people who pay to be spoken to like that.. new career??

Ronsters · 02/05/2019 18:59

I quite like regional names, love, pet, duck, whatever. One of the checkout assistants at my local Coop calls everyone cock (or cocker, once she gets to know you).

I think dear is a bit unusual and something I associate with the way older women are sometimes addressed, an old dear.
It wouldn't bother me to be called dear, unless it was in a patronising manner, as if I was a senile old lady.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/05/2019 19:04

My favourite regional name/endearment is hen - I’ve only come across it in Scotland, and I love being called hen!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/05/2019 19:11

I can't believe that people like you actually exist 😳

Also the best term is duck.
It's adorable and makes me feel all warm inside. Anyone who uses that is instantly a lovely person.

Whatistheworldcominto · 02/05/2019 19:21

@listsandbudgets

whatistheworldcominto I think there are people who pay to be spoken to like that.. new career??

Probably pays a lot more and involves less humiliation Grin

SrSteveOskowski · 02/05/2019 19:27

I swear there are people on here who wake up in the morning and plan what they're going to be offended by that day Hmm

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