When a waitress calls you 'dear'

[Rafabella8]

What does everyone think of this? Regardless of age (late 40s in my case) I find it pretty condescending and patronising to be called 'dear' by a waitress. However friendly they are being. It happened to me today - how would you react?

Some people would object to "madam" also OP. It can be used negatively as in "She's a right little madam!"

do you have internal misogyny you need to examine? Do you default to seeing "female" terms as lesser?

On the money

OP - may I ask, how old are you?

Female brothel-keepers are also called "Madams"

@sillysmiles. Nope. With 'guys' it's collective - and feels more acceptable.

at last!!! A meaningful response!

Writing off the responses from those who disagree with you as meaningless is vastly more patronising than a waitress calling you "dear".

do you have internal misogyny you need to examine? Do you default to seeing "female" terms as lesser?

That's what it sounds like.

@lookingelsewhere - yes, in that context certainly but not otherwise.

@HairycakeLinehan

Nope.

I'm not keen on any strangers calling me sweet, or bab, or mate or darling or whatever. Male, female, fish or fowl, if I don't know them I find it a bit inappropriate. I know they usually mean well but I'm just not into it.

My husband calls me honey, my mum calls me sweetheart, my younger brother calls me darl. My uncle calls me missy. The landlady (who I know) in my hometown calls me my lover. So no, it's not a male/female thing.

I'm Scottish and get called "hen" a lot. Lots of people hate this but I like it. Hen, doll, pal, love, Mrs, chick (don't like the last two though) are all friendly endearments where I'm from. Dear isnt really something that gets used around here but it wouldn't bother me.

I think you should never just look at the words - words by themselves can mean so many things (indeed, they can mean two opposite things at once).

So instead - I'd pay more attention to the intention of the person speaking the words, and the difference in position between you both...

For instance, if they are speaking to you as if they know better, or like you're a bit senile, then yes, I'd be offended. This would be especially true if they were in a position of authority and you were in a weaker state - (eg. I know that the NHS is thinking about imposing strict rules on how the nursing staff speak to their patients).

On the other hand, when you are being served by a waitress, and it's a light 'dear' at the end of a conversation - I'd take it in the manner with which it was mean - a lovely kind endearment.

I am on the fence with this one, i understand it can be patronising but when i worked in retail i realised i used these, i found i used it more when i was busy or when i had a genuine lovely customer so for that reason i never take offence (not even when men call me sweetheart/darling) but some people really dont like it, so do try to remember.

I will probably get flamed but i find its mainly a problem in London, back home everyone is called duck/hen/ban etc.

No problems with being called Dear. this snowflake attitude is so silly,

Urrgh you see ‘guys’ makes my skin absolutely crawl!! But ‘dear’ from a waitress wouldn’t bother me especially if I heard her addressing the next table in a similar way. I would just assume its the thing she calls people (if you are lucky enough to go up north, you might get called ‘hen’ which I just love!!)

On the other hand, two chuggers lurking outside the petrol station door just now addressed me as ‘my lovely’ which bloody annoyed me. 1) you are young enough to be my son and 2) I am not ‘your’ anything and 3) would you call a man that? (Also 4) I have PMT but that’s by the by ).

I don't mind being called love or dear by a waitress etc etc. I do sometimes bristle at 'Madam' in shops though !

The only time I hate being called love or dear or darling is when it is obviously being done by a condescending male. Then I do hate it.

When wandering around East London (not my usual stomping ground) a guy said "Are you lost love?" I did not take it as offensive, he did not mean it that way.

Does it really matter? It’s not like she said Hi bitch, what do you want is it?

Calling everyone dear may just be how she is like when some people call everyone sweetie, babe, hunni etc

People do just seem to be offended by anything these days

It's twee but why would I care? It's meant as a term of en-dear-ment. See what I did there

yes, in that context certainly but not otherwise

But isn't that part of the issue with "dear". It was meant in this context:

used as an affectionate or friendly form of address
"don't you worry, dear"

www.dictionary.com/

Yet you received it negatively.

What I am saying is that someone could feel the same way about your addressing them as "madam".

That's why it's best to take these things in the spirit they are meant, as someone can always find an objection if they look for one. I doubt the waitress was trying to be patronising.

I can’t believe this!
This lunchtime I’ve helped serve a huge amount of builders, office workers of both sexes and lots of oap’s (it’s discount day for them)
I’ve been called babe, sweetheart, darling, dear, young lady (I’m 43) and one regular calls me mush. I really could not care less, casual terms of endearment are simply a friendly greeting. I mean this in the kindest way but get over yourself.

The women were 'dears'. What did she call the men?

Wouldn't bother me.

However I was in a gaming shop recently and the young man serving me who was young enough to be my son kept calling me sweetheart. It pissed me off so much. I found it unsettling.

@gokartdillydilly . Thank you.

It’s not like she said Hi bitch

Wouldn't worry me in the slightest. I've been called "hen", "young lady", "dear", "love" all sorts. All meant kindly and received as such. I am no longer called "young lady" now that I am older though.

Or "duck"

Does anyone still say "cock" or is that too rude now?

@Peakypolly . Nothing. Just 'what can I get you'.