to not want traditional fairy tales used in DD's class

[Blankiefan]

P1 5yo DD's class are doing a range of activities around Fairyland being lost. I don't hear any chat from dd about anything challenging gender norms. For example, she tells me they are making a castle for sleeping beauty this week so the handsome Prince can come and wake her up. Obviously I've discussed the consent issue with her. This seemed to be new news...

AIBU in wanting a chat with her teacher to check on the truth and encouraging some challenge... or will I be "that parent"?

I'm genuinely surprised by how challenging a lot of people find the idea that traditional, patriarchal fairy tales don't give our children the best messages on gender. I'm very surprised that the majority dont think that the mainstream imbalance of gendered messages have had an impact on then or on their children. I'm surprised that people don't think that messages from school delivered in the same way the other facts of the world are can have an compounding impact on kids' sense of the world or their place in it. I thought this was a fairly widely held understanding. Given the energy put in by respondents, here's a few answer to your questions (assuming they are not rhetorical)...

Yes, I'm familiar with the ideas and content of the "original" stories. I have an English degree so studied them contextually, alongside modern adaptations such as the works of Angela Carter. (When I was in my 20s and in the context of a feminist lens). We have loads of books around with both "traditional" and "non-traditional" gender roles in them for DD. Zog is a particular favourite.

No, I'm not a kill joy and am happy for my child to make-believe. I'd rather she felt it was ok to play at all the roles however and she's more likely to be playing as an astronaut or scientist than a princess. She does have a princess costume and she puts it on from time to time without judgement. I'm clear that all of the options are open to her - including ( but not limited to) the "pink", glittery ones if she chooses.

Thank you to the teachers who have commented. I'm heartened to hear that the messages are likely to be contextualised.

I asked the question to get a feel for opinion and however disappointed I am in the response, I hear it and wont address this with the school. I'm well aware that I need to pick my battles. Thank you for your input.

I think you have a point OP and are getting a really hard time on here. We do love fairy tales at home but my DC (similar age to yours) are aware of cultural oppression of women (they have learned about Suffragettes and tons of other stuff from history), out-dated conventions of women needing rescuing etc. Moana is the favourite Disney film of both DC and DS. It is entirely appropriate and essential to discuss consent at this age, not only in relation to intercourse but touch as well . These may be "just fairytales" but sexism and misogyny come from a multitude of little things which amount to a really big deal.

why does the Prince think it's ok to kiss someone who hasn't agreed to it

I used to kiss my sleeping children all the time and never asked them for ther consent.

Whenever did people stop their children from being children? What a joyless existence!

Are you one of those parents that asked for consent before you changed your DDs nappy?

I despair for some children who are not able to just be children, who have adult concerns forced on them. Won't be long until we have 5 year olds raising their hands in class asking "Please Miss, can we have a debate on challenging gender norms in fairytales? I really think the prince should have asked for consent from the unconscious princess, how weak, accepting and feeble she is!"

Homeschool will be best.

They are teaching her something which is part of European folklore and culture, it's a key basic building block to understanding literature in the future.

And if you think the female characters in traditional tales are passive, then perhaps you should correct your own ignorance first.

I think challenging the gender norms in the reprocessed pap fairy tales typical of the Disney machine is an excellent idea actually. 5 is a bit young to be exposed to the real deal though (the one that haunted me as a child is the one where the mother has to go back to the graveyard and beat her dead child to make him stay quietly in his grave).

grubus my Dd loves The Paperbag Princess! My mum read it to me when I was a kid and it always stuck with me

Just to say I'm so pleased to see someone else suggest the ordinary princess (by mm Kaye). I loved this as a kid and bought it for my dds. Fabulous fabulous story!!!!!!

You're overthinking it op. I'm surprised that you have a DD and not a gender neutral child if this is your thought process with regards to simple fairy tales. Maybe just let your DD be a child?

Let her be a child and just enjoy the stories for a little while did it do you any harm when you were a child because it didn't me?

School can still be horrifically gendered - especially primary

I hate these type of comments. Give the teachers some credit. They're often fighting against parents who are the ones forcing gender roles on their children.

When ds1 started school there was a sign on the reception classroom door which read "Boys = noise + dirt" so I wouldnt say that all schools are fighting the good fight Dontvisit

My dds teacher is hot as anything on gendering (Y4). She came down like a ton of bricks on the boy who insulted dds football prowess because she was a girl and equally challenged kids(bits and girls) laughing at one of the boys who cried and got emotional when upset about friendship issues. She's great as is the school in general on this stuff.

I wouldn't raise it with the school, but then when I read fairy tales with 5 yr old DD I do usually change the end so that Sleeping Beauty wakes up and punches the Prince in the face for kissing her with asking. We have had some very funny and very age appropriate discussions about consent.

Why is teaching a child about consent a bad thing? And how does that equate to your child not having a fun childhood?

Generations of children been brought up on fairy tales and it doesn't make them weak little girls or domineering boys who don't understand consent. Let her enjoy her childhood

Except, you know, read the Relationships board...

Actually - there is an earlier version of Sleeping Beauty which is full-on rape!

m.ranker.com/list/details-from-the-original-sleeping-beauty/genevieve-carlton?page=2

It's an entirely appropriate context to raise the idea of consent (e.g. why does the Prince think it's ok to kiss someone who hasn't agreed to it).

FFS.

Really? How about the "kiss of life" should medics just let people die because they are unconscious and haven't consented? Grow up.

I'm with you OP. I find Sleeping Beauty in particular problematic AF and don't want my kids reading it. That said, I can't police what they read when they're not with me, so I try to counter it with books at home and discussing content and consent. It's NEVER too early to discuss consent, consent should be taught from the earliest days so that it is as natural as breathing!

Neil Gaiman's Sleeper and the Spindle might be a good counter although you should consider the sensitivity of your DC before letting them read it at five. You read it first and decide :)

The Disney fairytales I hate most of all! Perhaps you could explain to your DC that fairytales are cautionary tales to teach us important lessons and a good lesson here IS consent, the Prince should not have kissed her without consent (he should have removed the splinter from her finger, duh).

@acomingin that's quite a reach.. well done you.

I agree with you to some extent, OP. Fairytales are always the prince saving the damsel in distress, which is really frustrating for a mum of girls.

I would have a word with the teacher to see if they're planning to add some more modern fairytales to balance it out.

@Damntheman - Why thank you. Just adding to the general stupidity.