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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really upset with daughter

226 replies

bojo7 · 01/05/2019 18:30

Probably IABU but I am really seething over this. Background: I am very busy right now and daughter (late twenties) does not help with housework etc. despite not currently working. (I work full-time.)

I was reading a book last week and mentioned to her that it was really good and she could read it when I finished it. I had about 20 pages to go and was really looking forward to finishing it with a glass of wine after a long day. It was nowhere to be found and I realised she had probably taken it with her when she went away for a few days. She came back today and I was correct, but she has lost the book. I am so cross and told her she must buy me another. This is apparently silly and petty as she can easily tell me how it ends...

AIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 01/05/2019 18:32

“Really upset” seems like an overreaction but it sounds like this might be one thing too many on top of lots of annoying things.

Why isn’t she working etc?

Thisnamechanger · 01/05/2019 18:32

I don't think YABU. Selfish and thoughtless.

Still18atheart · 01/05/2019 18:34

Yanbu im a similar age to you DD and I’d never dream of doing this and if I did (I am
Always forgetting things in hotel rooms) I’d be ordering another book before I even got through the front door because I know it wouldnt be worth the grief from Dm. What’s the book? Sounds like a good read! I hope you get to read the ending of your book soon.

Bluetrews25 · 01/05/2019 18:34

I'd be pretty fed up with her taking the book and losing it.
I'd also be wanting her to take on the housework and cooking if she is not working.
Is she trying to get a job?

RosaWaiting · 01/05/2019 18:34

that was really rude and selfish of her.

Fairylea · 01/05/2019 18:35

The book is the cherry on the cake isn’t it. She needs to do more around the house or move out. Give her an ultimatum and mean it. What is she doing to find a job?

DanielRicciardosSmile · 01/05/2019 18:36

I don't think it's an overreaction. I would definitely be very upset at someone taking a book that I was reading and losing it, and then deciding not to race it but to tell me the ending.

OP why is your daughter living with you? Are there circumstances that prevent her from moving out?

SilviaSalmon · 01/05/2019 18:36

I would be upset too.

Might be time to lay down some house rules?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2019 18:37

Stop allowing her to be such a selfish lazy twat whilst living in your home. Tell her she either starts acting like an adult or she can leave.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 01/05/2019 18:38

YANBU!
What a selfish twat!
So she leaches off you, doesn't help and then takes and losses the one thing you were enjoying?!

If she were your partner we'd be telling you to LTB!
Is there a very good reason that at her age she isn't pulling her weight?

Original poster
bojo7 · 01/05/2019 18:38

She has been looking for work, but not with any great effort for some time. She left her last job as she didn't like it. Of course that is what is hardest for me, but for some reason the casual carelessness and indifference to my small pleasure is winding me up more today.

OP posts:
CallMeRachel · 01/05/2019 18:39

It's not really just about the book.

It's about her blatant disregard and disrespect of you, your workload, your kindness and your quality time.

It's well overdue time she moved out.

You will like each other more with a bit of distance.

JaneEyre07 · 01/05/2019 18:40

You need to toughen up OP.

She's behaving badly, and you're enabling it.

Time for some tough love, and that includes replacing the book she lost. Without telling you the ending.

Lllot5 · 01/05/2019 18:42

I would not be impressed with someone taking my book without asking and then losing it. In fact I’d be pretty pissed off.
She needs to work or do housework.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 01/05/2019 18:42

Give her notice to leave! She is not your problem! Tell her she needs to leave the house at 8am and find a job. She can hit every single bar in your town they will be hiring with the bank holidays and summer holidays coming up.

RosaWaiting · 01/05/2019 18:46

OP "but for some reason the casual carelessness and indifference to my small pleasure is winding me up more today"

well of course, that's logical/sensible/natural/not sure of right word!

Essentially someone is treating you badly. Of course you are pissed off.

So if you are going to have a chat with her, don't worry about making a big deal of this - it is a big deal. It's showing how much she doesn't care or hasn't thought about her behaviour.

RosaWaiting · 01/05/2019 18:46

btw how does she get spending money?

CoraPirbright · 01/05/2019 18:52

She left her last job as she didn't like it

Well boo fucking hoo!! I have savings, an earning partner, parental back up .......you name it. But I have NEVER jacked a job in (even one I hated and made me cry on a daily basis) until I had a new one to go to. Sounds like she thinks the world (and, more specifically, you) owes her a living.

The book is just the last straw.

Original poster
bojo7 · 01/05/2019 18:53

She cannot move out as she has no money. I know you are all right but actually throwing her out - can't do it. I have threatened it, but just can't. I just keep hoping she will get a job and she definitely could if she tried.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 01/05/2019 18:56

How did she get the money to go away?

Tinkobell · 01/05/2019 18:57

Gosh. I really don't think my 17YO DD would be so brazen as to do that. It's also just plain mean. I'm sorry but this smacks of an attitude of over entitlement. Whilst the act itself is pretty minor, I'd say your DD sounds like she's got her feet well and truly tucked under the table. Charge a rent, get some house rules in place and end the cushy regime asap. This incident is a wake up call. She's not a kid OP, she's a very mature adult - age wise!

Jemima232 · 01/05/2019 18:58

I chucked my two eldest DC out when they were 22 and 25.

They got jobs in double-quick time. And found a flat. Needless to say, they just as quickly lost it, as they were unable to budget.

They did MUCH better with the second flat, and DH and I were (eventually) told that our DC were grateful to us for being firm.

OP, don't let this go on any longer. Give your DD an ultimatum.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 01/05/2019 18:59

She has no money because she's a lazy leach.
Does she use your electricity? Water? Gas? WiFi? Food?

Lock it all down.

Tightarseparent1 · 01/05/2019 18:59

Ah I have/had one of these. It’s just called entitlement. I had two smaller ones so encouraged her to move out she was moving though. She is exactly the same when she comes to visit.

In your situation I’d make a list of ALL the jobs that need doing during the day whilst your out. If she won’t work she can earn her keep. Get really tough with her as your doing her no favours Either she does them or she leaves. Tell her you don’t care if she goes on benefits to get a flat that your sick of her taking the piss out of you now.

Tinkobell · 01/05/2019 18:59

Oh common. Can she really not get any job or just the 'right' job? I'd suggest if it's taken too long now to find the 'right' job she contacts some shops or bars etc and goes work in one of them, pays her way like a lot of normal people have to. Then in the evenings, she can apply for the 'right' jobs.

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