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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really upset with daughter

226 replies

bojo7 · 01/05/2019 18:30

Probably IABU but I am really seething over this. Background: I am very busy right now and daughter (late twenties) does not help with housework etc. despite not currently working. (I work full-time.)

I was reading a book last week and mentioned to her that it was really good and she could read it when I finished it. I had about 20 pages to go and was really looking forward to finishing it with a glass of wine after a long day. It was nowhere to be found and I realised she had probably taken it with her when she went away for a few days. She came back today and I was correct, but she has lost the book. I am so cross and told her she must buy me another. This is apparently silly and petty as she can easily tell me how it ends...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Onecutefox · 01/05/2019 20:11

I really thought you were going to be upset about your daughter in her 20-s refusing to read the book Grin

Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 20:11

Excommunicating your daughter over a book is incredibly over reacting

To all those sayings it’s not just a book and you can tell who are avid book lovers or not

You’re absolutely mistaken. I have over 1000 books in my personal library and have no issue with books getting lent or lost.

They can easily be repurchased, family cannot

OhWotIsItThisTime · 01/05/2019 20:13

That’s awful. She’s utterly inconsiderate about your needs and feelings.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 20:15

She doesn't claim job seekers? She just lives off you and her dad?

JaneEyre07 · 01/05/2019 20:18

You need to stop making home such a comfortable nice place to be.

Take your router to work, or leave in the car. And the heating controller if you have one. Don't do a massive food shop, so there is a stream of good food and snacks. Even take the fuse out of the TV plug.

Leave a daily list of what you expect done, and go nuclear if it isn't! At the bare minimum I'd expect the house vacuumed, the kitchen spotless, bathroom tidy and generally tidied. Maybe even the laundry? If you're financially supporting her, she needs to make it worth your while Flowers

Original poster
bojo7 · 01/05/2019 20:18

No, divorce was finalised over six years ago.... gosh just typing that makes me think.

The idea of borrowing her clothes gave me a giggle - think grunge. And taking her phone? She is surgically attached.

OP posts:
BogglesGoggles · 01/05/2019 20:26

Usually children behave this way when parents have mistreated them.

BogglesGoggles · 01/05/2019 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/05/2019 20:33

Usually children behave this way when parents have mistreated them

Nonsense. It's much more common for parental guilt to cause the parent(s) to spoil the child and lead them to believe that their happiness is all that matters. The daughter here could probably trot out half a dozen reasons why she has been treated terribly and is therefore entitled to a free ride, but the entitlement is all in her head.

OP, you aren't helping her by enabling her. Is there any chance that you could speak to her father and come up with some sort of strategy?

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 20:34

Boggles I'm not sure what you're playing at insinuating the op or her husband abused this woman, but you're so far over the line you've lost sight of it.

There is nothing to say the daughter isn't loving. You can be selfish, lazy, whatever and still love your parents.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 01/05/2019 20:36

This sounds awful and I feel for you.

It sounds like she has been ruling the roost for a while so you may well struggle to change the pattern.

Personally, I’d make her replace the book and I’d cancel the fecking phone contract, and I’d make her leave the house during working hours Monday to Friday to look for gainful employment.

It sounds an utter nightmare. Flowers

ExtraPineappleExtraHam · 01/05/2019 20:39

My BIL is in his late twenties, no job, lives at home. He pulls his weight around the house though, cooks all the meals. I completely get why my in-laws aren't rushing him into employment, they get to go to work, come home and the washing has been done, he decorates for them, grows vegetables! However it is stunting his development, he hasn't had half the experiences I had at his age, festivals, holidays, travelling, having awful jobs.
I don't think I would ever kick my dc's out but you're not doing her any favours by letting her stay rent free. She isn't spreading her wings, learning to live on her own, having the shit kicked out of you by capitalism! She needs to learn that there are consequences to packing a job in, like you don't eat!

BambooWhoosh · 01/05/2019 20:41

Boggles You're repeating yourself...

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 20:42

I agree op. You and her father need to cut her off now. She's nearly thirty, unemployed, living at home, and doesn't even claim benefits so living off you. It doesn't seem she's any additional needs. But for her sake you both need to take a joint approach and try to force her to launch.

cakeandchampagne · 01/05/2019 20:42

Sorry, but you are part of the problem. If you are uncertain about what is reasonable to expect of her in your home, then you may need some professional guidance.
It is common for someone her age to successfully handle education, a child or children, a marriage/long term relationship, a career/ job with serious responsibilities, travel, start a business, maintain/buy property, etc. (and usually, many of these things all at once)!

hatemyhairhun · 01/05/2019 20:46

If she was early 20s then I’d give her another chance but late 20s? Jesus.

Sorry, but she sounds like a bum. Fair enough she has had some trouble in life and might be stuck in a bit of a rut, but she’s approaching 30 and needs to get her shit together at some point surely. She can’t maintain her current routine forever. At the very least, it doesn’t sound like she has a very fulfilling life.

I would sit her down and amicably tell her that you would like her to move out soon. Give her a few months or whatever you feel comfortable with, but make sure there’s a deadline in place and make sure that she’s aware that this is no longer a permanent arrangement. You don’t have to mention the book etc or anything that would make you sound petty. Just say that this can’t go on anymore. Legally, she doesn’t have any rights to stay in your house.

hatemyhairhun · 01/05/2019 20:49

Also the reason why you’re fuming about the book is how nonchalant her attitude was, completely disregarded your feelings and your property

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 01/05/2019 20:51

This is called failure to launch. Basically she is an adult, but is still behaving and living like a child.

Exactly.

I understand you wanting to keep the peace while your youngest is taking their A-levels, so use the next few weeks to calmly think through what you want to discuss with her (your concerns about her immaturity, why she isn't working and how she's going to address this, etc.) and then sit her down for a chat - or take her out somewhere for a talk.

This is a much bigger issue than a lost book, it's the issue of an almost-30-year-old living at home like a selfish teenager...I'd be frustrated and worried in your shoes.

redhotchill · 01/05/2019 20:54

You do know OP that she's doing this because you are letting her? Don't you want her to have a decent and fulfilled life? Your updates suggest that you don't to be honest. She won't change unless you make her.

Surgically attached to her phone? What phone? She doesn't have any money does she? Who pays for it, and the charging of it for that matter?

You are ruining her.

Surfingtheweb · 01/05/2019 20:55

That's really rude & disrespectful

Dragongirl10 · 01/05/2019 20:56

I cannot believe you let your DD live for free, not work, not try to work,not help in the house, not be very nice to you.

Do you not want her to be a functioning adult?

justarandomtricycle · 01/05/2019 20:59

The phrase "just a book" doesn't even make sense to me, when you're talking about a book that belongs to someone, that they are in the process of enjoying for the first time.

I would be (and have been) felt much less impact from someone breaking things that cost ten, or actually now I think about it a thousand times more than the last I remember someone losing and not replacing.

Deeply personal thing, I know, but if you are a just-a-book person you should know that some people will never, ever forget you hurting or even murdering a book of theirs. The North remembers.

justarandomtricycle · 01/05/2019 21:00

I would have (and have before) felt much less...

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 21:00

Op are you scared of her? You clearly don't want to take the conversation with her or rock the boat. I don't understand why that is?

Original poster
bojo7 · 01/05/2019 21:04

Thanks - I am listening and my wider family all say the same thing. She has good GCSEs and A Levels and no additional needs. We have had discussions about rules/chores/jobs and she will say she is working on getting a job, but nothing happens.

Her Dad thinks she will find her own way eventually. He is a good person and works hard himself, but does not want to take a hard line with her.

Her Dad

OP posts: