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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really upset with daughter

226 replies

bojo7 · 01/05/2019 18:30

Probably IABU but I am really seething over this. Background: I am very busy right now and daughter (late twenties) does not help with housework etc. despite not currently working. (I work full-time.)

I was reading a book last week and mentioned to her that it was really good and she could read it when I finished it. I had about 20 pages to go and was really looking forward to finishing it with a glass of wine after a long day. It was nowhere to be found and I realised she had probably taken it with her when she went away for a few days. She came back today and I was correct, but she has lost the book. I am so cross and told her she must buy me another. This is apparently silly and petty as she can easily tell me how it ends...

AIBU?

OP posts:
nuxe1984 · 02/05/2019 21:59

I would be absolutely FUMING at her! Not only because she took the book knowing you were still reading it (and did so without asking) but also because she lost it.
Of course, telling you how it ends isn't the same. It's like somebody telling you who the murderer is in a crime book or film without you getting the clues, sub-plot, build-up, etc.
Anyone who's a reader will totally get this …

The not doing anything in the house in another matter. I sincerely hope you don't still wash/iron her clothes, clean her room, etc. Cos if you do it needs to stop - right now! You're not doing her any favours and giving her a terrible role model as a mother who works full-time and does all her children's chores. I have 2 daughters and they were both washing/ironing by the time they were 16 years of age. I also planned the week's menus and stuck it up on the kitchen board - and if they got in before me they would start cooking the meal.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/05/2019 22:14

@Ilfie you do realise that OPs daughter is almost 30. Not a child who she's needs to encourage.

  1. With no job. No prospects. No life really. A 30 year old who is effectively a leach.
LifeImplosionImminent · 02/05/2019 22:16

On the other hand, I have a colleague who is one of 4 adult children and 3 of the siblings live in her parents house including her, they have a whale of a time, go on fantastic holidays and day trips, enjoy the same hobbies and just all get on like a house on fire. All of the adults pitch in to do chores. They all have well paid jobs and can afford to move out but none of them want to. It's amazing and really lovely to see actually. Maybe it depends on how nice your kids are as to whether you mind them living in your home past adulthood.

gamerchick · 02/05/2019 22:28

ive tried a lot of different punishments for when my kids misbehave but the one that always works is putting my own poo in brownie mix and only telling them after they eat the brownies. they never misbehave again when you do it xx gri

Wut? Hmm

ThatLibraryMiss · 02/05/2019 22:42

Gamerchick, someone's been reading The Help.

PinkGlitter123 · 02/05/2019 23:10

Still surprised at people saying 'Give her two months to move out'. It's not do able for a single working person to do that at times as property is so unbelievably expensive. Those who are able to do it live with a partner, friends or have very high paying jobs.
Everything else though I agree on. She absolutely me to be doing more and paying more respect.

QueenOfTheTofuTree · 03/05/2019 00:39

She could get a house share

GinghamStyle · 03/05/2019 01:10

I don’t think a “normal” woman of her age would be able to treat their mum with such disrespect and I wonder what else is going on with her. You’ve said that she dropped out of university but that two siblings are currently attending and a younger sibling is due to sit A levels soon. I wonder if she really is finding it difficult to find work. Would you be able to speak to her about her mental health and things that might be bothering her? The book was thoughtless and to me, it seems most possible that she genuinely forgot to pack it and you asked for it back before she was able to tell you and apologise. You also say that she cooks her own food and so I assume she’s not spending meal times with you? This can’t be very nice for her - even if it’s her own doing. Could you introduce one day a week that’s “Family Food Friday” or something similar where you all sit down together? I think when you talk to her, the emphasis should be on that you’re enjoying having her home and you don’t want to be in a position where you have no option but to ask her to move out, so you hope that you can come up with a solution together.

I loaned a book once. Asked for it back only to be told he’d lent it to somebody else. He said he’d get them to post it to me. When it arrived, they’d written my address on the inside front cover I gave it away and bought another copy.

PinkGlitter123 · 03/05/2019 07:38

I don't think the issue is so much that she is at home but the way she is behaving.

EllenMP · 03/05/2019 09:36

I would be hurt that someone who was old enough to take care of herself was instead letting me take care of her, without appearing to appreciate it at all. She was very inconsiderate about the book and you are quite right to be angry and hurt. You are being so kind and she is not responding with the same kindness.

Of course you are not going to chuck your child onto the street because of this. But I do think you should tell her that you are busy and while she isn’t working she should be helping out more. And to kindly not take your things without asking.

I would give her some specific tasks, rather than a general request to help out more. “Can you Hoover the carpets today, please?” “Can you plan, shop for and cook dinner Mondays and Wednesdays?” “Can you fold up the laundry and put it away while I am at work?”

leomama81 · 03/05/2019 10:39

@PinkGlitter123 you get a room in a house share. That's what every young adult does.

PinkGlitter123 · 03/05/2019 10:47

Even a house share doesn't come cheap though. The majority of 20-35 year olds that I know have only been able to move out because of a partner or they have a group of friends who all bunch together .
If you're single, in a low paid job or unemployed altogether you will struggle. Cost of living is ridiculous and people shouldn't be judged for still being at home. What they can be called out on is not pulling their weight at home and being disrespectful to family.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/05/2019 11:45

Well then she better get her shit together and get some money. She's almost 30 and done nothing with her life. It's appalling. She is not the OPs problem. Maybe if she'd actually been a decent house guest she wouldn't be in this predicament. Whatever hardship she is to face is solely by her making.

overreactingperhaps · 03/05/2019 12:09

Just say you can't go on like this.
If her father wants to enable her by giving her money whilst she sits around on her arse, she can do that in his one bedroom flat.

Make it clear that you are perfectly happy to have her in the family home, if she wants to be part of the family like the rest of the children are.
Being a part of the family, means helping out with chores, and contributing to the bills. Minimum.

clairemcnam · 03/05/2019 17:08

Unemployed single people live away from home. No it is not easy to find somewhere, but simply wrong to say it is impossible. But there are sites like spareroom to help, and I am sure the OP would help with any deposit needed. There are also low paid jobs with accommodation such as Mother's Help.
But unless something changes OPs DD will still be living at home well into her 50s and will be at a high risk of developing depression from the type of life she is living. It is not healthy or good for her.

PinkGlitter123 · 03/05/2019 17:16

Spare rooms and house shares are still expensive though. There's a reason why people in their thirties who work are unable to buy their own properties or rent. Suggesting OP chuck her daughter out is hardly the way forward unless she goes into a hostal. She absolutely needs to be pulling her weight more as I said before, that is without question.

clairemcnam · 03/05/2019 17:29

Nobody is suggesting she could rent or buy a flat or house. It would need to be a room in a house. That is all most people who are unemployed can afford.
But I haven't even suggested that, simply that OP really needs to look at how her DD needs to change her life and to do that she needs a meaningful push from the OP. But I don't think the OP is ready to do that yet. So the OP needs to read the books recommended and maybe go to counselling to find the strength to force change.

clairemcnam · 03/05/2019 17:32

And I had to take a shitty job as mothers help so that I was not homeless at 20. None of that is unusual for people who are low paid, it is how things have always been if you are single with little money. But we all need to start somewhere and then work to improve our living situation. And that is easier to do at 20 than at 30. It gets harder the older you get.

leomama81 · 03/05/2019 18:00

@PinkGlitter123 a house share is exactly the same cost per room as getting a bunch of friends together and renting - the thing you keep saying people do. No one is saying she should be thrown out while unemployed, but giving her a reasonable date by which to move out, in the future, would mean she has to get a job. Which would be good for her, and frankly the only way to responsibly live as an adult in late 20s, unless there is some reason ie disability to prevent her doing so.

PinkGlitter123 · 03/05/2019 18:25

It depends on what part of the country you are in to be honest. Up North would be fine, down South even a room is expensive.
As I said before I don't think the issue is her being at home still. It's her behaviour and lack of respect which is the problem. I do also think mental health is something that needs to be looked into too. Really think you need a proper chat with your daughter OP x

clairemcnam · 03/05/2019 19:14

I think by your 30s you need to at least have a realistic plan to live independently from your parents. Or do you think it is okay for adults to live with their parents for ever because renting a room is expensive?

PinkGlitter123 · 03/05/2019 19:29

If everyone is pulling their weight, contributing and get on well then I don't see the problem.

clairemcnam · 03/05/2019 21:21

What about if you want to get married, or have kids?
And if you stay at home as an older adult, it is almost inevitable that you will become your parents carers.

PinkGlitter123 · 03/05/2019 21:46

Just because you live at home doesn't mean you can't socialise and date.
As for becoming a parent's carer that would fall on you regardless of living arrangements.

This is veering off topic anyway. We all agree that OP's daughter needs to buck her ideas up

QueenOfTheTofuTree · 04/05/2019 14:56

Just because you live at home doesn't mean you can't socialise and date.

No but IME it's harder to do...and I was 20 when I left home.

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