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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really upset with daughter

226 replies

bojo7 · 01/05/2019 18:30

Probably IABU but I am really seething over this. Background: I am very busy right now and daughter (late twenties) does not help with housework etc. despite not currently working. (I work full-time.)

I was reading a book last week and mentioned to her that it was really good and she could read it when I finished it. I had about 20 pages to go and was really looking forward to finishing it with a glass of wine after a long day. It was nowhere to be found and I realised she had probably taken it with her when she went away for a few days. She came back today and I was correct, but she has lost the book. I am so cross and told her she must buy me another. This is apparently silly and petty as she can easily tell me how it ends...

AIBU?

OP posts:

Wonkybanana · 01/05/2019 21:09

She has been looking for work, but not with any great effort for some time
I just keep hoping she will get a job and she definitely could if she tried.

But she's not going to try. Why should she? She has a roof over head, she's warm and fed, and she has a live-in servant.

OP I sense your frustration, but honestly you're the cause of it. I also understand your concern for your DD doing A levels, but please be realistic - would it cause her so much upheaval, or are you using it as an excuse to do nothing? Would A level DD actually be happier without her sister being a drain on the family?

And you've told us how eldest DD treats you - what about how she treats everyone else in the house?

8FencingWire · 01/05/2019 21:09

OP, it’s £0.99 on Amazon if you have a kindle.
I would go nuclear on her though.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/05/2019 21:10

People steal books as a symptom of being mistreated? 😂 ignore OP

EvaHarknessRose · 01/05/2019 21:14

You offered her a nice thing, she heard ‘borrow my book’, she probably thought you had finished it. Why turn a nice thing into a row.

Nancydrawn · 01/05/2019 21:18

Who pays for her phone?

Italiangreyhound · 01/05/2019 21:20

YANBU. She needs to buy a new book for you.

She needs to stop being so selfish and she needs to find a job. Does she pay rent?

"I think I will insist on another book. I know it is a waste of money but I feel I should make a stand - and I really want the book."

It's not a waste of money, it is showing her what happens when she disrespects your property.

mantlepiece · 01/05/2019 21:24

Yes, it’s failure to launch as they say.

As she is now in her late 20’s you do have a bit of a problem. You do need to speak to your EXH to devise a plan going forward as he is providing her with funds.

I am also of the opinion that you are not helping her by allowing this situation to continue, she is stagnating and not moving on as a healthy adult should.

What happens if you were not there to provide for her? She needs to be able to row her own boat and to eventually make a life for herself.

Yes the book issue is awful and maybe you will get over it but it may turn out to be a good thing. You need to start seeing the bigger picture, and deal with the elephant in the room which is your non functioning daughter. Good luck.

TowandaForever · 01/05/2019 21:31

@BogglesGoggles

You have posted absolute rubbish.

cees · 01/05/2019 21:31

She needs to get a job, any job. You need to get firmer with her or she will only ever take advantage of you and find it impossible to stand on her own two feet.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 21:31

Op, how old are your other children, you say you've others plural at home, but the youngest is doing a levels in a few weeks. So I'm guessing they are all adults past the a level child ? Is it the same for the others?

BogglesGoggles · 01/05/2019 21:35

@towanda I’ve just never genuinely seen it happen. Obviously that’s limited to my personal experience so I may be wrong. I didn’t realise that it was contentious tbh. I mean my uncle is pretty horrible to my grandmother. But then again she let his father raise him so she did cause it indirectly. That’s the closest I’ve seen to a loving parent with an unloving child.

lovemylkids43 · 01/05/2019 21:35

I would be more pissed off she does not help around the house

Tinkobell · 01/05/2019 21:42

Her Dad thinks she will find her own way eventually. He is a good person and works hard himself, but does not want to take a hard line with her .....but it doesn't really sound like the DD is his inconvenience (other than the cash hand out)...she has become largely yours! If she lived under his roof, he might be jolted into taking a hard line.
My SIL outstayed her parental lodgings for too many years. The breaking point there one day was her pulling the house wifi hub plug out of the wall so she could charge up her mobile, thus disconnecting the paying house owners! These incidents may well seem minor but they can crystallise the assumption and entitlement that people kind of sleep walk into.

Original poster

bojo7 · 01/05/2019 21:55

Don't know about the phone. She probably paid for it herself when she did have a job, but I guess her Dad pays for it now. I don't give her money. She paid a small amount of rent when she had a job, but not now.

She does get on OK with youngest DS who is doing A Levels. He does get upset by arguments so I am just letting it go for now.

Other kids, who are at Uni, think I should make her move out or get a job.

I am often frustrated with posters on Mumsnet who don't address their problems. Especially the ones who say "well I will just mind her six kids every day for another six months and see if it gets better."
And I am just the same.

But I have tried calm discussions. I have tried being angry. I have tried being nice and not mentioning jobs for months on end. I have sent her links to jobs she might like, offered to help with CVs. I offered to let her keep all her wages for the first 6 months that she worked. Encouraged her to go back to University.

I don't know how to make her do things. She just vaguely agrees that things need to change but does zero about it.

99p on kindle for my book is a really good idea. Well that is one problem solved anyway! Glass of wine (small) and those 20 pages for me now

OP posts:

IncrediblySadToo · 01/05/2019 21:56

I don’t know how you get DD to grow up, I really don’t. Yes, what most people have said (tell her to do her share/get a job etc or tell her to move out), but it’s just not that simple is it. Especially when your ExDH was generous with the house in the divorce so that the kids had a family home, you probably don’t feel like you can tell her to leave. You can, she’s almost 30, but I understand it’s difficult.

I hope you can get her to see she’s wasting her life and treating you like crap 🌷

As for the book, grrrrr.

Another one I think you’ll like is ‘Hiding in plain sight’. I’ve also just read both ‘The couple next door’ & ‘Five Days’.

Maybe she could buy you one of those as well, by way of apology.

Original poster

bojo7 · 01/05/2019 22:15

Thanks incredibly- it really is not that easy. And thanks for the book recommendations - a good book always makes me happy.

Other kids are 24 and 26, both close to graduating, older is doing second degree. There is a good chance that they may come home to live, at least for a while. I would be happy with that. (I would also be happy if they established good lives elsewhere.) But could I throw DD out and let DSs all live with me? When they are home they are both helpful and engage in family life (when not on computers). One DS does complain that I ask him to do chores, but not her. He is right because he will do what I ask, and she does not. I have explained this to him and he understands. I know this is not OK.

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 01/05/2019 22:18

In full time education or paying rent. No other options available here.

winepls · 01/05/2019 22:24

Not related to the post directly as I have nothing useful to offer, but I can highly recommend Apple of my Eye by Claire Allan. So good. Read it in 2 eves. And her one prior to that, Her Name Was Rose. If you love a good read, these are fab!

I'd love to know what it was you were reading? Love a book rec :)

RosaWaiting · 01/05/2019 22:28

OP seriously

change the Wifi passcode. Tell her she can use 4G on her own money.

Are you doing her cooking and laundry? Don't do that either.

I have a colleague whose daughter was on failure to launch at 25 and she was so horrible to all other members of the family, they ended up paying for a room to rent for her ....then she kept turning up at the house crying...then there was family counselling....at the end of it all she admitted that she just didn't want to work and didn't want to help around the house or anything.

cue ages of counselling to get her to understand adulting. But one thing they could have done earlier was stop giving her money and stop doing her household chores. As it was, being unwilling to do that led them to more drastic measures. My colleague literally told her DD "get in the car, we're going for lunch" and then drove her to a room they'd rented, her DH had a bag packed full of stuff. It was grim all round.

RosaWaiting · 01/05/2019 22:29

oh and OP, the colleague I'm talking about had another adult DC living in the house. That one was working and doing household chores. but the inactive one became an absolute arsehole because no one ever challenged her laziness.

I actually used to visit my colleague at her house, but refused invitations after seeing how that daughter talked to her mother - it was horrible to watch.

Wonkybanana · 01/05/2019 22:32

Other kids, who are at Uni, think I should make her move out or get a job.

One DS does complain that I ask him to do chores, but not her. He is right because he will do what I ask, and she does not - so her behaviour is rewarded.

Don't underplay this. You'll find several threads on here from posters whose sibling still lives with their parents into their 40s and 50s, has never or rarely word and bleeds the parents dry financially and emotionally. And the resentment is huge.

Be aware that in not wanting to upset DD, you may alienate and estrange your other children.

Wonkybanana · 01/05/2019 22:34

^^
word = worked

GreenTulips · 01/05/2019 22:39

So what does she do for herself? Her own washing? Who buys her shampoo and soap? Who pays for the electric she uses?

You need to sit down and work out how much she costs you per week - include food cloths toiletries bus fare and tell her form now on it’s being chalked up!

£20 a week buys you a cleaner
Or a night out
Or two takeaways
Or a coarse

This is what she’s costing you

Original poster

bojo7 · 01/05/2019 22:44

Thanks Wine, I will take a look at these. Something good from all this - I have some great ideas for books to read.

Book was "A Letter to Sarah".

Rosa, what was the long term outcome? Did the daughter sort herself out? I hopefully imagine that in the future we will have a good relationship and she will say sorry for being an idiot and we will be happy. I can't imagine that could ever happen if I threw her out.

My DD is not actually rude to me, just tries to avoid me really. Although when my DSis visited recently, Sis told her off for referring to me as "she" in my presence. DSis said "don't refer to your mum like that". DD then repeated the sentence referring to me as "mum" and I realised - I don't know what exactly - that she does not usually call me that anymore.

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 01/05/2019 22:46

you want a happy house but wont say anything to your selfish daughter- so the other dc will see this and wonder why you dont and why shes o priviliged

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