Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

Really upset with daughter

226 replies

bojo7 · 01/05/2019 18:30

Probably IABU but I am really seething over this. Background: I am very busy right now and daughter (late twenties) does not help with housework etc. despite not currently working. (I work full-time.)

I was reading a book last week and mentioned to her that it was really good and she could read it when I finished it. I had about 20 pages to go and was really looking forward to finishing it with a glass of wine after a long day. It was nowhere to be found and I realised she had probably taken it with her when she went away for a few days. She came back today and I was correct, but she has lost the book. I am so cross and told her she must buy me another. This is apparently silly and petty as she can easily tell me how it ends...

AIBU?

OP posts:

Almostfifty · 01/05/2019 19:01

If my child was living at home and not working, they'd be doing all the h housework, shopping and cooking if I worked full time.

Sit her down and tell her that's the new rules. Wake her up every morning before you go to work and tell her what you expect her to do that day.

Why do people let their children run rings around them? Mine have never taken the piss like that.

Original poster

bojo7 · 01/05/2019 19:04

Her Dad (my EXH) gives her money, but not a lot. She does not spend much and of course has no actual living costs. Going away was to a sporting event with friends. I don't know more than that, she is fairly secretive.

I think I will insist on another book. I know it is a waste of money but I feel I should make a stand - and I really want the book.

OP posts:

Patchworksack · 01/05/2019 19:05

@llot she needs to work or do housework. Surely you mean AND??

Does she pay rent? She's well into adulthood, why are you enabling this behaviour? I'd be pissed off about the book but it sounds symptomatic of a bigger problem.

cantfindname · 01/05/2019 19:06

My son decided once that he was going to be a leech and left his job etc. I was short of money for my hobby and he told me I shouldn't be doing it if I couldn't afford it. Apparently paying all the bills etc for a 24 year old was perfectly acceptable in his eyes.

Until then I didn't understand what people meant when they said they 'went nuclear'!! He went back to work the following week

Aprillygirl · 01/05/2019 19:07

Your daughter is thoughtless,entitled and lazy. What is she doing for money if she's not working? Why are you doing all the housework,on top of working full time,and allowing her to get away with doing nothing? She should be doing the lion's share of housework surely? Her taking the book that you were still reading is just another total piss take and example of how little she thinks of you. Give her an ultimatum to either get a job and do her share around the house or leave. You're doing her no favours by allowing her to continue as she is.

Patchworksack · 01/05/2019 19:08

But why has a grown adult no actual living costs? She must be nearly a decade beyond the point where most young people are accepting adult responsilities, whether or not they leave their parent's home.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 01/05/2019 19:09

Greta. Her Dad give she money.

Go up to her now and ask her if she will be sending it all to you via direct debit or handing the cash to you.

Also she now does have somewhere to live. She can move in with him.

Tinkobell · 01/05/2019 19:09

I think a lot of people do use their own life as a bit of a benchmark for their kids - rightly or wrongly. I left home at 18 and that was that. Maybe you were looked after by your folks for longer in life perhaps?

Fairenuff · 01/05/2019 19:09

I have threatened it, but just can't.

She knows this and is taking advantage of you. Have a look at rooms to rent and tell her that you want her out of the house by x date.

If you never mean it, she will never get a job or a life.

ScrewyMcScrewup · 01/05/2019 19:09

Please tell me the secret of how you can stop reading a good book with 20 pages to go?

Youseethethingis · 01/05/2019 19:10

If you can’t face chucking her out, you should make her life as uncomfortable as possible. No money, no favours, no tidying up after her, no washing, no nothing. And I’d be printing off a weekly invoice for rent to hand her. She is plenty old enough to realise she owes her mother respect and to stand on her own two feet. I’d be fuming with her too - she’s you’re child but she’s also a cheeky bitch.

Yesicancancan · 01/05/2019 19:11

I would lock her out in the morning untill I finished work, it’s ridiculous to support a lazy young adult. Her life is comfortable why should she change?

PinkGlitter123 · 01/05/2019 19:14

She should be working and paying her way but its not as simple as just saying 'Tell her to move out '. On what? Fresh air? Even some people who work can't afford to move out. With that said, she definitely needs to contribute more and show respect towards you

redhotchill · 01/05/2019 19:14

She needs telling firmly that she has 8 weeks before she starts paying board. That gives the lazy bugger a month to get a job. Write her a list of chores. For every one she doesn't do and you have to do you'll add money to her board. She should be doing half (when in work). Show her how to do it properly.

Taking and losing your book is out of order. She can go on eBay and buy you another copy second hand for next to nothing.

Make her apply for any job going. And don't give her so much as a fiver. You aren't doing her any favours at all, she should be well past this type of behaviour now and enabling her is just setting her up to continue failing forever.

Time to get tough and get a grip (both of you)

Original poster

bojo7 · 01/05/2019 19:15

EXH lives in a one-bed rented flat. He was generous in the divorce and I kept our 4-bed house (well, inc. mortgage). So I do think that makes a difference and moving in with him is not really possible.

OP posts:

Devon1987 · 01/05/2019 19:15

I agree with @Yesicancancan. Lock her out or send her to her fathers. You are making life far too easy for her.

viques · 01/05/2019 19:15

If her dad thinks it's ok to subsidise her laziness by giving her cash then maybe she ought to go and live with him for a bit. I'm sure he has a spare sofa she can plonk down on. He might even have books she can lose as well.

She is in her late twenties, I would ask her in all seriousness how she sees the rest of her life panning out, say as from starting tomorrow, ok it's a bank holiday weekend, say from next Tuesday.

Chillyegg · 01/05/2019 19:17

She’ll be living with you untill she’s 50 if you let her carry on like this

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/05/2019 19:18

Welll of course YANBU butI fear that if she is late 20s her behaviour, sense of entitlement and habits are deeply entrenched. She needs a massive wake up call and that means you being cruel to be kind.

QueenOfTheTofuTree · 01/05/2019 19:19

Does she claim any benefits?

viques · 01/05/2019 19:19

Oh, I see your ex only has a one bed flat. He's not a fool is he? Cheaper to throw her a bit of cash to keep her with you than spend it on rent for a two bed and have her move in!

She can still sleep on his sofa, after all it would only be temporary until she sorts herself out

QueenOfTheTofuTree · 01/05/2019 19:20

Tbh, I would be giving her a date that she needs to move out by and tell her there will be no discussion or debate about it. It's final.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/05/2019 19:20

Oh I'd be really annoyed about that too also if she's not working and contributing financially then she should be doing a lot around the house

BogglesGoggles · 01/05/2019 19:21

Usually children behave this way when parents have mistreated them.

hazell42 · 01/05/2019 19:22

Totally not the point of the thread, but what was the book?
Taking my books is a capital offence in my opinion, so no criticism from me

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread