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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really upset with daughter

226 replies

bojo7 · 01/05/2019 18:30

Probably IABU but I am really seething over this. Background: I am very busy right now and daughter (late twenties) does not help with housework etc. despite not currently working. (I work full-time.)

I was reading a book last week and mentioned to her that it was really good and she could read it when I finished it. I had about 20 pages to go and was really looking forward to finishing it with a glass of wine after a long day. It was nowhere to be found and I realised she had probably taken it with her when she went away for a few days. She came back today and I was correct, but she has lost the book. I am so cross and told her she must buy me another. This is apparently silly and petty as she can easily tell me how it ends...

AIBU?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/05/2019 19:23

Oh bollocks, @BogglesGoggles!

lastqueenofscotland · 01/05/2019 19:23

Boggles that’s nonsense, I would happily not work and sponge off someone and do no cleaning if I knew I’d get away with it

Unfortunately I have a mortgage and live alone and can’t afford a cleaner so I work and clean my house. It’s the way the world works

justarandomtricycle · 01/05/2019 19:25

How do you lose someone's book and not replace it?

I wouldn't sleep until I had!

UrsulaPandress · 01/05/2019 19:26

That would give me the serious rage.

Dd and I frequently fall out about the location of my iPad.

But taking and losing a book I was reading would make me see crimson.

Original poster
bojo7 · 01/05/2019 19:26

How to stop reading with only 20 pages to go? I reward myself with doing a job, have a break with good book, then do another thing etc.

I have younger children and I do love my daughter. If I could insist on her doing things, I would. I love the idea of getting her up to do chores in the morning, but even getting a tiny amount of help is very hard work.

Youngest child is doing A Levels in a few weeks and needs to live in a happy house. I will try to sort it out in the Summer, but will start with insisting on new book.

OP posts:
StitchesInTime · 01/05/2019 19:29

This would really wind me up, even without all the other stuff about her not pulling her weight in the house.

I’d expect someone to replace one of my books without arguing about it if they lost it like that.

YukoandHiro · 01/05/2019 19:29

Is she paying rent? My parents even made me pay rent during uni summer holidays. At the time I thought it was cruel but now I see they did me a huge favour in terms of self motivation and setting myself up in life. I have never been back since age 21.
Maybe charge rent, even if peppercorn, and start setting some house rules.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 19:30

That's incredibly selfish behaviour. I actually can't imagine my daughter doing this. And she's no angel.

She needs to buy you another book and she needs to apologise.

And I'm sorry but she's taking rhe piss. Tell her to get a job or get out as no more free loading and coasting. Sometimes you need to show some tough love.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 01/05/2019 19:31

It really is time to put your foot down Op. We all love our dc and I'm sure the majority of parents would help an unemployed adult dc until they got back on their feet but that's not what's going on here. She's perfectly content to live off you and you clearly don't warrant any thought or consideration

How long is this going to go on? Until a job falls into her lap? Indefinitely? The book is the least of your issues and getting her to pay for another might feel like a "win" but it's just a symptom of a bigger issue. I'm sorry but she didn't just wake up this selfish and entitled one day, this has been enabled and there's no reason for her to change unless you force it.

Fair enough you're not going to make her homeless, most wouldn't despite what some posters say, however that doesn't mean you can't give her an expected moving out date eg 6/12 months. It might help focus her mind!

I'd tell her too that your living arrangements should look a lot more like a house share with all that involves, rather than mummy skivvying after a dependent child. I mean she's a grown woman ffs Shock has she no pride?

Original poster
bojo7 · 01/05/2019 19:31

Capital offence is just what I think!!!

Book was "A letter from Sarah" and I was really into it.

Once a friend borrowed a book from me that was signed by the author (who was also a friend at the time) with a really nice personal message. First friend then announced that he had lent my book to someone else who then moved to USA! This was 20 years ago and I still remember it.

OP posts:
Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 19:37

It’s just a book

She took you up on the recommendation

You can go out and buy another for a fiver

What sounds more like it is that it rankles that she’s not pulling her weight and not respecting your things and also not offering a replacement

Contraceptionismyfriend · 01/05/2019 19:44

It. Is. Not. Just. A. Book.

fblake · 01/05/2019 19:50

Angry I'd be annoyed. Is she going to replace it?

Poloshot · 01/05/2019 19:51

She sounds bone idle, tell her to sort herself out and have some self respect.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 19:52

Don't be ridiculous, it's not just a book, it was her book, and she was told she could have it after the op finished, not before. She had no right to take it, be it a book or anything else and then lose it and not replace it. Denying the op the enjoyment of reading to the end which she was looking forward to.

clairemcnam · 01/05/2019 19:53

This is called failure to launch. Basically she is an adult, but is still behaving and living like a child. An important part of parenting is getting her to launch into adult life. Some children do this naturally, others need a lot more encouragement.
Watch any nature documentary about young growing up, and eventually you will see an animal physically forcing one of its young to set out on its own.
You need to figure out how you do the same.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 01/05/2019 19:54

It’s not just about the book. It’s indicative of how she sees you and treats you generally.

Original poster
bojo7 · 01/05/2019 19:54

To answer some questions:

Living with me until she is 50? Yes, this thought terrifies me. And actually it wouldn't if she was a bit nicer. And most importantly, this is not a good life for her. She has a busy social life, but all on the cheap, and I do feel sad at how things have turned out.

Is this because she has been mistreated? Well I know she was affected by the divorce and I do feel guilt about this. It was an amicable divorce and I am still friendly with EXH, but she was very upset. However she did go to Uni after this and completed almost two years before dropping out.

She is not on benefits. I have pushed her to sign on in the hope that this will help with getting money and a job.

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 01/05/2019 19:56

You can easily separate the book lovers from those who aren’t avid readers, on this thread. 😁

I’d be livid if any of my children did that. If it’s ‘just a book’, why the fuck did she take it with her? You’re doing her no favours, OP. You need to start coming down hard on her.

QueenOfTheTofuTree · 01/05/2019 19:57

Seriously, kick her out.

hazell42 · 01/05/2019 20:00

Just googled it and it looks good.
Sorry, not helping at all.
I'll go away now (to order book)

Bagofworries · 01/05/2019 20:05

You say you feel guilt about how upset your daughter was about the divorce. Have you recently divorced?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 01/05/2019 20:05

Trying to see it from a positive side if you've got younger children then she's a good example of how not to turn out.

I'd say to them buckle down in school or you'll end up like your sister.

user1486131602 · 01/05/2019 20:07

My ansa to that problem would be 'accidentally' taking her phone to work for a few days at the bottom of my huge handbag! And when she can't get hold of friends etc and is steaming mad .........
Explain if she has no respect for your things, then you will have no repsect for hers petty or not!

LondonJax · 01/05/2019 20:11

It's not just a book. Regardless of whether it's a book, a purse, the bar of chocolate you were saving for a quiet night or a piece of clothing, it's yours. I was taught to ask if I could borrow. Our DS is taught the same. If you didn't buy it you ask to use it or borrow it. Just because it's in the same house as you does not mean it belongs to you. I'd be wearing her favourite blouse tomorrow OP just to teach her how it feels when someone takes without asking.

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