Here or is my friend over reacting?

[reetpetitet]

I've got a problem that I talk a lot with my hands.
My friend shouts at me a lot when I touch her arm in conversation,I don't do it on purpose but she's made such a big deal about it I don't want to go out with her incase I do it again.
An example is we were in a pub on Friday and she said to me "I don't think they sell this particular drink"
" I said I'm sure they do"
The Barman confirmed it so I (without thinking ) touched her arm quickly and said "there you go"
She shouted loudly and aggressively
"Your touching me again"
I was with a few of her other friends (who I didn't know) and I felt so stupid and could have cried.
How do I stop this?

She doesn't sound like a very nice friend to be honest! We all have our little quirks.. It's what makes us who we are! She sounds uptight and difficult. I'd be distancing myself it was me. X

If she has asked you a lot then you need to make more effort to not do so. I hate being touched and it would really annoy me if someone carried on after being asked not too

My mum touches my arm a lot ....very slowly in order to emphasise a point. I fucking detest it ... but I’m aware that it’s my irrational dislike, so I don’t actually say anything. I can see why it bugs your friend, but she could react in a more friendly way.

Can see her point. Gets on my nerves people standing too close to me, frequently touching me in the circumstances you describe would too.

I’m not averse to contact, but there needs to be a reason, and the barman confirming a drink isn’t one of them.

Not sure it’s a shout aggressively about it thing though, but it sounds like she’s discussed it with you before so maybe she’s got to go to stage 2. If this was a guy repeatedly touching female acquaintances you know how the response would go.

As to how to stop! I don’t know and I do sympathise, it’s not exactly crime of the century on your part. Only thing I can think of is when I got an automatic and had to put left foot behind right leg for a bit to stop pressing a clutch that wasn’t there, maybe try and get into the habit of touching your other hand instead of the other person when you are getting animated

Sounds like she really hates being touched and you are doing it unthinkingly.
Have you considered CBT to stop yourself doing this?

And actually touching someone’s arm and saying “there you go” like that could also come across as pretty patronising

I think as me and my other close friends are very touchy,linking arms,kiss on the cheek goodbye,hugs etc
I kind of forget who I'm with after a couple of drinks rather than deliberately going out to pee her off

Stop touching her. She told you not to.

Please stop touching her. If you cannot do this then stay away. I'm sure as a grownup you don't need telling more than once for goodness sake.
Is this a reverse....

Stop touching her! You need to be more mindful, it's not on to say that's just your quirky way.

Some people really, really dislike being touched. In some cases it's a result of abuse, in others there's no known cause. Either way, your friend has the right not to be subjected to unwanted touching. Rein it in. It's not important to you, but it obviously is very upsetting for her.

Is your friend 11 years old?

Sheesh! She may have her preferences, but her reaction is way over the top. It’s an inbuilt part of your personality, it does no harm and she’s a rude cow for making such a loud fuss. I’d be surprised if you could stop yourself touching her in this way, it’s so subconscious.

Find some less hysterical mates to hang out with maybe (or move to Italy, where you’ll fit right in!).

It's nothing to do with abuse etc
If we are in a club and some random bloke starts draping himself over her she doesn't bat a eyelid.
I think it's because she might worry I fancy her (I don't ) we were in a gay club a few weeks ago and she wanted to leave so maybe that's the reason.
Il deffo make sure I don't do it in future.

I see her point. It’s really not ok to touch people when they have explicitly asked you not to. If you can’t keep control of yourself and tend to forget she doesn’t like it when you’re drinking then the solution is pretty simple- don’t drink.

It's not even really "touching" it's just a tap on the arm etc.

If drinking means you can’t control such basic bits of behaviour then maybe drinking less would be wise!

I hate people doing this to me so if she has asked you not to then don’t do it.

I do it sober too,it's something I do without thinking (as do many people) as in nudging someone and saying "oh look over there" that kind of thing.

Its unusual she dislikes it that much, but she does so you have to stop it. I am sure you manage to be less tactile with new people or work colleagues so reign it in with this friend.

Touching on the arm is hardly that bad!!! Can't believe the fuss about it on here! I wouldn't want to be friends with someone so precious to be honest.

My OH does this when he gets particularly excited about a conversation and I can honestly say it winds me up to no end. I know I’m being unreasonable but it’s a constant tap as if he’s trying to get my attention even though I’m actively listening to him 😂

Unless she’s literally asked you a dozen times not to do it and explained why she doesn’t want you to, I think her shouting at you for it is unreasonable.

@LL83 yeah of course.
Me and her have been friends for 22 years so I class her like my sister.

Think of it like swearing. I know a lot of people who swear like sailors, but you’d expect them to rein it in if they were in the company of your elderly grandmother or young children?

If you have Tourette’s, you can’t stop. If you continue to swear because it’s your quirk, then you’re rude and ignorant.

My OH's Grandma does this, I don't mind it but he doesn't like it. And I do this apparently too! I only noticed when he mentioned it, and then realised I did it when making sure I had someone's attention when speaking to them (his normally) - so it's more of a touch arm, they look at you, you speak.
But if your friend has said to not do it you shouldn't do it.

I'm not a 'touchy' person but still I'd never shout at a friend like that in a public place and embarrass him/her in front of other friends.
Sounds like you are just that type of person and it comes as second nature to you. You don't actively go out to touch her.
She however sounds rude.

Some people are being a bit harsh. She has said she doesn’t like being touched so don’t do it, it doesn’t make her a bad person, some people just don’t like people touching them, tbh I’m not that keen on other women touching me. My teenage daughter also hates anyone touching her, she has Aspergers and struggles with eye contact, if someone touches her she feels really uncomfortable as she’s already trying hard with being sociable and keeping some eye contact.