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AIBU?

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Original poster

Here or is my friend over reacting?

148 replies

reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 15:11

I've got a problem that I talk a lot with my hands.
My friend shouts at me a lot when I touch her arm in conversation,I don't do it on purpose but she's made such a big deal about it I don't want to go out with her incase I do it again.
An example is we were in a pub on Friday and she said to me "I don't think they sell this particular drink"
" I said I'm sure they do"
The Barman confirmed it so I (without thinking ) touched her arm quickly and said "there you go"
She shouted loudly and aggressively
"Your touching me again"
I was with a few of her other friends (who I didn't know) and I felt so stupid and could have cried.
How do I stop this?

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 01/05/2019 16:38

Dear God you sound like a toddler; 'look, look' point, tap,nudge!!
Just because you've done it for years and other folk put up with it doesn't make it ok. Your friend has obviously reached the end of her tether after 20 yrs of your irritating habits. Grow up and be respectful of your friends feelings.

Aridane · 01/05/2019 16:40

Stop touching her, she doesn't like it! I've got the rage and I don't know you

Yeh - me too

bakewelltarty · 01/05/2019 16:43

She's not a good friend. You are doing it subconsciously and not trying to upset her. You've not said that anyone else has a problem with the way you interact so I'd say the problem was all hers. She's now trying to humiliate you in front of others. I think there is more going on with her than just this.

Callywalls · 01/05/2019 16:44

My mum had a neighbour who used to hug everyone. I am not a "tactile" person, especially with people I hardly know and one day when I met her, all done up on her way to a wedding, she started heading towards me, with her arms outstretched saying "your Margaret's daughter aren't you" to which I replied "yes, but please don't hug me" she told me not to be silly and said the hug was not for me but to "pass on to my mum, who she had not seen or a while" I again asked her not to hug me but she took no notice. At that moment, my very large, very excitable and very muddy, dog who was sat calmly at my side also decided to join in the hug, as I had feared he would, hence my reason for me repeatedly telling her not to hug me (I knew from experience that he would not sit quietly by whilst a stranger touched me) She was not impressed when he ruined her lovely dress but maybe she will learn that not everyone likes to be hugged/touched for many different reasons.

Aridane · 01/05/2019 16:46

It's ridiculous because we have a mutual friend who holds her hand when drunk,puts her arm around her yet she says nothing.
Maybe it's because she doesn't feel comfortable shouting at her.

Nope.

It’s because your mutual friend only does it when drunk and mawkish. You, however, so it all.the,fucking.time

—or touches me when talking with her hands—

gairytoes · 01/05/2019 17:00

I don't think what you do is particularly uncommon. I would, however, dislike being touched, nudged etc.

However, I would never shout at another person and embarrass them like that. I think she was very rude.

campocaro · 01/05/2019 17:03

I have a couple of autistic friends who find hand waving and touching very difficult and anxiety inducing. I try not to do it but sometimes forget as I'm very demonstrative ( and loud...)

FriarTuck · 01/05/2019 17:04

I don't really see her often (maybe once a month ) so it's deffo not all the time
But if it's every time you see her then basically you're making zero effort to stop. Don't touch other people unless they're okay with it! And certainly not when they've already expressly told you. It's not quirky or endearing, it's rude.

KnifeAngel · 01/05/2019 17:09

You would drive me mad. I hate people who wave their arms round when they talk and touch people.

downcasteyes · 01/05/2019 17:11

I think YAB a bit U, but I am a huggy person myself so I get how it's upsetting.

Basically, not everyone is tactile. You and I may love to hug everyone we meet, but others hate it. Your friend has told you not to touch her and you keep on doing it, probably just out of habit. You need to be really conscious about breaking that habit, though, because it's really upsetting your mate. It doesn't matter whether she likes to have blokes draped over her in a club - it's different and, at the end of the day, it's her body and she's allowed to have different rules for different people.

Sallyseagull · 01/05/2019 17:12

YABVU!!!

She has asked you to stop touching her. Stop invading her personal space and touching her, I don't know why it's so hard to comprehend.

2stepsonthewater · 01/05/2019 17:23

Bloody hell! So uptight and English! It's a cultural thing - family culture and country. It's not wrong to gesticulate when you talk! Try telling that to an Italian person! Also some families and some cultures touch people more than others. In France you kiss people on the cheek when you're being introduced!
It's also actually something that's taught in psychology - if you touch someone on the arm they're much more likely to notice / remember you. Especially in flirting!

Of course some people don't like to be touched and if they ask you not to then you try to avoid it. But it's not offensive!

motherheroic · 01/05/2019 17:28

The screaming in public is over the top. I have a friend who does this, most of the time I don't mind. But if she is going over board with it I just gently grab her wrist and the message is recieved.

downcasteyes · 01/05/2019 17:29

"But if she is going over board with it I just gently grab her wrist and the message is recieved."

Possibly not the best advice given that this is the trigger for the screaming. Grin

needsahouseboy · 01/05/2019 17:31

I hate this with a passion. Tap tap on the arm while talking to the person. I want to scream at them to stop doing.
You don’t mind it but she does do just stop.

behindlings · 01/05/2019 17:33

I worry about this as well, no one's ever asked me not to but I accidentally touch people's arms occasionally when talking to them (not all the time, and I'm trying to stop) and I'm very very aware that some people hate it. (I'm talking about a brief, glancing touch, same as what the OP describes)

I've even done it to complete strangers sometimes, especially if I'm grateful to them for something. I know I've picked it up from my mum who is also an arm-toucher. I feel very awkward about it and am really trying to stop but sometimes in the moment I don't realise until I've done it. Mind you I think if a friend had specifically asked me not to I'd be so over-aware of it that I'd be able not to.

I think it might be worth trying to stand/sit a bit further away from her as much as possible, not out of arms' reach exactly but far enough that you would have to stretch and therefore can catch yourself in time? It's much easier to do accidentally if you happen to be standing quite close to someone already. I do think it's essential to try, even knowing that it can be hard when it's ingrained into your physical habits.

b0bb1n · 01/05/2019 17:34

That was mean of her to shout at you like that. She should get over it.

ABoozedMoose · 01/05/2019 17:41

Why ask if you are going to keep saying 'but it's just the way I am'? It's clearly something she hates (and I can't blame her) and she has told you plenty of times before. I'm not surprised she got so exasperated that she shouted.

As for the silly bit about whether she thinks you fancy her, why can't you just accept the fact that she doesn't like it. She doesn't have to, it sounds annoying and intrusive and patronising.

StuckInsideAnEcho · 01/05/2019 17:47

In certain circumstances I will become agitatedly vocal about being touched.

It grieves me that people don't listen, don't deem it a big issue, don't make an effort to remember.

Aridane · 01/05/2019 17:49

The screaming in public is over the top

Except over touched friend didn't scream...

golddustwomen · 01/05/2019 17:57

Oh god I do this, no has ever mentioned it but this thread has made me realise I 100% do! I also say the persons name after 90% of things I say. Very weird will try and curb it....!!

CyclingSquirrel · 01/05/2019 17:58

How do I stop this?

Keep your hands to yourself Smile

blackteasplease · 01/05/2019 18:00

I would hate it too tbh. Yabu. She has asked you not to do it and you kept on.

MyCatHogsTheBed · 01/05/2019 18:03

I think If someone stands to close to you and your move then they move is a bit different.

I think if somebody touches you and you tell them not to and you do it again it's exactly the same.

Here's the tea and consent video. Please watch it to understand consent.

You don't get touching rights just because somebody else is allowed to (and why on earth are you bothered about that anyway?). You don't get touching rights just because she didn't say no in the past, or because everybody else hasn't said no.

She is perfectly within her rights to defend her right not to be touched by you. Didn't like her telling you rudely and aggressively? Should have listened the first time, apologised and made sure it doesn't happen again.

w0man · 01/05/2019 18:03

Lots of people are touchy feely, lots of people aren't.

If we have bodily autonomy we should be able to say to to anyone touching us for what ever reason we want and people respect those boundaries without being annoyed or angry at the person saying no or asking a person to stop touching them.

It's not hard to not touch people who've asked you several times not to, she can say no to you and yes to someone else if she wants.

There's someone I know who's an arm squeezer and I don't like it but know he means well so don't say anything as I see him maybe twice a year, my sibling sees her weekly and hates it and asks him not to and he says the same things you've done here, not my fault, it's an accident etc etc so can see why she's lost her temper a bit to be honest because the arm squeezing bloke I know thinks she's stupid for being offended at him continuously doing something he's been asked not to and acts all offended which is one of the reasons I don't say no cos he'd make look like a twat in saying no..

Being someone's friend doesn't give you any right to touch them if they've asked you not to many times.

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