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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Here or is my friend over reacting?

148 replies

reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 15:11

I've got a problem that I talk a lot with my hands.
My friend shouts at me a lot when I touch her arm in conversation,I don't do it on purpose but she's made such a big deal about it I don't want to go out with her incase I do it again.
An example is we were in a pub on Friday and she said to me "I don't think they sell this particular drink"
" I said I'm sure they do"
The Barman confirmed it so I (without thinking ) touched her arm quickly and said "there you go"
She shouted loudly and aggressively
"Your touching me again"
I was with a few of her other friends (who I didn't know) and I felt so stupid and could have cried.
How do I stop this?

OP posts:
Aridane · 01/05/2019 15:45

Stop. Fucking. Touching. Her.

HollowTalk · 01/05/2019 15:46

This wouldn't bother me at all. Even if I didn't like to be touched I would see your intentions were good. She sounds as though she's not a very nice person, OP. I'd stick to other friends.

Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 15:47

Do you think she might be worried I fancy her?
As she doesn't mind men touching her?
Yet I've known her 22 years,shared beds etc

OP posts:
Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 15:47

@Aridane any need to swear?Hmm

OP posts:
NorfolkNellie · 01/05/2019 15:49

I had a friend who did this......it was when she wanted to talk over me/ be patronising/make a point. It was like a dog putting its paw on another dog as a sign of dominace - hated it!

Hedgehogblues · 01/05/2019 15:49

Don't touch people who don't want you to touch them. It's not complicated

Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 15:50

@NorfolkNellie it's not done in a patronising way by me at all.

OP posts:
Aridane · 01/05/2019 15:50

Just trying to change convey how fucking annoying your friend finds it, to the extent she shouted at you Grin

Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 15:51

I find things she does to me annoying too but I don't say anything about it

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/05/2019 15:52

I think she just doesn’t want you to touch her. Why the overthinking just don’t do it. She has asked you not to so that should be it.

Personally it’s the soft type of touch that you describe that I really can’t stand so someone regularly doing it to get my attention or even worse make a patronising “there you go” comment would really annoy me

BMW6 · 01/05/2019 15:52

No, OP it is YOU that is at fault here. She has asked you to stop touching her yet you are continuing to do so and making excuses for yourself!

If you can't stop it why are you expecting her to tolerate it? She has a right to refuse physical contact from whoever she wishes - it is your responsibility to respect her boundaries.

diddl · 01/05/2019 15:53

That's not talking with your hads though is it?

I gesticulate, but I don't touch people when doing it.

Toooldtocareanymore · 01/05/2019 15:53

there must be more to it from her side, maybe if she's asked a few times and you persist maybe she's deliberately being rude to shame you into remembering, the fancying her thing doesn't make sense if she's actually a friend, if you are gay and she's not and she has an issue with touching because of this then honestly she's not a friend, I don't think its crime of the century either and maybe 'cos its you and she has an issue with it, she's hyper aware of every contact, i'd say in future when out, position yourself with someone else in between you then can't inadvertently nudge her just as you forget when you have a drink and you'd have to make an effort to touch her so easier to control, I'd even say i'm sitting over here as I know how much you hate it when I touch you, let her know verbally you are trying.

Newhere555 · 01/05/2019 15:54

Your friend sounds like the one with a weird problem not you. Me and my friends/family touch each other in the way you describe all the time without even thinking, you didn’t squeeze her Arse. Hang around with less irrational people in future.

Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 15:54

I did last week.
I specifically sat next to a random woman Just incase my arm accidentally touched her arm.

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 01/05/2019 15:54

As an adult you really shouldn't need constant reminding not to touch someone who is not comfortable with you doing so. This is the sort of thing we teach little children when developing their social skills. Your "quirks" don't trump her desire not to be touched. As a pp has said, it can be a dominance thing and it's common in people who lack social awareness (not because they have any negative intent or neurological issues, they just lack skills). I can't stand being touched and thankfully the people I know are clued up enough to recognise that that's ok. Just back off a bit, op, and really try hard not to touch her. Or you'll have to sit on your own mat at circle time until you can manage it Wink

NorfolkNellie · 01/05/2019 15:55

I'm sure it isn't. I just don't like being touched especially - I know this is my problem! But if I had asked politely for you not to do it and you kept doing it, it would really irritate me and think that what I wanted doesn't count. I would have got cross and then been the bad guy like your friend.

SinglePringle · 01/05/2019 15:56

I DETEST being touched like that - when people do it to emphasise a point. I find it so very irritating. It's as if the toucher thinks the touchee isn't paying enough attention. I find it so intrusive.

I'd tell you to stop.

Ffsnosexallowed · 01/05/2019 15:56

I hate being touched like that, not because I think the person fancies me 🤨, bit because they are invading my personal space and it's really fucking annoying.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 01/05/2019 15:56

Fucking hell, overreacting much. Some people are touchy feely, it's not intentional, the way she's reacting to you tapping her arm is way OTT as are some of the comments on here

Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 15:56

It's not a case of every time I see her I touch her.
It's literally the odd time when I might see something and forget and either touch her or the elbow and say "oh look"
It's not me sitting stroking her arm

OP posts:
ConkerGame · 01/05/2019 15:57

If she’s asked you to stop before then this is probably the straw that broke the camel’s back and so she snapped at you.

If someone asks you not to touch them then you need to stop. It doesn’t matter what their reason is or how close you are to them.

Constant touching would drive me mad too but then I avoid friendships with overly touchy-feely people for that reason.

Sirzy · 01/05/2019 15:58

Why ask if your so sure your entitled to touch whoever you want without thought anyway?

weebarra · 01/05/2019 15:58

I have nerve pain and numbness in both arms after lymph node removal when I had cancer. I have people touching my arms. Obviously this isn't the case with your friend but for pps telling people to get over it, sod off, you're not there to judge if someone has a valid reason for not wanting to be touched!

diddl · 01/05/2019 15:58

"It's as if the toucher thinks the touchee isn't paying enough attention."

Yup-it's what my sister would do-to make sure that it was being noticed that she was right/was making a point.

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