Here or is my friend over reacting?

[reetpetitet]

I've got a problem that I talk a lot with my hands.
My friend shouts at me a lot when I touch her arm in conversation,I don't do it on purpose but she's made such a big deal about it I don't want to go out with her incase I do it again.
An example is we were in a pub on Friday and she said to me "I don't think they sell this particular drink"
" I said I'm sure they do"
The Barman confirmed it so I (without thinking ) touched her arm quickly and said "there you go"
She shouted loudly and aggressively
"Your touching me again"
I was with a few of her other friends (who I didn't know) and I felt so stupid and could have cried.
How do I stop this?

Oh my goodness people are being really harsh....because I'm sure you are all so perfect

It's part of your personality, it isn't done maliciously. Think your friend needs to get a grip. If an adult is shouting at her friend in public then it's her with the problem !!

I don't think I've ever tapped someone, or been tapped by anyone apart from my kids (who've been told sharpish to stop it because it's bloody annoying)

I hate being touched too, so totally get how your friend feels. She's told you many times and you still do it, so SWNBU to shout at you as a last resort because you haven't listened before!

Whilst I sympathise to an extent with being asked to rein in something you do so automatically, either you're both BU or neither of you is.

If you're NBU for touching her occasionally in an unthinking way, then she's NBU for going "OMG will you fucking STOP" in an unthinking way when you do!

I'd honestly suggest making a conscious effort to sit further away from her (as you have been doing) and to cross your arms when standing next to her is unavoidable. It may seem passive aggressive to you but she will likely just be grateful not to be touched!

If you've known her for so long, why do you suddenly think that you tapping her on the elbow means she's worried you fancy her?
I have a friend I've known pretty much all my life, she does this and it's fecking annoying. I have asked her to stop/is her mouth connected to her elbow/just fecking quit with it!!
She's still at it I just dont sit next to her now if I can help it

Good grief, give the OP a break! She has already said its just a habit she has had for years that other people in her life also do so she doesnt realise she is doing it. And also its not what "3 year olds" do nor is it "poking" or "patronising" is MN that bad that you are now analysing and insulting someone over a simple tap? Its not an unusual behaviour to lightly touch someones arm!
Op, unfortunately you need to try really hard to "touch" her but I think her shouting at you is an over reaction and actually quite immature.

OP have you posted about this before?? Something to do with touching her arm on a plane and her snapping at you and thinking you fancy her?!

@GreytExpectations yeah I'm deffo to try really hard not to do it.
It's ridiculous because we have a mutual friend who holds her hand when drunk,puts her arm around her yet she says nothing.
Maybe it's because she doesn't feel comfortable shouting at her.

@onecatshortofcrazy I haven't no but I don't feel as bad now I know I'm not the only one who does this

You're touching me again
This implies that you don't just do it once in a blue moon, you do it a lot. She's asked you not to. You continue. Stop. Try imagining that she's got a really painful arm if you can't otherwise control yourself, and that if you touch her you'll hurt her, maybe that might make it sink in.

I use my hands when talking a lot too which is a habit.
I'm trying to stop that too.

You do know you do it, you are posting on here about it and basically saying you have no desire or intention to stop doing it. You dont have respect for boundaries and recognisable personal space

@FriarTuck I don't really see her often (maybe once a month ) so it's deffo not all the time.

@LemonTT of course I know I do it,what I mean is when I'm talking to her or other friends I might do it before I've even thought about it (if that makes sense )
It comes that natural.

YABU

You can't go around touching people who've made it very clear that they don't want you to touch them. It doesn't matter how much of a habit it is or how many people you know do the same. Stop doing it!

Stop touching her like she asked. I bet you wouldn't do it to your boss. It's intrusive.

When did I say I'm not going to stop doing it or try to stop it?
I've clearly said I moved and sat with someone else incase I accidentally did it.
That's hardly me saying I'm not going to stop

Can't you get her attention by using her name or saying hey?

She has asked you not to do it so respect her wishes and don't do it. Simple really. Not an unreasonable request by her. You can still speak with your hands but just don't touch.

I used to be fairly tactile but then I got yoga teacher training and part of it was don't touch other people without their permission. I think it's a good rule to live by and you can change your habits. You can show intimacy/caring for a friend and get their attention without touch. Particularly if somebody has told you not to touch them, just don't bloody touch them!

I think people are being harsh OP. I think it's normal to touch a friend on the arm to get their attention, especially in a bar or somewhere loud or with lots going on. of course you should make an effort not to if she doesn't like it but fwiw I think she's over reacting and being rather unpleasant. I'd be avoiding her if I were you.

I really can see both sides of this. OP in a way I envy you, I was brought up by parents so uptight that no one ever touched. No hugs ever. It was such a red letter day I remember my Dad once very clumsily patting me on the shoulder, and this is 40-odd years later. I would love to have the freedom to touch without considering and debating it.

OTOH I can also understand how annoying it would be if a constant thing although I hope I would have more self-control than to shout at my best friend in a bar!

I have a friend whose a bit grotty when all’s said and done. I used to get fed up with being nudged or touched by her all the time. She’s got a loud laugh and is always in people’s personal space ( leaning in for a loud guffaw) and touchy feely.
The thing is is always came across as a bit forced.
She’s got a lot better since divorcing her husband. A bit more ballsey and less overly familiar. So much easier to be around.

But it’s all the time YOU see HER.

Op.. I can see that you know you need to stop touching her and that you are trying to do that - which is exactly what you should do.
However, her reactions are rude and completely over the top and are embarrassing you in front of other people.
It also sounds like this is a recent thing? If so.. I think there is more to it than just the touching.
Is she annoyed with you about something else? Trying to push you away because she doesn't want such a close friendship anymore?
In your position, I would'nt want to spend the evening holding onto my arms or sitting next to someone else in case you accidentially touch her and get shouted at loudly for it That sounds awful. I think you should talk to her about her last reaction in the pub and ask her what is going on. At least you'd know why.
But ultimately she doesn't sound like the best person to spend a lot of time with.