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Original poster

Here or is my friend over reacting?

148 replies

reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 15:11

I've got a problem that I talk a lot with my hands.
My friend shouts at me a lot when I touch her arm in conversation,I don't do it on purpose but she's made such a big deal about it I don't want to go out with her incase I do it again.
An example is we were in a pub on Friday and she said to me "I don't think they sell this particular drink"
" I said I'm sure they do"
The Barman confirmed it so I (without thinking ) touched her arm quickly and said "there you go"
She shouted loudly and aggressively
"Your touching me again"
I was with a few of her other friends (who I didn't know) and I felt so stupid and could have cried.
How do I stop this?

OP posts:
Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 15:59

1.its not constant touching
2.im not entitled to anything
Like I've said it's occasionally tapping or nudging if I see something and say "oh look over there etc "

OP posts:
Pugwash1 · 01/05/2019 15:59

I can sympathise with your friend. Happy to hug and kiss when saying hello and goodbye but other than that absolutely HATE being touched. I have a very dear friend who does this and despite repeatedly asking her not to she thought it was funny and then started to stroke my arm or hand. I eventually flashed at her one night and think she finally got the message and has really made an effort to stop. She does still slip up and that I can deal with but at least she is making a determined effort to reign it in. Just try and stop. It's the right thing to do if you have been asked on a few occasions politely.

Sirzy · 01/05/2019 16:00

But she has asked you not too so yet you keep on doing so. What makes you feel your entitled to keep pushing into her personal space like that??

The more you post the more disrespectful of the feelings of others you sound. I’m not surprised she snapped

NorfolkNellie · 01/05/2019 16:00

Your intention isn't bad - but you're not listening!! A few of us have said we don't like it and you are ignoring that and making excuses. I am now feeling irritated with you - exactly how your friend feels.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 01/05/2019 16:00

How can you have been friends for so long when you seem so fundamentally ill suited?

She is entitled to her personal space as we all are and equally entitled to say who touches her. If that means someone else can drape over her and you have to keep a distance, that’s her right. You can’t say ‘ she let him touch her so I can do it too’. That’s very basic.

As someone upthread said, if she doesn’t like it - stop it. If you really can’t control it you might lose a friend over it.

Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 16:01

@Sirzy did you not hear me say I don't realise I do it?
As all my other friends and I do it all the time it's accidental.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/05/2019 16:01

"Like I've said it's occasionally tapping or nudging if I see something and say "oh look over there etc "

But why do you do it at all?

Thingsthatgo · 01/05/2019 16:02

It does sound patronising to me. Touching someone’s arm and saying ‘there you go’ when you are proved right is pretty condescending!

Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 16:02

Well like I've said it's done without thinking.
As everyone I know does it.
Have you never ever tapped someone when trying to point something out to them?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/05/2019 16:02

Then you need to make yourself more aware of your actions! It’s not up to her to put up with things due to your lack of self
Control

Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 16:02

As in "there's that shop over there "

OP posts:
Sashkin · 01/05/2019 16:03

Do you think she might be worried I fancy her? As she doesn't mind men touching her?

She probably just hates being touched. Lots of people do. Personal space and all that. Obviously being touch by someone you are sexually attracted to is different, which is why she is ok with men doing it.

Have you ever had somebody stand too close to you? And when you move away, they follow? It’s very uncomfortable. Doesn’t impact on your desire to have sex though.

Sirzy · 01/05/2019 16:03

No I don’t need to poke people in order to communicate

Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 16:04

@Sashkin I think If someone stands to close to you and your move then they move is a bit different.

OP posts:
SanFranBear · 01/05/2019 16:04

Some of these responses seem extreme.. I feel for you, OP.

If she's a good friend of long-standing, why don't you have a chat about it and explain what you have here - it's not 'malicious' or done on purpose. Perhaps she might also explain why she reacted why she did and you can find a way to keep your friendship.

I will say though, that if struggle with a good friend, shouting at me like that when out with people you don't know well - it's humiliating and wrong foots you from the start.

Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 16:04

@Sirzy well done,give your self a blue peter badge.

OP posts:
SanFranBear · 01/05/2019 16:04

*I'd struggle, that should say

tashac89 · 01/05/2019 16:04

Your right to extend your hand ends where my body begins. That's it. That simple. Don't. Touch.

Sirzy · 01/05/2019 16:05

What for not being like a three year old tapping people to get their attention?

Damntheman · 01/05/2019 16:06

The thing is OP, it isn't up to you to decide if your tapping her is okay or not. She thinks it isn't okay so you need to stop it. Start developing some techniques to help you be more mindful of it. Stand a little further away from her to touching her would take more of a conscious effort, put an elastic band on your wrist and snap it against your skin every time you touch her or think about doing it. you CAN break this habit with her, and you need to. To ignore a request like please stop' is not only inconsiderate, it's going directly against the consent consideration we need to teach others.

YOU might think it's just a tap and it's fine. And that's ok. But she doesn't like it and you need to respect that.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 01/05/2019 16:06

Turn this around a bit - if a man kept touching a woman without permission, would that be ok? Even if it’s ‘just the way he is’ and ‘he doesn’t know he’s doing it’ ?

I have indeed occasionally tapped someone for attention, I am quite a touchy feely person, but I would stop immediately if they said they dislike it and within my extended social and family circle I have come to know who is ok with hugs and touches and who wants their space (including my own adult daughter) and I respect their choices.

NorfolkNellie · 01/05/2019 16:06

Stop touching her, she doesn't like it! I've got the rage and I don't know you. And there is definitely something going on with a power struggle - and you want to win it.

Original poster
reetpetitet · 01/05/2019 16:07

I would like to think after 20 odd year me tapping my friend occasionally to show her something wouldn't be the crime of the century but I will deffo make a conscious effort not to nudge her in future

OP posts:
diddl · 01/05/2019 16:09

Well like Sirzy, I don't constantly touch/tap people when talking to them-I also don't know anyone who does.

That's not to say that I've never done it nor had it done to me, but it's the exception rather than the norm.

TeaStory · 01/05/2019 16:09

If you’re as defensive and obstinate with her as you have been here, I’m not surprised she shouted at you.

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