Is my sister acting wierd ?

[TW1]

I’ll try to keep this brief .

My older sister an educated professional married young and settled in a great part of a town , married a very successful man and has led a good life with two children. One of her children has a health problem ( her son ) which is very touch for her . Aside of this she has a rather good life . As a ‘spinster ‘Aunty I had always been the choice baby sitter and have been very close to her children .

Roll on years and I married late and now have young children of my own, I did the whole career thing and met someone amazing . We moved around the country with jobs etc .

As with any young family having children makes one think about relocating closer to family and so We planned to move back closer to where I grew up and where my parents are ..Concerned re schools etc we went for loving to the same area as my sister .

At first she tried to put me off saying we wouldn’t be able to afford it . We moved anyway and have carved a life together which we love here . We barely bother her , though she pops round to mine sometimes , mainly for a cup of tea or to bring / drop her kids round , on rare occasions if I’m desperate , I’ll ask her for a hand with my kids if her children are at school ( she doesn’t work) I try not to do it as I know she is burdened with her sons health problem .

Anyway , I increasingly find it difficult to ask her for any advice about the area , every little things is a big ask, I tried to ask her for her cleaners phone number and she wouldn’t give it without me practically dragging it out of her , recently trying to send my son to the same extra curricular activity event that her daughter goes to and I can’t seem to get a contact number from her for the place my niece goes to ..

Stuff like that ... the list is endless , most of the time she seems fine but it feels like she just doesn’t want me to settle here , even though I rarely bother her and she comes to my house more than I ever go to hers ...

When I got my house renovated she didn’t tell me what her DH knew about the builder .. that the man was going to mess us about ... he did really badly

I was heavily pregnant and moving house when I was trying to get her cleaners phone number to book a one off clean

AIBU to think she’s acting a bit wierd and what would you do ?

Sorry but it does sound like she may think you were off doing your travelling etc, she's made her own life in her area now you're trying to replicate it. Did you really need the cleaner's number? Just have a scout on Facebook or ask a friend. It was bad form of her not to say about the builder though.

Everyone know that her area is where the better schools are , and geographically worked for us and jobs too .As a parent that’s what mattered most , it’s not about me trying to replicate her life.

In any case ,the reason I asked about her cleaner was because I wanted someone that could be trusted to be left alone in the house and be given keys etc and I knew her cleaner was very reliable and trust worthy .

Given that she and her OH used to drive 2 hours to leave her children with me and my OH while they go out for a weekend , surely she should be pleased that we moved nearby ?

Is it her right not to expect a sibling to move to ‘her ‘ area ?

I think she wants to maintain a distance between your life and hers and not have you involved in every area of her life. I live near to some of my family and we see each other often but keep other parts of our lives separate from each other as well. I wouldn't want to use the same cleaner as my brother and SIL for example.

So even though I never go to get house except in an emergency , and I’ve spent most of my adult life baby sitting her children , I should now have little to do with her unless she decides to come to mine ?

Sorry I meant that I never go to her house

God this is really depressing

No, but do look at what you need to ask her and what you can find out for yourself - for example if you wanted your son to have swimming lessons you can easily find that out for yourself but if you want a class that does tap dancing in a Mongolian style and your niece does that then ask her.

Yeah, she's being weird. Honestly she is.

Normal sisters would be happy to help out each other with info, wouldn't want to see their sister burnt by bad tradies, and would be happy to have them in the relatively near vicinity - although right next door could be a bit wearing! - especially if they've used you for babysitting a lot.

It does sound like she feels you're encroaching on "her" territory, but why the fuck would she feel like that, unless she's insecure about things? Is she envious of you having a job?

Re. the cleaner - I do at least understand this one if she is insecure, she might be worried that you and the cleaner would gossip about her.
Re. the clubs - maybe she's worried that your DC would outshine hers.

But the builder - that was just pure spite.

This makes me sad . I tried to tell her my son started swimming and wanted to show her a video but she didn’t even want to look ..

I am so sad that things have to be so complex it’s so disheartening

No I don’t bother her at her house unless it’s desperate . Normally go there about once every 3-6 months if I have to .. she lives a twenty minute walk away . She come to mine a few times a week ....

My sisters cleaner is really religious she prays whiles she’s cleaning ! and doesn’t gossip at all

She's being really weird. She has clearly had the set up she liked. You, her family, were off somewhere accessible enough to be helpful and on tap when she needed you, but not close enough to actually partake in her life. I'm guessing she wouldn't ever invite you over for a bbq with her friends there?

I suggest you withdraw from her a little bit. Stop making yourself available. She can't expect to have you at her beck and call and at the same time sit in the little box she's created for you. Make your own friends in the area, and don't bother inviting her to any events/outings with them, until she gets over herself.

And stop having her over your place all the time. Be pointed about it, "Why are you always at mine, and I'm never invited to yours?"

Lol no i would never be invited to socialise with her friends.

I do have own friends so it doesn’t bother me .

Just sad it’s cone to this .

Sometimes she doesn’t even tell me when she hears about deaths in the extended family . I just don’t feel like I know where I stand with her anymore .

what is her son's 'health problem'? It sounds quite major? Having a child with a handicap can take over your life if you don't have the best of support? The older they get, the harder it can be. I think you could be correct but you could also be incorrect in that she may be struggling to manage/just managing and doesn't need someone else relying on her for tips on best cleaners or builders around.

and I posted too soon, no matter how educated, professional and successful they are, her child is still her child, no amount of money changes that at all. You sound immature.

He has a learning disability .

She manages well because he goes to school and she has a carers and help for him whenever she needs it .( a phone call away ) . She’s fortunate she can afford the best for him .

He’s amazing and we all love him . I’ve watched him grow up .

My sister does a lot of community and charity work , she helps a lot of people eg helping people who are disadvantaged for free using her professional skills .

It makes it harder for me to understand why she wouldn’t want to help her own sister .

Eg the day I went to hospital being heavily tested pregnant and unwell , I had no help from her , she had organised a dinner party for some of our relatives . She has a lot of dinner parties . We don’t mind not being invited . I’m just trying to explain

Her behaviour is not normal.
You are asking for perfectly normal things.

I read your post and thought your sister sounds jealous or resentful of you
You sound like you have had a “fuller” life - is this possible?

It is quite sad but unfortunately you can’t control other people’s behaviour only your own.

I find it amazing that she comes round on repeat (presumably to offload and drink free tea and eat free biscuits) and is happy to use you for free babysitting but can’t be bothered to mention she knows the builder you picked was about to wreck your home and mess you around...

Maybe your right . I must be a awful person .
I will have this thread deleted .

I think she might be trying to just put a bit of healthy distance between you. And she does sound very busy with a lot on (and so do you). I'm surprised you said she's at your place 3 or 4 times a week! That's a lot, given how much you do. It's not like you're retired and have loads of time!

Plus there's the sibling factor. I like my sister but I can't be around her any more than once every 6 months or so. She drives me mental after a while. We're siblings, it's like that.
Same goes for SIL relationships. My BIL/SIL live 5 minutes walk away and our kids go to the same school. We see them once every 4 or so months.

Basically, I'm busy, they're busy, I need to prioritise my time and my siblings are quite far down the list.

Maybe your right . I must be a awful person .I will have this thread deleted

Could this be the problem? If you have this reaction to your sister then maybe she finds you a bit hard work? I don't mean that in a nasty way, though it might sound it, but are you struggling with your own confidence and self-esteem?

I have a brother like this. Thankfully we live on two different continents. But he always had to be better than me. Which he usually was, as he was 3 years older, so he doesn't like me being good at stuff at all. He doesn't like my friends, he looks down his nose on me, I'm sure I don't need to explain. The thing is, I've decided I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. Now I appreciate you live closeby, so you can't quite forget about their existence, but maybe try to be a bit more 'I really don't have a big sister'. And stand on your own two lovely little feet.

BTW where are Mum & Dad in this picture?

It's not my experience of having or being a sister, but that's irrelevant really.

It definitely sounds like she's had her guard up from the outset and there might be a reason for that based on you, her or someone else. You can ask her or speculate, but realistically, you can't make someone let you in. I'm sorry you've been disappointed by the move and what it's meant for you two though. I'd be so sad.

If she was a deciding factor in you being there, consider whether you want to move or stay for the area itself. But you can't make her want you to be there. You just can't.

No, you're not an awful person but for whatever reason, and it really could be her and not you, she has decided to distance herself from you.

As I said, could come from major insecurity and even jealousy/envy or your own life.

Have you tried to ask her why she is this way with you, or does she disclaim any knowledge of your meaning?

gosh, I would be delighted if my sister moved near me! sadly we live in different countries. I don't get it, unless your relationship has been really strained (it doesn't sound like it, she was happy for you to help with her kids!) then, yes, I think this is strange behaviour, have you tried asking her?