Is my sister acting wierd ?

[TW1]

I’ll try to keep this brief .

My older sister an educated professional married young and settled in a great part of a town , married a very successful man and has led a good life with two children. One of her children has a health problem ( her son ) which is very touch for her . Aside of this she has a rather good life . As a ‘spinster ‘Aunty I had always been the choice baby sitter and have been very close to her children .

Roll on years and I married late and now have young children of my own, I did the whole career thing and met someone amazing . We moved around the country with jobs etc .

As with any young family having children makes one think about relocating closer to family and so We planned to move back closer to where I grew up and where my parents are ..Concerned re schools etc we went for loving to the same area as my sister .

At first she tried to put me off saying we wouldn’t be able to afford it . We moved anyway and have carved a life together which we love here . We barely bother her , though she pops round to mine sometimes , mainly for a cup of tea or to bring / drop her kids round , on rare occasions if I’m desperate , I’ll ask her for a hand with my kids if her children are at school ( she doesn’t work) I try not to do it as I know she is burdened with her sons health problem .

Anyway , I increasingly find it difficult to ask her for any advice about the area , every little things is a big ask, I tried to ask her for her cleaners phone number and she wouldn’t give it without me practically dragging it out of her , recently trying to send my son to the same extra curricular activity event that her daughter goes to and I can’t seem to get a contact number from her for the place my niece goes to ..

Stuff like that ... the list is endless , most of the time she seems fine but it feels like she just doesn’t want me to settle here , even though I rarely bother her and she comes to my house more than I ever go to hers ...

When I got my house renovated she didn’t tell me what her DH knew about the builder .. that the man was going to mess us about ... he did really badly

I was heavily pregnant and moving house when I was trying to get her cleaners phone number to book a one off clean

AIBU to think she’s acting a bit wierd and what would you do ?

Her behaviour seems quite odd, like she wants distance between you but feels pulled towards you at the same time. Her trying to put you off moving to the area, refusing to help with finding trustworthy service providers and not being interested in your children and their progress is quite hurtful and I would find it hard to move on from that. Especially as you have been so supportive and helpful to her and her kids in the past.

Personally if it was me, I would pull back from her and be out or unavailable a lot more. I can't understand why she would snub you like she has but still want to drop in on you so much.

She might be finding it difficult that her DS has a significant disability and maybe cannot achieve as much, while your children are doing OK?

I may be wrong but I wonder if its got something to do with her Son’s health issues.

She probably see’s your life as she thought for herself nice house in a nice area, good schools and great range of activities for the children then one of her children having issues and life is different from how you imagined it was going to be.

I think she is possibly envious of what you’ve got so is trying not to make your life even more perfect in her eyes by giving you the help and information you needed.

I maybe wrong but its a thought, you could also ask her if shes alright and get her to open up to you.

My DSis is a little like this. She was the one with kids and I had a career. Then I had a DC and didn't give up my job; in fact I have progressed. She has never forgiven me! Fortunately I didn't move to her town although when I visit it for a hobby I do, there is further weirdness. It is sad when you have a relationship with their kids and they don't want much of one with yours, but you need to distance yourself and I'd cut back on the multiple drop ins too. Just don't be so available.

The builder thing should have been a wake-up call. These people don't wish you well (I include your BIL).

I suspect people suggesting you simply ask her for an explanation don't have a relative like this. The whole point is their behaviour is semi-unconscious or that if they admitted what they are doing they wouldn't look very good to themselves.

There is a psychology book about sisters I saw recommended on here. I think it was by Dorothy Rowe. On one page there is a list of common unresolved stressors from childhood in sister relationships. My DSis and I ticked every box! I consider it a triumph that we've got to a stage where we can have coffee tbh.

This all sounds a bit Single White Female to me. Perhaps she thinks you're trying to copy her life?

Basically, don't suggest she opens up or confront any of this behaviour, however tactfully, unless you're prepared for a lot of things to come out of the woodwork/shouting. Been there, got the t-shirt...

I haven’t read all the thread but I’ve found this scenario to be the case with some families... one sibling has kids and single auntie spends lots of time minding them etc. Then when single auntie has kids other siblings have had enough of young kids to last them a lifetime and don’t bother their arse offering to mind their young nieces/nephews. Maybe people have just become much more selfish/busy. This has happened to me and a good friend of mine.

Sounds like she has spent years carving out a home and place in a friendly community for herself and her family. You have been doing the career stuff, travelling everywhere, having no roots. Now she thinks you have looked at what she's got, thought, "I'll have me some of that" and muscled in.

Of course that's not what you have done, I know that! But I think that's how she sees it. It has probably taken her years to cultivate all these friends, decent cleaners etc, she thinks why should you swan in and get all the good stuff straight away?

In a nutshell, she thinks you will Wendy her. ("Wendy" - a mumsnet term for someone new whom you welcome in to your friendship group because they don't know many people and you feel sorry for them, and they then take your place and you get frozen out & you lose all your friends.)

It makes sad reading and it is a shame that the relationship you had hoped to have with your sister is not there. Perhaps try confronting her in a nice way? You seldom go to her house now, yet she does make the effort to come to yours. Do you think there might be a communication problem and she might feel the same way?

I think she is being weird from what you've said. Sounds like she's happy to take but not give back.

I think you need to get involved more with your community and ask them rather than your sister for everything. Join your local FB community group, meet some local friends, join the school PTA etc. It can be very wearing if someone constantly wants you to problem solve everything for them when frankly a quick google and they could have sorted it themselves.

She was the sister who had it all and now you are having it all too and I don't think she likes it. She preferred your status as 'spinster aunt' and younger sister.

This. Back off and do your own thing for a while. Things then may re adjust, or not, but it changes the dynamic either way. Let her start asking to come to you, for babysitting etc.

As soon as I read this I thought shes really jealous of you. Her life will be very hard looking after her son, and she sees what you have got and knows you don't have these worries.
I'd back right off and let her come to you, keep things light and do your on research for tradepeople etc in the future. My Builder is a good site for starters.

Why she wouldn't want to help her own sister.

Maybe the stuff your asking help for is stuff you could easily manage yourself. Cleaner, yes after school activities, yes. These things for example don't have to be the same as your sister and you can sort yourself. I hate having to drip feed help on stuff people could do themselves very easily. Sorry op.

I think you are asking perfectly normal things. Me and my sister have always shared things as adults, e.g. Cleaner, piano teacher, seamstress etc. Basically, just the same as I would any friend.

I love my sister, but wouldn't want her moving in to my life.
There is something about sibling relationships.
Your sister has built her own life, and her own identity in that life.
She doesn't want you messing that up.
I wouldn't want to share my cleaner (assuming I had one) with my sister, because that would lead to comparisons. And gossip.
You have moved back, despite your sister's fairly obvious attempts to dissuade you. Give her some space. Once she realises you are not going to impinge on her life (you're not, are you?), she will probably relax.
But your fantasy about family support stomped all over her fantasy about living her own life independent of family.
You should have taken the hint.

I really don't get some of the early replies. Some of the strangest I've seen on MN and that's saying something.

She's clearly miffed that she put you in a box, the supportive, high-achieving but lonely box. And you've dared to get out of the box and forge your own family. How dare you! She just doesn't like you treading on her territory, literally or figuratively. It's not normal to not pass on useful numbers, it's lacking in generosity of spirit. Unless you're the kind of person that would be difficult with tradespeople, and make their life hard. In which case I wouldn't pass on numbers because I wouldn't want to be associated with that person or have people I get on with given a hard time.

The only thing I'm a bit curious about is how you don't know when people have died but you do. Is she more family minded but you don't bother so much?

Anyway if it's purely envy, there's not much you can do about it. She's unlikely to change or be open with you about it as she wouldn't want to see herself in a bad light. However, if another incident came up, you could ask her then. E.g. you seem reluctant to give me that number, is there any reason, etc.

I think your sister is being really weird, and I suspect that there is some jealousy in her behaviour. She is definitely not being supportive, and is actually (passively) throwing spokes in your wheels, e.g. not telling you about a bad builder. These are not actions motivated by love. Is it possible she feels out-competed by you, and resentful?

I think as PPs have said, your sister is (for whatever reason) not all that happy with having you living in "her" area and as a result she's trying to establish boundaries with you.

For me, that raises two questions. First of all, is she being nice? No, it's not nice, she was happy to live in your pocket when her kids were small and she needed childcare, but now she wants her space, and that's hypocritical and unfriendly. Second, as she's not being nice, should you try to get her to behave more in the way you would want? No. No because it won't work. The more you push, the more she'll withdraw. So you need to stop asking her for advice. There's nothing wrong with someone asking their sister for their cleaner's number, you haven't done anything wrong - but knowing now how she reacts, you shouldn't be surprised if asking her stuff like this makes her withdraw further. Some people are just difficult.

Oh my goodness your sister is being really strange. I would have expected her to be delighted you would have so much in common and huge so close.

I pc it were my sister I would have a non confrontational discussion about what was up. Might be not really about you - she sounds unhappy and for some reason very protective of her life. You could be best friends, but for some reason she is pushing you away.

I am sure this is really tough for you - not at all what you imagined.

While it’s not fair to drag her into the middle, could your mum she’d some light? Even check you haven’t inadvertently done something wrong

II have a DSis like this. She has met most of my close friends. Sends them friends requests on facebook etc. but I have never met any of her friends.

Sometimes I wonder if she has fabricated a life other than what she really has for her own friends.

She's a little bit like a young Hyacinth Bucket.

The builder thing is weird - surely no one wants to see a relative messed about over something major like house renovations - but did she actually know about the guy’s reputation or would her husband have had to do some digging? Did you go on review sites like ‘Trust a Trader’ to reaseach him or ask for reference she from pre ious customers of his? Perhaps she felt you were expecting her to do the leg work for you rather than you finding stuff out for yourself.

On the cleaner - if she is as good as you have said perhaps she has closed her books and doesn’t want any more clients so has asked her current clients specifically not to hand out her number (but you’d think any normal person would say to you that their cleaner is so busy she’s not taking on any additional work, even one off cleans) or perhaps your sister just doesn’t want you using the same woman.

Is it possible from your sister’s point of view that, after having moved away, spent your younger adult like having fun and whatever in your newly chosen area while she has worked hard to settle and forge a life in an area that she has found tough to be accepted in (maybe she feels she has sacrificed a lot because of higher costs of living near good schools etc) you’ve now met someone, had children and are trying to ‘become’ her - live in same area, send kids to same activities, use the same cleaner etc and her behaviour is because she doesn’t want you to (in her eyes) ‘become’ her by copying how she has structured her life?

No one, even yourself, knows her reasoning and It's not worth thinking on. It sounds like she chose to be lc with you and then you moved closer causing her to react and keep pressing to be lc.

I would stop trying. You've helped her when younger, shown interest and tried to have a relationship but for whatever reason she doesn't want one. It's sad; she may have justified reasons or she may not, have you ever bluntly asked her?

"The only thing I'm a bit curious about is how you don't know when people have died but you do. Is she more family minded but you don't bother so much?"

It's not necessarily the OP's issue.

This happened to me recently. A very old family friend, let's call her G, died (she had been ill for a while). I have been friends with her daughter, S, since we were born - we're not close, but we exchange the odd message, cards, a few times a year. Anyway, their family told my parents of G's death, and my parents told everyone except me, even though we actually speak on the phone regularly. Which meant I didn't send S any messages of condolence or support because I didn't bloody well know. S had to tell me herself when she realised. It was incredibly embarrassing. I swear to God the issue is not with me - I make the greatest effort of anyone in my family to stay in touch, to buy presents, to be supportive etc.

"The builder thing is weird - surely no one wants to see a relative messed about over something major like house renovations"

My guess- and it's just a guess - is that the sister feels resentful that she has the additional burden of care work that comes with having a child with additional needs, and is looking at OP's life with envy (and probably, in her head, assuming it's all sunlight and flowers). It would be consonant with the kind of spite that would say "Ha! Now she knows what difficulty feels like!" rather than trying to help a relative in trouble.