Is my sister acting wierd ?

[TW1]

I’ll try to keep this brief .

My older sister an educated professional married young and settled in a great part of a town , married a very successful man and has led a good life with two children. One of her children has a health problem ( her son ) which is very touch for her . Aside of this she has a rather good life . As a ‘spinster ‘Aunty I had always been the choice baby sitter and have been very close to her children .

Roll on years and I married late and now have young children of my own, I did the whole career thing and met someone amazing . We moved around the country with jobs etc .

As with any young family having children makes one think about relocating closer to family and so We planned to move back closer to where I grew up and where my parents are ..Concerned re schools etc we went for loving to the same area as my sister .

At first she tried to put me off saying we wouldn’t be able to afford it . We moved anyway and have carved a life together which we love here . We barely bother her , though she pops round to mine sometimes , mainly for a cup of tea or to bring / drop her kids round , on rare occasions if I’m desperate , I’ll ask her for a hand with my kids if her children are at school ( she doesn’t work) I try not to do it as I know she is burdened with her sons health problem .

Anyway , I increasingly find it difficult to ask her for any advice about the area , every little things is a big ask, I tried to ask her for her cleaners phone number and she wouldn’t give it without me practically dragging it out of her , recently trying to send my son to the same extra curricular activity event that her daughter goes to and I can’t seem to get a contact number from her for the place my niece goes to ..

Stuff like that ... the list is endless , most of the time she seems fine but it feels like she just doesn’t want me to settle here , even though I rarely bother her and she comes to my house more than I ever go to hers ...

When I got my house renovated she didn’t tell me what her DH knew about the builder .. that the man was going to mess us about ... he did really badly

I was heavily pregnant and moving house when I was trying to get her cleaners phone number to book a one off clean

AIBU to think she’s acting a bit wierd and what would you do ?

My parents moved to be near us. I thought I would love it but for ages I found it really stifling. They wanted to be involved in everything,if I said I was going somewhere they would come along. Sometimes I wanted to just wander round the local shops,not really buying anything, just pottering around, and I would worry about meeting my mum and having to explain what I was doing and sit and have a cup of tea in a coffee shop with her. All the things I thought I would live doing with her, but when you're not used to someone being around all the time it's hard.
I have calmed down a bit now, after a year or so. So I sort of get your sister. She needs a bit of space and not you doing the same things as her all the time.
Not telling you about the builder is mean though.

No I don’t bother her at her house unless it’s desperate . Normally go there about once every 3-6 months if I have to .. she lives a twenty minute walk away . She come to mine a few times a week ....

Actually I’m wondering if she’s feeling used? Your sister visits you regularly so obviously wants a relationship with you yet from what you’ve written, you only bother with her if you’re “desperate” or need something from her like her cleaner’s number, extra curricular information etc. Your entire post is about how she’s unhelpful to you, won’t give you advice, won’t give you information or doesn’t invite you to socialize but nowhere do you say anything about inviting her to socialize etc.

Do you feel like she owes you for babysitting when you were single?

I think she was comfortable with the previous 'role' you had in the family and can't cope with you changing 'roles' by having a family too.

Just drift away. Its sad but it happens. I had something similar with my brother - his kids/needs always came first with the family (parents gave him loads of money) and I was always the 'independent one. Once I had kids, and a lot medical issues he spent the whole time minimising anything I went through and still felt that I should have the time and energy to be the 'supporting one'. We don't talk much anymore sadly - I had thought we were close, but discovered it was only if I played a certain role in the family.

It sounds like she liked being the ‘settled one’ and you were her, like you described- spinster sister.
Now you’ve come into your own, the dynamics have shifted and she does not like it.
Yes you should be able to go to your sister for things like you’ve described, but she’s perhaps feeling the strain of her own life and subconsciously taking it out on you.
You seem to be content in your life and that’s really good- we should be happy for our siblings and want the best but sometimes sibling rivalry never really goes away. Do your own thing, and leave things to settle down. The lest said the more reparable, and things will get better given time.

I am going out on a limb here op, but does your sister think she is superior to you? Wealthy, connected and working for community charities.

I think you have come along and perhaps ruined (in her mind) her carefully constructed life? Perhaps you are not polished enough/ educated or sophisticated enough in her mind? Why on earth wouldn’t you be introduced to her friends???

I don’t know you or your sister, but she sounds like a hyacinth bucket and you are playing second fiddle.

This isn’t kind or fair but that’s how it sounds to me. If this is the case I suggest you ask nothing more of her, and distance yourself. Don’t be in a rush to help her out in future.

Sorry I meant that I never go to her house

It's a 20 minute walk away....why don't you visit ? You think she is acting weird, but to me it's weird that you live near her but never go over to see her. Maybe she thinks you are weird, coming to live near her but never visiting .

I think it’s likely based on insecurity, competitiveness and lack of generosity of spirit. She’s rather closed and mean-spirited. Who actually begrudges their sister a good cleaner and a good builder?

In your situation I would just stop trying to have a relationship with her, dial everything right back, including the stuff you help her with - like having her kids round,

I don’t think she can have it all ways.

She needs to make a decision: if she wants to benefit from your help with her kids then she needs to behave like a functioning adult. If she can’t do that and she wants things only her way, then she does without your support.

I read it that OP was never invited to her DSIS's house. Not that she doesn't make the effort to go. That seems to be implicit in this:

"So even though I never go to get house except in an emergency , and I’ve spent most of my adult life baby sitting her children , I should now have little to do with her unless she decides to come to mine ?"

You think she is acting weird, but to me it's weird that you live near her but never go over to see her. Maybe she thinks you are weird, coming to live near her but never visiting

By the sounds of it OP is NFI. Sister wants to drop her kids off with OP, and may have a cup of tea while she’s there but she doesn’t invite OP to hers. Won’t invite her to dinner parties etc.

I wonder if maybe she feels like you only see her when you need something. A classic crossed wires and having a child with special needs can magnify this feeling as you find people withdrawing from you especially as they get older and lose the "cute" factor.
You say you try to not bother her only visiting every few months but she comes to you a few times a week this could feel to her that she is having to make all the effort. You asking her for advice may seem to her that you only want something.
She may want to keep your lives separate because she is embarrassed by hers I know I don't line to invite people with NT children to my house because it heightens my awareness of my children disabilities.
I am not saying you are like this but it is all about perception. You sound like you have been supportive over the years. Talk to her, go for a drink together and talk.

She's being weird, yes. She doesn't want to see you in her area doing the same things, because she doesn't want to share, which is typical older sibling jealousy. Not giving you the cleaner's number nor information about the builder is nasty and weird, I'd call her out on it because she ought to explain herself. Not inviting you to all the dinner parties is fair enough, but never inviting you is also odd. Maybe just relax your babysitting duties until you feel she's treating you fairly or decides to have a conversation with you about it.

On the face of what you have said here, I think YABU.

"At first she tried to put me off saying we wouldn't be able to afford it. We moved anyway"

"I tried to ask her for her cleaners phone number and she wouldn't give it without me practically dragging it out of her."

"recently trying to send my son to the same extra curricular activity event her daughter goes to and I can't seem to get a contact number for the place"

"Stuff like that....... the list is endless"

You obviously lack insight into your behaviour. Living in the same area, using her cleaner, sending your child to the same activity as hers. You say yourself that the list is endless. Whether you are doing it inadvertently or not, I can see why your sister might find this annoying.

She tried to put you off moving there and used an excuse to put you off. She didn't want you to move there. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you but she wanted/wants her own space.

I would like to hear your sister's side of the story. I think there will be a back story starting from when you were kids growing up together that you perhaps don't realise.

Yes she is acting weird.Worse,her not warning you about the dodgy builder is downright nasty,as is her not wanting to look at videos of your son-she could at least pretend to be interested!
Perhaps she's jealous and resentful because (in her eyes) you've done more with your life and it seems better than hers. Why don't you actually say something to her? You should have said something about the builder situation and then perhaps gone on from their re your other niggles. Maybe you are doing something wrong/she doesn't like that she's needing to tell you,but doesn't know how to broach the subject. I think communication is the key here. Talk to her,clear the air and see if you can't repair your relationship. Good luck OP.

This is very odd.personally I’d take a step back, message her and say flat out this week sorry won’t be able to catch you.

I feel for you OP. Of course she's being unreasonable and it's clearly upsetting you.

However, to play devils advocate for a minute just to see her point of view - you said she comes to yours often but you rarely 'bother' her by going to hers. Could she be upset that she makes all the effort to see you, and you make minimal effort to go to see her?

I live in the same town as my parents. They NEVER come to my house, I go to theirs all the time. It pisses me off, I'd like them to pop round for a cuppa and see where I live from time to time. Maybe your sister feels similar?

Why is it always your sister going to you & you rarely bothering to go to hers?

If your sister doesn't want to tell you something-do you insist & insist until she does?

Why/how did her husband know that the builder would mess you about?

She tried to put you off moving there and used an excuse to put you off. She didn't want you to move there. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you but she wanted/wants her own space.

Sister doesn’t own the area! It’s the place they both grew up. She can choose to be antisocial but she doesn’t have a say in where OP lives.

You've both fallen into an odd dynamic. As a PP says, you live nearby but don't visit her yet will ask for her cleaner's number . . . she may think you are keeping her at a distance except when you need something from her or want information. It may also be that her DH is wary of you encroaching on their life and so has asked her to keep some divisions between you.
The other issue is that sometimes siblings have a view of us that's shaped in childhood and doesn't take into account the adult you've become. For that reason, bringing them into an adult friendship group can be odd.
You did jump very quickly to being upset and wanting this thread deleted. I wonder if you can be emotionally manipulative without realising it.

"Worse,her not warning you about the dodgy builder is downright nasty,as is her not wanting to look at videos of your son-she could at least pretend to be interested!"

On one level I agree with you. On another level, I can see the reverse: "My son has coordination and learning difficulties, and my DSis has the perfect family. She regularly asks me to look at videos of her son swimming and doing athletic activities and I feel jealous that my son will never be able to do the same".

(Of course, the Mumsnet answer would be: this isn't your sister's fault and you're being a bit unreasonable, but maybe have a chat with her about how this makes you feel and the struggles you are experiencing with these additional needs your own child has).

I don’t think she’s jealous. I think she feels uncomfortable that you seem to be wanting to mimic her life. Maybe she’s resentful that she’s done all the searching, interviewing, etc for cleaners, schools, extracurricular activities, while looking after her children and needing to do additional research to ensure her disabled child has the best. You have a career, then marriage and children, then you want the things she has, without having any of the hassle that she’s had, finding those services.

It’s a case of, in her eyes, you saying “right, I’ve done the career, got the family, moved into your area, now could you give me the details of all the nice things you have, because I can’t be arsed doing the work of looking for them myself.”

I have no advice, but OP, it sounds like an unnecessarily difficult situation; risen from what could have been a lovely situation

Seriously S1naid, if you think like that about helping a friend or sister out, there is something wrong with you. It's not normal to want to see other people struggle unnecessarily, while you hold some of the answers that could help them out. It lacks a certain generosity of spirit.

downcasteyes

Where did I say I wouldn’t help a friend out? Seriously downcasteyes, the OP was trying to understand her sister’s reaction, so I’ve suggested how her sister might feel. That’s not saying how I’d feel under those circumstances. Sheesh. 🙄

It does sound weird, but I suspect your perception is skewed so we’re not seeing the full picture.

You say you only go to her house in an emergency / desperate situation, and that’s every 3-6 months.

Really?!

I have 4 sisters, and we’ve been adults for about 30 years. How many times have I gone to any of them or them to me in an EMERGENCY? Zero.

If you have a desperate situation 2-4x a year, she possibly finds you a bit drama-laden?!

I know I’d think “fucksake” if my sister was asking me for activity phone numbers, instead of just looking it up herself. The internet - it’s as quick to do it yourself as ask!

As for the dead relatives... she didn’t murder them, how is she to know that you don’t know?

I suspect there’s far more to this.

I suspect there’s far more to this.

Me too. I don’t think it’s as simple as the OP is making out.