Is my sister acting wierd ?

[TW1]

I’ll try to keep this brief .

My older sister an educated professional married young and settled in a great part of a town , married a very successful man and has led a good life with two children. One of her children has a health problem ( her son ) which is very touch for her . Aside of this she has a rather good life . As a ‘spinster ‘Aunty I had always been the choice baby sitter and have been very close to her children .

Roll on years and I married late and now have young children of my own, I did the whole career thing and met someone amazing . We moved around the country with jobs etc .

As with any young family having children makes one think about relocating closer to family and so We planned to move back closer to where I grew up and where my parents are ..Concerned re schools etc we went for loving to the same area as my sister .

At first she tried to put me off saying we wouldn’t be able to afford it . We moved anyway and have carved a life together which we love here . We barely bother her , though she pops round to mine sometimes , mainly for a cup of tea or to bring / drop her kids round , on rare occasions if I’m desperate , I’ll ask her for a hand with my kids if her children are at school ( she doesn’t work) I try not to do it as I know she is burdened with her sons health problem .

Anyway , I increasingly find it difficult to ask her for any advice about the area , every little things is a big ask, I tried to ask her for her cleaners phone number and she wouldn’t give it without me practically dragging it out of her , recently trying to send my son to the same extra curricular activity event that her daughter goes to and I can’t seem to get a contact number from her for the place my niece goes to ..

Stuff like that ... the list is endless , most of the time she seems fine but it feels like she just doesn’t want me to settle here , even though I rarely bother her and she comes to my house more than I ever go to hers ...

When I got my house renovated she didn’t tell me what her DH knew about the builder .. that the man was going to mess us about ... he did really badly

I was heavily pregnant and moving house when I was trying to get her cleaners phone number to book a one off clean

AIBU to think she’s acting a bit wierd and what would you do ?

You can only understand this by taking her out for a coffee and having a chat about it.

From my perspective you sound a bit flippant about the stress of bringing up a disabled child. I'm doing it and it's endless meetings etc - their needs change all the time and the worry about their future can be overwhelming (my experience is like this anyway). Our family life is quite different from my friends family life with non disabled children. We have to plan everything down to the smallest detail.

You also mention you were babysitter of choice for years but you've also travelled a lot which sounds a little contradictory - not getting at you but I think your memory of it might be different from hers.

Either way you sound like a loving auntie and nice sister - talk to her.

Well if she thinks like this then the sister has a massive chip in her shoulder S1naidSucks

How on Earth is taking your child swimming and having a cleaner replicating someone else life???
And why wouldn’t you tell that xx builder is dodgy?

I think most people would feel let down if a friend, let alone a family member, was doing that and would stop the friendship.

If there is only that going on, then I would say that your dsis is only using you for what you can give (company, free childcare etc...)

It sounds a bit to me like she has the hump you found your DH and has children because she'd been used to you being available to her family.

Honestly? It sounds like she feels your life is easier than hers and doesn't want to make it even easier for you. She resents helping you.

Maybe she likes the mums at the club, she gets to talk to them and a brief break from her life and doesn't want to change to talking to you or you joining that group and them preferring you?

You sound very outgoing and exciting so maybe she likes her cleaner and knows the cleaner will prefer you?

She is probably set in her ways and doesn't want to introduce you to everyone and have them prefer you?

Try not to take it personally. I remember I had a friend move 3 hours as she liked my area, she tried to just integrate into every aspect of my life and I honestly hated it, and put her off whenever I could! You can be best friends but that doesn't mean you want someone to be a part of every aspect of your life after years apart?

OP, have you talked with her about how you feel and the issues you have raised here?

One of my sisters is a bit like this with not wanting people she knows/socialises with getting involved with any of her siblings as she's embarassed by most of us and doesn't want any gossip where people would say 'oh you know X's sister?' that kind of thing. She thinks people will always associate her with the terrible pretty normal every day issues goings on of our family and she is better than us so wants no connection to it. She would hate if our sister moved near us and sent her children to any groups her kids go to, in fact she would remove her kids just to avoid anyone 'linking' them as cousins. It's madness.

You can move wherever you want, particularly if it's back home to family. Just move in your own circles and stay away from hers.

I have a sibling who I like, but in some ways we're different enough that a little distance doesn't hurt. We have different lives and different outlooks. So even though we always want to chat and have a cuppa, about half the time we could do things together instead of separately, I don't suggest it - this way our relationship ticks along beautifully and harmoniously.

It could be something as innocuous as your respective attitudes to religion, politics, cleanliness, or types of friends meaning a bit of separation sometimes works well - it doesn't have to mean she dislikes you.

TWI

"I would never ask to socialise with her friends"

But she doesn't know that, because she doesn't know where your boundaries lie, you have already moved in on her cleaner, her kids activities, probably other things you haven't mentioned, why would she not think that at some point you will "Wendy" her with her friendships.

She clearly wants a life that is not totally exposed to family, where every little movement is tracked , where you always have to watch what you say in case it gets back to the wrong person. Some people are happy to share every detail of their life with their family, their mum, their sisters, other people prefer not to.

Imagine two lions on the Serengeti, a new lioness (you) has encroached on the territory of another liones(your sister) and is scent marking everywhere, of course the sister lion is going to be peed off and antagonistic. I think you need to step back, or there might be bloodshed.

You are not an awful person, based on what you've said here. But you do need to withdraw contact from her a bit and stop identifying yourself with her reactions. I'd advise the same in any one-sided relationship where the interest and support mostly is one-way only. Continuing like this will only drain and frustrate you.

Were you the spoilt youngest and she the 'put upon ' eldest child.
Does she feel you were the popular one and she doesn't want you moving into her circle.
Did she assume you loved spending time with her DCs and it doesn't occur to her to feel the need to repay this.
Perhaps she's jealous, your fun life continues whilst she has the responsibility of a disabled child?

In simple terms I think she was happy with the previous status quo

She was the married and settled with children sister, and as you said yourself you were the spinster sister and had your career.

That was fine because she had one thing and you had another, seemed fair right? Except now you have everything she has too! Perhaps she could just about cope with that when you lived further away, but now your on her doorstep it’s a constant reminder and she’s struggling with it.

She’s obviously conflicted about all of this as she’s still willing to spend time with and drops in for a cuppa etc but this is very much on her terms. When it comes to info about clubs for kids and cleaners etc she’s obviously not wanting to share.

I think all you can do in maintain a healthy distance, find your own cleaner and use clubs that are separate from hers and just let her have the space she wants/needs. I would also try not to take it to heart because from what you have said I’d guess that she doesn’t want to feel the way she does but perhaps can’t help it.

I increasingly find it difficult to ask her for any advice about the area , every little things is a big ask, I tried to ask her for her cleaners phone number and she wouldn’t give it without me practically dragging it out of her

One diplomatic thing.... you aren't really asking her for advice you are pumping her for information. Try asking her for advice instead. So instead of "what's your cleaner's number" ask "do you know how could I find a good cleaner, you found Jenny she's fantastic" People love giving advice and they'll often volunteer information if you only ask for advice.

Could she be having an affair or have some kind of secret she's terrified that living nearby you'll find out and expose her ?

It sounds like she wants everything on her own terms.

Her loss if she doesn't want a closer relationship.

the list is endless

Stop asking! Pretend she doesn't live in that town. Why put yourself through this?

I think it's going to be really tough to tell because we only hear one side of it. Your posts seem reasonable until you got a bit dramatic about deleting threads and being an awful person. That made me think of my own sister.

I suppose there are two ways of looking at it (actually more like 500 of them but I really only have experience of two)

My Dsis is dramatic and passive aggressive. We had an odd upbringing where we were pitched as competitors in a way. She was the pretty one and I was the smart one blah blah blah. However my view is that we are adults now and need to get over it all and move on. She chooses to behave in the same way.
Honestly I have no time for the drama games and the getting involved in everything , not to mention she always thinks she can weigh in with her opinion on my life.

So I don't see her , life is far too short and I wouldn't allow a stranger to stick their oar in to my life so why would I allow her?

If we lived in the same place I absolutely guarantee she would feel entitled to be part of everything and comment and judge and whatnot.

I am under no illusions I annoy the hell out of her...so in my sister's case if we were local to each other (thank all that is holy the m25 sits between us , a useful buffer ) I may behave similarly . However I fully accept my sister and family are somewhat toxic (Batshit crazy would be my wording on bad days ).

Now DP is very close to his brothers and if they behave like this, it would absolutely be wierd as they have a fairly standard (if a little male "phnar phnar remember that time we got pissed at the pub" relationship).

So there is a lot between yes she is wierd no she is not. Your somewhat dramatic poor me I'm an awful person post sounds a lot like my sister but tone and intention are very hard to assess in posts.

I think that most of what the sister has done (that we've been told about) can be related to resentment, not wanting the OP to cash in on her knowledge, wanting to keep her own circle etc. - but this STILL doesn't get past not warning the OP about the dodgy builder.

You can put all the kinder constructions on everything else, but NOT that. That is spite.

I would be really annoyed if my sister asked for my cleaner’s number. It’s irritating when people (even sisters and maybe more so sisters) copy everything you do and even want the same cleaner which is a personal thing. Also the children’s club. That would also annoy me. Maybe I’m extremely odd as I can see people here seem to think you’re doing nothing wrong. Personally I like to have my own space and wouldn’t work anywhere my sister works or have the same friends etc. I had a lifetime of this sort of copying/ intrusion.

God those of you who think that I’m copying my sister are seriously crazy !!!

I clearly haven’t copied my sister as I have travelled the country and have had a significant other life before settling down and never got married or had kids when she did .

The reason I want this thread deleted and my other sarcastic comment was because :

I realised that in today’s society it seems that a lot of people wouldn’t give their pregnant sister a phone number of their cleaner so she can have a ONE OFF clean of her house new house which has recently been renovated ( because she can’t clean it herself in her state and needs someone she can TRUST with the keys ( ie does not plan to even MEET the said cleaner )

I also realised that Mumsnet is not the most amazing place to air these issues because clearly I come from a planet where I have spent most of my life trying to be NICE and helpful to my siblings , unlike a number of you who seem to be very distant from FAMILY

And NO , moving to the same area as your sibling because you want to send your children to the GOOD SCHOOLS does NOT amount to COPYING your sister . How ridiculous .

Yes very depressing to know that a lot of you wouldn’t give your sibling a Cleaner’s number .

What a joke .

I’m still waiting to have this thread deleted .

Thanks to those normal people who have posted and have normal ideas about family relationships . Clearly there IS hope . Signing out x

It’s admirable that you want to have a close relationship with your sister. It might be a good idea to pick up on her cues for when she feels the boundaries are being pushed. And the thing with the cleaner is that she is a person - probably a friend of your sister. It’s not like you just want to borrow a service. It’s quite a personal thing. However I’m sure you’re a lovely sister. And I am not close at all with my family.

@ TW1, I too would be upset by your sisters behaviour, and can see why you’re upset at some of the posts on this thread.

Are you close enough that you could talk through how you feel with her?

So now you lovely ladies think you OWN your cleaner and no one else should have her .

how does the cleaner get more work if you don’t recommend her and keep her to yourself .

How bizarre . Beyond my comprehension .

Yes I’ve think I shall have a chat in real life with my sister .

This place is clearly a little bit warped .

Well, there are plenty of reasonable responses amongst what are I agree frankly weird ones.
Op, I think your sister is being very unreasonable. It would probably help you to talk to her if you reviewed this thread and thought I could work harder at staying calm, as you do seem to get rather wrought up quickly. While I know lots of people from close families who would find your sisters behaviour very upsetting, I don’t think I know many people that would have a few people disagree and go shit I must be a horrible person. You will get results much better if you can control that knee jerk reaction a bit.