Is my sister acting wierd ?

[TW1]

I’ll try to keep this brief .

My older sister an educated professional married young and settled in a great part of a town , married a very successful man and has led a good life with two children. One of her children has a health problem ( her son ) which is very touch for her . Aside of this she has a rather good life . As a ‘spinster ‘Aunty I had always been the choice baby sitter and have been very close to her children .

Roll on years and I married late and now have young children of my own, I did the whole career thing and met someone amazing . We moved around the country with jobs etc .

As with any young family having children makes one think about relocating closer to family and so We planned to move back closer to where I grew up and where my parents are ..Concerned re schools etc we went for loving to the same area as my sister .

At first she tried to put me off saying we wouldn’t be able to afford it . We moved anyway and have carved a life together which we love here . We barely bother her , though she pops round to mine sometimes , mainly for a cup of tea or to bring / drop her kids round , on rare occasions if I’m desperate , I’ll ask her for a hand with my kids if her children are at school ( she doesn’t work) I try not to do it as I know she is burdened with her sons health problem .

Anyway , I increasingly find it difficult to ask her for any advice about the area , every little things is a big ask, I tried to ask her for her cleaners phone number and she wouldn’t give it without me practically dragging it out of her , recently trying to send my son to the same extra curricular activity event that her daughter goes to and I can’t seem to get a contact number from her for the place my niece goes to ..

Stuff like that ... the list is endless , most of the time she seems fine but it feels like she just doesn’t want me to settle here , even though I rarely bother her and she comes to my house more than I ever go to hers ...

When I got my house renovated she didn’t tell me what her DH knew about the builder .. that the man was going to mess us about ... he did really badly

I was heavily pregnant and moving house when I was trying to get her cleaners phone number to book a one off clean

AIBU to think she’s acting a bit wierd and what would you do ?

She’s not acting like a sister and it’s a big shame. I would say how you fell and say it’s a shame and your hurt your own sister would have an issue with you.

Family should stick together, doesn’t she want her kids being close in the future?

It seems like she is jealous and competitive or fears you will steal her thunder in some way, it is certainly not the way to treat a relative you like and are close to. I live near to other family members and can't imagine not warning them about a dodgy builder.

You can't change the way she behaves, though if it was someone I cared about I'd have to speak to them about it directly.

Basically, it's a feeling of insecurity on her part. It seems from childhood when she was the older sister and then the baby came along, and got a lot of attention and took over. Suddenly she wasn't the centre of the world any more. She loves you, she wants to see you and spend time with you, but she doesn't want you taking over her world. I can understand that. I'm an older sister.

Have you ever asked her about it? If she is round your place so often, surely you can talk to her about her behaviour in a gentle non confrontational way. 'I wonder if you feel me moving here is a bit stifling?'

It sounds as if she has carved a life out for herself in and she has pulled up the drawbridge. Perhaps she more private, shyer, perhaps she feels there will be unfavorable comparisons - with your travelling and career.

Could you be more forceful? Argumentive - you're a tad prickly in your updates 'God this is depressing' 'And I must be a horrible person'. Could she be wary of this?

Some of the things you mentioned can be overlooked - like your son's swimming video - nothing more dull than home made videos of other people's kids. The builder thing is odd though - is she a person who doesn't like to recommend people or services for fear of a backlash. Her being vague about the activity your daughter wants to attend suggests she doesn't want to share which does seem odd.

She obviously wants your company or she wouldn't be visiting so often, however she's jealous, first of your freedom when you were singe, Now she's jealous of your "perfect" family and fiercely protective of her own little circle.

It is strange about the not helping you but I understand the not wanting to encroach on her life. I love my sister to bits but we have separate lives.

What did she say when you asked why she didn't mention about the builder? It's almost as if she's happy to see you"fail" to make her life seem "better". That's why she wasn't interested in seeing the video of your ds swimming.

I'd show some vulnerability yourself, ask her advice and praise her when she's helpful. Big her up and dumb yourself down. See if that works. Or just ask her what the problem is and pull her up when she lets you down eg the builder. Raise your boundaries more. She can't expect all your help and give nothing in return.
Failing that, accept that she's jealous and take her for who and what she is. I can understand why you are upset though.

Some bloody odd responses on here. It's totally normal to ask for her cleaners number or the activity details.

Her behaviour is weird, very. These are details you'd give a stranger for goodness sake.

I think she doesn't want your lives linked too much. Maybe she's not totally honest about things with you and feels that if you share a cleaner or your child attends the same club, then you will find out things about her life she'd rather you didn't know.

So I have a suspicion she maintains a facade in front of you, and the sort of thing you're looking for, may shatter that for her. I think there is details of her life she doesn't wish you to know.

It doesn't seem like she wants any kind of close relationship with you. Try and accept it for what it is and stop hoping for more than she's offering because you'll just be disappointed

I used to live in a beautiful area of Scotland, my sister was living somewhere not too nice in England, I helped relocate her to my area, found her somewhere to live etc, I since moved of to other areas of Scotland to live, she now looks upon that area of Scotland as hers and if I even mention moving back is really is not pleased at all. She has taken ownership and does not want me there. That’s sister for you. Just accept it.

I'm not sure she is being overly weird. Heaps of people are protective of their cleaners numbers, especially if they're great, for fear of them being poached!

She sees you regularly, so she obviously doesn't have an issue with you.

With regards to the activities, maybe it's the kids who don't want their cousin at their activity? My BFs kids hate their cousins being at all of their sporting activities. They see the cousins at family events and catch-ups, but don't want them in their sports teams. They want to just hang out with their own friends.

In terms of not telling you about the death of someone. Maybe it wasn't important to her? I tell family about things that have happened in my life etc. but nothing that I've heard about anyone else. Maybe she assumes you'll have heard the news yourself from elsewhere.

It seems that you're looking for a closer relationship than she's willing to give. My DM was the same when I moved closer (not to be closer to her). She assumed she'd see me and my family more and be more involved. But my life was just as busy as it had been, in fact it got busier, and I was happy with the relationship we already had.

It sounds like jealousy and resentment on her part is resulting in spite. I wonder if she does feel put out by you moving near by? Especially as one of he comments was that you couldn't afford It. She was the sister who had it all and now you are having it all too and I don't think she likes it. She preferred your status as 'spinster ain't and younger sister.
I think it is horrible what she did to you with the builder, that is next-level nasty and I'd find that hard to forgive.
It sounds like she might have created a lifestyle or has given you a perception of a lifestyle that might not be completely true to real life and is trying to protect against you finding that out. Or, it might be that she's just jealous and spiteful in the 'it's not enough that I succeed, all around me should fail' way.
I'd really cool it with her to be honest. It doesn't sound like you get much from the relationship.

I don’t have a sister and my brother lives three hours away. But if I did I would love to have her around- maybe that’s a non sister talk, but I if my brother moved back I would love it, although I think he would be distant if I moved by him, my SIL would be fab though she’s ace.

I think she enjoyed being the married wealthy one with a single sister and now the balance has shifted she feels insecure and although I am sure she still loves you -is feeling insecure and being petty and nasty.
I would move forward as though she doesn't live near by. Don't ask her for anything and make your own contacts etc. Even though it is a real shame. I think it will make you feel less sad at having been let down

Are you Asian? I got that vibe. Is she jealous that she had a monopoly over your parents? Also, maybe she has always been this way, but living far apart meant you didn't see it as clearly. There something going on. It's not normal. I think you have to talk about it even if it makes things worse because they are going to get worse anyway. There's clearly a lot behind the scenes here, I think. I'd love to see her post about you!

There are some weird responses here. Op your sister is strange. I'd give my cleaner's number to anyone who asked for it. It's bizzare that she wouldn't share it, and withholding the information about the builder is plain nasty.

Maybe you should confront her, if she doesn't give a good explanation then think about stepping back.

I think this is really weird behaviour. I have a sister and I would be thrilled if we lived in the same area. I would actually go out of my way to be helpful to her and share information about the area. I don’t know if it’s a weird competitiveness on your sister’s part or if she’s just a prickly character, but I find her attitude strange and a bit selfish. She’s benefited from your help over the years - there could be a bit of give and take now that you are occasionally asking for hers.

She’s being weird. She comes to yours three times a week yet wouldn’t tell you about the builder being a twat? Really weird. Have you tried asking her what her problem is?

Doesn't sound to me like she's jealous as such, I think she saw her life as superior to yours previously and was the "smug married". Your status in her eyes has changed and she doesn't like it. It's really weird not to give you details of cleaners/clubs etc. It's as if she wants to still be able to say hers is better than yours

Families and the dynamics are strange and your sister is being unreasonable here.

I think your sisters behaviour is odd. I live in a different country to my family but would love one of my siblings to live near by. I would have no issue passing on numbers for cleaners etc, I do think that is strange. Is she the oldest child? She sounds quite controlling in that she holds onto all of this information and is reluctant to release it for what ever reason. It’s a shame, you are her family and as it has been said she clearly likes spending time with you or she wouldn’t call on you so often. It sounds like it is her issue rather than you being a ‘bad person’.

I can understand the cleaner thing a bit-but otherwise she is behaving strangely.
Presuming you are close enough (she comes to your house 2-3 times a week, yes? Without ‘wanting’ anything?) I would spell it out and ask her what’s wrong.

Sounds like you've knocked her off her pedastel a little as the wealthy, older sister.

Basically she sounds jealous as hell. And very, insecure. She wants you to fail.

I think you should just come out and ask her. Her answer might surprise you. It may be she isn’t consciously doing this and you have just interpreted it this way.

Just ask her and tell her how you expected it to be. It can’t get worse.

I'm sure the default for any odd behaviour for MNetters is jealousy.

Try actually asking your sister.

It doesn't seem unreasonable for her to give you some numbers so this actually seems a bit nasty, especially the builder thing, like she wants you to fail and move elsewhere. Perhaps she's miffed that she had to find things out for herself and in her eyes you've just rocked up and are asking for all kinds of help.

But I agree, try asking her what's up. Or do you have any relatives, Mum etc who'd know what's going on?