In love with female teacher...

[Tumbletee]

Aibu to ask for advice/what is wrong with me?!
NC for obvious reasons.... Happily married to dh for eight years, and have two young children. Always considered myself completely heterosexual, never had any feelings to suggest otherwise, or question that, but over the past year, I've developed intense, overwhelming feelings towards my dds FEMALE preschool teacher! I only see her for approximately ten mins twice a week, but everytime it seems to intensify these feelings, and I can't seem to stop thinking about her. She's probably twenty years older than me, an average middle aged woman, but something about her is causing me to question wtf is going on in my brain?! I truly love my dh, we are very happy, and I feel guilty/ashamed/confused by these thoughts. I keep telling myself it doesn't actually matter as nothing is going to happen anyway, but then I have these fantasies where she tells me she knows how I feel and she feels the same, and it makes my heart race. It sounds insane. Even more now I've wrote it down and admitted everything. But what does it mean?! Am I bisexual? The thought of any other woman doesn't appeal to me at all, in the slightest, it's just her. She messaged me last week (occasionally she'll message about dd, school etc), but this was something really unimportant, and it seemed like maybe she was making an excuse to message me, and I convinced myself she felt the same, and got really excited... Then felt the awful guilt about dh, and how on earth I could be feeling like this about another person. Why after 35 years of "being straight" am I now fantasizing about myself being with a woman? I feel like I'm completely infatuated with her... Any advice?

I'm not sure how I feel about this and im not sure how you should feel but I think you should know because you're my partner and when I have strange feeling shit going on...you're the first person I want to tell'.

I would not do this. Posters who think this will throw a handgrenade in to your marriage are correct and not just for the reasons that have been stated. A lot of straight men see bisexuality as basically a kink for them to exploit. Him getting off on your crush is not what you need right now. Just don't see her anymore!

genuinely don't think I can stay with my dh when I feel like this.People split up/marriages breakdown/families live separately all the time, I'm not saying it's ideal, but it's not that unusual is it?

Not over a crush on someone who they don't even know is sexually attracted to the sex that they are. That's because it would be stupid.

you’ll be the talk of the playground

Oh for goodness sake - the approval of a few playground gossips is not the reason to make a decision about your future? Someone told me I'd never be invited to any dinner parties again when I got together with my now wife. I took no notice and anyway they were wrong. We get invited to social events all the time (including by the people who told me I'd never be invited anywhere ever again).

Gossips will gossip - ignore them and made decisions based on what's right for yoi and your family.

We were gossiped about- then when we got married half the village came. It was the wedding of the year. We have tons of friends and are very much a part of the community and village life.
People get over stuff.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad do you really not think it would be beyond selfish for the OP to not try and (I mean really try) to forget about her crush and work on her marriage? You don’t just throw that commitment away (especially when you have children) because there is something new and shiny.

If your dh had told you he had feelings for this woman and you were asking for advice there would be a resounding LTB.

HoumiLoomi
I have no idea what the OP should do - only she can make that decision for herself. Not you, or me, or a bunch of mumsnetters who don't know her.

My argument was that she shouldn't base any decision she does make (and nor should anyone else making decisions about their future) on being scared of a bunch of gossips in the playground or on 'being the talk of the playground.'

Just finished reading all of your posts OP.
TBH this sounds like you've created a huge forbidden romance out of nothing.
Sorry but your posts read like a Mills & Boon.

As the poster who said ‘talk of the playground’ you will note I included it at the end of the list, as the least important. I did not suggest she base her decision on that, I just included it as one of the probable consequences she should think about - whispers, stares, sniggers, all of which her children will notice.

I think this is why people are suggesting therapy:
www.mindbodygreen.com/0-26885/the-difference-between-love-limerence-a-therapist-explains.html

OP, have you had crushed on teachers before, when you were at school? Be honest with yourself.

Also, I don't think there is a soul mate for anyone. I'm sure you can make it work with this woman if you sacrificed your marriage for it. The issue to make it work would be give. You would. Doesn't mean it's meant to be. I think you can make anything work. Yes, children come from broken homes all the time but it doesn't make it desirable and it does not learn the impact on them. To be honest, you sound quite self absorbed to want to tell your dh. Think about whether you want your kids every other Christmas.

I had an intense bond with someone I went to a job interview with. He had all the qualities I admire, some of which my dh doesn't have, some he does. There was chemistry. It was awesome. I was thinking about him for days afterwards despite meeting him for only an hour or so. I bowed out of the job after that. I just thought: I'm not going to risk my marriage. This could go somewhere so I'll stop it now. I didn't need that particular job. Who knows, it may have come to nothing. It could have turned my whole family's life upside down, devastated my dear dh and kuds, but I walked away. And I'm glad.

Try not to mistake her fear at your inappropriate gaze, for lust.

Sorry I know this is a serious subject but this made me

OP I meant to add in my earlier post that the mother of one of my best friends left her DH for a teacher at our school. We were 14 at the time. It took my friend many, many difficult years for my friend to come to terms with it and re-establish a relationship with her mum. She has grown very fond of her step-dad over time but the damage caused by the school gate gossip not to mention the effect on her dad and siblings was awful. Her mum found the love of her life but it came at a heavy cost.

However I don't think any of this is really relevant for you as nothing you have written suggests your feelings are reciprocated...

However I don't think any of this is really relevant for you as nothing you have written suggests your feelings are reciprocated

Or that her "feelings" are more than a crush. You can't have real feelings for someone you've created in your mind.

For those questioning the need for therapy.

The oP is seriously considering putting her marriage in jeapardy. Far far better to find a neutral space to discuss these feelings and look at the real consequences of them with someone impartial than just to carry on churning it all over internally.

Op. Here are my thoughts. You have a major crush whatever you call it. Imagine your entire marriage destructing and years of misery from all concerned - find a therapist and deal with every single possible outcome in your mind before you take any crazy steps.

Marriage is bloody hard. Of course we are all going to find other people attractive at various levels through our life. Do you want to not see your kids half the week? Do you want to never have family holidays again? Do you want to see your husband weeping ???

Honestly I make myself remember all these points anytime I question my own marriage.

This has all escalated quite fast OP! You talk of it heading towards an emotional affair when you've had barely any interaction with her.

If you're unhappy in your relationship then you need to address that and decide if you want to stay with your husband or not. If you're questioning your sexuality then therapy could be a really good space to discuss before you make any big decisions about your marriage.

For now I'd avoid this woman and move your child to another preschool. Work out what you'd like to do about your marriage and go from there.

I experienced something similar with a female friend a few years ago. The feelings came out of nowhere and literally knocked me for six. My marriage was feeling a bit flat at the time but there was nothing fundamentally wrong with it, or my life which was perfectly lovely.
I ended up in the most awful emotionally intense situation with my female friend...she was very receptive at first and happy to go along with this emotional closeness we established, but to her it was a bit of laugh whereas I very quickly became very dependent on her and the whole thing just spiralled. My mind and emotions got in a total mess. I ended up having counselling and feeling really depressed about what had happened. It ruined my life for a good few years at what should have been a really nice time in my life, with everything else going really well.
The only good thing to come out of the whole sorry experience is that it’s given me a lot more empathy. It really made me realise how strong feelings can be and how hard it can be act in the right way. When I hear of other people now who are struggling emotionally, I think well yes, I’ve been there and I get it.

What’s really going I here? There has to be more to it than you are mskkng out? There is no way you would split up your family so suddenly for a crush. You say your husband but you seem pretty ambivalent about crushing him with the news you are in love with a women. You also say you don’t even know if you want married life on account of your feelings. Why would you do that if you love him so much? You don’t even know if this woman feels the same. Sounds like you are either looking for an out or you have had such feelings before. If you want to save your marriage stay away from the woman.

This sounds like a complete fantasy...

Op it’s not that uncommon for people who are married to grow close to others, find something in them that is missing in their marriage & leave their marriage for them. However, it is extremely uncommon to leave a marriage after having intense feelings for someone you don’t really know.
I don’t think you’re getting everything you want from your marriage & it’s manifesting itself in this limerance for this teacher. I think you’ve made up your mind that you need to do something about it as it’s causing you inner chaos, but I think the first step to ‘exploring your feelings’ is actually to talk to a therapist about them. You might find that once you have uncovered the reason why you feel the way you do, you may not feel that way anymore & be at peace with yourself. You might still find you feel the best thing to do is leave your marriage, which is fine, but it’ll be done with the knowledge that it’s definitely for the best. At the moment, acting on these feelings without knowing the reasons behind them, could cause a lot of unnecessary pain to yourself & everyone else.

Op is it possible that the unexpectedness of having lesbian feelings has made you see this as something other than the crush it is?

I disagree that attraction is because there is something missing in your marriage. What you miss is the excitement of falling in love, possibly the excitement/ adventure / risk of a new relationship. That's what the vast majority of people are looking for, especially if you've grown up with a pattern of falling for people and then moving on after a few years. We kid ourselves that we've grown up and are ready to commit, but it's a habit which is hard to completely get rid of.

Don’t tell your husband yet.

Read up on limerence, see if it could be that.

Personally I think you can work through quite a lot before you set a grenade off in your marriage. One you might regret for the rest of your life.

If you are very sure it’s not limerence, then I’d find a way of meeting her for a coffee/wine/park run/something. Something out of school that you’d do with a new friend.

Also, really look at your marriage. If it wasn’t for this would you be happy or have you settled?

Whatever you do, don’t leave your job.

I was going to name change for this, but I won't.

It happened to me once before, with a male that I also only knew in passing. Both married.

There was a 'spark', 'connection' 'feeling', (all cliches, I know) call it what you like, between us, that I had never felt before, and I know I never will again. So I know exactly how you feel and what you're describing, and I too would have considered that to be 'unhinged' until it happened to me.

He was all I could think about, literally 24 hours a day - I used to even wake throughout the night and the urge to be with him (physically) was unbearable.

I'm not going to go into detail here, but it transpired that he did feel it too. We exchanged some texts,(wrong, I know) and I too would have judged and ridiculed a married person who did that, before it happened to me, but we both agreed that we couldn't act on it, as our marriages and children were more important.
We cut contact and luckily we no longer are in a position where we have to see one another - although I'll admit I still look at his social media occasionally, and think about him every day.

So, it happens and it doesn't make you a bad person or mean that there's anything wrong with you.

You can't act on it though. Just think of your child, even if it means thinking of her as a teenager or an adult trying to deal with what her mum did.

I don't see what telling your husband will achieve really

Any update OP? I was wondering if you had managed to talk to anyone?

How would you feel if your DH said that he had a crush on a male teacher at school, that he hadn't acted on it but wanted your advice?

Thanks again for the responses and advice. Tried to keep myself busy to shut the feelings out today, but it's impossible most of the time. I know it's wrong, I know my dh would be devastated, I know it would be hard on my children... But does this honestly mean I just have to ignore how I feel? I do love my dh, and I really don't think there are issues in our marriage which have caused this. It just seems like my completely straight mind has been switched for someone else's. I can't describe it really, I never thought something like this would happen to me. I don't expect anyone to understand unless they've gone through this themselves, as I said less than 2 years ago I'd have thought anyone posting this was ridiculous and needed to get a grip. I can't explain how overwhelming the feelings I have for her are. I posted to see if anyone who's been through this could give me some advice, and feel I've been judged quite harshly (maybe I shouldn't have posted on AIBU). On paper my life is perfect really, and I can't think of anything that specifically makes me unhappy in my marriage/life, it's not that, it's the fact I don't think there is place for these feelings in a happy relationship, so I need to find out why I feel like this, and what I can do about it. I'm not thinking I'm going to run off with her and live happily ever after, I know that's crazy. I do genuinely think she has feelings for me too though, there have been too many little things that she's said/done for me to be imagining it. But that's besides the point really, this whole thing has made me feel like something IS missing and maybe it is actually quite important to find out what exactly this is. I don't expect anyone to understand. From being 100% heterosexual, to having unexplainably intense feelings for someone of the same sex, is confusing. I've been trying to work out if I could be gay/bi, but I really don't think I am... I don't find other women sexually attractive. And it's not just the sexual attraction, it's everything about her that I can't stop thinking about.