SAHM would you expect them to do all housework/childcare?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

And am I being unreasonable in not doing so?
This is from a comment from someone today and I was curious if you expect a sahm or sahd to do all or the vast majority of the housework and childcare. Obviously the stay at home parent would do all childcare while the other parent worked but once they were home it would be spilt, wouldn't it? Same with housework.

Basically SAHPs are just people doing a role with an undefined job description. Some will be lazy, some hardworking and some will prioritise things you wouldn't prioritise.

This is a really good description.

It's how you look at raising your kids as well.
I didn't use childcare, nurseries etc so wanted to educate them properly, socialise with play dates and whilst dh was at work it was my responsibility to look after dc.
I don't see childcare workers cleaning the house whilst in charge of children.
Sure, you do a bit when you can, but no way can you clean a house by yourself and do a proper job educating and socialising your children.
Working parents have somebody to do the child rearing and socialisation etc whilst they are at work. They aren't putting a load on whilst in the office

@Passthecherrycoke
Eg I can’t even begin to understand why the poster above can’t put on a load of washing unless their toddler is napping (I am a WOHP and do all the washing at weekends when the children are there) but for whatever reason, she feels she can’t. Never shall the 2 personalities meet tbh
Or it could just be that your situations are different..

Age, temperament, number of toddlers would obviously have an impact as would layout of house and where laundry facilities are located. So many variables. I also find that WOHPs can sometimes underestimate how difficult it can be to do household chores without another adult in the house to help supervise the kids because they are used to doing things at weekends or evenings when both parents are around. Obviously not always the case, but definitely something a few WOHPs I know have been guilty of. It's not always easy to nip outside or whatever to do a chore when you have very young children that can't be left alone.

I think the split depends on whether or not the two people involved are happy.

What works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another.

I have been a SAHM for 14 years. Some of it has been incredibly hard (poorly baby) some of it incredibly easy (like now.) I also have a medical condition that means I have chronic fatigue. Most of it is managed but if not then Dh, or either son, 16 & 13, will take over.

I have always aimed to do all the housework in school hours, and cooked all weekday meals. Dh loves cooking so he tends to cook on the weekend. He also loves spending time with the children and used to come home, take the baby off me, make me a cup of tea and leave me alone for 30 minutes.

The way I see it, when the working parent comes home then it is an all hands on deck situation.

Even now, with a 16 and 13 year old, after dinner everyone pitches in clearing the table, packing the dishwasher, hand washing anything that doesn't go in the dishwasher, wiping down the table and all the kitchen. We are all in the kitchen together, even if only 1 person is still working in it. We are a team. We talk, sing, have a laugh. As they say many hands make light work.

I also find that WOHPs can sometimes underestimate how difficult it can be to do household chores without another adult in the house to help supervise the kids because they are used to doing things at weekends or evenings when both parents are around

👏🏻

I can't even piss in peace let alone hoover the landing!

There are so many variables it's an impossible question.

Some working people come home at 4pm. Others at 8pm. Back in the good old days fil - a telephone engineer - would rush round all his jobs and be home every day by lunchtime (nowadays they're tracked and get assigned more jobs). So fil was able to do a whole lot more than dh, who leaves the house at 5.30am and gets home at 7.30pm.

And, of course, there are the militant "I'm a mother, not a housewife" brigade who are, actually, pretty lazy (not to mention unkind) if they can't sling on a load of washing or make some kind of dinner. Or the mega child-focused group who won't give their dcs a second's peace, insisting on a constant round of activities and attention .

I'm sure that most SAHMs yo-yo between some manic cleaning, a few cordon bleu dinner efforts once in a while and enthusiastic child rearing and then days slumped in front of Holly and Phil or several hours clicking on Mumsnet threads.

When h takes them to football on a Saturday. That’s about it. Oh and asks if I need anything from the shop. That’s about it. I wish he would help with decisions sometimes.

I wouldn't expect a SAHM to do all of the childcare and all of the housework.

I think every adult has a responsibility to take care of themselves, their home and their child. End of story.

I work full-time now and I still have to manage my own housework and laundry etc. If I had a child and my partner was the one to stay home, I don't see why he should suddenly be responsible for taking care of all my life admin as well.

I think whoever is at home during the day should do the bulk of the housework, food prep etc simply because you can fit it around caring for a child. Things like putting laundry on or the dishwasher, making a salad, wiping down the kitchen, dusting, ordering an online shop etc don't take long. Children don't need constant attention.

OeStep

Gosh, mine deserved more than being fit around housework.
I did a proper job, it was my responsibility, as didn't outsource the care to a nursery.
I'd be complaining if I did and their Key worker was leaving them to clean the nursery and do the laundry, prep their dh tea etc.

Basically SAHPs are just people doing a role with an undefined job description. Some will be lazy, some hardworking and some will prioritise things you wouldn't prioritise.

Yet, if you employed an au pair, it would be expected for her to do all the child care, cook the meals, sort out all the kids stuff, do all the school runs, all on a pittance. So Im afraid the idea that the 'SAHP' mearly stares at children and doesnt lift a finger is bone idleness.

I think it totally depends on the circumstances.

When I was a SAHP the first time I did the bulk of the housework and food prep etc because I had 4 bigger kids off to school and a baby/toddler who slept like a dream, who napped in the day and who (when bigger) enjoyed playing with toys by herself. However, in the evenings and at weekends it was 50/50 with kids and housework.

I'm now SAHP with 5 off to uni/school/nursery and have a toddler with significant health issues who has endless appointments and is in need of almost constant care and attention.

First time round I did everything. Currently DH works full time and does more than his share at home, plus the teens take on more than I'd like too, but the situation is as it is. I had more free time and energy as a single parent to 6-month-old twins than I do now

So every circumstance is individual to the family and their needs.

@IsYourGoogleBroken
Yet, if you employed an au pair, it would be expected for her to do all the child care, cook the meals, sort out all the kids stuff, do all the school runs, all on a pittance. So Im afraid the idea that the 'SAHP' mearly stares at children and doesnt lift a finger is bone idleness
There is so much wrong with this post that I don't really know where to start.

The whole issue of au pairs is notoriously controversial and open to exploitation of the kind you suggest in your post. Au pairs are widely viewed to be inappropriate for babies/preschoolers and are mostly used for wraparound care for older children. They are usually young, inexperienced, untrained and are predominantly here to learn english. I'm not sure many SAHPs would look kindly on being compared to au pairs.

I think it's worth asking yourself if the fact that some au pairs are exploited in this way you describe in your post mean that nannies that do a similar role on paper but charge a lot more are bone idle too or rip off merchants?

Also why would you think that SAHPs that don't do housework during the working day "stare" at their children and are bone idle. Do you really have so little imagination that you can't imagine the enriching and important things that a SAHP could do with their time that would actively enhance their children's lives? Excursions, educational activities, cultural trips etc the list is literally endless. You may think not inconveniencing the working partner with housework is more important, but people prioritise things differently. Surely there is a way of stating that you have different priorities without insulting others though?

IsYourGoogleBroken

I wouldn't have had an au pair if it meant they were a housekeeper too.
Full time care was what we wanted for our children.
Somebody being paid a pittance is not going to do a good as job as a parent.
If people want to use childcare it's up to them, but it was never a consideration for us.
we believed that we made them so should raise them.

A change is as good as a rest

Of course they shouldn't. The partner should do their share when they are home. Being a SAHM is not an easy option it's relentless looking after small children and they don't get lunch breaks like people at work. It always annoys me when people say SAHMs don't work because they do, they just don't get paid for it

bibidy your post made me laugh. On the school run this morning I had to ring the doctors and book an appointment for h and then let him know. On the way this afternoon I was talking to dart charge re a fine which should not exist. Then text h and let him know the outcome. I wish h took charge of his life admin. That and realise the dirty socks / bed shirts don’t pick themselves up.

Gosh, mine deserved more than being fit around housework.
I did a proper job, it was my responsibility, as didn't outsource the care to a nursery.
I'd be complaining if I did and their Key worker was leaving them to clean the nursery and do the laundry, prep their dh tea etc.

This is so PA. Not to mention melodramatic. If you entrusted your child to a nursery their keyworker would certainly be leaving them to get on with other tasks such as doing laundry (they have to wash things) and other tasks including preparing meals for X amount of children and changing other children etc.

I don’t believe that there is any child that requires such constant one on one interaction that you couldn’t spend 20 minutes preparing dinner or shoving some washing on over the course of a day. Unless you had a child with special needs or something. Children need a break from constant stimulation. I am not suggesting anyone be Cinderella or constantly have a Hoover in their hand, but your post is the other extreme. There is plenty of time for daytrips, art, reading and other activities alongside a tiny amount of chores.

So many people on MN are purely black or white while in the real word everyone is a healthy shade of grey.

I wouldn’t class maternity leave as the same as being a SAHM. It’s for you to bond with the baby and RECOVER from bringing a human into the world. Mentally and physically.

Rainbow

I think it's a happy mix that's needed, well it was in our case.
We'd do housework during the day or evening, depending on what the other had done, not done.
It didn't mean leaving our kids to get on with it whilst we did housework.
If dh was working we'd do it together at night, I'd do washing at night too.
I'd rather have jobs left undone than not spend time with the dc.
You can't do it when they leave home, and the chores are still there.

SAHP isn't the same as housewife.

However, a person home with one child for 4 years could very easy learn to manage their time to get the bulk of the house work done before their partner gets home. A sahp to 2, 3 or more isn't going to have a spotless house unless they lock the kids in a shed and much will have to be done as a couple when the kids have gone to bed.

But actually you're a paid employee on maternity leave that's meant to spent with the baby. So it's not really relevant anyway.

I think it's really important you keep things 50/50 now as this is the time when a lot of women take on the wife work and for some reason their partner never goes back to 50/50 when she goes back to work So I think you're setting a really good precedent by maintaining the current situation.

*I'm a sahm so not having a pop about sahm or anything.

You need a split you're both happy with. I did most as a SAHM but if I had a day where I really couldn't be arsed, OH would come in and just crack on and not a word needs to be said. I do the same now he's a SAHD. We have a balanced relationship and tend to do something if we see it needs doing.

Depends on the situation but I'd say the stay at home parent should do what they can while the other is in work.

I'm a SAHM to school age DC. I consider it my job to run everything at home - childcare, housework, shopping, gardening, small maintenance jobs (I'm enthusiastic but not very good) etc. DH works loooong hours and is often away over night. He helps at the weekend where he can, and is a fabulous cook (much better than me) so will prepare meals when he is at home. This division of labour suits us.

SAHP isn't the same as housewife