SAHM would you expect them to do all housework/childcare?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

And am I being unreasonable in not doing so?
This is from a comment from someone today and I was curious if you expect a sahm or sahd to do all or the vast majority of the housework and childcare. Obviously the stay at home parent would do all childcare while the other parent worked but once they were home it would be spilt, wouldn't it? Same with housework.

I think that looking after a baby is more fun if you haven't been doing it all day, if that makes sense. Now DH and I both work full-time we have to have a strict alternating schedule of who gives DS his bath and puts him to bed - because we both love doing it so much, and feel that the other one (who tidies up the kitchen in this time) is getting a raw deal. When one of us was at work and the other at home, though (we did shared parental leave) it was always the one who had been out who did it. When I'd just spent 10 hours alone with DS I did not relish his bath in the way I do now, and I would rather have tidied the kitchen in peace.

When I was a SAHM I regarded that as my job. So yes I did all the child care and household tasks . My DH worked pretty long hours and provided well for us, so I didn't have a problem with the home things. Maybe I was lucky - I had really good kids and I actually liked housework so it was no problem to me.

Cross-post but full agreement, rainbow!

That sounds right to be honest. I work evenings but on my days off I always get angry if my husband does chores in the evening! I like to do them for a 'break' from the baby. Whereas he thinks he's helping me by giving me time to play with our baby that I've had all day!!!

Babies and toddlers are relentless and high energy. They need pretty much constant supervision at certain ages and if they drop naps earlier the day can be exhausting.

While not all jobs are the same, at work I can have hot drinks safely, go to the loo by myself, can eat what I want when I want (within reason), and don't have constant commentary/questions all day long. "Mummy, what's that over there?" "Which thing?" "That" "I don't know what you're pointing at" "don't be silly Mummy, you do know..."

Looking after a toddler is relentless because you have to constantly be aware- yes you can do the odd washing up whilst they eat lunch, and bung a load on whilst they nap (if they nap)- but its exhausting because you cant switch off. There is only so long most toddlers will entertain themselves.
At work, depending on what you do, your mind can generally wonder, you get a tea break (go on mn for example :) )

Some posters on here saying 'being at work is far easier than being at home looking after children', what job did you do before?! It must have been very languorous and unpressurised.

Not giving exact job title, but it involved being responsible for large amounts of money, lots of travel across the country, dealing with loads of other organisations, dealing with people who phoned us up for help because they were in really awful situations and were sometimes aggressive or (more often) upset and desperate, very demanding bosses, and constant stress from never having enough people on the team to do what we needed to do.

So no, really not languorous and unpressurised. And mat leave with my first baby was still harder. When work was stressful, it was the kind of stressful environment where I knew what I was doing and was good at it. It wasn't the same as pacing the house for hour after hour with an unhappy baby I couldn't put down when badly sleep-deprived, feeling like I was failing as a mother already. I didn't get PND but I can see now why a lot of people do and it's not because they're having such a laid-back fun time all day!

Maternity leave with DC2 was much easier, very different baby.

I worked as a legal secretary and then in the civil service before I had mine. Both roles were far easier.

If they are such hard work that means that the working parent goes WORK IN JOB - WORK LOOKING AFTER CHILD- BED and SAHP goes WORK LOOKING AFTER CHILD- RELAX- BED

You can relax to some extent at work and on the commute. You can read on the train, get adult conversation in the office etc.

This is one of those things where it really depends on the couple - they need to figure out a system that works best for their family. For some that will mean sharing the house work outside of the working partner's work hours, and for others it will mean the SAHP doing absolutely everything at home. Some may even get a nanny or a cleaner to help too.

There is no one size fits all. Just do what work best for your own family and don't worry about what everyone else is doing or what they think of you.

Two principles I have regarding housework:

1. Drop your standards before droppng your sanity.
2. No matter what your main resonsibility is (both earning, one earning, one SAHP), each of you can do a 15m blitz a day. I find that literally 15m a day done as fast as possible will do a LOT for a household.

In 15m I can wipe all the surfaces, take all stray items to the correct place, take out the recycling, lay out what I need for the next day and stick a load on the washing. A different set of jobs each day of the week. When my husband does the same - literally as fast as you can go - the house looks pretty good, we stay on top, no one feels like they're underappreciated, and it's actually weirdly fun to see how much you can blast through.

You can relax to some extent at work and on the commute. You can read on the train, get adult conversation in the office etc.

You know that not everyone has an relaxing office job with a train commute to do some reading???

Of course rainbow. It was an example. Work isn't on the whole as relentless as Sahp.

I feel being home with Ds is easier than work, I miss work though. In my case it's not really about being able to do more house work it's that I don't feel that's what being a sahm is about.
I just think it would be about doing things with the child and obviously that would involve making lunch and tidying and cleaning up around them. That's what I currently do but giving things a good clean, we share that out. So last weekend I did the bedrooms but moving stuff, cleaning on top of wardrobes, Dp had taken Ds swimming. Then when I was out with my mum and Ds, Dp had done downstairs in a similar fashion.

I'm not planning on staying home anyway, so it won't be a issue for us and we're both happy with how we split things. It was more a case of what's expected if one parent stays home.

Now I’m a SAHM and not going back to work quite yet, I consider my hours to be 7-7, anything around that we split. We both get a lie in at the weekend but I take it easy on him and often give him some space and take dd out for the afternoon too. He does laundry, ironing & cleaning at the weekend. I do laundry & cleaning daily during the week. When she’s at nursery I get admin done but he does the mental load of comparing insurance/renewing things/organising repairs & mots. I do all the cooking, shopping and most of the bedtimes during the week. He goes out once a week with friends & I have friends to stay often & go out when I can be arsed which is not often. I stay at my mums probably once a fortnight for a rest & a catch up. He has a season ticket to the football. It’s working at the moment but we will see as he can honestly be a complete arse. But then I’m sure he’d say the same about me.

When babies and toddlers I think the time should be spent with the children.
Nap when they do and fit in housework if you can.
Once they get to school age then I think the sahp should do the majority.
When the spouse is at home though they should do their fair share and free time should be the same for both.

I am a parent to two small children, and have been a SAHM for a year and a bit. I currently work late evenings. My partner works full time during the day. I still do everything although I’m not sure that’s fair. If I haven’t washed up before I go to work, it will be waiting for me when I get home. I rush around constantly like bloody Wonder Woman, and am trying to get DP to take on more of the housework. I carry all the mental load too apart from bills (but he needs a lot of nudging in regards to who needs phoning to sort stuff out). Sorry this has turned into a rant 😂. I think school age children and it would be fine for me to do everything, but whilst they’re little and at home 24/7 with me, it’s much harder to fit in the housework on top of the childcare and cooking etc, plus going to work after they’re in bed!

Newmum I can't say for other SAHPs but when I had my second baby I had 2 under 2, so when dd was 3 months ds was 22 months. It was very hard. I had no childcare or support other than dp so if he didn't take up some of the slack when he got home it would have gone, me- 24 HOUR CHILDCARE, NO RELAXING EVER! Dd was a bit of a nightmare when it came to napping , I used the sling and did my best, but by 6 she would often be screaming and over tired, by 7 she just wanted to be on me and feed. If dp didn't make tea and clean up afterwards then we would have lived on toast or she would have been left to cry. Dp has a pretty full on, high stress job but his commute is mostly enjoyable for him (he walks instead of bus because he prefers it)and, well, he didn'texpect to do nothing when we had dc.

Obviously as pp say it depends on circumstances. Now ds is at school and dd does 10 hours a week at pre school being a SAHM is an absolute doddle for me, I do everything at home but dp still does 50% of the childcare at home because he wants to.

I'll never understand why people put taking care of kids in the same bracket as mopping the floor in these discussions.

Mopping the floor is annoying; it has to get done but as long as somebody does it, it doesn't matter who, and if you can both get out of it by outsourcing it, yay. Nor does the floor care who mops it. But don't children deserve a relationship with both parents, if possible? And shouldn't both parents care that they build a relationship with their child, which when the child is small means caring for them? What kind of working parent actually wants the SAHP to do all the childcare and doesn't give a shit that their child is a stranger to them, and vice versa?

I think treating the issue of "who looks after the kids" like it's just a domestic chore to divvy up is wrong. Both parents should get leisure time, yes, but both parents should also have a role in both doing the boring stuff of childcare and having fun with the kids, because that's what is best for the kids.

What kind of working parent actually wants the SAHP to do all the childcare and doesn't give a shit that their child is a stranger to them, and vice versa?

I don't get this either. My partner likes his job but always says he wishes he could spend more time with the kids and loves it if they aren't in bed when he comes home.

How are you 'doing things with your child' when you're watching Netflix or reading?

"and sahming is very, very easy"

That does depend upon the child.

@NewMum19344567
*Why is it that SAHP says that the child is such hard work all day that they need a break and partner should have them when they get home?

If they are such hard work that means that the working parent goes WORK IN JOB - WORK LOOKING AFTER CHILD- BED and SAHP goes WORK LOOKING AFTER CHILD- RELAX- BED*
I am a SAHM and will try to answer your question. Essentially being at work usually brings a different kind of pressure and stress than looking after small children or a baby. If you have spent the previous 10 hours dealing with a screaming baby or tantrumming toddler it is perhaps unsuprising that by the end of the day you need to have some time away from that. When my DH has looked after the children for a sustained period of time he too needs some breathing space and rest bite. Other children are easier and less demanding and perhaps other parents have higher tolerance levels.

In my experience too the SAHP usually hands over childcare duties but will then start on some other activity e.g. making dinner whilst the WOHP does bath and bedtime.

I think many of the attitudes expressed on this thread are based on the fundamental idea that SAHPs are intrinsically lazy and work less hard than their WOHPs counterparts. I think actually the reality of the situation is that a SAHP doesn't have a job description so technically the role is what you make of it. You can choose to focus your efforts on your children through taking them to enriching activities, teaching them things, playing with them etc but through doing this you may well be left with less time to devote to household tasks and find that you actually create a lot of mess along the way. Equally you can be a domestic goddess and have a house that's totally clean and tidy, but this will detract from the time you spend with your children. There are only so many hours in the day and if your children aren't at school, don't nap and have a challenging temperament then getting anything done can be really hard. Basically SAHPs are just people doing a role with an undefined job description. Some will be lazy, some hardworking and some will prioritise things you wouldn't prioritise.

The thing people forget in this debate is that everyone has different coping levels and different levels of stress they can deal with.

Eg I can’t even begin to understand why the poster above can’t put on a load of washing unless their toddler is napping (I am a WOHP and do all the washing at weekends when the children are there) but for whatever reason, she feels she can’t. Never shall the 2 personalities meet tbh.

It also depends on the job. Sitting in an office talking on s phone is one thing, working in a warehouse doing heavy lifting or out in all weathers grafting all day is another.
I had two under two and a half.
I loved it and did most child care and housework as shifts meant, despite working 48hrs a week I was home 4 days out of 8. I adored being with them and would come off a night shift and get them from the nursery even though they were paid for all day, just to be with them.
My wife worked 36 hrs a week Monday to Friday.
I would have given anything to be a sahd but we couldn't afford it.
Loads of women I know would have given their right arm to at least have the option to be a sahm.
It's one thing when you happily choose not to but another when you can't, even if you felt inclined.