SAHM would you expect them to do all housework/childcare?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

And am I being unreasonable in not doing so?
This is from a comment from someone today and I was curious if you expect a sahm or sahd to do all or the vast majority of the housework and childcare. Obviously the stay at home parent would do all childcare while the other parent worked but once they were home it would be spilt, wouldn't it? Same with housework.

I had written out a big list of what I do vs dH and deleted it. Because who does what is only relevant in our house. So long as it works for you two, it’s nothing to do with anyone else.

I’ve been a SAHM for 7 years. What I do and the amount I do now is different to what I did 7 years ago, it evolves and we discuss it as and when we need to.

Yes I think they should do the majority of it. When I was a sahm I did all the cleaning/washing etc during the day. This freed up all our weekends and evenings for family and couple time. My husband would do most of the baths/story/bedtime routine for the children when he came home from work while I sorted dinner for the two of us. Weekends we were free to do what we wanted as cleaning and washing all done in week. Worked great and a very neat division of labour.

Totally depends. If you have 2 under 3 at home it would be hard to do much. But if one child at home or if older kids at school/nursery you should have time to do things. If a DC naps I would probably relax for half and do chores for half. I'd probably also try to incorporate jobs while they're awake to an extent, to free up more time in the evening. I would also expect to be in charge of shopping etc.

Anything that's left I would expect to be 50/50. You should also get as much leisure time as them, to go out in the evening or go to the gym on a saturday etc.

Now we both work full time, the children are all in school, we have to spend evenings and weekends doing chores, it's shit, no even nearly as much leisure time for us.

I don't think there's any right or wrong answer, and every situation is different.

But in my relationship, I'd expect the SAHP to do all childcare while other parent was at work, then 50/50 when other parent is at home. I'd also expect them to do more of the housework but not all of it. Cooking/weekend leisure etc would be 50/50.

I wouldn't consider maternity leave to be a SAHM though, that's more when you give up work.

If you have 2 under 3 at home it would be hard to do much

I had three under three, it wasn't hard at all to get all the housework done. That included taking them to playgroups twice a week and coffee mornings/playdates with other parents most days.

Kendodd and others saying well I did.....

Not all children are the same, just like some work mums have easier jobs and some have harder more intensive jobs. Some said children nap and some are difficult.

My second child for instance didn't sleep for 3 years and cried for the first 18 months of her life. My autistic first daughter when aged under 2 was a walk on the park in comparison.
Now dd2 aged 9 is easy but dd1 aged 2 through 16 was a nightmare.

These discussions are always pointless as everyone children, ages, husbands or wife's working hours etc are different.

The SAHP should do the vast majority! Being out at work all day is far more taxing on the brain and the body than the privilege of being at home, not having to commute, go to meetings, deal with bosses and deadlines, bureaucracy, rules and regs and office politics! Some posters on here saying 'being at work is far easier than being at home looking after children', what job did you do before?! It must have been very languorous and unpressurised. My job is very challenging and stressful, I'm always 'on'; being at home and looking after children is infinitely easier than working!

We have three children - two preschoolers and a 7 year old - and I home educate. I do the majority of the housework, laundry and cooking. DH does almost all bath and bedtimes as his time with the children and is in charge on a Saturday. We share Sundays equally (more or less).

It's not unreasonable for housework to be shared 50/50 when you have a baby, but I always preferred to do as much housework as possible when I had just the one child at home so that our weekends were nice family time. It becomes harder to do that when you've got a toddler and a baby.

If you are trying to get similar amounts of leisure time I would not include watching Netflix while you are feeding as leisure time. You are feeding the baby not watching TV. I would also say if you are on duty during nap time but manage to do something for you that should be only be half leisure time as you can't actually leave the house so your options are only home based ones.

There are some other activities which might seem like fun, meeting friends with kids for playdates, but they should still not be counted in your leisure time.

When you have a young baby then I think most chores should be 50 : 50. Once kids are at school then you would be picking up more of the slack.

I was a SAHM for many years.Enjoyed it immensely although hard work at times .Husband would hoover ,wash up etc ,do garden and play with children .In return I would have a meal ready each evening ,and do all the washing etc .Depends on circumstances but being a SAHP isnt a walk the park ! unless you have hired help of course!

Personally I would expect the SAHP to do more around the house,purely because they are the one who spend more time in it so are timewise and physically more able to do so.Saying that if you intend to go back to work you don't want to spoil your partner too much If you and your partner are both happy with the division of housework and childcare that's all that matters really.

Sahp should be doing 99% of the housework I think it’s included in the job description. Childcare should he split when both parents are around and both parents should get equal amounts of leisure time

i think it is also about feeling supported and both agreeing or being content as you can be in your roles.not feelong like he does bugger all and is waited on and him not feeling overwhelmed with having to do it all.you need to have eacohters backs.
and know that sometimes the balance will outweigh during times of stress or jobs or circumstnace but ultimately youll come backtogerh.

If your DC are at school and you're a SAHM, I think it's only fair that you do 90% of housework. If your DC are younger, then I think it's negotiable - it depends on how needy the DC is/are!

I think a balance can be found quite easily after those first really intense months. But I might be looking back with rose-tinted glasses on now, as my kids are both at school and I've always worked from home.

I think it makes sense for the SAH parent to do the home-based chores (laundry, hoovering, changing sheets, meal prep, etc) but the WOH parent should share the childcare, shopping, and home maintenance.

I’m not a sahp but I have been home through 2 mat leaves and then 2 periods of pt work building up to ft. Childcare and most of housework here is done by whoever is home (my dh has done some time at home while I phased back to work). But caring for children and housework is shared whenever we’re both home (evenings and weekends). No one gets to sit around while the other does everything, though usually whoever has missed more time with the dc gets to spend time with them when we’re home and the other sorts the house out.

You are extremely lucky and, to be honest, lazy! I feel for your poor husband! If you have time for all those outings as well as reading, watching tv and baking you have time to do the majority of the house work! Your husband does lo’s breakfast, bath and bed as well as more than his fair amount of tasks both before and after work!
To be fair you should be doing far more housework than you are!!

I would say, that weekends tasks should be split. Unless you have young baby, then should be split once partner is home.

When DC were little I made it clear I was a SAH Mum, not SAH Housekeeper. DH was expected to (and did) a fair amount at weekends and holidays.

It’s different now they are adults. All of them live at home and pay towards housekeeping and I probably now do 85/90% of the work (with the help of a cleaner). I see it as my job. However at weekends and holidays I expect everyone else to chip in. I don’t want to be at work 24/7/365!

They are all in for a shock soon. I am off on some solo holidays and will be away about 15 weeks over the next 6 months. Let’s see what happens then!!

Tbf @Playmytune. Dp wants to do breakfast (this is a new thing as Ds just started having breakfast and it's after I've breast fed him first thing) and bath time. I obviously do it if he's going to work early or he's late back or gone to the gym or something. Sometimes he has a bath with Ds so I'm in the bathroom too and I'll take Ds out to dry him while he gets sorted. Dp doesn't see those things as jobs though.

I generally think being a sahp is about the child though and they would be the focus. Yes things would be done in the house in regards to general tidying up, doing the washing etc and I do those bits, all Ds's washing and putting his clothes away and like I say the house is never messy or dirty. I'm looking around now and I can't actually see anything to do!

I'm not a sahm though I'm on mat leave and will be returning to work. And we're not married, yet.

I had a friend whose baby was a nightmare and never slept. NEVER. DD was very clingy and didn’t want to be put down. I think expecting her to do any real housework/errands would have been very unreasonable!

However, I have another friends whose DD slept ALL of the time (she even took her to the GP about it!) and when she was awake she was very happy to sit in a bouncer/play on a mat. But this friend STILL did very little housework/errands on the principle that she had a small baby! 🤔 Which I must admit came across as very lazy!

Depends on the child(ren) and depends on the job/ hours of the working parent. It’s impossible to say a general rule. I agree that maternity leave, especially at the beginning where you are recovering from birth etc is totally different from being a SAHM.

I am currently on maternity leave with a baby and a toddler, some days I get nothing done other days I can get a fair amount of housework done so there is no hard and fast rule in our house. I would feel like I was taking the piss if I watched Netflix for hours during the day and got DH to do housework and childcare when he got home so I could have more of a break. One of us doing childcare while the other is free to do chores is fair though.

Once a child hits a year old the SAHP role definitely changes and they should be able to do most the housework. I have a 15 month old and work evenings but during the day I have plenty of time to do all housework whereas all the SAHP (both mums and a dad) in the baby groups I go to say they have no time whatsoever and can't do anything? I honestly don't know what they mean or what they spend their time doing! I don't have a perfect child by any means and he is sometimes in a carrier so I can get stuff done when he insists on cuddles but that's life!

I don't want to start a argument and hopefully won't offend anyone but am always too scared to ask people in real life so I will ask strangers here (worse case you all shout at me and I can log off).

Why is it that SAHP says that the child is such hard work all day that they need a break and partner should have them when they get home?

If they are such hard work that means that the working parent goes WORK IN JOB - WORK LOOKING AFTER CHILD- BED and SAHP goes WORK LOOKING AFTER CHILD- RELAX- BED

I've had multiple SAHM say that they need a break and their husbands should like looking after their child? It seems such double standards but I'm always too scared of hurting feeling to call them out on what they say!

The thing about children that’s hard work IMO can be the relentless monotony of it all. So going from work to childcare is fine as you haven’t been doing it all day. I never minded coming in from work and taking the DC until bedtime. Same for DH when was working and came home. Although when I was at home with them by the time DH came home I definitely needed the break. We have both stayed at home so are very understanding of the difficulties of each position.