SAHM would you expect them to do all housework/childcare?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

And am I being unreasonable in not doing so?
This is from a comment from someone today and I was curious if you expect a sahm or sahd to do all or the vast majority of the housework and childcare. Obviously the stay at home parent would do all childcare while the other parent worked but once they were home it would be spilt, wouldn't it? Same with housework.

I'm a SAHM. We split childcare and housework when my husband is off... well it works out more that he does childcare a bit more and I do slightly more housework than him. Tbh I'm so drained from the children as he does 13 hour days when he works, that I do need him to just entertain them so I get some space. When he works I get up with them, go through the day with them and put them to bed.. (both preschool age) so it's incredibly draining.
I do not see why he should have entire days off and yet I'm working 24/7... we split the days off so that we are both working a bit less.

and maybe selfishly as a bit of time for me too. I've been baking more, reading and I've watched a fair few Netflix series's.

Does your DP get time for himself during 'working hours'? I very much doubt it, so in my opinion you should pick up more of the slack until you have covered an equivalent number of hours actual work

I think the “equal leisure time” rule works pretty well.

I wouldn’t make any assumptions about how much time people have based on who is “at home” though. I had a bloody difficult baby and often barely got time to wee during the day. DH had far more time to himself in those days.

However it sounds like you probably are getting more leisure time than him if you’re having time to bake! Does he get some time to himself at weekends to equal things out?

God, I have much more time to relax at work (and dick around on MN) than I ever did at home with a baby. Being a SAHM isn't eating bonbons and watching day time TV.

Are both partners pulling their weight and does everyone feel like their contribution is valued?

He does sometimes @scratchyfluffface. He always gets and takes his breaks, and he'll sometimes be quite or waiting for something to come through so will be sat not doing much. I know because that's when I'll get bombarded with texts because he's bored or he'll be liking and commenting on my Instagram posts from weeks ago. He can drive a fair bit for work sometimes but he likes driving. He likes his job in general and doesn't really get stressed with it, even if he's really busy, working over etc.
He gets time at the weekend and he goes out (drinking out) more than me. Probably every other weekend at the moment maybe less. We try a date night every other weekend too.
He's not a massive tv watcher, he prefers films if he's watching something. And he likes listening to music, which is why he's never minded doing the ironing and why he likes driving so much.

I think I probably do more than I think but it's just as I'm going along. So cleaned the bathroom after my shower this morning.
I'm making sure I make the most of the time I do have, this second one is due when Ds is 13 months so doubt I'll get much 'me' time then anyway 😂.

I still think once he's home it should be split though. If he lived alone he'd be doing all his own washing, cooking and cleaning.

Outside work hours it should be split. I am a stay at home mother and my partner does just as much parenting when he's not at work as I do. I do most of the housework but he still changes the bins and runs round with the Hoover and washes up.

Dp doesn't think he does too much though, which is the most important thing.
It was comments from someone else and I wondered if the general expectation was that a parent at home would do it all or at least most.

House work and childcare is 24/7

yawn!!!

It's not (unless you have e.g.a child with additional needs that needs round the clock care).
The Sahp sleeps at some point, so do the DC. You DC sleep usually during the day, play or just sit for a while in front of a screen.

I have done both - sahm with a child with complex needs and working. and sahm wasn't even 24/7 in my case.

Of course I took care of everything at home whilst my then DH was out of the house 12 hours. 12 hours is more than enough to keep the house in nick, run washing machine a few times a week and sort some dinner. For me, the whole point of the sahm set up is this division of labour. and sahming is very, very easy - at least compared to having a job where you need to perform at all times.

I’d expect SAHP to do the household stuff (cleaning admin etc) and the childcare during the day, with childcare shared at weekends.

SAHP isn’t a 24/7 job- imagine if I got a second job on top of my 9-5: a 8pm-6am shift in a warehouse. Truly working 20 hours a day. Would anyone be able to do that? Course not.

I find being the “breadwinner” hugely stressful and actually massively resent it. Having to come home to a messy house and clear it up or do the weekday night wakings would tip me over the edge tbh

Major issue in my house- SAHP seems to think that housework should be split 50:50 - so if there were ten hours of housework and I was working a 50 hr week- I would do 55 hrs work SAHP 5
Adding in childcare (school age child) maybe adds another 10 hrs if I'm feeling generous.

Its all very well to say you want to play with the child etc but the housework still has to be done - so if SAHP plays with DS rather than do the housework then I get to do the house work rather than play with DS.
And my other bug bear - how come looking after the child is seen as work for the SAHP but same role is fun for WOHP

and sahming is very, very easy - at least compared to having a job where you need to perform at all times

I find working to be easier, a sahm is always on.

I think maternity leave is not the same as sahp. Maternity leave you have a baby and babies are all different but you can't leave them while you are on duty so no down time during the day is 100%. That said both my boys (not dd) were very easy newborn and we never had as clean a house / ate so well as in the first three months as I was bored. But after they woke up and needed entertaining then I did less house stuff as we were out and about. I work part time and do more housework more 'childcare" in the week but dh does more at weekends as he likes the kids and doesn't see them much in the week. I think if you are both happy it is working.

Depends. I work part time and I would love to get all the housework done on my days off. However I have an almost two year old (and a four year old) and it is simply not possible

- I would do 55 hrs work SAHP 5

The SAHP is working.

I find working to be easier, a sahm is always on.

it not really, though, isn't it?

you can park the kids on front of the TV, they play, you can sit down and have a cuppa, noone cares about the state of the house. you are not accountable to anyone.

Maybe you have an easy, non demanding job but I found being a sahm a doddle (and one of my DC has complex needs which are quite demanding). still so much easier!

They have both dropped their naps 😭 my friends two year old sleeps for like two and a half hours a day and still goes down for the night at 7pm. I could weep at the unfairness of it!

What comment was made?

Sounds like you’ve got a lovely family and both see children and the house as a shared responsibility. Don’t worry about what others think.

The norm on MN seems to be that a SAHM should do only some of the house work, if a man doesn't pull his weight then LTB as he's a lazy shit.

SAHD should do all of the house work otherwise he's a cocklodger. And LTB.

I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. I do all the housework, though I fit it around my schedule and if I want to sit and watch GoT while DS naps rather than clean the loo then I do. As long as the place is clean and relatively tidy and washing and ironing is done then I manage quite well. Once DS goes to nursery, if I'm not working, then I would structure my day more. DH does the cooking and all DIY type things though if he isn't away with work so I'm lucky in that regard.

I didn’t understand the SAHP obsession with naps really. We have to do all housework etc around children being around and just leave them to it whilst we do it. They either play or watch tv, or do it whilst they’re eating breakfast/ dinner etc.

The SAHP is working.
Parenting is not working. And even if it were, the working parent would then still be "working" when they arrived home.

you can park the kids on front of the TV, they play, you can sit down and have a cuppa, noone cares about the state of the house. you are not accountable to anyone.

I have no idea what kind of kids you have but mine certainly wouldn't tolerate that for more than a few minutes lol.

Parenting is not working

That's why there are entire jobs like childcare, housekeeping, cleaning etc right?

Mat leave is not being a SAHM. Sharing domestic work and night/early morning/weekend parenting is fine.

There are hardly any SAHDs.

SAH with tiny DC is a different kettle of fish to SAH with older DC. I know lots of SAHMs of school age DC who have plenty of time to do 90% of domestic work during the school day, which seems fair.

If you’re not married, don’t give up work!

I find working to be easier, a sahm is always on.

A working parent is "always on" too, if they are expected to share childcare and housework equally when they get home from work. And even if they're not, the expectation for many professional jobs is that they're "always on" too, so for some working parents, it's a double whammy.

Personally, I think mat leave is different, a) because looking after a newborn is particularly challenging, b) because your body is still recovering from the birth and c) because you'll need to maintain a fair split when you go to work.

Beyond mat leave, assuming no disabilities/special circumstances etc, I do think the SAHP should do most of the housework because they're home all day anyway and they have more time to do it, and also because I don't think it would be a fair split otherwise. However, I do think that childcare responsibilities should be shared equally in the evenings and at weekends, or perhaps weighted more heavily towards the WOHP, because it's important for both parents to build their relationships with the children.

Personally, I wouldn't be willing to fund my spouse to be a SAHP unless they were willing to take on the vast majority of the housework as part of that remit. If they didn't want that responsibility, I'd prefer for both of us to stay in work, pay for really good quality childcare and share the domestic load between us.