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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
MyTaxiIsAlwaysLate · 30/04/2019 17:55

Every woman can decide what enters her vagina or it is assault or do you disagree?

NotSoThinLizzy · 30/04/2019 17:56

Hopefully you'll read this but what's done is done really no point in the ins and outs. Either you can step up and be the dad this baby needs or not. Shes within her rights to get child maintenance. The baby is the one who will miss out if you dont. I think it's time to draw a line in the sand and move on from what happened the main fact is there is a baby now.

swingofthings · 30/04/2019 17:56

This is not the same
It is totally the same morally. This thread is yet another one sadly confirming that this forum is full of misandrists.

Honeydukes92 · 30/04/2019 17:56

😞 I’m honestly ashamed to be a woman, reading all of these posts vindicating women blatantly lying about contraception.

We do not live in a time, or society, where babies are an inevitable result of sex. We do not live in a world where it’s fine to lie about sex or contraception.

Apparently we (women) just want to pick and choose the elements of modern feminism which we like, and work for us.

Whilst refusing at accept any responsibility for our SHITTY behaviour. Lying isn’t ok!! We teach it to our children but can’t apply it to our own intercourse!

People who blame a man for being lied to about contraception, would no doubt push over an elderly person and blame them for walking too slowly!

Bathtime17 · 30/04/2019 17:57

Everything @HBStowe said. Listen to them, they are the voice of reason. Feel your anger, feel the betrayal and then take a look at your little boy and imagine never being in his life. Kids need their dad, regardless of how they were conceived. She is an awful person and if you don't fight for access you'll be damning that child to having one parent who sounds like a selfish liar.

If you are a good man as you say you are, you can see the reasoning behind this. I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm sure you're not the only one in this thread that's made a mistake, don't listen to those on their high horses, but realise that you were conned but you can take control of this situation in a positive way.

Nicknacky · 30/04/2019 17:58

Regardless of how the baby was created, it’s here and needs supporting. If he is the baby’s father then that’s what he has to do whether he likes it or not.

Prequelle · 30/04/2019 17:58

It's funny because women here are using the same rhetoric we here from pro-lifers.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 17:58

I’m honestly ashamed to be a woman, reading all of these posts vindicating women blatantly lying about contraception

I’d be ashamed at your lack of comprehension skills to be honest.

barberstreisand · 30/04/2019 17:59

And how did you discover that she was never on the pill? Unless those words have come from her mouth it could all be a sack of lies

MyTaxiIsAlwaysLate · 30/04/2019 17:59

I’m honestly ashamed to be a woman, reading all of these posts vindicating women blatantly lying about contraception.

Oh fuck off. You think the goady fucking OP is ashamed that 98% of sexual assault is by men?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 30/04/2019 17:59

Even if she was on the pill it isn’t 100% effective, people can and do fall pregnant on the pill.

Condoms - many kinds out there, so that not really an excuse.

You took a gamble and it didn’t go your way, if the child is yours, yes you have a legal and moral responsibility to pay child support.

As for the relationship, you can still be a parent and not be in a relationship with the child’s mother.

MyTaxiIsAlwaysLate · 30/04/2019 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jimdandy · 30/04/2019 18:02

@FinallyMrsE I agree with you.

Lying to someone to deliberately get pregnant amounts to fraud in my opinion.

She knew as a Firefighter it’s easy to attach your wages...

Loopytiles · 30/04/2019 18:02

No one is saying the woman’s actions were OK.

But what would you prefer to fathers paying their way and parenting : state benefits? DC being in poverty?

swingofthings · 30/04/2019 18:04

Apparently we (women) just want to pick and choose the elements of modern feminism which we like, and work for us

In the world of mn, men should marry their partner as soon as they decide they need a ring on their finger, agree to ttc when they decide they want a baby, agree to have the number of children she wants, go to work, earn loads of money, come home to take over looking after the children whilst cooking dinner, asking her how hard her day was and that he wished he could more to help, tell her that he too finds his, mother overbearing and agrees to only see her once a year, tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world even in her old pyjamas and dirty hair, give her tons of cuddles when she wants thrm but only wants sex once a month and give her wonderful presents for Xmas, birthday, mother's day and any time in between to remind himself how lucky he is to be married to her!

Any lesser man is to be binned 😊

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 18:04

We do not live in a time, or society, where babies are an inevitable result of sex.

Hmm
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2019 18:04

It is utterly unlike a man removing a condom

Why?

Because removing a condom during sex risks a woman's life and health. Both because of STIs and pregnancy and childbirth. Lying about being on the pill risks a man's finances (and it's shitty, don't get me wrong) but not his life.

It's the difference between stealing and attempted murder. Both crimes, very different.

I've met my fair share of men who don't like condoms. No glove, no love. It's very simple.

BurpingFrog · 30/04/2019 18:06

@Prequelle similar-sounding rhetoric, very different context.

The comments you refer to are made under the assumption that the pregnancy will progress and result in a baby being born, and that said baby will be born because the mother made the choice not to have an abortion.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 18:07

Great post MrsTerryPratchett.

RedBerryTea · 30/04/2019 18:08

You are getting a hard time on here OP, and I have a lot of sympathy for you. Yes accidents happen with all forms of contraception, but this woman told you she NEVER wanted children, so you could have expected she would have terminated any accidental pregnancy had she been telling the truth. But it is what it is, there's a child now and children are expensive. You have no choice but to pay for your child (assuming you have positive DNA test).

As for involvement with the child I'm on the fence about this. Thousands of women have children via sperm donor every year and raise them without the biological father. I've read threads where women who want babies but have failed to find a suitable partner are told to not waste time trying to find Mr. Right and use a sperm donor if they can support themselves. If what you say is true and this woman tricked you into unprotected sex in order to get pregnant, then really you were little more than a sperm donor.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 18:08

How did you discover she wasn’t on the pill OP?

ShawshanksRedemption · 30/04/2019 18:08

You admitted it was casual - how well did you know her to trust what she was saying? For all you know she could have been HIV+, have Gonorrhoea, etc. Did you know her well enough to risk your health?

You can't blame it on throes of passion etc, well, you can but then you still have to take the consequences of your actions. The only choice men have to prevent it is to not have sex, so you do need to think about it. It's part of being an adult.

The next thing I'm going to say, is that if you have sex, there is the risk of pregnancy. Every. Single. Time. Even with contraception. So even if you did wear a latex free condom, she could still have got pregnant. The only way to stop pregnancy 100% is to not have sex. EVERY person having sex needs to understand this. Once you accept this, you can then make informed decisions when you have sex, casual or not.

This of course, if she did indeed lie and trick you, does not absolve her of any responsibility. But she is the one doing the hard graft of raising a child alone, and even if you were to financially support her, you won't cover all the costs of raising a child.

Haffdonga · 30/04/2019 18:08

Nothing to do with you or what you did. Nothing to do with her or what she did.

Everything to do with a child.

You have responsibility for the creation of a human being, who didn't trick you into being conceived or lie to you.The child is not its mother and did not choose to have such feckless parents. You need to be its father.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 18:09

Right I think what this woman did is beyond wrong but this

Yes accidents happen with all forms of contraception, but this woman told you she NEVER wanted children, so you could have expected she would have terminated any accidental pregnancy had she been telling the truth

is bullshit. I thought I never wanted DC, I was adamant. Then I got pregnant and everything changed.

CyclingSquirrel · 30/04/2019 18:12

You wanted casual, unprotected sex with a woman you didn't want a relationship with? Were you not concerned, at the least, about potential STIs?

Anyway, not much you can do really. The baby exist, you have to pay up.

Wrap up tight next time!