Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
Passtherioja · 30/04/2019 18:12

If a man is wearing a condom and takes it off (or only pretends to put it on) it is now an offence because the partner on agreed to have sex under certain agreements ie protection is being worn by the man.

However, how is it not an offence to say you're on the pill and not be? I'm afraid I don't really buy many "oh shucks I'm pregnant" stories but it seems to be rather too common considering the options and information available.

If you're on the pill and had a tummy bug/been sick/got amazingly pissed then share that information with your partner, point out it affects the chances of the pill working and if he then still agrees/consents without anything other protection then he should be responsible for the baby. If however you know that you forgot your pill, have been ill etc and you don't tell your fella, and he thinks you're protected, then that's a consent issue and it's wrong.

Now this lady may have no idea how she's got pregnant despite being on the pill, but for so many of you to blame the OP for just believing what he was told is shameful.

We can't complain when men don't believe us, question, domineer, dominate yet also have a go at them for but checking her pill packet, checking she's taken it etc. If someone else posts that her boyfriend was checking she's taken her pill every day you'd be calling him every name under the sun-he'd be controlling, an abuser etc etc

Ladies, consent works both ways. The idea is that if you like someone enough to have sex with them you should be able to believe they don't lie to you and can communicate that there's been an issue that may affect their level of protection.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 18:13

Any lesser man is to be binned

Nah. In the world of MN a number of posters would settle for men who are capable of understanding that MN isn’t a hive mind, and their ridiculous hyperbole only works if they’re sure the self-same posters are posting hypocrisy.

Try it.

YouBumder · 30/04/2019 18:13

I feel for you as well OP if it happened as you say. However it is what it is and you don’t have any option but to pay up

Widowodiw · 30/04/2019 18:15

But it is what it is it’s hapoened and at the end of the day there is a child to consider. Whether you want any relationship with that child is up to you but if you have another child who you adore why wouldn’t you? Regardless surely you yourself have a moral compass (even if the mother didnt) and want to ensure that child is supported financially? If you don’t then I find it hard to believe a lot of what you said about yourself tbh.

IncrediblySadToo · 30/04/2019 18:16

You had a choice. You chose to have casual sex with a woman who refused to use condoms...why? She was a casual fuck, not a woman you were in love with, so why didn’t you walk away? There’s no shortage of casual sex out there 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re being very dim to think the law should change so that women are forced to bear the full cost of bringing up a child. It’s bad enough as it is.

Don’t forget. This child is as much yours as your existing DS. I hope you’ll be ready to explain to them why you loved and brought up your DS but not them when they turn 18 and come looking for you...

MyTaxiIsAlwaysLate · 30/04/2019 18:17

Why would anyone who wasn't suicidal have unprotected sex with a casual partner? The other person could be having unprotected sex with the whole town. I'm giving the OP enough credit to think actually no one is that stupid. And therefore it didn't happen.

MiraculousMarinette · 30/04/2019 18:17

It's a horrible situation for you OP. The woman was of course utterly in the wrong to lie to you and it is very unfair that you are now being asked for maintenance. However it happened and you would be a better man if you agreed to pay because the child didn't ask to be born.

I disagree with PPs who are standing up for the woman since SHE decided to have a child so in my eyes the child is HER responsibility. She's being grabby by seeking maintenance.

I know a woman who was tricked by her husband into getting pregnant. He told her he had a snip but he never. They split up because she couldn't take the lies but kept the child. Liers will lie regardless whether they are in a casual or solid relationship so I can't see why the OP is being given a stick for sleeping around without protection. He was lied to, end of.

OP it might be a good idea for you to get a snip if you're certain you don't want any more children.

Rystall · 30/04/2019 18:18

If not a reverse then I think the OP might be the new partner of the ‘stand up guy’.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 30/04/2019 18:18

Its a shit situation, and surely if she has a latex allergy she would have condoms she could use for these situations?!? But you won't get any logic on here I'm afraid

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 18:20

Its a shit situation, and surely if she has a latex allergy she would have condoms she could use for these situations?!? But you won't get any logic on here I'm afraid

The “logic” at that point would have been for the OP to have declined sex...

TheInvestigator · 30/04/2019 18:21

Could you sue a woman for getting pregnant by fraud/deception/misrepresentation?

If I were sleeping with a man, and we put on a condom and then he secretly pulled the condom off just before he started and I didn't realise, and I got pregnant, I would want to sue him for putting me into that situation.

oblada · 30/04/2019 18:21

1- no form of contraception is 100percent so whether or not she was on the pill is irrelevant - you took a risk. All the more so as you didn't get suitable condoms for extra protection. Given it was casual I'm very surprised you didn't want condoms.
2- child support is for the child. All the law about children is focused on the best interests of the child. And indeed so it should be. Why should an innocent child lose out?
I agree what the mum did was not right but you had sex therefore you must take responsibility for what happened as a result which is beyond the 2 of you. It is now about that child and what is best for her/him.
The only possible way out of this situation would be a change in law to say men should have a say in abortion. I can see some logic in it but it is the woman's body and no abortion is completely risk free (physically and emotionally) so that doesn't appear appropriate.
Man up.

Nicknacky · 30/04/2019 18:21

There is no way to prove the woman committed “fraud” ffs.

Biscusting · 30/04/2019 18:22

By the same logic, you could have ended up with forced HIV.

Shitty as it (the betrayal) is, there is a child and you are responsible.

ShawshanksRedemption · 30/04/2019 18:23

@RedBerryTea
If what you say is true and this woman tricked you into unprotected sex in order to get pregnant, then really you were little more than a sperm donor
Apart from the fact that this child could grow up in the knowledge that it's father had knowingly rejected it. That can be hugely damaging.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 18:23

Have you had a little totter down to the clap clinic OP? Might be an idea.

TheInvestigator · 30/04/2019 18:24

And there's that storyline in Gilmore Girl's were Suki is pregnant but doesn't know because Jackson told her he'd had the ship but he actually hadn't. It was treated as a big joke in the show but she'd been quote clear that she didn't want any more kids and ended up having another because he lied. I thought it was a pretty disgusting storyline... If I'd been that woman, I would be sueing for whatever I Could!

DoneLikeAKipper · 30/04/2019 18:24

If someone else posts that her boyfriend was checking she's taken her pill every day you'd be calling him every name under the sun-he'd be controlling, an abuser etc etc

Again another example that barely has anything to do with the op. If a woman was in a long term relationship with a man, where they both got STD checks and had made a couples’ decision only to rely on her pill, then he was checking up on her like that with no good reason - yes most would be saying he’s controlling.

That’s not what happened here though. Here, a man took the word of a stranger with no care for his own personal health or long term consequences. Would he also blame her if it transpired he caught the clap or similar? Would the sympathy still be the same or would everyone then realise that his stupidity of choosing not to wear a condom was completely on him? It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or woman, sex always has a chance of ending up in pregnancy, especially when you play a game of chance like the op did. Both people need to take their own responsibility on contraception, then the likelihood of accidental (or not) pregnancy falls to almost zero.

Slazengerbag · 30/04/2019 18:25

Op it’s awful what she did to you. I do feel there should be some protection for men in situations like this. As a pp said it is illegal for a man to remove his condom during sex as it isn’t what they indented to.

But the bottom line is there is a child with your dna who needs providing for. If you’re such the good bloke you say you are you will provide for them. It’s not the child’s fault their mother tricked you.

oblada · 30/04/2019 18:25

If you do not want children you have 3 options - no sex (that's guaranteed to work) - sex with post menopausal women (pretty safe too as long as you're sure) - have the snip (pretty safe)

ShawshanksRedemption · 30/04/2019 18:27

@passtherioja
If someone else posts that her boyfriend was checking she's taken her pill every day you'd be calling him every name under the sun-he'd be controlling, an abuser etc etc
Apart from the OP admits this was casual relationship, not boyfriend/girlfriend. Trust is something you build on, not take for granted with someone you (possibly) don't know that well.

MyTaxiIsAlwaysLate · 30/04/2019 18:28

As a pp said it is illegal for a man to remove his condom during sex as it isn’t what they indented to.

Yeah, that's because it's a sexual assault and she risks HIV. He knowingly didn't use a condom.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 30/04/2019 18:28

There is a saying: It’s not your fault but it is your responsibility.

DecomposingComposers · 30/04/2019 18:28

What this woman did was despicable and I don't blame the OP for feeling angry. He didn't consent to sex under these conditions.

That being said, there will be a child born who needs supporting (presumably this woman already has finances etc sorted ahead of her decision to get pregnant?) The OP should pay for his child now because it isn't the child's fault.

I wonder what the woman will now do to the OP if he maintains that he doesn't want a relationship with this woman? Is she going to use the child to punish him, refusing him access etc? I would really wonder what else she was capable of doing.

ThatCurlyGirl · 30/04/2019 18:28

If she told you she was on the pill and you trust her then she's done a very cruel thing and I don't understand anyone defending her (on here or in your real life).

If the sexes were the other way around the man would be VILIFIED!

Man: "I really want a baby so my partner thinks we are having sex but really I know I could get her pregnant because I've put holes in the condoms."
Mumsnet: YOU'RE A MASSIVE CUNT

I'm sorry OP what a stressful situation to be put in.

If you are telling the story accurately, I genuinely feel sorry for you and think she has done something cruel to you.

Reminds me of a different story which reminds me why a feminist like myself wants both sexes to be equal - including owning the consequences of their actions equally.

One of the nicest guys I know became a dad at 18 - dropped out of uni immediately to provide for the baby (him and the mum weren't a couple any more), worked ten years grafting as a labourer instead of finishing his dream of becoming an engineer. He had worked so hard. Last year (so over a decade later) she told him the truth. It wasn't his baby his baby. What a fucking headlock.

Luckily he loves the little one and he said to us of course I'm still her dad and was incensed anyone would think he felt differently.

But like I say if we want equality we have to accept some men are cunts, but so are some women.