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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
NeatFreakMama · 30/04/2019 17:45

why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into

You shouldn’t but nor should your kid be held responsible for the fact that it’s mum is a bit of a nightmare. It’s a crap situation but you can’t change it now. You do want to be right or happy? You’re right it’s not fair but are you going to be happy if you leave this kid without a dad and he/she has to grow up without you.

MyTaxiIsAlwaysLate · 30/04/2019 17:46

And btw how would the goady fucker OP actually know she wasn't on the pill? he "found out" from who? Who would actually 100% know either way. She supposedly wants a relationship so she didn't say anything did she?

FlibbertyGiblets · 30/04/2019 17:46

Social shame? Shock

BeefTomato · 30/04/2019 17:46

No, lying about contraception is terrible behaviour. Nobody is saying otherwise.

But it's a completely different thing to a man removing a condom. That risks serious bodily harm to the woman.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 17:47

Who would dare write to that poster that she needs to accept the situation because she was an idiot to trust the guy and that it is tough that she'll have to pay for the child for the next 18 years

I’d tell her she was daft to believe him and not use a condom.

That isn’t relevant though. What is relevant is that child maintenance isn’t a punishment or reward. It’s to pay for the child.

The mother will be paying, the father pays too. It isn’t rocket science.

LaurieMarlow · 30/04/2019 17:47

A bit of social shame wouldn’t go a miss either

Yes, can we please start with the many, many child maintenance dodgers out there, many of whom don’t pay a penny for children they said they wanted.

Stressedout10 · 30/04/2019 17:47

@FP22 hope you have your hard hat on, bad place to post this.
If what you say is true yes you we very naive/stupid to trust/believe her. However she behaved disgracefully by lying and tricking you.
Unfortunately for this child they have 1 deceitful manipulative parent and 1 who is at best apathetic.
I would advise you to get a DNA test 1st then look at your ds and ask yourself how you'll explain to him why you did everything for him but the bare minimum/nothing for their half sibling (it will eventually come out). If you are a decent person that is not a conversation you will ever want to have. That means you have to make peace with what she did and be a positive role model for both of your children. Your youngest child needs atleast one decent parent and it looks like you're there only hope.

Loopytiles · 30/04/2019 17:48

Of course fathers who didn’t wish to have the DC must be responsible financially for their DC.

OP’s happiness isn’t of primary importance here: his DC’s wellbeing and relationship with their father is far more important.

Prequelle · 30/04/2019 17:48

Hold on, don't we go on about how disgusting it is when men pretend they're wearing condoms but then don't? And that in some places this is considered rape? Are they called stupid as well for not noticing the fact there's no condom? Or is that just men who are ticked by women?

Melroses · 30/04/2019 17:49

Maybe you should try lobbying for better male contraception.

Most methods fall fowl of the balance of risks - it is always a bigger risk to health than not using contraception which is the opposite to female methods of contraception.

Maybe affording the resulting children should be taken into account when developing male contraceptives? Anyway, it is a man problem. No one is going to take any notice unless men say it is what they want.

If you don't want babies, don't rely on other people to sort that for you.

Honeydukes92 · 30/04/2019 17:49

@Mytaxi

Yes, and he has 18 years of child support and the emotional baggage of a child he now shares with somebody who lied to him - intentionally.

I’m not sure how exactly having a vagina makes it acceptable to lie about contraception? It’s not ok.

Annasgirl · 30/04/2019 17:50

Ok I'll bite - @swingofthings

This is not the same - the woman would have to carry her child through 9 months of pregnancy with all of the risk that entailed. Then she would have to pursue this person through the court. Finally, she would be 100% responsible for either raising that child or have SS involved with her to arrange a foster care or adoption scenario.

And in case you really are slow and not just a troll, read the relationships board, this happens very very often to women in the UK.

DoneLikeAKipper · 30/04/2019 17:50

Who would dare write to that poster that she needs to accept the situation because she was an idiot to trust the guy and that it is tough that she'll have to pay for the child for the next 18 years.

Most people, I’d imagine. That woman would have been a total idiot to trust a stranger that he was infertile and not take personal responsibility if she didn’t want to get pregnant. Anyone who puts 100% of the responsibility of not becoming a parent on their partner deserves the consequences of their actions. Unfortunately, there’s an innocent child involved that doesn’t deserve a liar and an idiot respectively for parents.

Honeydukes92 · 30/04/2019 17:51
  • social shame for lying about contraception.
DeftandGlory · 30/04/2019 17:51

Women are always responsible merely by the fact they will have the responsibility of pregnancy. Abortion or carrying to term and then everything that comes with the choice.

The responsibility for men is making a choice before they have sex. Desciding on the risk of getting someone pregnant and what might result from their actions.
I bet if no maintenance was expected the amount of pregnancies would skyrocket. Because their would be no risk to them.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 17:51

A bit of social shame wouldn’t go a miss either

Oh aye and why not cart women off the work house too?

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 30/04/2019 17:51

A bit of social shame wouldn’t go a miss either

I agree. Time men learnt that if they don't want kids, either don't have sex or use a condom. Contraception is both partners responsibility.

swingofthings · 30/04/2019 17:52

I’d tell her she was daft to believe him and not use a condom
Msybe but the vast majority would write how sorry they feel for her and how unfair it is and you'd most likely be told that although correct, the poster had posted for sympathy and support not a lecture.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 17:52

I’m not sure how exactly having a vagina makes it acceptable to lie about contraception? It’s not ok

Please indicate the posts that have said her behaviour was acceptable?

PortiaCastis · 30/04/2019 17:52

a bit of social shame wouldn't go amiss
Please tell this to dds Father who has not paid a penny in maintenance for 10years, he should feel shame for not providing for dd and also breaking my arm and giving me facial injuries.
HTH

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 17:52

and you'd most likely be told that although correct, the poster had posted for sympathy and support not a lecture

And....?

And the facts would be the same. Takes two to make a baby. Two pay for the baby.

sue51 · 30/04/2019 17:53

OP, if you are not in a committed relationship where you both understand there is always a risk of pregnancy wear a condom. There are non latex condoms available at my nearest Tescos. Stop moaning and get to grips with impending fatherhood.

MyTaxiIsAlwaysLate · 30/04/2019 17:54

Yes, and he has 18 years of child support and the emotional baggage of a child he now shares with somebody who lied to him - intentionally. I’m not sure how exactly having a vagina makes it acceptable to lie about contraception? It’s not ok.

I didn't say that it makes it right. I said one is sexual assault. You said the Mners whine about it being "rape" well yes, it's a physical violation. And vaginal sex is far more risky STI wise for the woman as well.

ThePants999 · 30/04/2019 17:54

I do think some of these comments are less than constructive

Hah, yeah. Welcome to the Internet in general, and Mumsnet in particular.

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