Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

is a woman lying about her contraception ok? is it not the same as/as bad as a man lying about keeping a condom on?

this was, by the OP’s admission, a casual relationship and for reasons that suited him, he made a choice to ignore pretty obvious red flags about contraception use. He also made a choice not to protect himself from parenthood, regardless. The woman concerned was wrong - but the OP wasn’t without options to avoid this situation. All arguments aside, it’s not the child’s fault so he really needs to recognise his own part in this, accept it, and see and support his child.

Based purely on the OP I would be feeling very bitter in your shoes and agree that being forced to take financial responsibility for a child that you made it very clear you did not want is unfair.

We can all make different choices in hindsight - presumably the OPs would have been to run a mile from a woman who behaved like this.

In a relationship with a man who told me he was allergic to condoms, but reassured me he had had a vasectomy I might have felt confident enough to have sex. I am unable to take the pill - but if I had then found out I was pregnant and he announced that he wanted a 'deeper relationship' with me I would feel, like the OP does - manipulated, angry and used. I would not want to keep the baby, or have it - hand it over to the person that put me in this position - and yet pay out maintenance for the next 18 years.

I have some sympathy with OP, and don't actually feel that all the cries of 'Tough shit - serves you right' are helpful.

Is this a reverse ? Something about the language in the OPs posts. I think you’re the woman in this situation OP...

@FP22 it's the year 2034. Your lad is visiting from Uni, maybe he's Brough his girlfriend to meet you.

The door knocks.

This new baby, now 17, asks if your their Dad. Your son comes behind you and the resemblance is undeniable.

How do you explain to these two kids why you chose to stand by, nay fight tooth and nail for one but the other one you refused to habd over a penny to, never met, basically refused to acknowledge for their entire life. How do you think your son will see you? How does your actions back in 2019 reflect on the man you want him to be?

You didn't want it and if she delib aimed to get pregnant, she is utterly reprehensible.

But it isn't about her now.

You pay your due, you meet your kid, and you have a suitable access arrangementbased in their age. You make a decision that this IS your child and you WILL be a good Dad

I agree with @Loopytiles.

And wish to add
Pro -choice - you had another choice, you could have had a vasectomy. Men always have a choice, and many, many men pay no child maintenance and leave women with children, and lie that they want children ---and on and on - just read the relationships section on this site.

You do not have a choice to force a woman to have an abortion. Really are you here just to get a response so you can post it on twitter?

Anyone who lies about contraception is a scumbag

This.

It is a shame that the only one penalised for it is the person who didn't want a child.

I think the female in this situation has behaved appallingly. I have every sympathy for you. I 100% agree with FinallyMrsE, I know that is not a popular viewpoint. I'm not sure what you should/could do about it.

I can sympathise @FP22 . I'll put it out there and say I got pregnant after a one night stand. Was already a single mum, so not ideal and I was very ashamed of my stupidity. But, abortion would have never been an option for me, I live by my actions. I told the dad and he was mortified. He practically begged me for an abortion, as he fessed up to having a girlfriend.

All the way through my pregnancy he made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. When my child was born, he asked for a DNA test which I obliged via the CSA and this proved him to be a dad. At that point he told me he didn't want to pay child support or have any contact with the child, but I'd already instigated the CSA so it would run its course. So, after much thought I suggested we terminate his parental rights. Meaning I could never claim child support, and all legal ties between him and the child were severed. The judge in the case questioned how I would manage without his financial support, but I had a good job, good support of my family and he didn't earn that much anyway so I didn't fancy the battle with the CSA as and when he worked.

I'll be honest, the judge frowned upon him massively but approved the severance. The CSA involvement then ceased, as he would never be responsible for the child. He legally cannot have any contact with our child until she is 18.

Roll forward 10 years and my daughters personality is very strong. I haven't told her anything yet, she knows she doesn't have a dad on the scene but that's about it. I do know however that when I do tell her, she's going to find him and give him a piece of her mind. She will want to know WHY he didn't want any involvement, why he didn't pay, why he didn't step up to his responsibilities. She's just that kind of person.

So I get that you're not wanting to be involved, you didn't choose this etc. But put yourself 18 years down the line and the child turns up on your doorstep. What do you say to your son? How do you reason with this child? Would you be able to confidently tell them that you wasn't involved because you felt forced to?

Unless she relinquishes your parental rights, you have no option but to pay. Weather you become involved in the child's life or not is up to you. Just think about it long term, rather than being resentful about the position you're currently in.

You weren’t manipulated into fathering a child because it’s a well documented risk of having sex.
You were lied to about the risk of her becoming pregnant which you can feel angry about.

Why should society have to pick up men lack of restraint/ understanding, anymore than the well used argument of single mothers being a drain on society.
There is no onus to be a hands on father to this child. Paid what you need to for your child.

It is a shame that the only one penalised for it is the person who didn't want a child

The alternative is the child is penalised. The child who, unlike the OP, didn’t have any choice at all.

However decietful or manipulative this woman has been, however "unfair" the situation may be towards you, that doesn't change the fact that the child is here now and it's yours. Like it or not that is the reality of the situation.

You're at pains to point out that you're a "decent guy", citing your socialist views and your job as evidence, but behaving decently in some areas of your life doesn't automatically give you a free pass in other areas. You can dress it up however you like but by refusing to pay child maintenance you are punishing an innocent child for the actions of it's Mother. So, do you want to be a "decent guy" or do you want to turn your back on your child, denying them not only love but financial security as well? Because you can't have both.

The problem is that there is an equality in fertility, (most) men are fertile every single time they have sex. (Most) women are fertile for a couple of days. Why does the responsibility fail to the women?

You need to get a DNA test and wanted or not this is your child.

What your ex did is despicable.

BUT, you seem to be missing the point of child support. It's not a financial reward for your ex's deceit, merely to line her pockets. It's to pay for the upkeep of YOUR child. Let's say she had been on the pill, and you had used condoms, but yet she still fell pregnant. You know as well as anyone that any vaginal intercourse you had ran the risk of pregnancy, so the ONLY way of ensuring that doesn't happen is to abstain. You knew that, and you took the risk. Now you have another child and whatever their mother has done, it's no fault of theirs. Step up and be a decent father and presumably you'll grow to 'absolutely adore' this one too. Moving forward, get checked out for STIs, have the snip, and only have sex with women you wouldn't mind ultimately ending up carrying your child.

I made reference to my son to show that I don’t fit the mold of a typical flaky father.

You fit the mould of a person not clever enough to realise that the birth control pill leaves you totally at the whims of another person's ability to remeber the pill/not get a sickness bug/ understand correct usage.

And someone who did that with a person they didn't know very well.

Have you never heard of pulling out?

Sorry your getting a slating here OP. I'm kind of on the fence. She may have lied to you, but what if you'd caught an STI? Given her an STI? Condoms don't only protect against pregnancy

You should've considered latex free condoms and bagged it before you dipped it. What she's done is despicable but stop being so trusting, get a DNA test and take care of your kid (if yours).

You may not agree but you are the one who took someone's word that they were on the pill, she's an utter twat but you were silly.

Women who pull stunts like that are pathetic, it's hardly something insignificant, it's 2 other people's lives you're pissing about with

You didn’t need to have sex you know, she could have had a tummy bug and fallen pregnant from that.

I'm not sure you mean that Nicknacky 😂

It is utterly unlike a man removing a condom

Why?

😦... because women can never be held responsible?

ITS EXACTLY THE SAME THING

A woman doesn’t HAVE to have sex! So if SHE has sex then SHE should also understand that it may easily result in pregnancy or STD’s
Maybe SHE should have worn a female condom! 🤯

Oh but the trolls on here don’t want to hear that do they? No, if a man lies about wearing a condom its ‘rape’ and ge should be arrested. Absolutely hypocritical.

HE asked if she was on contraception
SHE said yes
Because of that HE made the informed choice to not wear a condom (STI’s aren’t the issue here so sit down)

I understand that what she did was awful, but that doesn't change the fact that this child now exists.
You need to get a DNA test and if they are yours then you need to pay. This child shouldn't go without because his mother is mental. They didn't choose to be born.
Next time you have casual sex, you'll know better. You've got to make sure you're safe and not take the word of someone you don't know.

HoneyDukes92 I missed the bit where he has to carry the pregnancy inside his own body...

Honestly, if it wasn’t for the child being an innocent party I think it would be totally reasonable for women who do this to recieve 0 support or funding!

A bit of social shame wouldn’t go a miss either 🤔 babies are not tools to trap men! Vaginas are not weapons! - Stop being irresponsible with it!

Indeed, I can imagine a totally different response to a woman posting 'I've been in a casual relationship with this guy. I told him I couldn't tolerate birth control but he said not to worry and that they didn't need to use condoms because he had a vasectomy and he had it confirmed it had worked. Now I'm pregnant and I found out he never had a vasectomy. I'm 26 weeks along so it's too late for an abortion. I don't want that baby. The guy said not to worry he will be a father to the baby when it's born. Oh and he said he would seek maintenance from me'

Who would dare write to that poster that she needs to accept the situation because she was an idiot to trust the guy and that it is tough that she'll have to pay for the child for the next 18 years.

@Beef

So having a uterus justifies lying about protection?

Nope ... stop trying to justify deceitful behaviour.

Oh but the trolls on here don’t want to hear that do they? No, if a man lies about wearing a condom its ‘rape’ and ge should be arrested. Absolutely hypocritical

Science not your strong suit?

She then has nine months of pregnancy and all the potential health risks that come along with it. Then she gets to push a human out of her vagina.

All he has to do is wear a condom because actually he doesn't know if the person is on the pill, remembers to take their pill at the right time/ is prone to stomach illness or drunken vomiting..

Who would dare write to that poster that she needs to accept the situation because she was an idiot to trust the guy and that it is tough that she'll have to pay for the child for the next 18 years.

People would tell her she’d been an idiot to trust a casual partner about a vasectomy.

A bit of social shame wouldn’t go a miss either

Are you fucking deluded?! It’s not 1850.

But then I find it terribly hard to take a poster seriously who denigrates those who don’t agree with her narrow viewpoint as “trolls”.