Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

So if the non existant condom had broke instead of her "lying" about the pill, would you then havr made the effort to see thr child?

Because if you would you are simply punishing the child for thr mothers mistake.

And if you wouldn't you're just a garden variety feckless arsehole.

Which one is it?

I think you would feel very differently about these scenarios. An accident is very different to a deliberate act isn't it?

I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.”
This “I’m a great guy and want to improve women’s lives” is a slightly out of context admission tbh and has kind of coloured my view of the OP since reading it. He is trying to paint his ex as a Machiavellian mastermind who wilfully lies and traps men.

Absolutely agree 100% - OP is apparently very concerned with improving the lot of random women, and very unconcerned with the woman he was sticking his dick in because she’s a terrible woman and he’s a good bloke.

Please.

Also, how do we know she tricked him into having a baby?

Do we know she wasn’t on the pill when she said she was the first time, and then he just left all responsibility for contraception with her without ever discussing it until god knows how long later when it came up during a medical appointment he was allegedly present in? Even when I was pregnant and DH attended appointments, they wouldn’t ask me any sensitive questions in front of him, and I’m pretty sure that a woman who was lying to trap a man with pregnancy wouldn’t just admit she’d lied about the pill in front of him in an appointment where she could have asked him to leave.

They went to an STI clinic together, and then he accompanied her for a blood test because she was nervous and sat in through the questions part of the appointment, but this was no more than casual sex? Give over. I never asked any of my casual shags to come and support me through a blood test despite a horrible needle phobia and needing lots of them.

The whole thing doesn’t add up to me. How long did this non-relationship last? How many times did you have unprotected sex without asking about contraception?

And you can’t say “well I said I wanted nothing to do to her and the baby, and then the bitch moved away from me!”. Again, actions have consequences - how is this a shock?

This second child I no chance at a functioning relationship. I have to give up money I now need more than ever to support both or time with my first born. The mother has moved away.
I think for my own mental health as well, I can’t be a dip in and say hi ever 2 months kind of dad. I am completely hands on with my 3 year old. The fact I would have no say, no decision in that child’s life and no reasonable access would trouble me far more than walking away.

Oh well, that’s different - we wouldn’t want you to be troubled!

The mother also doesn’t want me to be a part of that child’s life.

Really? I’m shocked. If I got pregnant unexpectedly (and you don’t know that she planned this - from your comments about her not wanting kids it seems unlikely) and the guy reacted as you did, I wouldn’t see any issue with moving away, nor would I want him involved if he said from the outset he didn’t want to be and refused to even acknowledge it was his child. Based on how resentful you are and the things you’ve said here, I doubt you’ve been particularly pleasant in your interactions since then.

I'm with you OP. She knew what she was doing. You trusted her. She's an idiot!

It’s a fact that a woman DOES have another choice if she’s pregnant and doesn’t have to be. The key still is that word choice.

Yes, but only if the pregnant woman genuinely believes that abortion is a choice you can make morally. If she doesn’t, if say she’s a devout Catholic who believes that abortion is a mortal sin, then it isn’t a choice she has available to her at all.

There are also a lot of women who believe in a woman’s right to choose but say that they wouldn’t be able to have one themselves.

I will acknowledge, though, that the woman in question here would have a very strange morality, if it’s wrong to have an abortion but it’s okay to trick a man into getting her pregnant.

In this case, I do feel sympathy for the OP (her behaviour has been appalling), but once the baby is here, then you need to be involved, it’s not the baby’s fault.

Presumably a devout Catholic wouldn't be having sex outside of marriage because they wouldn't be able to use any contraception so it would be a very risky game to play.

I agree and feel sorry for you OP, it was a horrible thing for her to do, and I don't think you are responsible for checking she is on the pill. Completely different if she had been on the pill and still fallen pregnant, but the deliberate deceit is what makes this unfair on you.

However, there is a little child out there who is yours. Why does he/she deserve to be loved less than your son, just because of their mother? You obviously love your son and enjoy being a father, why not embrace your other child too?

If a mother moves away when the child is a baby, doesn't put the father on the birth certificate and is determined not to facilitate a relationship between father and child, there is very little the man can do about it without spending tons of money dragging her through court. An even if he wins, the rp can be really obstructive if inclined.
It's ridiculous to expect the OP to spend money he doesn't have, to fight for something he is unlikely to get. He has a child to look after already. The new baby hasn't been abandoned on the street - it has a mother who wants it and loves it. I don't think a father dipping in and out of its life is necessarily the best thing for the child, not when there's so much resentment between the parents.

My view is that OP wouldn’t have consented to sex had he known the truth of the circumstances surrounding it. Having sex with someone who hasn’t fully consented isn’t ok.

People can make arrangements if they are willing. I suggest he collects the child, then he knows it will happen, she can arrive to take them home. Or whatever suits them all. Plenty of people do this. A train journey to see a sibling (or any family) can be fun, an adventure. Or drive, stay at a campsite on the way. Any number of ways.
Op seemed to think dc2 should be kept seperate, not true.

Your child didnt ask to be born either.
I understand your frustration but don’t punish your child by not wanting anything to do with it.

And surely there is no 100% guarantee to avoid this kind of situation as a man, other then keeping your pants closed...

A train journey to see a sibling (or any family) can be fun, an adventure. Or drive, stay at a campsite on the way.

Hmmm. And lol at staying on a campsite. Sure. Of course. For 1 day before you have to leg it back to work again.

Why are you so adamant that the father has to tie himself up in knots because of choices that the mother has made?

Maybe she can come down and stay on a campsite every week?

Having sex with someone who hasn’t fully consented isn’t ok

Yes everybody agrees that what she has done is terrible but there is a child that exists now that needs both parents. You think the child should be punished because of the mother? If you have sex without a condom you’re taking a risk.

@DecomposingComposers You seem to know a lot about the OP’s personal circumstances and have a tonne of excuses for him lol. How does someone who is THAT busy with work able to get 50/50 custody? When is he able to look after his child? He can look after DC2 whilst he’s looking after DC1

Women who discover pregnancies after the abortion limit have forced births. We only have a choice up to a certain point.

However, if a woman wishes to give up parental responsibility she would be allowed to do so via adoption. A man doesn’t have that choice.

The thing is, yes contraception can fail. But it’s usually the woman’s contraception that failed and so she has the choice to make from there.

In this instance you didn’t even USE any. I’d have more sympathy if you had a split condom but you went bare back.

Diddums. Get a DNA test and pay up. Next time be more careful unless you want to end up being a professional baby daddy.

If a mother moves away when the child is a baby, doesn't put the father on the birth certificate and is determined not to facilitate a relationship between father and child, there is very little the man can do about it without spending tons of money dragging her through court. An even if he wins, the rp can be really obstructive if inclined.

That’s really irrelevant isn’t it? Because he told her from the outset that he wanted nothing to do with their child - he can’t then criticise her for moving away (I presume either closer to family or for a job that will be easier to cope with as a single parent?) and say that’s why he will have no relationship with the child. He told her he wanted nothing to do with them - this is just another way to blame her

If she did do this deliberately, that’s awful - I doubt it’s deliberate and would be very interested in hearing her side of the story.

One thing I do know is that cannot blame a woman for being pro choice in theory but who then feels unable to have an abortion in reality - you cannot predict what you’ll feel like when you’re actually faced with it.

No the child shouldn't be punished but plenty of posters seem to think that the OP deserves to be punished.

Hithere12

I know the same as everyone else ie what he's put on the thread it's just a lot of people haven't bothered to read it.

Surely you can see how it's different to have a child living with you than having to travel hours away to visit a child?

How does the OP have the baby at the same times as his other child? The other child will be living with him. The baby isn't.

I don't see how you can't understand that.

How can he have the baby and older child together unless the baby's mother brings it down to the OP?

No the child shouldn't be punished but plenty of posters seem to think that the OP deserves to be punished

Depends if you see paying maintenance as a punishment. It isn’t.

How can he have the baby and older child together unless the baby's mother brings it down to the OP?

He can drive down once a fortnight with DC1 in the car it’s not that hard.

Depends if you see paying maintenance as a punishment. It isn’t.

I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the suggestion that OP needs to travel for hours, with his son, staying in a campsite in order to accommodate the mother who chose to move away.

I'm talking about the suggestion that OP needs to travel for hours, with his son, staying in a campsite in order to accommodate the mother who chose to move away

As a matter of interest - has the OP commented how far away the mother moved?

Hithere12

You know that do you? You know how far it is? How many days off OP gets and how they are structured? You know that these days don't coincide with son being at school so that he can't go with OP? That OP has the money to drive however far plus pay for accommodation? That OP even has a car?

Lots of assumptions you make when you say how easy it is. If course, the mother could drive back if it's that easy?

not punished decomposing, just face consequences and do the right thing. All the examples I gave are real life ones that people worked out. I don't know what shifts the parents work but I'm sure they can work something out. Plenty of folk have distance relationships which are valuable and emotionally fruitful, even if they live in a different country and Skype twice a week. I know someone who was in prison and his child taken to visit every month for an hour, they are very close.
It's his attitude is wrong, and you are colluding. It's not easy but the world is full of people who regret their actions, and children who are damaged by thoughtless selfish parents. Yes he has been burned but good can come out of it. The child should know him, what if she died?