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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
Tavannach · 01/05/2019 12:53

It's not OP's fault this baby is fatherless, it's hers.

It totally is. He's the father.

BogglesGoggles · 01/05/2019 12:53

My advice to any man is ‘dont have sex with a woman unless you are prepared for her to be the mother of your children’ for women it is ‘don’t have sex with a man if you aren’t prepared to either have a child or an abortion’. When you have sex pregnancieshappen even when you take precautions. You took the risk and now you have to pay for it.

TeaForDad · 01/05/2019 12:56

That woman sounds like a total bitch and unfortunately you're stuck.

VaggieMight · 01/05/2019 13:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 13:01

It's perfectly reasonable to expect birth control to work

But it’s very well documented that no birth control is 100% effective.

and it's reasonable to trust a partner who says they're using birth control

Would you trust a casual partner when you could handle your own reproductive health?

hiddenmnetter · 01/05/2019 13:07

It's perfectly reasonable to expect birth control to work

No it’s not.

VaggieMight · 01/05/2019 13:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

PicsInRed · 01/05/2019 13:11

It's perfectly reasonable to expect birth control to work, and it's reasonable to trust a partner who says they're using birth control.

Demonstrably, not.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/05/2019 13:12

I think the fact that no contraception is 100% reliable seems to be lost on so many people. I have no idea why this is because it's well publicised.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 13:12

In this instance the woman lied to the OP. This isn't a case of birth control failing

That’s not my point. My point was in response to you saying it’s reasonable to assume that birth control will work. Even if it HAD been used there’s still a failure rate ergo everyone should be aware pregnancy can occur whenever you have sex (the obvious exceptions taken into consideration).

Even with a one night stand with a stranger it is reasonable to expect trust and respect of boundaries

That is remarkably naive.

Hithere12 · 01/05/2019 13:14

I think the fact that no contraception is 100% reliable seems to be lost on so many people. I have no idea why this is because it's well publicised

Also the pill is much less reliable than other methods as it requires it to be taken at the same time each day, so it’s very easy to make errors than say it is with an IUD.

outvoid · 01/05/2019 13:14

Haven’t RTFT cause, you know, don’t have all day...

Doubtful anyone has sided with you on here though and I’m not going to either.

You weren’t forced to have sex nor were you forced to ejaculate inside her without a condom. People who are allergic to latex use latex free condoms which you could and should have used not just to protect against pregnancy but also STI’s.

Your choice not to see your child (although unsure how you can live with this) but you do still need to legally pay CM because it is your child. Have a DNA test first but if the child is yours then yes, you do need to pay.

KittyInTheCradle · 01/05/2019 13:26

Surely lying to someone about using contraception is sexual coercion? Or some kind of sexual assault? OP did not consent to unprotected sex. Surely this is criminal in the same way as if a man secretly removes a condom during sex, or lies to obtain consent...

However, child support is a separate issue as it isn't the baby who is a trixter.

I'd go for custody.

Missingstreetlife · 01/05/2019 13:26

No reason you can't do what other separated dads do. Take dc1 to see or pickup dc2 at agreed times, eow or once a month and some of holidays or half holidays, or just holidays and birthdays. She can collect dc2 to go home after staying contact. You and dc1 can stay a weekend near where dc2/mum live sometimes. Both your dc can have contact with your family and each other. Not about your mental health, or relationship with other parent, it's about your children, both of them.

VaggieMight · 01/05/2019 13:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 13:31

Lam23

There is a massive difference between living with a woman and your child and travelling hours and hours away when you already have 2 jobs and 50/50 care of another surely?

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 13:32

I'm not going to make that point any further as I imagine we both agree with sexual partners respecting boundaries

In the situation of one night stands? I would never, ever trust them to respect the boundaries of birth control - which is what the whole subject surrounds.

Anyone who does is naive.

Missingstreetlife · 01/05/2019 13:36

Even tho she has been stupid, perhaps reckless, surely you have heard of men being 'trapped' (made to face their responsibility). Lucky for you no shotgun wedding. You will grow to love your child and so may your family. Think ahead for a change, be a role model. 3 is a lovely age to become a sibling. DNA, pr and contact. You know it's right.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 13:37

Missingstreetlife

The mother chose to move away. Why is it now the OPs responsibility to travel miles away, with his other child (!) and have to pay to stay somewhere in order to see this baby?

If he had moved away would you be telling the mother that it is up to her to travel to wherever he has moved to?

Surely the rule is that the parent who moved away travels back for contact?

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 13:38

Even tho she has been stupid, perhaps reckless,

What? How about conniving, a liar and deceitful?

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 13:54

Surely the rule is that the parent who moved away travels back for contact?

If it was done via Family Court there’s no set rule

TwllBach · 01/05/2019 13:58

Plenty of men manage to have relationships with DC that have moved away. What you want, from this thread, is to be validated as the good man you feel you present yourself as. Firefighter, father with 50/50 custody, pays for a child he was conned into having.

There’s no reason to punish a child because you don’t like her mother/her mother acted badly. You are depriving a child of its father, siblings of each other, a child from its grandparents and a wider family. This child will know who you are, it’s mother won’t lie to her. She’ll carry that weight for the whole of their life and it will affect her emotionally and mentally, all because you can’t be bothered to make the effort.

You don’t have to give up your time with your son, you include them. You have this second child every other weekend and half the holidays and you incorporate them into your family, just like you would have done with your son had courts not awarded you 50/50 custody.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 14:08

You have this second child every other weekend

Presumably as a firefighter he doesn't have weekends off. Maybe he has split days off ie not 2 together. How does contact work?

Travel 3 or 4 hours to see the child and then 3 or 4 hours back again in the same day? With his older child? So older child travels for 8 hours to see half sibling for an hour or two? It doesn't work when people aren't working 9-5 M to F does it? And being geographically closer makes everything much easier.

Do the grandparents also do this round trip too?

The mum has moved, she should be the one returning for contact. And I would say the same if it was the dad that had moved away.

For me, the parent that moves away is the one that needs to facilitate the contact.

VaggieMight · 01/05/2019 14:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

IncrediblySadToo · 01/05/2019 14:30

I won’t be there for her child

Whose child? YOUR child. This baby is every bit as much YOUR child as your DS is. Whether you like it or not, YOU now have two children. Two children who you should treat the same.

...every moment I don’t have my son I work

Clearly not, or you wouldn’t be in this situation.