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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
FP22 · 01/05/2019 10:50

@SleepingSloth I don’t know is the answer. Had we been in a relationship and whatever form of contraception had failed, which was the case with my 3 year old, I think I would have done the same. This relationship was solely about sexual gratification, mostly led by her. I don’t think we need to dance over the fact I was a fucking idiot to trust and not take personal responsibility in the form of a condom. My relationship with sexual protection has completely changed following this. I was naive. I was careless. But I was still used and manipulated as she made those choices seem inconsequential to execute her plan to get preganant

OP posts:
QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 01/05/2019 10:57

How is OP an absent father when the mother has moved away?
It's a very difficult situation and OP can't shift everything for this new child, when he's already doing everything he can for the one he has.
I do think it's quite heartless to want absolutely no involvement though. I couldn't imagine having a child and not even knowing what they looked like. I'd at least do what I could to for them, even if it wasn't much. They deserve to have 2 parents who care about them.

SleepingSloth · 01/05/2019 11:00

My relationship with sexual protection has completely changed following this. I was naive.

Yes, but you've learned from it. What's done is done. She was wrong.

I really would urge you to be in this child's life but obviously that is your decision. Be very sure that you can deal with what may happen in 20 years if this child's turns up. It will affect your other child knowing he has a sibling which his dad didn't look. You need to separate your feelings for this woman, who has acted appallingly, and the child. You sound like a good dad to your son, you can be a good dad to this child too. It's a crap situation but I think you can make the best of it with a little effort and I'm sure this child would bring you and your son much happiness.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 11:01

SleepingSloth

That’s a very good post

SleepingSloth · 01/05/2019 11:02

*didn't look after

Original poster
FP22 · 01/05/2019 11:03

@Lam23
I think I have answered all these points Previously but, we were about to have sex, drunk the first time, we were naked, I went to put a condom on and she said she couldn’t, allergic and that she was on the pill and then sat on me. We went to the gym clinic twice, once not long after and once toward the end for blood test, I went in on her request because she was scared of needles, the person went through the questionnaire with us and asked if she was on contraception and she said no. I actually started to question about condoms toward the end and she always made excuses or gave reasons why not. I have little to no contact, I’m blocked and have tried to email with little response.

We had conversations around children because I have one, we both said how we didn’t want any. She told me categorically that under no any circumstance she did not want children but lied about her own contraception and manipulated me to not use. Again, at this point I should have insisted, I should have taken personal responsibility but I was stupid, trusted and trusted her as she convinced me

OP posts:
BurpingFrog · 01/05/2019 11:03

Thanks @DecomposingComposers, I thought I'd read all the posts but missed that one

CaptSkippy · 01/05/2019 11:05

You already had one case of contraception failing and yet you still went ahead with unprotected PIV, when you could have done a myriad of other things to get your rocks off without such a great risk of pregnancy.

You can be angry about being lied to, I would be too. But you do not get to be angry about the consequences, because with or without the lying they would have been the same.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 11:09

JacquesHammer

Personal responsibility is more than just choosing to continue with or end a pregnancy.

If women are having unprotected sex, or not making absolutely sure they don't get pregnant, then surely "personal responsibility" involves ensuring you have all resources in place to raise that child should it happen? So presumably you agree that any woman unable to support a child either doubles up on contraception or abstains?

Lookingforadvice123 · 01/05/2019 11:12

I haven't RTFT but I do actually think it's unfair what she did, as you did have a discussion around contraception - it's not like you just crossed your fingers, you thought she was on the pill.

HOWEVER, now that the baby is born (presumably), I don't see how you could possibly not even want to meet him/her, especially as you have another child and so know the love you would (should) feel. Yes it's far from ideal and it means you're going to be down financially. But how can you live your life knowing you chose to have zero involvement?

I would get a DNA test and go from there.

SleepingSloth · 01/05/2019 11:13

But you do not get to be angry about the consequences, because with or without the lying they would have been the same.

Confused The chances of this woman becoming pregnant on the pill were very small so the consequences probably wouldn't have been the same at all.

I was on the pill for 10 years. I never got pregnant until I came off it on two different occasions because I wanted to have children. It's not 100% but to say the consequences would have been the same is ridiculous.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 11:14

SleepingSloth

The thing is, will the mother want him in the child's life? If he is going to have any contact, even limited then I would urge him to get parental responsibility.

At least then he will have some say in how his child is raised and a say in decisions affecting the child.

NurseButtercup · 01/05/2019 11:15

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

You have clearly already decided that you will have nothing to do with "the child".

This post is merely a sounding board to try and figure out how to abandon your child, whilst maintaining your public image of being a loving, caring father who serves his community & champions women's rights.

Instead of focussing on building a relationship with your child, you are choosing to focus on the deception and hold onto your anger & resentment towards her (yes she was wrong), by default punishing your child.

So go ahead and live your life pretending your other child doesn't exist.

But consider this; in about 20 years your other child will come looking for you with questions.

And you are not a loving caring father if you choose to abandon your child.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 11:17

But consider this; in about 20 years your other child will come looking for you with questions.

This isn't a given. Neither my husband nor father have gone looking for their fathers.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 11:17

If women are having unprotected sex, or not making absolutely sure they don't get pregnant, then surely "personal responsibility" involves ensuring you have all resources in place to raise that child should it happen? So presumably you agree that any woman unable to support a child either doubles up on contraception or abstains?

Women have another chance to choose whether they have a baby.

Why are you refusing to acknowledge that?

hiddenmnetter · 01/05/2019 11:26

Unfortunately OP there really isn’t any other coherent position. I agree you were treated badly, I agree you’ve been tricked, but none of that is the fault of the baby. And in our society we insist that both parents provide for their children. If the baby lives with the mother then the father has to pay CMS, and vice-a-versa.

This is the only way to change your thinking- it’s not about you, it’s about the baby. You’re not paying her, you’re paying the baby (through her). Unless you believe that men should be able to choose and pick which of their progeny they support? I doubt you do, but that’s the logic of the position you’re suggesting, and it’s a terrible one. How appalled would you be for a man to leave his wife of 10 years with 4 children and say “actually I didn’t really want them so I’m not paying.”

Doesn’t matter- you made them, you pay.

Valentinesxdayideasxx · 01/05/2019 11:26

I haven't rtft but am shocked at the first page of replies Shock if a woman got pregnant from her fwb piercing holes in all condoms would we all be saying the same thing? She should have been more careful and checked each individual 1? The man wasnt in the wrong cos condoms fail all the time anyway Hmm This man wasnt in the wrong. He trusted someone enough to not use condoms cos he was told she was on the pill. NO sane woman would do this and Im shocked how normalised this is on MN

OP, fwiw I think what she did was awful but you have a dc that now doesnt have a dad because of theyre dms mistake. Please make an effort with your new dc. You dont have to have contact with dm but it would be awful to grow up finding out youre half sibling has contact with ddad but you dont

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 11:28

Women have another chance to choose whether they have a baby.

Why are you refusing to acknowledge that?

Yes they do and I'm not ignoring it. Why are you pretending that women who don't protect themselves, get pregnant and are not in a position to provide for that child then make the choice to terminate (using that 2nd chance)? Clearly many don't. They take a chance, get pregnant and then choose to have that baby relying on the state to pay - is that "personal responsibility"? Do you castigate them as you are the OP?

Women make poor decisions that result in a baby being born in less than ideal circumstances and yet they get support on these boards. Not a telling off and name calling for their poor choices.

If you believe in personal responsibility then you have to apply that to both parties, not just one.

The OP was taken advantage of here. Yes he could have done things differently, just as anyone who has been a victim of crime could have (locked your front door, not fallen for a scam, not left valuables in your car) doesn't make the criminal any less responsible though.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 11:35

Why are you pretending that women who don't protect themselves, get pregnant and are not in a position to provide for that child then make the choice to terminate (using that 2nd chance)? Clearly many don't

Yes, I covered that in the word “choice”.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 11:36

JacquesHammer

So is it showing personal responsibility to have a child that you have no means of supporting?

Hithere12 · 01/05/2019 11:46

OP please tell me you’ve booked a vasectomy.

sashh · 01/05/2019 11:46

Surely women also need to take responsibility for their choices?

Yes ADULTS should, but children are not responsible for what their parents did before birth.

nickyXjayno Could you point me to one person 'living the high life'on benefits?

Your husband and his ex have 3 children, he should pay for them. Or maybe you could go for full custody if it is so easy?

This relationship was solely about sexual gratification, mostly led by her. I don’t think we need to dance over the fact I was a fucking idiot to trust and not take personal responsibility in the form of a condom

You were an idiot many levels, there are a lot of things you can 'catch' from unprotected sex. AIDS still kills people, although treatment for HIV has vastly improved. Some other STIs can cause serious health problems and if left untreated can cause death.

That little child you fought for 50/50 custody could have been left without a father because you wanted a shag.

Grow up, take responsibility for both children and if you really don't want any more have a vasectomy.

Hithere12 · 01/05/2019 11:51

Women have another chance to choose whether they have a baby

Why are you refusing to acknowledge that?

Hmm You’re an idiot. Do you realise how traumatising an unwanted abortion would be?

It’s not the fucking same thing as taking a pill, it would cause serious psychological harm to do something like that. You’re basically forcing a miscarriage. Women only go through abortions when they see no other option, people do not use it as a form of contraception. Do you even know what an abortion is?!

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 11:52

The OP has 2 children.

Do you post on threads telling women with 2 children by 2 different men to get sterilised? I really can't believe what I am reading here.

And again, yes the OP risked an STI but so did this woman AND she was pregnant so risked her unborn child too - where are the posts criticising her for doing that?

Original poster
FP22 · 01/05/2019 11:54

@hiddenmnetter

I have acknowledged and accepted that I will financial support. I do believe there is a place in my circumstances to abdicate responsibility before/immediately after conception as a mother would do if she was to put the child up for adoption. But I am well aware there is no law to support this and I will pay.

The example you give is materially different. I said before/during/after my position. We were having sex on the mutual understanding of it being just for sexual gratification, that protection was in place and that if an ‘accident’ happened, we were both of the same opinion about termination. All of that was a lie on the other persons behalf. (Agin before a wave of ‘use of condom’ posts come in, yes thank you, noted, I was fucking idiot to trust someone and not take more person responsibility)

OP posts: