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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
Lam23 · 01/05/2019 10:16

@decomposingcomposers Lots of couples use one method after having sti checks. Only some men can’t accept the fact that these sometimes fail, and refuse to face up to their responsibilities. The OP and my are ex are two of those unfortunate men, but I know plenty who have more basic maturity and would not choose to spend their time garnering sympathy and blaming the woman, instead of dealing with consequences.

sue51 · 01/05/2019 10:17

If a London firefighter earns say 30,000, cms would be just under 100 per week for 2 children.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 10:18

That would mean that all women should be using female contraception plus insisting on condoms to protect against STIs. Men only have condoms available so they always need to use them

You’re not talking into account biology again.

SleepingSloth · 01/05/2019 10:19

Lots of couples use one method after having sti checks. Only some men can’t accept the fact that these sometimes fail, and refuse to face up to their responsibilities. The OP and my are ex are two of those unfortunate men.

The contraception didn't fail. She didn't take the pill....it could never have worked ! This is nothing like your situation !

Lam23 · 01/05/2019 10:19

@sleepingsloth I repeat: my dd’s father would not accept this fact and continues to feel incredibly hard done by 4.5 years down the line. Regardless of the background, the sense of entitlement and the basic carelessness of men who are willing to have condom free sex is shocking. Plus the fact that my dd father is determined to paint me black and I’m not 100% convinced that the OP isn’t conducting a similar smear campaign on his ex purely to absolve his feelings of guilt and immaturity.

Lam23 · 01/05/2019 10:20

So he had sex with her after he knew she wasn’t on the pill though?
Why?

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 10:23

Lam23

But there are lots of women who post on mn saying that either contraception failed or they didn't use any and are now pregnant . they receive support. They don't get told that they are selfish or dead beat or that they should have realised that there was a risk of pregnancy each and every time they had sex, protected or otherwise.

That is the double standard on here.

JacquesHammer

In what way am I not taking into account biology?

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 10:25

So he had sex with her after he knew she wasn’t on the pill though?
Why?
He didn't. He said that she admitted it in the clinic and announced the pregnancy a week later. Where does he say they slept together after she admitted it?

BurpingFrog · 01/05/2019 10:26

@FP22

Are you absolutely sure she wasn't on the pill? Did she say that to you or are you assuming it because she got pregnant? (You do realise the pill is about 1% ineffective with "perfect" use, and 9% with "typical use" -- NHS stats)

I ask because the deception element you think is there is obviously having an impact on how you view your relationship with your new child in comparison to your older son.

I personally disagree that it would not be right for your child to have you seeing them every couple of months rather than not at all. Children who don't know their father at all tend to see cast them as either an angel or a devil in their minds, neither of which is particularly good for them.

Knowing Dad, and that Dad reliably visits every 2 months (or whatever) would be better for them in my opinion.

Regarding the birth certificate: if you don't know whether you're on it or not, you aren't. Unless you're married, you'd have to be present at the registration, or to have signed and had witnessed a declaration of parentage form to give to the baby's mother.

As you probably know, the duty to pay maintenance applies whether or not you're on the certificate.

You said: To those saying that by having sex you know the risk, no, I don’t think that is correct. Maybe 50-60 years ago but we both have options
You must understand that all "options" of contraception (other than abstinence) have a failure rate, and that having an abortion is a choice she can make - NOT you. That's not something you can ever expect her to do. She had that option, and she chose not to take it.

To be clear: if you have sex with someone, you have to understand they could have a baby as a result. You can never expect them to have an abortion because the option to do so is there - after all, that would stop it being an "option" and make it forced.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 10:27

Are you absolutely sure she wasn't on the pill?

Op said that she admitted it in the sexual health clinic.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 10:27

In what way am I not taking into account biology?

That a great number of "female contraceptions" aren't appropriate for a great number of women.

They don't get told that they are selfish or dead beat or that they should have realised that there was a risk of pregnancy each and every time they had sex, protected or otherwise

Actually I've often seen that. "Well you were daft not using contraception, here are your choices"

You can try and push your narrative of double standards all you want but it really doesn't work unless the same posters are commenting on the same threads with exactly the same situation.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 10:28

She didn't take the pill....it could never have worked

That doesn't negate the fact he was an absolute idiot to not use a condom though, does it?

It's possible for there to be a situation where BOTH parties behave badly.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/05/2019 10:30

Spot on LaurieMarlow

OP has been happy to try to 'improve women's lives' from a position of autonomy and leadership, on his own terms. So far that's gone well and allowed him to feel and look like a 'good guy'. But admitting to mistakes and taking responsibility for them is part of being a leader and of being an everyday good person.

I think this is a real learning point, turning point and growing up experience in OP's life. He is going to face this mess and take on the responsibility of paying maintenance. That includes recognising that his wants do need come before a baby's needs - quite a change of perspective for many parents. OP is a parent, so he already knows this really.

Admitting that a woman who has behaved very badly and made him understandably angry, is an autonomous person with needs and wants of her own, and no duty to put herself second to serve his interests, is a pretty important life-lesson. One that should make a difference to the way he works with and relates to women in future - as complicated equals, not gentle facilitators and beneficiaries of men's wishes.

Just remember, 'strings free sex' is still a myth and no-one has a duty to clear up your messes for you.

AIBU is a fight club OP, not a support board. You've survived this and made some good decisions. Onwards and upwards.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 10:30

That a great number of "female contraceptions" aren't appropriate for a great number of women.
How do these women take the personal responsibility that you are so insistent on then? Presumably they all abstain?

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 10:36

How do these women take the personal responsibility that you are so insistent on then? Presumably they all abstain?

You really struggle with the most basic of concepts don't you.

Personal responsibility? By not tantrumming if there's an accidental pregnancy and using another of the choices that is open to them by virtue of their sex.

By acknowledging that condoms - whilst important to use - aren't 100% effective and that there is almost always a risk of pregancy following sex. Dealing with that.

You seem to think personal responsibility = avoiding pregancy full stop. What it actually means is using the avenues open to you to. Women have choice post conception and prior to conception, men have the choice pre-conception only.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 10:37

Just remember, 'strings free sex' is still a myth and no-one has a duty to clear up your messes for you

Yes this.

Original poster
FP22 · 01/05/2019 10:37

@BossAssBitch Yeh, Iv read every single post and I get that impression. I’m not immune to criticism, I wouldn’t have posted here if I wanted to avoid it. My whole purpose was to challenge my own thoughts and feeling and it has done. I don’t think I’m passed the bitter/resentful but unfortunately but I have always been consistent with what level of involvement I was prepared to have before/during/after conception. I completely understand there is now an innocent life out there but I could not have been more honest and open throughout and I feel that the mother has made all her choices knowingly

OP posts:
SleepingSloth · 01/05/2019 10:38

It's possible for there to be a situation where BOTH parties behave badly.

She lied to him so I do think she was more in the wrong. It's a really low thing to do to someone.

But yes, it was silly to have been so trusting of someone he was having casual sex with, when it was so important for him to not have another child. He should pay for the child, I think he should be a dad to the child also. But I can completely understand his anger.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 10:41

I completely understand there is now an innocent life out there but I could not have been more honest and open throughout and I feel that the mother has made all her choices knowingly

As long as you acknowledge by “knowingly” making this choice you could potentially cause a rift with your current child. I’m sure you won’t blame them for being disappointed in you.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 10:42

But yes, it was silly to have been so trusting of someone he was having casual sex with, when it was so important for him to not have another child. He should pay for the child, I think he should be a dad to the child also. But I can completely understand his anger

I don’t disagree.

Lam23 · 01/05/2019 10:44

“Are you absolutely sure she wasn't on the pill? Did she say that to you or are you assuming it because she got pregnant?“
This, really. Honestly,it just seems so unlikely that she was wilfully lying and trying to get pregnant with you especially after you apparently said outright you didn’t want more children. I’m not saying women haven’t ever done that - but I am seriously wondering whether there is more to this. Did she really claim she was on the pill? Did you have a conversation after the clinic where she admitted this wasn’t true in front of you? (Also, having been to sexual health clinics, they have always seen me and partners separately, I am not sure when you would have witnessed her answering the contraception question?) Did you pick up on any other inklings at any point that she might be a liar, deceitful or otherwise unsavoury? Did she convincingly agree outright that she never wanted children? What reason has she given for moving away? What contact do you have with her now? I still don’t feel this is a complete picture.

SleepingSloth · 01/05/2019 10:44

By not tantrumming if there's an accidental pregnancy and using another of the choices that is open to them by virtue of their sex

But it's not an accidental pregnancy if one person doesn't use the method of contraception that get say they will.

OP I presume you would have felt differently if she had fell pregnant whilst actually being on the pill, as in not angry or wuestioning financial support? Would you have contact with the child ?

SleepingSloth · 01/05/2019 10:44

*questioning

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 10:44

But it's not an accidental pregnancy if one person doesn't use the method of contraception that get say they will

But he STILL chose not to use a condom. He was a prat.

tenredthings · 01/05/2019 10:49

Having a child is a gift. It takes a lot of investment of time, emotion, energy and money but as you get older the dividend in human connection and love can be amazing. Sometimes the universe chucks things at us we wouldn't have consciously chosen. In this incident the best you can do us embrace the reality and try to make it into something positive.