Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

Ps he was stupid, she is abhorrent in this case

I don't know how some posters get to the conclusion that you were not manipulated

Because he could have chosen a condom. The only way to be sure about being safe contraception wise is to handle your own.

She lied and behaved poorly (if the scenario is accurate) but it would ALL have been avoided if the OP wasn’t so keen on bareback sex.

Tell her you want full access right and be prepared to take her to court for it. She used you and probably expects you to pay maintenance and leave her to it. Don’t! It’s your child, don’t let her take that from you!

But, what if you are sure, but are just wrong? I have had enough times in my life where I have had to eat my words. It's human to be wrong from time to time, eventhough you are sure.

Stop shooting your jizz up women you don't want to potentially have a child with.

Problem solved.

Pity it's too late for the poor kid this time.

Her pill could have failed just as easily as any failure to take it/deception on her part.

You aren't entitled to consequence free sex. All sex has possible consequences.

I had a coil. It was the first and only coil fail I’ve ever had (10 years using one except pregnancy). Her father with whom I was in a short relationship (both went through Sri testing) was satisfied to not use condoms because of my coil.

That's a completely different situation to the one that OP describes. Your contraception failed. Your partner would have known that any contraception is can fail so he's wrong to be annoyed with you obviously.

In OPs case, there was never a chance of the pill working as she wasn't taking it.

He should still pay for the child though and I think he should also be in the child's life.

Jacques, that's like saying you could choose not to get scammed by fraudsters pretending to be from you bank. Yes, you could choose not to share your details, but bring naive and trusting isn't the crime - the crime is in lying and exploiting that trust to obtain something to which you are not entitled. What she has done is fraud, but she's stolen something more than money.

You are a fireman and your calculation is £100 a month? I think you may have done it wrong and she may be closer to the right amount.

but it would ALL have been avoided if the OP wasn’t so keen on bareback sex.

Conversely it would all have been avoided if the woman hadn't lied.

This is not ALL on the OP.

And the child won't necessarily be screwed up by this. My husband doesn't know his dad because his mum refused to let him have a relationship. He knows that he has half siblings and knows who his father is so could seek them out now but he is not at all interested. Never has been.

You are a fireman and your calculation is £100 a month? I think you may have done it wrong and she may be closer to the right amount.

Isn't his first child taken into consideration in the calculation?

I think there's bound to be some raised eyebrows and even crossness at the OPs attitude, since he has posted it on a site for mums, ie literally the best concentration you could ask for, of people who have had to be bigger than this and long ago put aside childish moaning about what is fair to put their children first.

I think a lot of this is that men aren’t used to their ‘rights’ not having top priority. But in this case, that’s how it falls.

I've got to say I don't think this is entirely consistent with my experience. Most of the family men I know who are proper men put their sense of entitlement firmly at the bottom of the pack with or below DW, and far below DC.

I think it's the bad ones who feel like their entitlements have never been challenged, because these are the people who would not sacrifice them for those they love.

Also a genuine failure of contraception would have resulted in a situation where the OP didn't feel lied to and manipulated by the mother. His whole state of mind would be different if this was a genuine accident that had happened to both of them. Yes, he still wouldn't be happy because he'd be having a child he didn't actively choose to have but he would have been able to work with the woman and come to an arrangement without bitterness.
Of course the way this Pg has come about is going to affect how he feels about it. You can't just go through life treating people like shit and expecting them to suck it up.
It's rare that I defend an absent father. Generally I am scathing of the lack of force used by the state to make nrp pull their weight, but I honestly cannot see how any of this is the OPs fault, beyond being naive.

Surely women also need to take responsibility for their choices?

Conversely it would all have been avoided if the woman hadn't lied

This is not ALL on the OP

I didn’t say it was. You know, in the bit of my post you didn’t quote for effect....

Do you disagree that the only way you can be sure of contraception is to handle it yourself?

@sleepingsloth - Either in his situation or mine, the man is still putting the onus for contraception on the woman and not looking after his own interests as someone who “never” wanted a child out of sex. My dd’s father also claimed “the last thing (he) needs right now is a child” but was happy not to wrap it up despite pregnancy being a potential fact of life unless you double or even triple up on different contraceptive methods. I agree with the pp who said porn has a lot to answer for in terms of men being able to just come where they want and how much sexier/pleasurable it all is without a condom.

JacquesHammer

I quoted the part where you made it very clear that the whole situation wouldn't have happened had the OP acted differently, as though he was the only one who had any influence over the outcome.

Do you disagree that the only way you can be sure of contraception is to handle it yourself?

I don't disagree at all. But where is the judgement on women who say that they fell pregnant accidentally? Many women rely on only condoms and then get upset when they fail.

Yes everyone needs to take personal responsibility absolutely. But we all know that doesn't happen. That would mean that all women should be using female contraception plus insisting on condoms to protect against STIs. Men only have condoms available so they always need to use them.

How many people on here do that? So your stance would find a woman pregnant by "accident" to blame because she didn't double up or abstain? I look forward to seeing your posts on other threads saying this.

Surely women also need to take responsibility for their choices?

Being a mother isn't taking responsibility for your choices, it's just some assumed background task.

I think women like that are disgusting. It takes more than one missing pill to accidently get pregnant.
My husband has 3 kids we pay through the nose for yet mothers are living it up on benefits, rent free and using the money out on raz. The money he pays kids should be dressed in designer gear and want for nothing. Instead it's the mother who looks like a dolly bird.
Father's should support their kids but the system needs to be evaluated on realistic levels. It's completely wrong that as a woman we are better off financially being a single parent and having benefits and child support and living renet free than being with a partner and both working full time. No wonder so many women use men to get pregnant and basically have a passport to a cushy life

@iwannaseehowitends that’s not the case in my experience. I didn’t manipulate or lie to my dd father and yet he still had the hard done by/resentful mindset of the OP. I firmly believe this is because along with greater reproductive freedoms for women, men are able to basically abdicate responsibility “because the pill/abortion”. I am also sure this is partly responsible for the massive rise in STIs.

Sorry I hadn’t remembered the other child £100 pounds a month still seems a low calculation though.

Lam23

Did you not agree to have sex without a condom? Did he pretend that he was wearing one? So he wasn't really putting the responsibility on you was he because you could simply have said no.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop

I think what she did was pretty despicable if it is as you describe. It shows a lack of basic human decency

Agree with this ^ 100%. Women who trap men into having kids are dreadful human beings.

OP bear in mind there are some bitter man haters on MN so you will get some irrational opinions

Lam23

Your situation is completely different. Everyone knows that if you have sex evenwith contraception, there's a small risk of pregnancy. That doesn't mean that it's fine to tell someone you are using a method of contraception and then just not use when it significantly increases the risk of pregnancy.

Most people continue to have sex knowing that there is a slight risk, but would not have sex if they thought the risk was much higher because there was no contraception involved.

I look forward to seeing your posts on other threads saying this

Arf. Because you’re desperately trying to create a situation of double standards where there isn’t one.

OP bear in mind there are some bitter man haters on MN so you will get some irrational opinions

Yes indeed “always wear a condom” is the most brutal of man-hating sentiment