Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

If you stated you wanted nothing to do with your child and no contact, how can you complain that she moved away and visiting is impossible?
This is no longer about you but a child who was totally innocent and unaware of the rights or wrongs of its conception. Good that you will pay maintenance but I would worry about the possible issues with self esteem and abandonment that your absence in their life might cause.

I would have some degree of sympathy too, but only up to the point where they started expressing an intention to withhold love, affection or financial support from the child because it was unfair.

Might expect this from a 13 year old, not a grown adult.

MissB83

So if the mother moves away and therefore prevents the child having a relationship with its father, that is the father's fault is it?

So if the mother moves away and therefore prevents the child having a relationship with its father, that is the father's fault is it?

How did you get that from my post? Genuinely baffled now.

This happened to me-got pregnant by mistake-his ‘father’ did what you did-was 100% a top dad to his other son-and has never met mine is that my sons fault?is it he’ll-yes he wasn’t planned but everyday he wants to know about that Pratt and has even tried to find him-and had the door slammed in his face-bloody man up-the child is the innocent one in all this you choose to have sex so deal with what happens 9 months later I’m in no doubt mine thought along the same lines and it’s out of order how he sleeps at night is beyond me

I've gone back to the original post and seen that OP doesn't want to pay maintenance. What a star. Thankfully he won't get a choice in that.

How did you get that from my post? Genuinely baffled now.

Because you are justifying the mother moving away to get support etc. But in doing that the mother might be ending the chance of a relationship between father and child.

If the child is older and the father has shown no interest in the child then ok but the OPs baby sounds very young. The mother has already moved so she's kind of engineered it to make sure that he doesn't have the chance to develop a relationship. Do you think that is right?

Rainbowknickers

How did you get pregnant by mistake?

sue51
The OP says in his updates that he is going to pay maintenance.

Do you think that is right?

He can’t have it both ways. He can’t tell her he won’t be involved then expect her to hang around on the off-chance.

He told her at 7 weeks he wouldn’t be involved. He chose the path the relationship or lack thereof would take. He’s not a stand-up guy for all his posturing about how totes great he is.

@JacquesHammer
Biology gives you a 20% chance of conceiving each month.
Contraception gives you a 1% chance.

Massive difference.

Lots of vitriol here. It doesn't hurt to show a bit of empathy, we've all made bad choices in life.

The OP's mistake was trusting someone.

Yes, if you don't want to make a baby you should ensure you wear a condom. But it is still understandable to trust someone who insists they are on the pill and are allergic to condoms. I'd find it personally hard to believe someone would be so callous and scheming to actually lie about contraception. It happens (case in point), but I'm sure there are a 99.9% of men who rightly believe their sexual partners about contraception. The OP said the got checked out so the aim was just to prevent pregnancy. It wouldn't have been easy socially in the moment to say "no, I'll get a latex free one". It wasn't sensible to not insist on a condom, but I can see why the OP didn't do this. We can all say now the OP should have walked away, but this is very easy to say in hindsight.

OP - I totally get why you want to distance yourself from your role as a father to this child. This woman behaved unforgivably and I can see why you deeply resent being put in this position. I'd suggest giving yourself some time to digest what has happened. Please do think about how it might feel for this child to grow up not knowing their father. I imagine knowing that they have a brother who is loved and wanted when they themselves have no relationship with you could be hugely hurtful and quite corrosive. You already know that their mother is fond of twisting the truth and you have no idea what she will tell them about you. I understand you want no role in parenting (and why) but I really hope for the kid's sake you give some thought to changing your mind.

Nothing like a grown man punishing his innocent baby because his feelings got hurt, and trying to justify it by the fact he's actually being a father to his other own child as if that's some special feat of unknown heroism.

*Because you are justifying the mother moving away to get support etc. But in doing that the mother might be ending the chance of a relationship between father and child.

If the child is older and the father has shown no interest in the child then ok but the OPs baby sounds very young. The mother has already moved so she's kind of engineered it to make sure that he doesn't have the chance to develop a relationship. Do you think that is right?*

Well yes, actually I do, although the individual facts of the situation are obviously important. This guy has already said he doesn't really want to be in his child's life. To take my situation as an example. We were living in the same city as my DS' father for 14 months and he didn't really make any effort to see him (missed appointments, turned up late then failed to organise anything for the last 6 months). So now I have moved away to be near my family. I would happily facilitate contact with DS' father as there are good transport links (it would actually take about the same amount of time to travel to see him; just on the train). But he still doesn't want to make the effort. However the benefits for my son and I are enormous. If you're a single parent doing it on your own you need a lot of back up and actually more so when your child is young. My point is that I didn't move away BECAUSE I wanted to get away from DS' father, I moved away for genuinely good reasons, and maybe the same is the case here. Are you seriously suggesting it would be in the mother and the child's best interests for her to hang around living near to her child's father on the offchance he wants to show an interest? He's already been at pains to tell us how busy he is and how little time he would have to offer anything constructive.

OP knew he definitely did not want another child and yet he left all the responsibility for contraception to a woman he barely knew. That's lazy and irresponsible.

Should I cry to the police if my car got stolen, when I didn't bother to lock it? They'd laugh me out of the station.

Massive difference

Absolutely. Biology also states that no contraception is 100% effective (with varying degrees of effectiveness amongst type).

The only person you can trust with contraception is yourself. That’s irrefutable.

The only 100% method of avoiding a pregnancy is abstinence. That’s irrefutable.

Most of us accept we want sex and that comes with a slight risk. The OP took a risk (a known risk) and it backfired. He had his choice and made the wrong one. He doesn’t get another now.

DNA test first. This happened to a friend of mine. The ex gf swore on her other kid's life that the baby was his and he was paying support anyway but he got a DNA test and it was someone else's baby. He was floored, he'd told me before that she "wasn't like that" but it turned out she'd been lying through her teeth.

I think a lot of this is that men aren’t used to their ‘rights’ not having top priority. But in this case, that’s how it falls.

A child’s right for support from their parents IS more important than a man’s right to guaranteed ‘no consequences’ sex.

A woman’s right to autonomy over her own body IS more important than a man’s right to guaranteed ‘no consequences’ sex.

Put like that it’s impossible to argue with. But men aren’t used to being put second.

Your belief in your right to risk free sex does not trump the rights of a child to be supported in every possible way. It is irrelevant if a woman “got pregnant on purpose” it’s the risk you took when you had sex with her. Support your child!

Cross post Laurie

Some women don't know who the father is or they think they know, but are wrong. That doesn't automatically mean they are lying, it just means they are not psychic. A DNA test will make it clear to all parties.

“I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.”
This “I’m a great guy and want to improve women’s lives” is a slightly out of context admission tbh and has kind of coloured my view of the OP since reading it. He is trying to paint his ex as a Machiavellian mastermind who wilfully lies and traps men. No empathy for her situation, he asks us to accept that he made a mistake but he refuses to accept that she might have done the same for whatever reason. It’s all “poor menz” crap. As PPs have said grow up and have some self awareness particularly about the consequences of your more convenient condom-free ejaculation.

This kid is going to be really fucked up.

He took a risk but she is a manipulative, lying bastard who has tricked a person in to parenthood.

However, regardless of blame the op does still need to take responsibility for his part in this and the risk that he took.

I've not read the whole thread, mostly just the OPs posts but I'm with him. I cannot see that he did anything wrong - he trusted the person he was sleeping with and it's a sorry state of affairs when you be intimate enough to have sex but not be able to rely on them for honesty. If she lied then as far as I'm concerned the resulting Pg is all on her. She should not be able to screw him over financially. This baby will be grow up without a father and the responsibility for that is squarely on the mother's shoulders.

I would get a DNA test. You won't be on the birth certificate if you didn't go with her to register the birth. She needs your consent to put you on it, since you are not her husband. I would pay the minimum the CSA allows.
In an ideal world you'd be able to separate how you feel about the mother from your feelings about the child and she would do everything to enable a close relationship between you and the baby. But if she is determined to cut you out and just use you for money, then give her the minimum. This outcome is on her, not you.

I don't know how some posters get to the conclusion that you were not manipulated. Being lied to so that a person can obtain something you would never have freely consented to giving is manipulation.

CaptSkippy

If a woman knows that there are potential fathers then she should not pin it on one particular man until she has proof.

No justification for just naming one when you aren't sure.