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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 08:37

Lam23

But if you didn't want a child why did you engage in sex with only one form of contraception? Why didn't you insist on him also using a condom? And not have sex if he refused?

Did you not know that no contraception is 100% safe?

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 08:38

She is the only selfish person here

If that’s how you’re spinning it to yourself, crack on. But bear in mind years down the line it may very well change the way the “child who you adore” thinks about you.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 08:39

CaptSkippy

The OP says that she admitted not being on the pill when they went to a sexual health clinic.

CaptSkippy · 01/05/2019 08:41

OH, I missed that part.

WhyTho · 01/05/2019 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 08:42

Why didn't you insist on him also using a condom? And not have sex if he refused?

Because she was happy to take the risk I’m assuming as was he. You can’t take a risk and then have a tantrum if it goes wrong.

The thing is Decomposed it’s acceptable to take risks provided both parties understand what the consequence can be.

My casual partner and I usually double up. At times we haven’t. We’ve also had a frank discussion about what would happen in the unlikely event of a pregnancy. Fortunately he’s able to comprehend when we have sex I might get pregnant - and is willing to take the risk and the consequences thereof. As am I - the decision would be mine.

justarandomtricycle · 01/05/2019 08:43

I would either have to see my son less to try to build a relationship with her child

You absolutely need to snap out of this. It's not her child but your child. A child you absolutely should build a relationship with, and on an equal footing with your other child described as "my son".

What you did was you made a mistake and got somebody pregnant.

The nature of that mistake or someone else's part in it matters nothing given that a small person exists. It is dust in the wind, meaningless word, "moot". Set aside childish things like lamenting the unfairness of life, and own the responsibility, both financial and human.

Lam23 · 01/05/2019 08:43

Seriously!! “This women deliberately set out to get pregnant despite me being quite clear it was never something I wanted to entertain”
OP you’re still in denial of biology. The pill is not 100% foolproof you must accept this?! If it was something you NEVER wanted to entertain why would you rely on one method of contraception? Admit it you fucked up. I don’t want another child and so use 2 very different contraceptive methods and abstinence at fertile times. It’s pretty telling that you have 2 unplanned children by now! How are you still an injured party?

Rezie · 01/05/2019 08:45

Removing a condom mid sex without the other party knowing is considered rape in some places. I do think lying about birth control is almost as bad. She is being a dick and has put you in terrible position. The problem is that it's not about her anymore, it's about the child. There is no solution that would be fair for everyone in this type if situation.

I wonder if we can get to the point where people sign a contract where they discuss birth control, pregnancy and concent and can use that in court in cases like this?

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 01/05/2019 08:46

She knew at the start, at conception and now the baby is here. She is the only selfish person here

So basically, you're saying..
"Wah wah wah wah wah whlah wah... Mean nasty woman made me.put my cock in her.. wah wah I could have insisted on condom to protect myself but why should I? Wah wah"

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 08:51

justarandomtricycle

How does he build a relationship with this child the same as his first? He has the first child 50/50. This mother has moved away with the child too far for the OP to visit regularly. How is that the fault of the OP?

EmptyOrchestra · 01/05/2019 08:53

I won’t be there for her child

You mean “my child”. A child isn’t more yours because it was planned or conceived in a relationship. They’re always 50% yours.

I can’t fathom how anyone who’s already a parent can think this way about a child that they have created, intentionally or otherwise. Yes, women have the choice to abort - you have a choice about where your semen goes, and you know that this is the extent of your choice, so be a bit more bloody responsible.

Take responsibility for your own semen - unfortunately a child has had to be born for you to realise this, which is disgraceful.

When I used to have casual sex, I was looking out for my own sexual and physical health because I knew for a fact that men I didn’t know very well wouldn’t. Even boyfriends prioritised a marginally better sexual experience over my health, consent and fertility.

The fact that it’s not you who ends up with the consequences of an unplanned pregnancy doesn’t mean you can abdicate responsibility and then have a tantrum when it goes awry, especially when your only required commitment is financial.

No, I’ve never trusted a man I barely know with my sexual health or fertility because it’s me who’d have to deal with the consequences.

And again, you didn’t have to ejaculate inside her. After that first time, when you had knowledge of her allergy, you could have sorted something out - but instead you went out of your way to reassure yourself it was safe to have unprotected sex on multiple occasions because you evidently wanted it.

But sure, blame her, get resentful. She behaved terribly (if what you’re saying is 100% true), I agree. It’s not acceptable, but you are 50% responsible for this child.

This is nothing like stealthing, because you’re not the one who has to deal with either an abortion or a pregnancy and then raising a child. Do you have any concept of the effect of both of these things on women?

Your orgasm was more important. Own that and take some accountability.

justarandomtricycle · 01/05/2019 08:53

I remember when we used to teach young men that life isn't fair, things are what they are not what you wish them to be, an overly sentimental or duty-shirking man is like a chocolate teapot etc.

This mewling about unfairness in the face of what IS seems to be the creed of absentee or deadbeat fathers everywhere and it just devils my eggs.

Lam23 · 01/05/2019 08:55

Maybe she moved away to be closer to her sources of support because you refuse to be a co parent. We need more details. I really don’t get why anyone thinks this woman currently solo with her first, newborn child is having a whale of a time right now and laughing at the expense of the OP. She’s probably doing what she has to do just as you are. It doesn’t change the fact that you are the bio dad and therefore have some responsibilities. Merely paying a fairly paltry sum per month is the best you can expect out of this. If she wilfully plotted to get to this point, don’t worry she will be having a pretty rude awakening as a lone parent right now. Your vitriol towards her is misplaced.

Foxmuffin · 01/05/2019 08:57

Have the whole of MN never had casual sex without a condom? Really?

I admit it. I did. I never intended to get pregnant, was always on hormonal contraception and I don’t think the men I slept with were foolish nor would it have been their fault if I lied to them. The contraception didn’t fail (around 1%) she didn’t use any and lied! The chances of conception then become an unacceptable risk.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 08:57

justarandomtricycle

How much responsibility does the mother bear?

Is it ok for a mother to move away from the child's father so that they can't have a relationship? Who is to blame there?

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 08:58

Have the whole of MN never had casual sex without a condom? Really?

Yup. I knew what the risk was though. I wouldn’t have had unprotected sex and then been surprised to find myself pregnant because biology.

fudesina · 01/05/2019 08:58

I think you will regret not being involved in this child life. You won't be able to keep it from your first child and when he grows up he will have a very different view of you.

I think most of us would lose a huge amount of respect for a parent that did this.

Mistakes happen. Life is often not fair. But you have another child out there who will be asking about you. Every Father's Day, birthdays, school events - they won't be able to escape it.

justarandomtricycle · 01/05/2019 08:59

Even if she did all the plotting in the world, OP is the captain of his penis, not her. Sticking them in people can get them pregnant. Pill or no, condom or no, vasectomy or no, sperm count or no.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 08:59

I don’t think the men I slept with were foolish

Well that depends. If they knew and understood a pregnancy could occur then they’re adults. If they would have been distressed at a pregnancy occurring then yeah, they were foolish.

EmptyOrchestra · 01/05/2019 09:00

Maybe she moved away to be closer to her sources of support because you refuse to be a co parent. We need more details. I really don’t get why anyone thinks this woman currently solo with her first, newborn child is having a whale of a time right now and laughing at the expense of the OP. She’s probably doing what she has to do just as you are.

^This, with bells on.

MissB83 · 01/05/2019 09:01

This women deliberately set out to get pregnant despite me being quite clear it was never something I wanted to entertain.

Probably should have worn a condom then.

She probably has moved away to get more support. I recently did that, after it was clear that my DS' father didn't give a rats ass.

justarandomtricycle · 01/05/2019 09:01

How much responsibility does the mother bear?

A mother's responsibility. Just like the father bears the father's responsibility.

None of this is weighed up in terms of what happened before at this point. They are set according to the needs of the person that has been made.

EmptyOrchestra · 01/05/2019 09:02

Even if she did all the plotting in the world, OP is the captain of his penis, not her. Sticking them in people can get them pregnant. Pill or no, condom or no, vasectomy or no, sperm count or no

Agreed, but I’d have some degree of sympathy if he’d made a single conscious effort to try and prevent pregnancy. He didn’t, not one.

From my experiences I am sure some men think ejaculate is just something to deposit onto or into a woman because it’s hot. Bloody porn.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 09:02

Lam23

Sorry, no. The woman chose to actively get pregnant in full possession of the facts - the OP told her that he didn't want another child and yet she continued to seek to get pregnant by a man that she knew didn't want a child.

If her life is hard now that is on her. She chose to be a single parent, before the child was conceived.

And she has moved away. Therefore it is on her to now travel to facilitate contact. She should have thought about needing support around her before actively trying to get pregnant.

This wasn't an accident on her part. She acted deliberately to get pregnant knowing full well the circumstances.