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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 01/05/2019 08:02

Basically she's used him as a sperm bank with financial benefits.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 08:03

But he is saying that he isn't prepared to do the right thing by the second child even if it proves to be his child

Read the OPs updates - he has said that he will pay maintenance.

MissB83 · 01/05/2019 08:04

SoupDragon fair enough but I am looking at the end result rather than the beginning, he can't now turn the clock back but has to deal with the situation at hand.

MissB83 · 01/05/2019 08:09

Read the OPs updates - he has said that he will pay maintenance.

Apologies I missed that one, read the first few updates so must have been some way into the thread!

thebabessavedme · 01/05/2019 08:09

so this poor child has a lying manipulative mother and a resentful father - OP you need to man up, this child needs you, you say you are caring and a socialist etc now you need to stand behind your convictions, its no good whining now, the child is here, you helped make it, get on with it!

Lam23 · 01/05/2019 08:10

“You're obviously angry because she didn't do as she was told and have an abortion. It's pretty low really.”
THIS. All the “it’s not equal, I don’t get as much choice as the woman” stuff is bullshit, did you want to strongarm her to the abortion clinic? What did you expect her to do?
My daughters father is STILL angry at me (she is 4 and a half, he has had nothing to do with us since I was pregnant) because he felt “robbed of any choice” and “resents” me for that. However, he exercised the choice he had after the fact, which was to walk away- but he still on some level believes I fucked him over by not letting him dictate an abortion. It’s laughable to me that he still sees himself as an injured party when he’s never seen dd or even paid towards her (he was “focusing on his studies” and is now a “struggling actor”, so has managed to dodge the minimum CMA thresholds for years.) What a loser. 4.5 years down the line he is now lamenting that he wants to be part of dd’s life and I don’t want his abusive, immature crap anywhere near her.
This will come back to bite you, whether you pay or not. And you’ll become the guy who abandoned his child. Enjoy.

swingofthings · 01/05/2019 08:16

So we have one thread with a lady desperately hoping to still be pregnant after opting for an abortion with almost all posts saying how sorry they are for her etc... (and rightly so).

Not one post lecturing her how she wouldn't be in that position if she'd made absolutely certain not to fall pregnant in the first place.

Most posts here are lectures about what OP should have done and should now do, only a few adding how sorry he is finding himself in this situation and horrible it must be.

Women mess up: poor you, really feel for you, hope everything turns for the best and get what you want in the end.

Man mess up: you were an idiot, you should have acted responsibly, stop thinking about you, act responsible now and stop whinging, you don't deserve sy

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 08:18

swingofthings

Have all the same posters posted on the same threads? Otherwise it’s an irrelevant point.

(In any event using those two examples as a comparison is incredibly crass wouldn’t you say. Are you always as hard of thinking?)

CaptSkippy · 01/05/2019 08:20

OP, you and this woman are both idiots, but on top of that you are also an irresponsible asshole. I am extremely glad the child that resulted from this does not need to know you. Though I know they will have questions as they grow up and will always feel a lack for not having both parents in their lives, such as during graduation, birthdays and father's day. What you have done is unforgivable and you are not just to blame for the situation you have put yourself in, but for the future pain this will cause your child.

Try to use your brain from now on. Did you never get sex-ed in school? How can you be so cavalier about children and keep crying "But what about meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

SleepingSloth · 01/05/2019 08:21

My daughters father is STILL angry at me (she is 4 and a half, he has had nothing to do with us since I was pregnant) because he felt “robbed of any choice” and “resents” me for that

Did you get pregnant on purpose?

If you did, he has every right to feel angry. If it was an accident then obviously not.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 08:23

Did you never get sex-ed in school?

Apparently it told him sex no longer has any risk of pregnancy due to contraception.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 08:26

swingofthings

I agree. I was thinking the same thing about that post.

The double standards are awful.

Woman unhappy at being pregnant - everyone is sympathetic and discusses options.

Man unhappy - it's your fault. You should have thought about this before having sex.

Well yes, and so should every woman too.

RUOKHUN · 01/05/2019 08:29

Very harsh responses on here. This is very similar to stealthing, in which a man wearing a condom will take it off just before he cums.

OP, I don’t think you are unreasonable, but the truth of the matter is you have another child. I suggest you take it on as your responsibility as harsh as it feels.

Lam23 · 01/05/2019 08:29

@sleepingsloth- I had a coil. It was the first and only coil fail I’ve ever had (10 years using one except pregnancy). Her father with whom I was in a short relationship (both went through Sri testing) was satisfied to not use condoms because of my coil. Would like to echo all the posters here who point out that ejaculation=chance of pregnancy, as all 11 year olds in sex ed learn... it’s always a calculated risk. When I look back at my younger years though it’s kind of crazy to me how many men are happy to eschew condoms even with the growing risk of STIs. Pills fail, coils fail. Do we even know that OP’s ex got pregnant “on purpose”?!

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 08:29

CaptSkippy

Does the mother not bear any responsibility for the pain caused to the child? Should she not have to answer for a)lying and b)moving the child away and so removing any possibility of a relationship between father and child?

Surely the blame here is at least 50/50? Why is it all the OPs fault?

justarandomtricycle · 01/05/2019 08:30

You keep saying "this child", "the child" who you don't want to divert attention from your son.

No, they are YOUR child, in every way equal to your son.

You describe them as a victim, well it is in your remit to make them more or less of a victim, because you are their father.

You chose to use someone else's words as contraception because you wanted to not use a condom. This is YOUR. MISTAKE. Even if someone else was dishonest, this part is still your mistake. What the other party has done is not in your control, your part was.

The main thing you need to do here is stop whinging about how unfair life is, own your part in this and take responsibility for your new dependent.

Honestly a man who thinks that whether you take responsibility for children is conditional on life being fair, is no use to anyone.

Lam23 · 01/05/2019 08:31

Oh and I certainly wasn’t looking for a sperm donor to use. We were both in our twenties and training. The difference was, when I couldn’t go through with an abortion, my whole life changed. He got to walk away. I’ve rebuilt my whole life and I’m now with someone else and dd is a happy kid but I’m not sure why OP thinks that his ex has won some great prize by becoming a single parent (as she will find out, money is just the tip of the iceberg in parenting)

CaptSkippy · 01/05/2019 08:33

DecomposingComposer

I said in the first sentence that both are idiots. So, yes both bear responsibility. But I find the father's attitude to be particularly disgusting. Still acting like the victim, when the child is the only victim.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 08:34

Lam23

I think a genuine contraception failure is an entirely different situation.

This is different because the woman deceived the OP. She told him that she was on the pill (then admitted that she wasn't) and that she was allergic to condoms. So she was having completely unprotected sex against pregnancies and STIs.

Why is it only the OP getting slated? The woman has not only got pregnant but has also willingly put herself and her unborn child at risk from STIs yet that appears to be ok on here?

omione · 01/05/2019 08:34

Pregnancy is not the worst outcome of unprotected sex

Original poster
FP22 · 01/05/2019 08:34

I know what I’ve done wrong, I know I made mistakes. There are women on here that have criticised me that will have trusted in someone they shouldn’t, believed someone at face value, exercised trust over judgement or have been wronged in some way themselves.
This women deliberately set out to get pregnant despite me being quite clear it was never something I wanted to entertain. We were on the same page I thought and I was stupid. At 7-8 week I said I would never be a part of the child’s life. I didn’t say before hand let’s try for a kid and then abandon them down the line, I was misled and manipulated. Nobody has said anything that would make me think otherwise.
What I have got my head around is that the child, regardless of the situation does need financial support and I will do.
I won’t be there for her child, not only has she moved away but every moment I don’t have my son I work. I would either have to see my son less to try to build a relationship with her child or work less which I no longer have the option to do because I have to financial support 2 children. I’m bit going to duck in and out of a child’s life every couple of months, I personally believe that the fairest thing to do is have complete separation.
The mother was a child without a father and she has actively sought out a situation which would mirror her own past. She knew at the start, at conception and now the baby is here. She is the only selfish person here

OP posts:
sashh · 01/05/2019 08:35

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Who do you think should pay? As a taxpayer I'm funding lots of children who have fathers who can't or don't pay for their own children.

No one is allergic to condoms, some people are allergic to latex but there are latex free condoms.

Seriously someone wanting sex with out using barrier contraception should be a red flag to any man who doesn't want a child.

Sex comes with responsibilities, one of which is the possibility of a child.

It's no use stamping your feet like a 4 year old and screaming that it's not fair, this is a human being made from your genetic material, a person. Not an object,

CaptSkippy · 01/05/2019 08:35

Futhermore, I feel no sympathy for a man being unhappy about a woman's pregnancy. It's not his body. And a man slipping off a condom is far worse, since the physical consequences are all for her. It will never impact his body.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 08:36

Why is it only the OP getting slated?

Really......? Countless posters have said how badly she behaved. It isn’t an either/or situation though.

Nobody is coming out of this in a good light are they, I mean honestly?

CaptSkippy · 01/05/2019 08:36

How do you eve know she lied about the pill? Did she tell you that after she got pregnant?

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