Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

He can choose how he feels about the situation. He can choose whether he let's it eat him up or accepts it. He can choose whether he does as much as he can to be part of that child's life. He can choose to focus on what he does next rather than focus what he feels has been taken away. Its shit, but holding onto anger and resentment makes it shitter.

From what he wrote about letting the mother and second child go, rather than battle through the courts, it sounds like he is letting go of anger and resentment.

Maybe it's the right thing to do - not interfere in their lives. He could get parental responsibility and then try to assert himself over every decision the mum wants to make - that would make everyone's lives difficult.

Perhaps just walking away is the best thing?

OP I haven’t read all the responses but I agree. This should be a crime. If it was a genuine failure in contraception you should both take it on the chin. But this woman has lied and deceived you into a lifelong commitment. That’s not ok.

I despise and completely judge women who do this, I do. You see it on here all the time BUT there is no way around the fact that the buck stops with you OP.
You were NOT manipulated, you were not forced into anything, you CHOSE not to use a condom and any man who makes that choice knows exactly what the potential consequences are.

The one thing I have drilled into my children, especially my boys, from the time they were old enough is that the responsibility for preventing pregnancy is theirs. The most important thing they can do is to protect themselves. Protect themselves from unwanted pregnancy as well as protect their sexual health. Condoms is the way you do this and if you are ever tempted to go without you had sure as hell better be prepared for whatever consequences there may be.

Stop whining OP. You chose not to protect yourself. You have deemed one child more important and spurned the other. I hope you are prepared for whatever that brings you.

Imagine the response if the man had pin pricked the condom. That’s effectively what’s happened here. When Ive asked previous partners if they have had a sexual health check I’ve taken a view and trusted them.

It’s not ok to lie to and deceive people. The OP is innocent here.

I feel for the child.

Foxmuffin - you are confusing two issues. No one has said it’s ok to deceive someone male or female.

The Op is not “innocent” with regards to the pregnancy though. Contraception fails occasionally. It’s always a risk. Op didn’t even use contraception with someone he only knew for literally a couple of months.

Women always have “responsibility” for pregnancy so it’s a completely didn’t scenario. Men don’t get pregnant so feel “it’s not their fault”,especially when they have to cough up money.

But how many women post on mumsnet saying that they are unexpectedly pregnant? I rarely see posters telling them that it's their own fault for not doubling up on contraception/ refusing to have sex if the man refused to wear a condom/ if the condom failed then it's their fault for not using their own contraception.

FFS. That’s exactly the response they would get if they said
“My casual shag told me he was allergic to condoms and had a vasectomy so we had completely unprotected sex and now I’m shocked because I’m pregnant and it’s not fair, he tricked me!”

If a woman posted that, they’d be ripped to shreds - and it’s still not the same because the woman actually has to deal with the consequences of what’s happened. Everyone is very accepting of the fact that she’s done this deliberately but we don’t know that.

To be more detailed, the first time, we got drunk, I had protection and was in the middle of putting it on, we were naked and she said I couldn’t because she was allergic and I didn’t need to as she was on the pill. I trusted in that moment and then didn’t bother to question it after other than to establish that we both didn’t want children that she was pro abortion etc.

And then didn’t bother to question it - because you were having a lot of fun consequence free, condom free sex, I’ll bet.

You do realise there are quite a lot of things you could have done in that moment that would not result in a baby but still be immensely satisfying? Stop blaming her - you are as much to blame.

No one is pro abortion FFS. People are pro choice. I am pro choice, but could I actually have an abortion now I know what it’s like to have children? I couldn’t unless it was medically essential and it would destroy me. You’d much rather she did something that destroys her mentally and then goes away forever so you don’t have to think about it ever again.

You have a child that you seem to care about - how would you feel about going back in time and him being aborted? This is YOUR CHILD. Conceived BY YOU because you didn’t use protection or avoid PIV sex until you had adequate protection. You even went to the trouble of getting STI checks when you could have just gone to Boots for some latex free condoms - so condom free sex is clearly what you wanted. That comes with risks. Use your bloody brain.

*think the analogy of telling someone you have put on a condom and you never did is exactly the same as telling someone your on the pill and you never were. Again if the condom breaks during sex it’s the same as if the pill didn’t work because of illness.
For those saying about treating the 2 children differently. The first was during a relationship and contraception did fail, we mutually decided to keep the child, everything was decided together and we tried to be a family. The second was from something casual, I was lied to and misled. I was clear all along of my intentions pre and post pregnancy she was not. Now I’m in a position whereby I couldn’t be a father to this child as they are nowhere near me, I work full time and have my first child half the time and I have a second job. I literally couldn’t do it without being in a relationship with someone so whilst I have come to the realisation that I have no choice, morally or legally but to provide financial assistance despite the circumstance, I think that’s all it will ever be.

To those saying that by having sex you know the risk, no, I don’t think that is correct. Maybe 50-60 years ago but we both have options and I was lied to. I completely accept responsibility for not using a condom, that is a mistake but again I never tried to mislead anyone by my actions and I never lied a said for instance I had had a vasectomy and then got a girl pregnant which is the equivalent.

Someone said in here that if a woman went and got a sperm donation the father wouldn’t be held accountable. The difference here is that through lies and disseat she took it at source to purposely make me financially liable. That is not fair on the child, those choices are the mothers and she created this situation knowingly. Had she wanted a father in this child’s life I would like to think she would have done things differently.

I loved my ex who I had my son with, I took on everything knowingly and would do anything for my son. I refuse to be manipulated and forced to be a parent again, the mother knew the consequences, I spelt them out at 8 weeks pregnant and she has to shoulder the responsibility for that child not having a father as it is not physically possible*

Seriously, listen to yourself!

Was it deceit? She said once she was on the pill and then you “never asked again”. You went to the extent of having STI checks so you could continue having unprotected sex rather than buying hypoallergenic condoms, so clearly you wanted that to continue. She may have been on the pill but had to stop it - why did you never discuss it?

Be honest! You had an STI check so you that unprotected sex was risk free for you, and that if she got pregnant that was her problem and she could have the risk to her physical and mental health of abortion.

Charming.

The reason the responses here are harsh is your obsession with blaming someone else for a problem that you quite literally caused because you wanted to ejaculate inside a vagina.

You chose to have sex. You chose not to use a condom.

If I chose to get into a car and chose not to wear a seatbelt and the car crashed I could not claim to have been manipulated into getting injured

If you get in a car and the driver says, it's ok, I never crash, and my car has a new automatic crash activated seatbelts, and I will be upset if you don't believe me.
And you really really want to go where they want to take you, and no one will get hurt, and no one will know.. .

I can see where the OP is coming from (going on face value of she said I am on the pill and cant use condoms) . He believed her, why wouldn't you?. Yes it's a shit situation, and its shit because she lied

HOWEVER, you (possibly I'd get DNA testing) made a baby, and you need to step up and provide

The fact is as a man when you choose to have sex with a woman there is the risk that you will make her pregnant.
A woman is only fertile for a small percentage of time.
You have fallen into the patriarchal trap.
That which lies and tells you that it is a woman's responsibility to sort out contraception.
Your situation is harsh but learn from it.

Apart from the fact I never said that I was taking the pill etc etc, your situation is the same as I got into with my son's father. I have had a year of battling to get a very minimal level of maintenance, dragging our son to DNA tests etc.

YABU, and you are an arsehole.

What a disaster, poor kid.

As you've already established you have been naive but the mum is a manipulative and lying person.

Even if you were physically/geographically able to have a relationship with the baby I suspect she would make it very difficult for you.

Stop blaming her - you are as much to blame.

Bollocks. She lied to him in a deliberate attempt to get pregnant.

I can see where the OP is coming from (going on face value of she said I am on the pill and cant use condoms) . He believed her, why wouldn't you?

Gee, off the top of my head...

• Badically a stranger
• Chlamydia
• Gonorrhea
• HIV
• HPV
• Pregnancy

I mean, really?

He wasn’t worried about pregnancy because he assumed she would just “take care of it” and it wouldn’t impact him at all in the slightest.

MissB83

I think that's unfair to the OP.

The woman here has proved that she is a liar and not trustworthy. Why is he wrong to get a DNA test to check that she isn't lying about paternity?

Everyone is saying that it's his fault for trusting her in the first place. I don't blame him for not trusting her now.

Apart from the fact I never said that I was taking the pill etc etc, your situation is the same as I got into with my son's father

So, not actually the same at all then.

That’s not to mention the fact that even if he did continue regardless of no condoms (which is stupid), the chance of pregnancy occurring would be very small if he’d done everything the same but then just ejaculated elsewhere. Could it still happen? Sure. Much less likely though.

Sure, sex is for fun and enjoyment as well as procreation, but what do men think ejaculate is?

When I am ovulating (and in the proceeding week), I know that there’s a much higher likelihood of getting pregnant and act accordingly. DH knows that if he ejaculates inside me, there’s a much higher chance a baby will be the result, so we avoid that where possible.

This is not rocket science.

He believed her, why wouldn't you?

It was a casual relationship. Why on Earth would you believe something like that?

If you were having a casual relationship with a man and he said “oh it’s ok I’m infertile” or “we don’t need condoms I’ll pull out” would you believe him without thought?

Sorry, preceding week. Stupid phone.

SoupDragon entirely the same in the fact that two adults took the risk of conceiving a child and only one of them wanted to face up to it!

It's not entirely the same at all.

*MissB83

I think that's unfair to the OP.

The woman here has proved that she is a liar and not trustworthy. Why is he wrong to get a DNA test to check that she isn't lying about paternity?

Everyone is saying that it's his fault for trusting her in the first place. I don't blame him for not trusting her now.*

The problem is that isn't what he is saying. He isn't wrong to get a DNA test, he's entitled to do that. But he is saying that he isn't prepared to do the right thing by the second child even if it proves to be his child. That does not make him a good person. He can't stand back from his own bitterness about the conception to put (potentially) his child's needs before his own.

I find it interesting that a number of posters think criticism of the OP translates as not thinking the woman behaved poorly.

The woman behaved poorly.
The OP was very foolish in not taking care of his own reproductive system and health. His assertions that sex no longer risks pregnancy like it did 50-60 years ago are nonsense.

But then there’s a baby. Whatever happened prior to conception, the mother might be a damn good parent. So yes, the OP will be seen as the deadbeat. It remains to be seen whether either of his children will judge him harshly for that.

A contraceptive failure or accidental pregnancy is not the same as one half lying by saying they are taking the contraceptive pill in a deliberate attempt to get pregnant.