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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
Thequaffle · 01/05/2019 00:28

She sounds like a piece of work, but you had unprotected sex. She didn’t manipulate you, she suggested unprotected sex and you agreed. You should have taken responsibility for your own reproductive system.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 00:32

What relationship can he have? What can a court order? Can the make the mother move back? Make the mother travel back eow?

Skype, whatsapp etc will be of no use will they? The child will not know its father because the mother read out a whatsapp message or the father looked at the baby on skype.

No matter what you think of the OP and his decision not to wear a condom, the mother of this child is making terrible decisions too and you cannot say it is on only the OP to be responsible for them. If he is working 2 jobs how the hell can he travel to see the baby? The mum moved away. At the very least she should be made to bring the child for visits.

Erythronium · 01/05/2019 00:33

No, I'm a grown up, I know what sex is for. It seems to be you who is struggling with reality.

You thought sex was about enjoyment for you, but you didn't bother to think of consequences (apart from "she can have an abortion" - yuck) and now you're angry when reality has come up and hit you in the face.

You've got the opportunity to make the best out of this and have a relationship with your new baby and watch both your children grow up. Instead you're choosing to be vindictive and punish your child for the failings of both its parents.

I asked you already if you would do things differently the next time a woman you're "casual" with tells you she's on the pill. Will you wear a condom or will you insist that sex is about enjoyment and carry on regardless? Then another angry post to Mumsnet I suppose.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 00:38

You've got the opportunity to make the best out of this and have a relationship with your new baby and watch both your children grow up. Instead you're choosing to be vindictive and punish your child for the failings of both its parents.
So is it up to the OP to make up for the failings of both of the parents? The mother has no responsibility at all for her part in the deception?

And I don't see the OP as vindictive. From what he's said the mother has got what she wanted - a baby plus financial support. She seems to have manipulated the system to get what she wanted.

OP did you get a DNA test done? Are you on the birth certificate?

pallisers · 01/05/2019 00:40

You completely disregard one of the primary functions of sex is enjoyment

A secondary function of sex is enjoyment. The primary function is reproduction. Were you asleep during sex ed?

Go on telling yourself that the mother is responsible for this child having an absent father. But you know as well as the rest of us that the absent father is you - and that is your responsibility.

you already have 2 children by 2 different mothers who you are struggling to support and in one case have abdicated responsibility for. I presume you are getting a vasectomy.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 00:45

I need to leave this thread.

How is the OP an absent father? He hasn't gone anywhere. The mother has moved the child away. Should the OP follow her? Leave his job and his other child, thus becoming an absent father to that child?

And to tell him to have a vasectomy? Do you say the same to the women with 2 or more children by 2 or more men?

Would it be ok for a man to come onto this site and tell a woman to get sterilised because she has a couple of children with different men?

I can't believe what I read on here some days.

Original poster
FP22 · 01/05/2019 00:47

@DecomposingComposers I have actually made an financial offer to the mother and she has come back with she wants £400 per month and £2500 up front, the online calculator comes out at around £100 a month so I’m already having trouble.

I have no idea if I’m on the broth certificate but I will be ask for a DNA test yes

OP posts:
OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 01/05/2019 00:50

Enjoyment is not a primary function of sex.

do not feel like it’s father

But you are the father of this child.

Original poster
FP22 · 01/05/2019 00:58

@Erythronium your asking me whether I would do things differently? It didn’t feel like a genuine question. Yes of course and unfortunately I am left with a deep distrust in people and a mental block around sex and sexuality as well as bouts of depression.
I’m not an absent father, I have a 3 year old who is my absolute world. I will not remove my time form him in search of being a slightly more than absent father to a child I never wanted and who born out of lies and deception. I do not have the time or resources to pursue a relationship with this child, the mother has up sticks and left the area, I now have a gap in my finances, jeopardising what I provide for my 3 year old and I will focus on what I can get right

OP posts:
Walkingdeadfangirl · 01/05/2019 01:00

Not read the whole thread. It sounds like the woman is trying to screw you over. Get a DNA test. See a lawyer about fraud, do not admit anything. She may have intentionally honey trapped you.

We really need some equality. Some way for consenting adults to have sex without one being able to blackmail the other with a pregnancy.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 01:05

@FP22

I have no idea how it works but can you refer yourself to the CMS for them to calculate payments?

You would only be on the birth certificate if you went with her but you can apply to the court to be given parental responsibility which will give you a say in decisions affecting the child - if they can move abroad, medical treatment, schooling etc.

I really feel for you. Yes it was naive to believe her but I have no time at all for liars. And then to move away is awful.

Original poster
FP22 · 01/05/2019 01:10

@DecomposingComposers
Thank you so much. I wish I could just legally abdicate all responsibilities.

I’m am this child’s biological father nothing more

OP posts:
pallisers · 01/05/2019 01:14

I do not have the time or resources to pursue a relationship with this child

So you are an absent father. And yet you think you are not because you are not an absent father to your older child. All children need a father - not just the ones that suit you to have.

If only for your own sake admit what you are doing. Pretending you are doing something good/decent/normal won't help you in the long term. It is clear this new baby will be without a father. And that is your fault as much as the evil mother you were happy to fuck without contraception even though she now turns out to be a manipulative bitch from hell - funny how you didn't worry about that when having unprotected sex.

Anyway, what is done is done - feel for your children (all of them - explaining to your son that he has a sister you don't see will be horrible for him)

But for god's sake get yourself together and sort out permanent contraception for yourself and rule out you fucking over another child in the future.

pallisers · 01/05/2019 01:14

I’m am this child’s biological father nothing more
there is actually nothing more.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 01:18

@FP22

I'm not judging you. You need to do what is right for you.

I don't believe that anyone should be forced to be a parent, man or woman. I think you should have DNA tests done before you pay anything.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 01/05/2019 01:20

Thank you so much. I wish I could just legally abdicate all responsibilities.

What the CMS calculator says is all you have to provide legally. That's it. Your ex knew she would be doing this alone. It was her choice to continue with the pregnancy knowing that. No one can force you to do more. Good luck.

WhyTho · 01/05/2019 01:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepingSloth · 01/05/2019 02:23

I can completely see your point of view. This woman deceived you. You should be able to trust someone who is having sex with you when you have had a conversation about contraception. She was wrong.

But, I don't really agree with you not being in the child's life. This child is your 3 year olds sibling, pretty important. You may have to answer questions in 20 years time from both children and it may affect your relationship with the son you do see. It's not the child's fault that the mother is a liar. If I were you I wouldn't want that person being the only parental influence on any child of mine. If she can deceive you so badly, I would have concerns about her bringing up my child.

Sorry it happened to you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2019 02:24

I do not feel like it’s father and me and my son will live a far less confused life without any interaction.

I have a family member who has just met her brother, in their 40s. But hey, her father is already dead so he managed to avoid the whole mess. Confused, upset, betrayed, afraid. That will be your existing child if they find out later. They have a sibling, like it or not.

pallisers · 01/05/2019 02:24

I don't believe that anyone should be forced to be a parent, man or woman.

lovely. not the real world. people have stupid sex without contraception (including OP) and children are born. What should happen?

I sometimes am amazed at how stupid people are. This thread is one of those times. Like they think not intending or wanting a child will make that child disappear. eh NO!

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 03:18

pallisers

If a woman conceives a child (through a stupid decision to not use contraception) and she decides that she doesn't want to be a mother then she can choose to abort the pregnancy. I don't like the idea of abortion but I support a woman's right to have one, at any point, because that is better than a child being born to a parent that doesn't want it.

Men clearly don't have that choice. But the OP was deceived by this woman. He now has to financially support this child but no, I don't think he should be compelled to have a relationship with it. Particularly as the mother has made that nigh on impossible by moving away.

Why is it only the OP that will owe the child an explanation? How should the mother explain how she lied to the father and then took the child away?

It's a horrible situation and one that the OP didn't choose. The mother did choose it though.

pallisers · 01/05/2019 03:24

If a woman conceives a child (through a stupid decision to not use contraception)

Excuse me but the stupid decision not to use contraception here was the OPs.

the OP didn't use a condom. Can we lose the idea that only the mother was responsible for this child's conception?

The mother will certainly owe her child an explanation. As it stands with the OP the only one providing that explanation will be the mother who will be solely rearing the child . OP is gone. I know who I judge most harshly.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 03:29

It takes 2 people to conceive a child.

2 people didn't use contraception. Not just the OP so how is it only the fault of the OP?

And how has the OP "gone"? He hasn't gone anywhere. It is the mother who has gone. Moved away and taken the child away from its father and sibling. That is on her, not the OP.

Trebla · 01/05/2019 03:32

@decomposingcomposers

I've not made comment about the mother and her responsibility. My comment was about what FP22 can do now. I acknowledged it's a shit situation and not one he would have chosen but being angry and resentful isn't going to make the issue any better. And going back to the OP about forced parenthood, he isn't being forced to be a parent he is being forced to pay. If you are going to pay you might as well have an emotional relationship too. He is choosing not too as a result of feeling resentful. Resentment is not healthy and could inhibit a relationship with his child that could actually improve both of their lives. Many things happen in life we dont choose. How we deal with them determines the quality of our life after.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 03:44

He's not being given much of a choice is he?

She's moved the child away - what choice does he really have? Get parental responsibility? Then what?

She did an awful thing by lying and has made it worse by moving.