Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

To be fair to op. If the roles where reversed and a woman came on here saying she was pregnant, that the person she was casually seeing said he had had a vasectomy and was allergic to condoms and now it turns out he hadn't had a vasectomy and she was pregnant people would be screaming for his head. What this woman did was appalling, the right to agree to the presence or absence of contraception is a critical feature of consent.

If the roles where reversed and a woman came on here saying she was pregnant, that the person she was casually seeing said he had had a vasectomy and was allergic to condoms and now it turns out he hadn't had a vasectomy and she was pregnant people would be screaming for his head.

And would she be able to force the man to pay 100% of the expenses for the child? No, because that's not possible. And opting out of child support is exactly what it would be the other way around.

No one has said the woman concerned isn't bloody awful. But she's not here, OP is, and he made some really stupid decisions.

Tough one but you have made a baby and should take responsibility for that baby, you’re a father regardless of how you feel about it.

@MumUnderTheMoon I wouldn’t take that risk of vasectomy plus allergy to condoms. Too convenient. Too risky. What about STDs?

But also option of morning after pill for a woman.

Once the sperm is out of the man's body he can't do anything to prevent a pregnancy if he hasn't used contraception.

@SciFiScream

Why only casual relationships though?

In long term partnerships people choose not to have children. Sometimes 1 partner wants more than the other partner. Seems to me that no one has any right to trust in a relationship, going by views on here. The only way to be sure is abstinence surely?

And your other methods dont protect against STIs do they? How many partners cheat? After all, it appears that no one has the right to expect honesty from a partner. If anything happens by virtue of lies or deceit on the part of the partner you only have yourself to blame.

So double up contraception at all times or abstinence. Don't complain otherwise.

Never heard such utter rot.

You can't reverse the roles MUTM. Men can't get pregnant. There's no comparison in those scenarios.

Decomposing, I was assuming that the OP would be as keen to fight for this child as he was for his first one, hence travel. You seemed to think it's an impossibility because the mother has moved away. I also suggested other ways to keep in touch which you've ignored. There still doesn't seem to be any difference between his relationships with his two children (he's father to both of them) other than his feelings about their mothers.

He seems to be unreasonably angry that sperm in a vagina can result in a baby.

Less trust in a casual relationship.

I'm in a long term relationship. We double up and practice abstinence...just in case! So I do practise what I preach.

In fact once I think we used triple protection (coil, condom and external ejaculation!)

We have the benefit of trust though...difficult to establish in a casual relationship, especially about such important matters.

@SciFiScream I think you have completely missed my point. A lot of people on this thread have focussed on what op did wrong (and he was foolish don't get me wrong) instead of reacting to the actions of the woman who lied to him and (it would seem) set out to get pregnant no matter what this man wanted. It's disgusting. No one should be forced to be a parent when they don't want to be.

Erythronium

I ignored other methods of communication because, well, they seemed a bit silly really. Can babies use skype, whatsapp, facebook, send letters? Will they have any clue who is there?

I guess the difference between the children is that one has been moved away by its mother. Will a court compel the mother to facilitate access? They won't will they?

I don't think he's being forced to be a parent. He's being made to pay for the child, but not forced to be a parent. The woman in question has moved away, thus preventing him from being a parent.

being a parent is not just about conception.

If he didn't want her to conceive, he should have worn a condom. He can only control his own actions. We all agree the woman has behaved terribly.

The op has been incredibly naive and immature.

No one should be forced to be a parent when they don't want to be.

No they shouldn't. Which is why if they feel that strongly about it they should be avoiding PIV sex. Ejaculating so your sperm reaches a woman's womb is always going to risk pregnancy, even with precautions, so if parenthood is that much of an anathema to you, don't do it.

I think at this point I should say what this interaction has changed in my thinking

• I should give a financial backing for the benefit of the child and as Iv said will make every effort to set that up going forward.
• I will in future pay close attention to my own responsibilities in regard to sexual protection.
• I take responsibility for this child being born through my own mistakes and misplaced trust.

However

• I’m certainly not in a place to be this child father, financially/emotionally/physically for the reasons I have discussed.
• I am not going to divert the attention from my son.
• I will not keep contact, it will be a financial only arrangement. The mother knew this when deciding to keep the child, I meant it then and I mean it now.
• I acknowledge that the child is the victim in this. I think we both have a responsibility to acknowledge our shortcomings.
• I still have feelings of resentment and of being used. I don’t feel like what she did was right and I don’t think the consequence of which has an equal outcome for us as that child’s biological parents. But I see the primary victim as the child

SciFiScream

No one can ever trust another person 100%. That means doubling up on contraception at all times. And then if the man refuses to wear a condom the woman needs to refuse to ever have sex. If she does and catches an STI it's her fault because she didn't protect herself. Right?

Oh and @DecomposingComposers several of my posts mention STDs as a risk factor. If the op was on here about catching an STD and there being no pregnancy there would be no doubt by anyone as to what he should have done.

It always comes back to the individual being responsible for their own fertility and their own sexual health.

Condoms and abstinence are his best options to protect his fertility and sexual health.

I'm sure he can see the baby on Skype, decomposing, and he can write to the baby's mother and get updates. Do you think men with little babies don't keep in touch with them and their mothers if they're away for some reason?

Will a court compel the mother to facilitate access? They won't will they?

I'm pretty sure courts do exactly that, after all the OP managed to get 50-50 custody of his three year old son.

*FP22
*
I wish you the very best of luck. Your older son needs you and if the new baby gets in touch when they are older you will no doubt welcome him/her with open arms too...sometimes it's a long journey.

@FP22 you've hit the nail on the head with what you say in your most recent post. Look after your sexual health and take responsibility for your own fertility.

Good luck.

I am not going to divert the attention from my son.

You're denying your two children the chance of a relationship with each other by being so vindictive. Have you thought of that? Or is it all about you?

You weren't used. You had sex and the woman you were with got pregnant. It's what keeps the human race going. It's the function of sex, not your "excitement". You're obviously angry because she didn't do as she was told and have an abortion. It's pretty low really.

Yes I agree with you @DecomposingComposers if the man refuses to wear a condom, then the woman can choose to refuse to consent to sex.

If she goes ahead and catches an STD, well that's a whole other kettle of fish and will depend upon their relationship and whether monogamy is a feature or not.

If she can realistically expect him to be sexually faithful to her, then she should be able to have unprotected sex without risk of an STD (not including thrush I suppose?) so I suppose that becomes a difference conversation around fidelity and expectations.

She might expect that she had protected herself by having a monogamous relationship.

Same thing would be true of a man catching an STD from a woman he might reasonably expect to be faithful to him.

Or of two men, or of two women.

I have no idea how it might be handled in poly relationships.

SciFiScream

No. We are all individually responsible for our own sexual health and contraception, with no expectation of honesty from our partners, or we aren't.

You can't say if you are a man then this applies, but if you are a woman then that applies.

If men only have themselves to blame if a woman gets pregnant then women only have ourselves to blame if we get pregnant.

And quite how a PP is still blaming the OP for not maintaining a relationship with the new baby (and its sibling) despite that being entirely out of his hands I just don't understand. And skype? Really? You reckon the mother will facilitate that do you?

But I see the primary victim as the child

Your child, your child is the victim.

from your last post, you are not the worst, OP, but that poor kid. her father wants nothing to do with her but is an active parent to her brother. That is going to hurt. Still, when adults fuck around without contraception or thought for the consequences (as you did - and the woman you fucked) the real victims are always the children.

If I were you I'd get over the feelings of resentment and being used and start feeling ashamed of myself. it might spur you on to something better than your current plan of no contact with your child.

She might do. He obviously has no intention of even trying though. Maybe he'll be along again in a few years complaining about how she never let him see his child when he never made the effort in the first place.

How is having a relationship with the baby out of his hands? He can ask the mother first and then go to court second. He fought for one child, why not the other?

@Erythronium
You completely disregard one of the primary functions of sex is enjoyment, of which we are almost exclusively unique as a species. To put it in bluntest terms, this woman had used me as a sperm bank but with royalties. I am angry and I was used and she did so knowingly and manipulated me. I have and do take the responsibility that I made personal mistakes and should have used a condom but we were sleeping together on foundations of lies from one party and I do believe that their is an inequality in concent.
I find the mother to be responsible for this child having no father, I do not feel like it’s father and me and my son will live a far less confused life without any interaction.
This woman deliberately deceived me. The child in a victim and I will give financial support