Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

The only person you can be 100% sure of with regards to contraception is yourself. It’s really that simple.

You should always wear a condom, latex or not. It protects you from STDs. If you cant be bothered to protect yourself you're a berk.

That's for him to work out. He says he has done it before. He can decide if he wants to do it again. My point is that anger and remaining angry is not helpful, for anyone. It's happened. It's up to him now to take the control he does have and decide how he responds and what he can do to deal with it. My suggestion is that acceptance and balance is a more mentally healthy position than continued victimhood and outrage.

Oh dear.
I hope you learn your lesson op.
Your fertility is your responsibility and yours alone.
Surprise - some people tell lies.
I agree with JaquesHammer

I think the analogy of telling someone you have put on a condom and you never did is exactly the same as telling someone your on the pill and you never were. Again if the condom breaks during sex it’s the same as if the pill didn’t work because of illness.
For those saying about treating the 2 children differently. The first was during a relationship and contraception did fail, we mutually decided to keep the child, everything was decided together and we tried to be a family. The second was from something casual, I was lied to and misled. I was clear all along of my intentions pre and post pregnancy she was not. Now I’m in a position whereby I couldn’t be a father to this child as they are nowhere near me, I work full time and have my first child half the time and I have a second job. I literally couldn’t do it without being in a relationship with someone so whilst I have come to the realisation that I have no choice, morally or legally but to provide financial assistance despite the circumstance, I think that’s all it will ever be.

To those saying that by having sex you know the risk, no, I don’t think that is correct. Maybe 50-60 years ago but we both have options and I was lied to. I completely accept responsibility for not using a condom, that is a mistake but again I never tried to mislead anyone by my actions and I never lied a said for instance I had had a vasectomy and then got a girl pregnant which is the equivalent.

Someone said in here that if a woman went and got a sperm donation the father wouldn’t be held accountable. The difference here is that through lies and disseat she took it at source to purposely make me financially liable. That is not fair on the child, those choices are the mothers and she created this situation knowingly. Had she wanted a father in this child’s life I would like to think she would have done things differently.

I loved my ex who I had my son with, I took on everything knowingly and would do anything for my son. I refuse to be manipulated and forced to be a parent again, the mother knew the consequences, I spelt them out at 8 weeks pregnant and she has to shoulder the responsibility for that child not having a father as it is not physically possible

HBStowe sums it up well. If you were a lied to woman the responses would be considerably different.
It's sad but the damage is done and all you can do is limit any more harm by making sure that this child won't want for food, clothing, and warm, secure housing.

I ask this of other posters who say that FP22 isn't a good person. Would you still be saying that when he was pulling your child out of a burning building despite the risk to his own life?

I think a lot of women on here have come across, "I don't like condoms, I promise I'll pull out" Man. And I've known a few pregnant teenagers who believed him. But no one is suggesting that they should have no costs at all (none, like is being suggested for men) if they get pregnant. They might (maybe) get child support but even that is paltry.

Biology isn't fair. But it's mostly unfair to women. I'd take the risk of child support over what pregnancy and childbirth has done to my body any day.

Never trust a woman's word who's looking for a meal ticket. This one knew exactly what she was doing, I feel very sorry for you, fight her over every little thing.

I think the analogy of telling someone you have put on a condom and you never did is exactly the same as telling someone your on the pill and you never were.

Nope because you're risking money, they're risking injury and death.

She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine.
Indeed. Stupid is as stupid does

I think the analogy of telling someone you have put on a condom and you never did is exactly the same as telling someone your on the pill and you never were.

Can you get pregnant? That's amazing. Because if you can, then you're right, it's exactly the same thing.

I still don't understand your reasons for treating this child differently. You're the baby's father. Don't you want to meet it? There will still be a father in your child's life, he will just be noticeable by his absence. You don't stop being your baby's father by not being there. You seem to want to punish your baby's mother which is overriding any feelings you might have for your son/daughter. How would you feel if you'd grown up with an absent father? Is that what you want for your child?

That poor baby :( it's not it's fault

for that child not having a father as it is not physically possible

It is you just are not in a space where you want to make the choices to make it possible.

Would you do the same thing again OP, if another woman you hardly knew but were having sex with told you that she was using contraception? Would you take her word for it and carry on without a condom? Or would it be different now?

Because at the moment you're acting as if you had no power or choice in this situation when you had both.

I refuse to be manipulated and forced to be a parent again

But you can't refuse this. Its already happens. You were manipulated and you are a parent again. The law says you have to pay so pay or let the csa chase you. This poor child, your child has been abandoned by you because you don't like it's mother. If you allow her to have a relationship with your child while you don't she wins again and again every day.

I think the analogy of telling someone you have put on a condom and you never did is exactly the same as telling someone your on the pill and you never were.

It's not though as page after page of women have explained. You didn't have to carry the child or abort it. There was no physical repercussion for you. There would be for a woman. You're not listening.
I have no idea why you posted on mumsnet. I am out now.

k this of other posters who say thatFP22isn't a good person. Would you still be saying that when he was pulling your child out of a burning building despite the risk to his own life?

Fire fighters, police, military all still have feckless fathers, wife beaters etc in the ranks.

While I would obvously appreciate my child being saved in this hypothetical situation that isnt happening...

In the situation that is supposedly happening and that the OP is writing about, I think he's both stupid and a feckless selfish arsehole.

You can be both actually.

.

The analogy of lying about the pill and lying about a condom are not the same thing.

You can't get pregnant
The only person's fertility that you have full influence over is your own
A causal relationship makes it MORE important that you are responsible for your fertility and sexual health, not less
It's not just about pregnancy - you could have ended up with a serious STD

Lying about a pill affects her body only with pregnancy, lying about a condom still affects only her body with pregnancy.

It is not the same thing.

Please put some condoms in your wallet - a reputable brand, and have a latex free version should anyone tell you that they are allergic.

You have been naive at best and immature at worst - don't get caught out again.

Her choices are awful - her choices were compounded by yours.

Wear a blooming condom each and every time until you are in a position where there is a mutual decision to procreate.

I have no idea why you posted on mumsnet.

Because this is one of the places new mothers come for advice and support and the mother of his child might read it. He was probably hoping that lots of women would berate his evil ex.

Erythronium

Have you not read the OPs posts? The mother has moved far away with the child. How is it his fault that he can't have a relationship with the child? Did he force the mother to move away?

If he wants to be as sure as possible whilst still having sex then he uses a condom.

Condoms alone are no guarantee. I think any man not wanting a child currently has no other option but to abstain and that appears to be the only choice that men have judging by the responses on here.

Iv already said, I work every moment I’m not already with my son and the mother has moved away. I could choose to battle the mother for access to then let the child down by not being available. I do not want to divert my attention away from my son who I love and care for.

I have a massive sense of resentment also towards this whole nightmare. The mother has chosen this. I feel absolutely horrible for this child who is completely innocent of course but I feel trapped, I don’t feel like I can be a part of its life and I’m now going to have to work more, longer hours to be able to afford to live.

I believe there are things called cars, trains and buses which allow people to travel long distances, especially when they're going to visit family, decomposing. He can also skype, phone, write, email, whatsapp, send presents and all the other things people do at a distance when they're away from their children. Unless she's on another continent, then I agree it might be difficult. He could still keep in touch though.

@Trebla

The woman here has lied in order to get pregnant. Now she has moved too far away for the OP to have contact and work 2 jobs and have his child 50% of the time - how are you blaming the OP for not making the effort to have a relationship with the child?

Why is that not the mother's fault for moving away or for not bringing the child back to visit its father?

Do you really believe that the mother has no responsibility for any of this?

I feel so sad for the child!! The woman’s lies are despicable, but you’re also jointly responsible for the risks and consequences of YOU having unprotected sex!

You may despise the mother for the predicament, but don’t be an uncaring asshole to your baby.

And don’t be so gung-ho with your “casual relationships” in future

@DecomposingComposers I think abstinence from penis in vagina sex is sensible for casual sex encounters. Still lots of fun to be had though!

For anything beyond casual sex then I'd hope both parties would take an open, honest and adult approach towards contraception, pregnancy and STDs.

Beyond causal sex, every instance is another opportunity to check what both parties want. Unfortunately its very difficult for a man to confirm that a woman is taking the pill so he has to take ultimate responsibility of his fertility and sexual health.

Should a condom split then the woman has the option of taking the morning after pill, if at that point she refuses...it will be a nervous few weeks for the man, but at least wearing the condom in the first place gives him some sort of moral ground from which to be upset.

Erythronium

Exactly. Cars and trains that the mother, who chose to move, has access to.

Isn't that how this works? The parent who moves away is meant to do the travelling?

Or how do you think he can do it? Working 2 jobs and caring for another child 50/50. How much time is there for him to travel (not to mention money).

I suppose he made the mother move away did he?