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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 30/04/2019 21:07

OP, this is the consequence of taking the risk. You took a risk in trusting someone you weren't in a long term relationship with, that you could bang her without a condom. That was your risk to take. And you took it. She did a pretty nasty thing and tricked you, but ultimately... no one forced you to fuck her, did they?

Fiveredbricks · 30/04/2019 21:11

"I trusted in that moment and then didn’t bother to question it after other than to establish that we both didn’t want children that she was pro abortion etc."

So in your mind abortion is an appropriate method of birth control to counteract thr risk of you not just buying some latex free condoms?

You fucked up, OP. Accept that and own it. This is your mess too, quite literally.

And get a DNA test before paying for anything.

Rtmhwales · 30/04/2019 21:11

What I don't get is why, especially wearing a condom, you didn't pull out.

I took birth control in the form of an implant, could fake it, you could see it right there in my arm working away. My XH still pulled out because he wasn't ready to be a father. One of the few times he didn't, he ended up a father. Even with birth control life finds a way some times.

Rtmhwales · 30/04/2019 21:13

How old is the new baby? I don't actually think you'll lose much of your income to the new baby, despite that being your main concern. Unfortunately CM for your first will likely be decreased, which isn't really fair to him or his mother but works to your benefit.

TessieVanKendre · 30/04/2019 21:14

Sorry, haven't read full thread.

It's really not the child's fault.

She may have tried to trap you, but you still shagged her. And no contraception; condoms, pills or anything, is 100% effective. You must know that?

even if there was contraception, there's always a possibility of pregnancy; small yes, but a risk all the same.

Please think of the child, they didn't ask to be born. I always find it so sad for the child Sad

TheCraicDealer · 30/04/2019 21:15

What she did was shitty, no doubt about it. I can understand the frustration. Unfortunately these boards are paved with women (and men, although in fewer number) who trusted their partner and got screwed over, with no option for recourse.

What you need to remember is that your obligation, both financially and morally, isn't to this woman but to the child. Remove her from the equation, make the best of it and try to foster a relationship with your DS's sibling.

Like it or not your job will make you a target for women who want to do this- and unfortunately there are women like that out there. DH is in the forces and it's drummed into them to wrap it up- they also have posters up with all the salaries for each band and want the CSA deduction is, which serves as a reminder of what that moment of passion will cost you each month.

As shitty as her behaviour is, what's the alternative? Do you want to be able to argue that she deceived you and so you should be absolved of your responsibilities towards the child? Not only would that system be abused by a considerable number of men, but it would be a case if she said/he said and would be very difficult to prove to the extent that a court would willingly remove a parent and financial support from an innocent child's life. Stop focusing on her and think about the baby, because that's what's going to make this situation less shit.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 21:20

I would just like to say if this was 9-12 months ago some of the more hateful comments in response to my thread could have potentially pushed me to have not done the right thing, I said at the start I was looking for constructive criticism to challenge my view, not be trolled and subjected to abuse.

What in the ever loving fuck does this mean? If it means what I think it does then any sympathy I had for you has gone straight out of the window. Manipulative as fuck.

Also: women giving a different or forthright opinions to you does not make them trolls or abusive.

SciFiScream · 30/04/2019 21:21

Maybe she lied about being allergic to condoms

Maybe she lied about being on the pill

Maybe her pill failed (there's a variety of reasons why this could happen)

Maybe she lied about not wanting children

Maybe she lied about being pro-choice

Maybe she was deliberately trying to get pregnant

Maybe she was even deliberately trying to "trap" you

None of these maybes change the fact that you chose (in a drunken state the first time and presumably each time after) to have unprotected sexual intercourse with this woman putting her at risk of pregnancy and you at risk of STDs

The only persons actions you have control over were/are your own.

She has full bodily autonomy

These are all things to think about and remember the next time you ever consider having unprotected sexual intercourse.

You have to pay for the child if it is yours and also decide if you wish to have any sort of relationship with it.

VladmirsPoutine · 30/04/2019 21:27

Yanbu but neither is she. Welcome to fatherhood 2.0

QueenBeex · 30/04/2019 21:28

regardless of the discussion about not wanting children, there was a bit where you put your penis into her vagina and ejaculated without a condom. Now you need to pay for the life that has been created as a result of you consenting to sex

LaurieMarlow · 30/04/2019 21:30

I would just like to say if this was 9-12 months ago some of the more hateful comments in response to my thread could have potentially pushed me to have not done the right thing, I said at the start I was looking for constructive criticism to challenge my view, not be trolled and subjected to abuse.

So if you’d done something shitty it would have been other people’s fault? Nice. Hmm

Taking responsibility for your actions seems to be a recurring problem.

justarandomtricycle · 30/04/2019 21:34

Now is the chance for the state to seize your wealth and wages and redistribute it to someone else by law.

Now you get to literally live socialism and cam have so much more insight into it. Enjoy.

Original poster
FP22 · 30/04/2019 21:38

Sorry to any questions I’ve missed, I’m trying to read everything and digest.

I found out when we both went to get checked out, we went in together and they asked her about contraception and she told them she wasn’t on anything and then tried to tell me she hadn’t said she was on the pill.

My 3 yr old wasn’t planned. I had been with the mum for about 2 years. We then lasted about 18 months and we tried to keep things together but ended up splitting up under quite difficult circumstances. She then told me that she wasn’t going to let me how access to our son, we had a house together and I ended up signing it over to her to get 50% access with my son

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 30/04/2019 21:40

@DecomposingComposers

Well there are going to be some posters on Mumsnet who are very angry over their own situations with men, and are going to vent at the OP when it sounds like he's going to duck his responsibility. I think that's why some are saying things like the quoted example you gave.

The OP has yet to say how he knew she wasn't taking the pill; is he mistaken, could she have been and this was a contraceptive failure?

If it is as he has said it, that she confessed to not taking the pill to trap him into having a child, then she really is the lowest of the low. To use a child to manipulate a man in that way means she using two people for her own selfish ends (to use OPs own words about his own behaviour, maybe she too feels lonely and wants intimacy?).

Anyway, at the end of the day as adults we need to make informed decisions. If we take risks we have to then take the consequences. OP probably would do best by seeking support for the situation he is now in if he is struggling, so he can come to terms with it and move forwards.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2019 21:43

I trusted in that moment and then didn’t bother to question it after other than to establish that we both didn’t want children that she was pro abortion etc.

You were drunk but managed that conversation?

Sorry. Child is here. You're the father. (If DNA test confirms)

Pay up.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 21:44

I found out when we both went to get checked out, we went in together and they asked her about contraception and she told them she wasn’t on anything and then tried to tell me she hadn’t said she was on the pill.

She was a casual sex partner but you were included in a medical check?

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 21:44

I found out when we both went to get checked out, we went in together and they asked her about contraception and she told them she wasn’t on anything and then tried to tell me she hadn’t said she was on the pill.

Also, I assume you ceased all sexual relations at this point.

ShawshanksRedemption · 30/04/2019 21:45

Hold on OP you said previously:
"We even got tested together and continued to sleep with each other."

Then said above:
"I found out when we both went to get checked out, we went in together and they asked her about contraception and she told them she wasn’t on anything and then tried to tell me she hadn’t said she was on the pill."

Did you use contraception when you continued to sleep with each other? Are you saying she conceived beforehand? Was this not discussed at the clinic and pregnancy test taken?

snop · 30/04/2019 21:45

If you didn't want more children you should have made sure you used a condom. Casual sex without a condom, you are lucky the only thing Got was a baby 🤔

PortiaCastis · 30/04/2019 21:45

So you knew she wasn't on the pill but you still went bareback

ShawshanksRedemption · 30/04/2019 21:46

You knew at the clinic she lied, and still slept with her?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 30/04/2019 21:51

Lots of harsh responses and I do absolutely see your point of view. She did a really shitty thing, and yes, she’s used you... but your dc has a half sibling, you did have sex with the woman and no, you don’t get a choice on wether to keep the child or not.

But I’d strongly suggest you get a dna test. If it’s yours you should step up to the plate.

Original poster
FP22 · 30/04/2019 21:52

I tell you what this means, it means that people in this thread being outright abusive to me whilst I’m asking for help do not positively help the situation and a year ago I probably couldn’t have got the shit filter in place. Maybe a point to those people who respond to do so in a constructive way, that’s not to say that you can disagree but being insulting is never going to be of help.

I actually appreciate the well thoughtout responses, which quite clearly highlight the innocence of the child in question. And everything I’m saying is to explore my own thoughts and feelings, with the ultimate aim of resolving this constructively.

At no point have I said I’m not going to do this or that, I’m saying how I feel and why.

It’s quite clear to me now following all this that I will try to arrange child maintenance with the mother but I’m not sure or convinced in having a relationship. The mother knew that as a consequence of her actions. I also don’t believe that biology is what makes a father.

I struggle financially and I go to great lengths to be their for my son 50% of the time whilst juggling shift work/nights etc. The mother of this newly born child has also moved away so it going to be near on impossible for me to be a dad to this child.

OP posts:
OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 21:52

Hold on OP you said previously:
"We even got tested together and continued to sleep with each other."

Then said above:
"I found out when we both went to get checked out, we went in together and they asked her about contraception and she told them she wasn’t on anything and then tried to tell me she hadn’t said she was on the pill."

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 21:55

I tell you what this means, it means that people in this thread being outright abusive to me whilst I’m asking for help do not positively help the situation and a year ago I probably couldn’t have got the shit filter in place.

I still don’t know what this means. Shit filter?

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