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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 30/04/2019 21:58

so you would do everything for one child and fuck all for the other! Its not all about you.

Original poster
FP22 · 30/04/2019 21:59

@shawdhank redemption
We went on 2 occasions. The first time we went and got checked we went in separate. The second time was because of taking a blood test and she wanted me to go in with her because she didn’t like needles. They then went through all the questions and that’s when I found out she wasn’t on contraception. I left, a week later she was telling me she was pregnant

OP posts:
SciFiScream · 30/04/2019 21:59

I have RTFT. The majority of posters are being stern at best. It is really important for you to acknowledge your own responsibility and failings herein to prevent a repeat occurrence.

You repeatedly had unprotected sexual intercourse with this woman. Regardless of her flaws that was your choice.

The baby is innocent and any support you provide is for that child.

You need to reframe your thoughts around this to be more positive for your own mental health.

Some of your words, perhaps poorly chosen, are quite manipulative.

Good luck with the baby. I hope you can find a way to enjoy this new life you've helped create.

Original poster
FP22 · 30/04/2019 22:04

I disagree, people have been abusive, a number of comments have been deleted by admins. I have openly said I want to challenge my own thought and perception. I would have struggled a year ago to have seen through a lot of the negative and abusive comments to have achieved what I wanted out of posting here

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 30/04/2019 22:05

so you would do everything for one child and fuck all for the other! Its not all about you.

But that is his right surely? He doesn't want a child. The mother could have chosen not to have the child and most of us would support that choice. Plus the mother has chosen to move away. What do you want OP to do? Leave his job and his other child to move to where this woman has gone to?

How can the OP have a relationship with the child if the mother has moved away? Maybe she shouldn't be allowed to do that? Maybe she should be compelled to facilitate a relationship or do you not agree with it that much?

SunshineCake · 30/04/2019 22:06

Is the new baby a boy or girl?

SciFiScream · 30/04/2019 22:06

Oh and on the bright side you must be pleased to have very healthy sperm! Two unplanned pregnancies with two different women is proof there is nothing wrong with your swimmers.

Something to remember with your next sexual partner (if next one is female of course)

My DH and I play it very safe; coil, condoms and abstinence during my "fertile" time.

Brush up on all non penis in vagina type sex. You'll have a call back option for sexy time without contraception.

Oral sex, using your fingers on her, mutual masturbation - hey, you might even get a rep as generous sexual partner.

No condom no sex.

QueenBeex · 30/04/2019 22:09

You don't get pregnant by a woman lying to you, you get pregnant by consenting to sex, it's a risk with protection too. Just don't have sex if you aren't willing to take responsible for any possible outcome

DecomposingComposers · 30/04/2019 22:14

QueenBeex

Likewise women don't "fall" pregnant without having sex either do they?

Why are there so many posts on here from women about their unplanned pregnancies? Why were they having sex if they absolutely didn't want a baby? Surely they knew that it was a risk they took?

LilQueenie · 30/04/2019 22:15

decomposingcomposers it takes two to make a child. as soon as you consent to sleeping to someone you know the consequences.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 22:15

I don’t think there have been abusive comments. I think a few were deleted for troll hunting you.
People have been forthright, to the point and given there full opinion. This “I wouldn’t have been able to handle this a year ago” stuff comes across as very manipulative because it makes it sound like you would have taken your own life.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 22:17

Why are there so many posts on here from women about their unplanned pregnancies? Why were they having sex if they absolutely didn't want a baby? Surely they knew that it was a risk they took?

I mentioned my unplanned pregnancy on this post. The thing is, I knew that when having sex, if our contraceptive failed that it could result in a pregnancy. I still continued to have sex because I knew I could handle making plans either way.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 22:19

Why were they having sex if they absolutely didn't want a baby? Surely they knew that it was a risk they took?

They have another choice. Biology allows that.

Men don’t have another choice. Therefore they have to understand there’s potentially a serious consequence from their risk taking.

furrytoebean · 30/04/2019 22:20

My DH and I play it very safe; coil, condoms and abstinence during my "fertile" time.

Just out of interest how do you have ‘fertile’ time if you’re on the coil?
Do you still ovulate on the coil?

SciFiScream · 30/04/2019 22:23

I don't think I ovulate but I get the different discharge associated with ovulation...so we play it safe just in case! Unfortunately my DH and I are very (too) fertile. So we have to be extra careful/responsible.

Happyspud · 30/04/2019 22:24

Pretty shocked at people saying ‘she may have lied but the pill isn’t 100% anyway’. That’s irrelevant. OP may have felt very different if she had been taking the pill and an actual accident happened. This was not an accident and is no less horrific than a man secretly removing a condom and impregnating a girl. One difference being the girl has a choice. A man does not when he’s been assaulted like this.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 22:24

One difference being the girl has a choice. A man does not when he’s been assaulted like this

He still had a choice. He could have said no as soon as she said not to bother with a condom.

Happyspud · 30/04/2019 22:27

He chose to sleep with a girl who was on contraception. It’s absolutely disgusting what she did. Have you no empathy or is it just women who deserve it on here?

Marvellow · 30/04/2019 22:27

I agree with a previous poster. The withdrawal method isn't actually too bad as a contraceptive, when used perfectly is has a failure rate of only 4%, used typically a failure rate of 27%. You should read up about it.

Not sure why it isn't promoted more as a backup contraceptive (especially one men have control over) as when combined with another contraceptive the effectiveness would become close to 100%.

DoneLikeAKipper · 30/04/2019 22:27

My 3 yr old wasn’t planned.

So what happened there then? Another woman ‘lied to you’? Were you both using contraception that time? Did you not learn that unexpected pregnancy happens and that if a woman you barely know tells you not to wear a condom then that was a big no-no, especially when you already had one accidental child from an actual relationship?

Yet despite that child not being ‘planned’ you did everything to fight for him, why is this one different?

DecomposingComposers · 30/04/2019 22:29

LilQueenie

So presumably the "it takes 2" applies to women as well as men? So a woman facing an unwanted pregnancy would get no sympathy from you? Or if the only contraception was a condom and the man removed it or poked a hole in it - you would tell the woman that it was just her too bad and she should have been on the pill/ had an iud?

SciFiScream · 30/04/2019 22:29

@Happyspud he was not assaulted he chose to participate in unprotected sexual intercourse. He CHOSE that course of action.

He could have said no
he could have used masturbated
He could have procured different condoms for future sexual intercourse with the female.

He CHOSE not to do any of those things.

That's not assault. That's an immature choice on his part.

BrokenWing · 30/04/2019 22:32

I don't think I know a single woman who didnt want to get pregnant (or have a termination) who would trust and sleep a man they barely know who said it's OK I've had the snip and I'm allergic to condoms.

I know myself, I would ensure I knew independently sufficient appropriate precautions were being taken, especially when I already had one child from a failed relationship to support. OP, if she lied about contraception she behaved badly, but you were frankly stupid to take that risk of having casual sex when you weren't using contraception.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 22:32

He chose to sleep with a girl who was on contraception. It’s absolutely disgusting what she did. Have you no empathy or is it just women who deserve it on here?

Have you read the thread? Me and countless others have said she behaved poorly (if indeed the scenario is as the OP suggests). That doesn’t mean the OP didn’t behave stupidly.

As I keep saying the man gets a choice. Every time before they put their penis inside a woman. He chose not to wear a condom and still have sex. He made his choice.

Missingstreetlife · 30/04/2019 22:33

Listen to yourself. Nobody is pro abortion, pro choice- she made hers, yours was earlier. Maybe she manipulated but you should be aware of that possibility.
You are not a single parent, your child has a mother.
Stop the self pity, step up, you are a big man, you have a good job, you will be fine. Two unplanned children, take responsibility and don't have more.