Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

Firstly can I thank those who have contributed to this constructively, my whole reasoning for this approach is to get at alternate perspective not just go to my mates for a pat on the back and a cuddle. I’m challenging my view by asking for help and constructive criticism.

I think there are a few qualifying points to add/make. Firstly to those that have gone to length of just directing insults at me. You must never have made the wrong decision? You must never have used sex as a coping mechanism (after the breakdown of a difficult relationship)? You must never have put your trust in someone wrongly? You must never have felt lonely and felt the need for intimacy? You must never have had unprotected sex and needed to use one of the many methods to stop the end result being a child?

To be more detailed, the first time, we got drunk, I had protection and was in the middle of putting it on, we were naked and she said I couldn’t because she was allergic and I didn’t need to as she was on the pill. I trusted in that moment and then didn’t bother to question it after other than to establish that we both didn’t want children that she was pro abortion etc. We even got tested together and continued to sleep with each other. Until she told me she was pregnant. Everything then was crystal clear and I realise I made errors in judgement. An attractive girl showed me attention at a low point in my life and I went with it. I am natural more a submissive person and she was very direct and suggestive, it was exciting.

When I found out I categorically said it wasn’t what I wanted, about 7-8 weeks pregnant, it’s at this point I believe that she is making a conscious choice and where I no longer have a say, as much as have read the comments of others on where I deposit.

I can’t remember who said it oh here but that I was a misogynist, going around having sex for my own satisfaction. Women also have sex for pleasure and society has changed whereby women are no longer shamed for doing so. I don’t think women are just for the delivery of children and if I’m given all of the information by that person that they want just for fun, we were both, I believe in the same mindset.

Some of the comments have been particularly useful to me. I’m angry about what’s happened but I acknowledge that there is a life that needs supporting. It’s where my mind is torn that she made this choice but there is realisation. I struggle to get by as it is as a single dad supporting my 3 year old and worry about the quality of life I can give him with a 12% lose to my earnings but there is no perfect way to fix this or an answer that will satisfy all parties.

I would just like to say if this was 9-12 months ago some of the more hateful comments in response to my thread could have potentially pushed me to have not done the right thing, I said at the start I was looking for constructive criticism to challenge my view, not be trolled and subjected to abuse.

There’s no such thing as forced parenthood, unless you were raped and got pregnant and then were forced to keep the baby because you live in a country such as Ireland pre-2018 where abortion is illegal.

If you have consensual sex using birth control methods you have consented to use (not e.g. the case of a woman who is tricked into sex on the promise that the man will use a condom and he then doesn’t put one on) then pregnancy is a risk you take, whether you’re male or female. Them’s the breaks. You brought a new life into the world and you now have to support that child. Be more careful about who you sleep with next time.

it’s at this point I believe that she is making a conscious choice and where I no longer have a say

Correct. You had your choice and chose no condom.

the mother of this child is doing the difficult part of parenting 24/7, you need to do the easy part and pay for your child at least

I trusted in that moment and then didn’t bother to question it after other than to establish that we both didn’t want children that she was pro abortion etc

That’s an odd conversation to have with a casual sexual partner.

If you have consensual sex using birth control methods you have consented to use (not e.g. the case of a woman who is tricked into sex on the promise that the man will use a condom and he then doesn’t put one on)

Isn't that the crux of the matter - he didn't consent to completely unprotected sex. He consented to sex protected by an oral contraceptive.

Can I ask why the issue of losing 12% of your pay and struggling to make ends meet didn't occur to you at the point you chose to continue to have PIV sex without a condom? Surely it would be very alarming, even if drunk and in the middle of an encounter, to be expected to trust in the contraception provided by a woman you hardly knew and had no way of checking?

@FP22 The posts that have abused you are wrong, please DO NOT let them bother you.

As many have said, and you have also agreed, you were naive. However, your naivety does not once justify this woman lying to you. What she has done is vile and it is so very, very wrong. Irrespective of how long she knew you, you do not lie about such things, ever.

I understand you made your intentions clear to her, and that you do not want to be a father again, and she has then gone ahead to make a conscious decision to keep the child anyway. Unfortunately, she has put you in a situation you did not want to be in, but it has taken the two of you to get there overall.

Whatever her reason(s) may be for keeping this child, she does have a right. The tricky thing is, that you want to argue where is your right to then walk away as you never wanted this. The problem here reverts back to the fact you both took a risk, she has made the consequence of that risk now a reality. The reality is a human who is innocent and is not to blame.

Before you do anything, verify that this child is in fact yours. If she has lied once, it won't stop her from lying again. As difficult as it may be financially and/or emotionally, you never know what a blessing this child may turn out to be for you. All you can do is promise to do right by him/her. You owe her nothing, but please don't take it out on your child.

I wish you the best, as difficult as the situation is. You are a father already, now your child may have a sister/brother too. If you do right by both of them, you would also gift to them one another, and that is a bond I hope lasts the test of time.

Good luck.

other than to establish that we both didn’t want children that she was pro abortion etc.

Pro abortion?

The reality of thinking you do or don’t want a baby becomes very different when you actually get pregnant. That’s not to say the way she went about it isn’t vile.
I always thought I would like to live childfree, then I got pregnant with my first (contraceptive fail) and everything changed.

Your above reply basically all boils down to “I was in a crap place so I thought with my dick”. Yes she is in the wrong but you being lonely, recently out of a relationship or her being attractive doesn’t mean you leave your semen inside a woman and get off when she POAS and two lines show up.

How did you find out she wasn’t taking the pill all along?

@DecomposingComposers I've got to agree with @AssassinatedBeauty

If the OP had posted that he would be taking responsibility for his error in judgement, financially supporting and having contact with the child, and then went on to say how despicable the woman was, we'd all be agreeing with him. But when a man does not take responsibility, it's not going to go down well and that's mainly because women usually are left holding the baby.

Someone on another thread said this and I couldn't agree more!

Women are not cum dumpsters. Men don't get to go splurging their sperm into any vagina because of their desires and walk away without any consequences

I think it is too simple to tell OP that his son will now have the gift of a sibling.

Even if OP wants to be a part of this baby's life it will still be down to its mother to allow the relationship. Where's the guarantee that the mother will allow access to the OP, won't move away, won't be obstructive, particularly if her end game was to have a relationship?

I think the OP needs to deal only with the facts right now rather than dreaming about what might be.

Decomposimgcomposing.

I have never never never seen an op by a woman on MN just complaining that she was pregnant and thought it was terribly unfair (despite not using any contraception). Has it ever happened? They want advice. They get advice.

Look here’s the thing.....

To be more detailed, the first time, we got drunk, I had protection and was in the middle of putting it on, we were naked and she said I couldn’t because she was allergic and I didn’t need to as she was on the pill. I trusted in that moment and then didn’t bother to question it

You could have said no at that point. You could’ve said ‘I’ll nip off up the chemist then and get some latex free’ or ‘I’m sorry I can’t do this without a condom.’ But you didn’t. You chose not to and you’ve admitted yourself that it was a mistake and a bad decision and yes, we all do make mistakes. But mistakes come with consequences and this new life that you have helped to create is the consequence and consequences need facing up to.

This isn’t forced parenthood because you had a choice, you made the wrong one but you at least, had a choice.

This isn’t the same as a man removing a condom without his partner’s knowledge, half way through sex, like some PPs have alluded to because a woman in that situation has no reason to stop things progressing and has no choice as to accept the risk or not.

Ah @FP22, you have though posted on AIBU. AIBU is not a support board, you're going to get argument and quite strongly worded argument too. If you think and T&Cs have been broken you can of course ask Mumsnet to intervene.

I am sorry you are finding this emotionally hard to get your head round, and if you need support, I would look for a support board rather than a discussion board.

Great post @specterlitt

@ShawshanksRedemption

I shall have to agree to disagree with you - I think OP would have got the same treatment regardless.

This post kind of proves it for me

Women are not cum dumpsters. Men don't get to go splurging their sperm into any vagina because of their desires and walk away without any consequences

Anal, oral, masturbation, a whole load of stuff. I'm fairly sure it's not women's fault men think sex is only sex when inserting tab A in slot B.

Young women are already being pressured into anal sex. I don't think we should promote it instead of PIV just so men don't have to worry about paying cm.

would just like to say if this was 9-12 months ago some of the more hateful comments in response to my thread could have potentially pushed me to have not done the right thing

Stop putting the blame for your actions on women.

Women tend to not get drunk and go for it with strange men because we know out actions have consequences.

It's a funny one OP that's going to be raw for different reasons for lots of people which will be why you're getting some hideous reactions. Taking the emotion out of this and looking at it I would say - you're never likely to be that trusting again I'm sure.

However, I don't agree with what she has done, it's trapping if she has fully intended to deceive you, it's morally and ethically wrong. The law says you must financially contribute to your child, and the law is sadly not interested in the whys and wherefores. I don't agree with this, but unless you can prove beyond doubt she trapped you intentionally (which will be pretty much impossible) you're going to have to do the right thing, it's an innocent child.

You are not legally obligated to see a child, however take away the emotion and have a think about whether you would want a relationship with him or her if the circumstances were different. It's not ideal I know, and I can totally understand the feeling of complete injustice. I would get a DNA test to be sure, if they are yours you will have to pay, I'm not saying I agree, but that's the law.

Oh and fuck you for deciding she was pro choice so it's ok. No consequences for you.

Maybe she thought she'd have an abortion. Maybe she changed her mind. Her body. You had control of your body.

MyTaxiIsAlwaysLate

I've seen posts asking for different things - yes advice (as did OP here) and also people unhappy about their situation - pregnant with a young baby, pregnant after ONS, pregnant long after they had decided no more babies, pregnant having just started a new job... Lots of different circumstances. Yes partly asking for advice and also partly seeking sympathy for their situation. I still haven't seen them vilified for not doubling up on contraception and being told it is their fault for getting themselves into whatever circumstance they are seeking advice on.

Women tend to not get drunk and go for it with strange men because we know out actions have consequences.

Really????

@FP22, would you mind answering my previous post directed at you, asking if your three year old was actively planned?

And please don’t suggest that the reason that you couldn’t be bothered using a condom was because you’re ‘submissive’ and she was somehow taking advantage of you. She didn’t, like most men you just took advantage of any excuse not to wear one. Any decent man looking out for both people’s welfare during sex would wear a condom or go without. That’s just to avoid STDs even if there’s a pill involved.

@FP22 it obviously is deceitful and wrong if she lied to you about being on contraception, and I am very sorry for you if that's the case.

However, you haven't answered the question - how do you know this? Did she tell you? Did someone else?

(To other PPs, no it's not like taking off a condom secretly, that could give someone a terminal disease, totally different level).