Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

If this woman lied about using contraception she has behaved abominably. There is no denying that. Your baby hasn't done anything wrong though.

Hard as it is your baby is owed that money and you should pay it. Do you not feel any desire to know your child or for your 3 year old to have a relationship with their sibling?

Making a comparison with abortion laws shows a lack of understanding. Both men and women can make a choice about whether or not to have a baby. By law the point at which they must make that choice is different because of the difference in the biology.

Your choice was made when you chose to have sex without a condom ( and actually even with one you take a small risk). Sadly you took a risk and it backfired.

I am sympathetic op. If this happened to my brother or my son, I would have a very low opinion of this woman. You were painfully naive but she lied and manipulated, which is much worse imo.

But you are where you are, and no amount of regret will turn back time. You must pay for your child as it's simply the right thing to do, no question. How would you sleep knowing that s/he was in poverty while you turned your back?

Whether you have any sort of relationship is up to you but you sound like someone who would live to regret it if you didn't, and your DS1 would never know his half-sibling.

If I were you I would think of a regular day/time to see your child and never let them down. I would be above reproach, completely on the moral high ground, inured against any criticism she might level against you in years to come. All communication with her to be purely about the child, nothing more, civil but not friendly. Anything less and I suspect the guilt would eat you alive.

But how many women post on mumsnet saying that they are unexpectedly pregnant? I rarely see posters telling them that it's their own fault for not doubling up on contraception/ refusing to have sex if the man refused to wear a condom/ if the condom failed then it's their fault for not using their own contraception.

In the main the posts sympathise with the woman and tell her to claim child maintenance.

There are not reams of posts blaming the op for not taking complete responsibility for their own contraception.

Once the anger has passed, you should think again about the relationship you could have with this child.

I understand the anger, and would love to see her get some sort of punishment for it, but this could have happened even if she was on the pill. A child is a consequence of sex so every time you have sex this is a risk you accept.

It's harder to swallow in this case because of her lie. It feels like it's been done too you rather than just something that happened. But you could have years of happiness from another child.

Op, just for future reference, I conceived my dc at 45, having had one ovary & tube removed years earlier, and we used a condom.

Whether or not it is so in your case, sometimes Mother Nature just decides to have a laugh.

So if you don’t want more children, stop blaming someone else. Take responsibility & have a vasectomy - and attend the follow-up appointment.

Child support is not for the parent. It for the child.

OP, I understand your feelings of anger and resentment. That’s something that will take time to work out and I’d suggest some counselling.

But the new reality you have to adjust to is that you have two children. You love your son. You fought for him. This new child is also yours. They are a person. They didn’t choose the circumstances of their birth.

The government says that children should be supported by their parents. You don’t have a choice about that.

The choice in front of you is whether or not to play any parental role in the life of this child. You can be an active engaged parent, or leave them to be raised alone by a woman you consider manipulative and deceitful.

I suggest you reframe along those lines.

The OP must pay maintenance and rightly so. He should have a relationship with the child and facilitate a relationship between this child and their sibling. No one can force him to do that part though.

IsYourGoogleBroken, serrendippity and others...

You are suggesting that the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy are the same for a man as a woman and therefore as a woman has a choice (abortion) a man should have a choice too.

This is like the monty python argument that a man should have the right to be pregnant.

The reality is that when it comes to sex and pregnancies the experiences of men and women are different. It's simple biology. Women and men know that going in. They know what the consequences could be if they don't use contraception or if that contraception fails. Men know that if the woman falls pregnant it will be her choice to keep the baby or not.

Whining that it's not fair after the event is pointless, it's not fair that we get morning sickness and leaking boobs and stretch marks, it's not fair that some women's health is put at risk by their pregnancies, is the pain of labour fair? None of it is fair or equal, it's just the way it is though.

The baby didn't ask for a scheming mum and a deadbeat dad. The baby is the only one who hasn't made a bad decision in this mess and they are the one that will suffer.

DecomposingComposers. Most women take the responsibilty for their contraception, why can't men be expected to do the same thing? Wearing a condom is alot easier than the pill or the coil and has no negative impact on the wearer.

If what you said was true then that is a terrible thing she did, however it does not change the fact that going forward you now have 2 children. The other child did not ask to be born and it is partly your fault it was born. If you chose not to consider latex free condoms, then you need to accept responsibility for that - you seem to be in denial. You need to get past your anger towards this woman as it is making things harder for you and the child - consider counselling? One way or another you need to process what has happened, take your own responsibility for your part and man up.

@DecomposingComposers I agree with you. The woman lied, and the pitchforks are out for the OP. Total double standards.

Seems there's a lot of men not wanting to take responsibility for a child as there's another very similar thread going in active

I agree with you. The woman lied, and the pitchforks are out for the OP. Total double standards

It isn’t double standards. It’s facts and biology.

@DecomposingComposers the difference is that women in that situation are not debating whether they should pay maintenance for the child or whether they should have a relationship with it or not. They are usually discussing their choices, which at that point are different to a man's choices. Men and women have different choices at different points due to biology. That's not double standards.

sue51

I am talking about posts where an op says that they are pregnant with an unplanned baby. That might be because they used no contraception, the condom failed, or the pill/iud failed.

I have never seen it where 2 forms of contraception failed.

Some posters will say "you should have used contraception" but they are a small number and are usually quickly told to quieten down and it's too late for that.

I have never seen a woman berated by so many posters for not doubling up on contraception. Either it is both parties responsibility or it isn't.

Yes the OP here was naive to trust this woman but I fail to see how he is the one to blame?

If this was a woman posting that the man used a condom but it failed would everyone be telling the woman to suck it up, she's only got herself to blame for not using her own contraception and why is it only the man's responsibility?

No one would say that.

The thing is pregnancy is always a possible result of sex, and it's a risk you take - even more so when you don't use a condom. You could have insisted on wearing one and asked to help find a safe one for her. Afraid you do now need to take responsibility for the consequence of a bit of bad decision making.

Yes the OP here was naive to trust this woman but I fail to see how he is the one to blame?

The thing is, whether he’s to blame or not (she’s to blame for being manipulative IF that is true, he’s to blame for being incredibly foolish) there is a baby.

That’s the consequence. And therefore he has no option to step up and give financial support as the sheer minimum. He was at great pains in his OP to paint a picture of himself as a decent guy. A decent guy wouldn’t avoid paying for their child.

@AssassinatedBeauty

But the women get sympathy and people working through and advising on their options.

I have never seen people telling them that they need to suck it up and get on with it because it's their own fault.

The OP here could have been agreed with that if the woman did lie then that is shitty behaviour on her part, whilst explaining that he still needs to support the child financially. Instead he's been blamed for the lies that this woman told.

I don't think that he should have to have a relationship with the child either if he doesn't want to just as I would never force a woman to become a mother if she didn't want to.

Women can choose to terminate a pregnancy. Men can't do that but they can choose to not acknowledge the child, other than financially.

Double standards, if the woman lied and later told op she was pregnant and op said he wants nothing to do with the child as had been discussed beforehand, then the woman had the choice to continue her pregnancy with her being the sole provider.
It's down to the fact that men have no say in abortion and maintenance.
I know i will get flamed for this but he was open with her from the start.
If it was a man who lied about having a vasectomy or wearing a condom and the woman got pregnant as a result of his lie there would be uproar with calls to get the police involved

Would you all be saying that it's her own fault to a woman who agreed to have sex with condom but men took it off midway (condom stealthing is an actual crime) in a bit to get her pregnant?

@DecomposingComposers that's because usually the women are still debating what "getting on with it" actually means! That is just the biology of it, and it's a totally different discussion to whether or not they should pay for their child, or whether or not they should abandon it (which they can't really do in any case).

The OP is being blamed for his actions only. No one has said this woman's behaviour was ok, most have agreed it was shitty and an awful thing to do.

@AssassinatedBeauty

It makes no difference. The choices available and the impact of continuing the pregnancy or not vary depending on whether it's the man or the woman but the fault of an unplanned pregnancy should be consistent surely?

According to the view on here an unplanned pregnancy is the fault of both parties - both should be using their own method of contraception and ensuring that the partner is also using it too.

So surely as women we need to use our own contraception plus make sure a condom is used (or refuse to have sex). Unless we do this it is our fault if we get pregnant and we deserve to be told that in no uncertain terms - as displayed here.

It's a different question though. The OP here asked whether he should be paying for his child and whether he should have a relationship with them. He is asking to be considered blameless for the situation he is in.

A pregnant women unsure how to proceed is not asking about those things. She is already taking total responsibility for the baby, whatever decision she chooses. She already accepts the blame and is looking at how to proceed.

You sound really decent - you trusted her & believed you were both on the same page.
I’d take up the responsibility - it is your child and sound like they will need you in their lives if their mother acts like she has in life generally.
But I would get a paternity test to check. Don’t take her word for it.

the future upkeep and responsibility I don’t feel is fair in these circumstances to attribute to me?!

Whoever said life was fair?

I'm sorry but it's tough shit, no amount of attributing blame is going to change anything.

To move forward you need to accept that what's happened has happened and focus on what's fair for the poor little baby in all of this. They didn't ask for any of this, they didn't ask to be born, they didn't ask to have a father who doesn't want them.

You need to be a grown up and do the right thing for your child. That's how you move forward.