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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 30/04/2019 18:54

I don't agree that a man who doesn't want a child should be forced to have a relationship with that child.

A woman shouldn't be forced to have a child just because one is conceived. She can choose that she doesn't want a child.

Presumably the woman in the op thought all of this through, ahead of her plans to get pregnant through deception, and is sure of her ability to be a single parent?

AnneElliott · 30/04/2019 18:54

Just how do you know she lied op? If she lied about being on the pill, it's odd she's come clean now she's pregnant? Or have you just made the assumption now there's an accidental pregnancy?

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 30/04/2019 18:59

If Ireland can go pro choice why as a man do I have no say, I completely agree that a man should never tell a women what to do with her body

You can fuck right off with that one OP.

That is exactly what you are saying. You are taking the fact that women in Ireland have never had access to legal abortion and trying to compare it to the fact you were too dim to use latex free condoms (babies aren't the only things you get from sex...Hmm) and portray it as you not getting a fair say.

No access to abortion and being legally compelled to be an incubator for 9 months is forced. You thinking with your willy first is not.

Get a DNA test, grow the fuck up and start being this stand up parent you're bleating that you are.

Wheresmyvagina · 30/04/2019 19:05

Nobody can force the man to have a relationship with the baby but he should be forced to pay to support it.

IsYourGoogleBroken · 30/04/2019 19:06

THE OP IS RIGHT

Sorry about the caps - I just wanted my lone voice to heard.

I'm pro choice - the mother had the choice to continue with the pregnancy - and rightly so. But having done that, all the post pregnancy choice is hers and hers alone.

Hypothetically she could put the baby up for adoption and wash her hands of any legal responsibility, and there would be nothing the father could do about that. Actually I think men should also be able to sign away their legal rights in the same way a woman can. That would be fair and equitable.

For these that say a child deserves two loving parents, ideally I agree, but in this instance forcing a father to see a child, it would lead to resentment and the child would suffer.

SerenDippitty · 30/04/2019 19:06

I am just wondering whether, if there was such a thing as a male pull and a woman had posted on here saying she was pregnant after having sex with a man who swore he was on the pill and couldn’t use condoms, whether people would have been saying “you shouldn’t have had sex should you?” or calling the man every name under the sun?

AvengersAssemble · 30/04/2019 19:06

Your not naive so stop pretending to be, and I very much doubt any conversation arose between you both about not wanting children, before you had sex.

We only have your word she told you this, just like she could come on here and say he told me he wanted kids!

It makes not an ounce of difference if you feel you should not have to pay, and if the DNA tests prove you are, then accept it and treat both your DC equally,

Nicknacky · 30/04/2019 19:07

I don’t think many people are saying he should be having a relationship with his child but he should be financially supporting it!!

HotChocolateLover · 30/04/2019 19:08

OP, you’re a knob quite frankly. You’re giving rubbish excuses as to why you shouldn’t man up and face your responsibilities. You were happy to have your jollies, no-one forced you to have sex so now you have to face up to the reality. I have got literally no sympathy. This is the exact reason why you shouldn’t Have unprotected sex with someone you barely know.

SabbyNabs · 30/04/2019 19:09

I agree with you. Sadly I know 2 women that have done this. The trickery and dishonesty is disgusting. This is mumsnet though, the male will always be in the wrong.

EnglishRose13 · 30/04/2019 19:09

@Nicknacky

I could give you all the excuses that the family use but the reality is that he just didn't want her. He's a high flyer and his career has always come first.

She's 19 now and all alone. I'm the only family that talks to her regularly.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 19:10

This is mumsnet though, the male will always be in the wrong

When that involves not wishing to pay for your child, absolutely they’re in the wrong.

Barbie222 · 30/04/2019 19:11

A random told you she was on the pill and you believed her?

You should pay, and you should bring up your sons to know better!

swingofthings · 30/04/2019 19:11

Considering OP hasn't been back to defend himself, I'm starting to wonder if it isn't the girlfriend of the supposed trapped man posting hoping to see posts to velify the woman.

JustCallMeSliths · 30/04/2019 19:11

You had sex. You had a baby. Whether you were niave or not you now have a child you are partly responsible for. Whether or not the woman lied isn't really the point because she could have been on the pill and still got pregnant.

Get a DNA, stop whining and pay for him.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 19:12

One of the reasons up take of a male pill would be low/wouldn’t work is -

taking the pill = impact on man’s health
not taking the pill/taking it incorrectly = no impact on the man’s health

taking the pill = impact on woman’s health
not taking the pill/taking it incorrectly = impact on woman’s health

DecomposingComposers · 30/04/2019 19:12

I agree he should be supporting it financially (even though what the woman did is disgusting).

Plenty of posters saying that he should have a relationship, treat the children equally, think about what will happen in 18 years when the child turns up on his doorstep.

I don't think that anyone should be forced to be a parent if they don't want to be.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 19:13

Sadly I know 2 women that have done this

That’s terrible. Did they admit it?

Wheresmyvagina · 30/04/2019 19:14

Hypothetically she could put the baby up for adoption and wash her hands of any legal responsibility, and there would be nothing the father could do about that

That's completely false - unless the father didn't know that she was pregnant, in which case the rights issue is moot. A mother cannot relinquish a baby for adoption against the father's wishes.

SciFiScream · 30/04/2019 19:16

You have been so incredibly naive. It's like a script. "yes I'm on the pill and I'm allergic to condoms".

You thought something along the lines "ok I'll have unprotected sex with her"

Me? I'd think "hmmm this is a bit risky, must consider my options"

You made a choice to have unprotected sexual intercourse.

She has full bodily autonomy

You have to live with your choice to have unprotected sex.

You have to ensure the child is yours and if it is pay for the child.

Nicknacky · 30/04/2019 19:18

English How sad and thank you for your honest answer.

Juanaiguana · 30/04/2019 19:21

I don't agree that a man who doesn't want a child should be forced to have a relationship with that child

A woman shouldn't be forced to have a child just because one is conceived. She can choose that she doesn't want a child

Presumably the woman in the op thought all of this through, ahead of her plans to get pregnant through deception, and is sure of her ability to be a single parent?

I completely agree

SabbyNabs · 30/04/2019 19:22

@OVAgroundWOMBlingfree Yes. They were quite open about it. Shame that was when they only decided to be honest. I felt, and still do, very sorry for the guys involved.

@JacquesHammer The woman that was deceitful is the one in the wrong.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 19:23

The woman that was deceitful is the one in the wrong

Nobody has said she wasn’t Confused

However the OP had his moment of choice. He chose to have sex without using a condom. It’s too late now to plead how unfair it is when he could have prevented the situation occurring.

sue51 · 30/04/2019 19:25

IsYourGoogleBroken I hardly think going full term and handing over your baby is in any way as easy as a man saying I don't want any responsibility for this child. Hardly the same emotional and physical impact for him.

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