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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 18:29

I don't understand anyone defending her (on here or in your real life)

Nobody has on here.

They’ve defended the rights of the child robustly though.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2019 18:30

If you do not want children you have 3 options - no sex (that's guaranteed to work) - sex with post menopausal women (pretty safe too as long as you're sure) - have the snip (pretty safe)

Anal, oral, masturbation, a whole load of stuff. I'm fairly sure it's not women's fault men think sex is only sex when inserting tab A in slot B.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 18:30

I do feel there should be some protection for men in situations like this.

How would that work practically? How would you stop men saying women had lied about taking their contraception when it was actually a fail?

AvengersAssemble · 30/04/2019 18:31

What's you being a Firefighter got to do with anything? Perhaps you should of put a non latex condom on your hose so not to be in this position.

You could of said no, not had sex, but you never. So get things sorted. Why should the innocent little baby caught up in the middle of this suffer because of 2 selfish parents?

AssassinatedBeauty · 30/04/2019 18:32

No one is defending the woman. The OP asked about his decision not to pay for or contact the child at all. That's what people are responding to. In fact the majority have said that what she did was shitty. Which it is. But so is refusing to acknowledge or support your child.

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/04/2019 18:33

Sorry but child support is for the child. Why should the child suffer because their mother lied about contraception/or it wasn’t effective and their father didn’t take precautions. The child never asked to be born or bought into this.

I also find it cold the way you could turn your back on your child when you already have one who you have 50/50 custody of. Imagine how your other child feels- daddy could be bothered with his other kid but doesn’t even send me a birthday card.

TheInvestigator · 30/04/2019 18:35

What she did is made ever worse by the fact that there is already a child who relies on the OP. That child will now have the resources available for his support reduced so that this new child gets maintenance.

Every Xmas, every birthday, every holiday, every school trip, every sports club or event... everything that costs money... The OP will be left with the thought "I could afford an extra if I didn't need to pay this maintenance".

It will have a lasting affect on the child he has already and it's not fair.

However, this new child still exists and is your responsibility. There's no getting away from that. You had sex without securing your own contraception. Her lieing makes the anger and injustice you feel completely understandable, but there's just no way around paying for the kid.

I would still want to sue her for something though! Even though it's totally not possible

melissasummerfield · 30/04/2019 18:35

Theres no doubt that this woman is a total scumbag, however what i find really hard to understand that you know that there is a child out there that is 50% you and you have no interest in him / her Hmm

OldUnit · 30/04/2019 18:36

Is she due very soon, OP?

afterashowerr · 30/04/2019 18:37

Gosh, poor man who willingly had sex having to pay for his own child's upbringing. Imagine all the women in the world that are , trapped in abusive relationships, married off young etc saying " I don't think this was fair I don't want to bring up my own child"

Wheresmyvagina · 30/04/2019 18:38

She was very wrong and deceitful to lie about being on the pill.
You should have taken steps to ensure that your sperm got nowhere near her eggs.

Both of those statements are true. Regardless of what she told you; you took a risk. You took the risk of trusting her and it didn't pay off. It was a risk, and the responsibility for taking it lies 100% with you. Now the child is here and needs supporting so you had better support it.

EmptyOrchestra · 30/04/2019 18:40

So to be made responsible doesn’t fee equal to me.

That’s because it’s not equal. She had to either have an abortion or a pregnancy and birth. And now she’s a single parent, because you didn’t take responsibility for your own semen. Can’t stand to RTFT

STOP HAVING SEX WITHOUT PROTECTION. If she is allergic to condoms, you get hypoallergenic ones or you don’t have penetrative sex. This is not difficult. You didn’t protect yourself. I’m guessing you were secretly quite pleased to have some no strings bareback fun - this is the consequence of that.

You’ve decided that an innocent child is nothing to do with you. A child that’s just as much yours as your existing child. Your only responsibility is financial and you think it’s unfair. Grow up!

EnglishRose13 · 30/04/2019 18:41

My brother in law was in a similar situation.

His daughter was put into care, as her mum didn't actually want a child, she wanted a financial tie to my BIL, and she now lives miles away from any family.

She's had an awful life. She feels like no one has ever wanted her. It's absolutely awful.

SinkGirl · 30/04/2019 18:42

If the sexes were the other way around the man would be VILIFIED!

OP “the guy I’m having no strings sex with told me he’d had a vasectomy and I believed him and now I’m pregnant”

Imagine it. She’d be criticised too for trusting a near stranger with her fertility and not taking measures to protect herself.

DoneLikeAKipper · 30/04/2019 18:43

@FP22, how did your first child come about? The fact he’s only three and you had to fight his mother for joint custody suggests that relationship broke down very early in his life. Was that a relationship where you both decided to try for a baby or another accident?

Nicknacky · 30/04/2019 18:44

english Why didn’t she live with your brother in law?

Figgygal · 30/04/2019 18:45

She was deplorable in what she's done if it's truly reflective of your post but there's nothing you can do now about it . It's a harsh life long lesson

Assuming the baby is yours you need to find a way to support the baby (not necessarily her) and be there for it in same way you are for your other child.

Harriedharriet · 30/04/2019 18:45

OP - how would you have answered any of these questions from the woman who tricked you that you did not know very well?

"Give me that $1,000.00 cash & I will look after it for you".
"Give me your car - I will bring it back soon back".
"Can I stay in your house for a while- I am between places?"
Can you loan me 100.00 until payday?"

"Don't worry about condom - I take the pill......"

hdh747 · 30/04/2019 18:46

Oh wow, she behaved appallingly and you have every right to be angry. You were probably naive in believing her, but not every woman who is ever naive gets zero sympathy. If a little old lady gets conned out of her life savings would people have no sympathy because, 'she should have known better'?
But for all that, please think of the child, and also think about what will make you a decent human being, if you try to turn your back now I think everyone will ulitmately suffer, and legally you won't be able to anyway.

specterlitt · 30/04/2019 18:47

Could you please explain how you justify in your mind that you can and will be responsible for one child but not the other?

No one is ever going to say what the woman in question did was honourable, it is not. Nonetheless, contraception is not always 100% effective and there are extra precautions that two people can take to avoid such circumstances.

Whether you want to accept it or not, that child is yours (providing you do do a DNA test), and that child is not at fault for the ignorance of both you and his/her mother.

You are an adult, and if you had any shred of decency, whether you agree with how the pregnancy happened or not, you would take responsibility for this child.

That would be a true test to your character and whether or not you're a "flaky father".

PortiaCastis · 30/04/2019 18:47

EnglishRose why doesn't your bil take care of his child, seems odd that he'd let her be in care and have an awful life

TheInvestigator · 30/04/2019 18:49

@EmptyOrchestra

She had a pregnancy and birth because she WANTED a baby, so tricked her way into getting one. She wasn't forced to go through that because of his failings, which is what you're saying.

It's still his responsibility. But she lied and got pregnant on the sly because she wanted a baby, so it's not correct or fair to say she suffered more due to pregnant and childbirth. She wanted that. He didn't. She lied. He didn't.

Still his job to pay though.

AngelsSins · 30/04/2019 18:49

So if a woman, who is not using any form of contraception, has unprotected sex with a man she hardly knows, who says he’s allergic to condoms, but that it’s ok because he’s infertile, and then she gets pregnant, has she been tricked? Should she be able to sue him? Would you blame him 100% or would you say she’d been stupid? Would she have no responsibility towards the child?

Come on! You know how it works, this isn’t your first child. You had unprotected sex with a stranger. Yes, she was wrong to lie, 100%, but do you always believe everything strangers tell you? Of course not. You wanted sex, and now it’s time you grew up and took responsibility for your choices.

Wheresmyvagina · 30/04/2019 18:49

*If a little old lady gets conned out of her life savings would people have no sympathy because, 'she should have known better'?i

If the victim is a vulnerable elderly person, no. But if it's a neuro typical man in his 30s then yes, of course he should

EvaHarknessRose · 30/04/2019 18:49

You have an argument and a point of view, but in order to protect and provide for children the law does not agree with you. So your choices are pay and don’t be involved, or pay and also seek contact.

Yes you have likely been lied to, however it may be more helpful and less destructive to yourself to think ok there was always a chance of contraception failure, it has happened, this is a route I didn’t expect to go down, what would my son and my unborn child want me to do, if they could look back on this moment from adulthood, and can I cope with doing that. Good luck with moving forward with your feelings about this, I do really feel for you.