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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parental leave should be 50/50?

179 replies

MunaZaldrizoti · 30/04/2019 13:19

A system of mandatory use it or lose it. No one "gifting" anything to anyone, just equal entitlement...

OP posts:
sar302 · 30/04/2019 13:48

Wouldn't have worked for us as it currently stands. My husband earns 5 x more than me, so him being on stat pay for 6 months would have cost us a fortune.
I had a terrible birth and was still having regular pelvic floor physio until one year post partum. At 6 months my body was still fucked.

YABU to assume that all situations are the same, and that people can't make their own decisions. I know a number of couples that shared parental leave, 7 months to 5, and it worked for them.

PicsInRed · 30/04/2019 13:48

Suppose we do.

Anyone got it to hand, please?

FenellaMaxwell · 30/04/2019 13:50

...

To think parental leave should be 50/50?
Nuttyaboutnutella · 30/04/2019 13:52

YABU.

My partner is the higher Earner. I'd have to have worked double his hours to keep the same income which would've have impacted our family time. Also it wasn't until my son was 6 months old, that I sought help for PND. Work was the last thing on my mind. Families should do what works for them.

Narya · 30/04/2019 13:54

I think new fathers should absolutely be given more time off to be with their child without suffering a financial disadvantage. I don't think mandatory 50/50 is the answer though - as pp have pointed out bf is an issue apart from anything else! If you are assuming a year of leave, 6 months is a tricky time to be swapping over as if you follow current NHS guidance you might be starting weaning, moving baby to their own room etc

We did 75/25 with DC1, 9 months was a really good age to swap over. Took quite a big financial hit though.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 30/04/2019 13:54

Better idea- give men the same amount of leave as mothers get in addition to, not instead of, maternity leave.

This is how interpreted the OP, hence the talk of Not "gifting" leave. Currently you can each have 50/50 If you want but that comes at the expense of the mother maternity leave. I personally would have loved dp to be at home a bit longer but I wasn't willing to give up some of my maternity leave which felt too short as it is.

stucknoue · 30/04/2019 13:54

Men don't give birth, men cant breastfeed. Dh went back to work after 2 days, that was plenty of leave, his only effort was getting up at 6am and dropping dd1 at a friend, he had a snooze during my labour, then checked his email! There should be choice based on family circumstances

darceybussell · 30/04/2019 13:58

Having shared my leave with my husband, I now think one of the main problems is the amount of notice you have to give an employer, because you just do not know how you're going to feel until you do it. I went into it thinking we would share the leave equally and it would all be fine. I didn't really find it to be fine, but I don't think I would have known that two months before I went back, in order to give my employer notice.

Meandmetoo · 30/04/2019 13:58

Err.......no, bloody ridiculous idea for the reasons other more eloquent posters have said.

Wheresmyvagina · 30/04/2019 13:59

What so if the dad refuses to take the leave the mum has to go back after 6 months? No thanks

Sockwomble · 30/04/2019 14:02

Yabu. People should be able to do what is best for their circumstances. It isn't all about looking after the baby. In our case there was no baby to look but it suited our needs for me to take the full leave.

CalmerComber · 30/04/2019 14:04

How about men fight for their own rights to legally enshrined entitlements to paid time off for infant care without taking away from that which women have fought for and won?

Sexnotgender · 30/04/2019 14:07

How about men fight for their own rights to legally enshrined entitlements to paid time off for infant care without taking away from that which women have fought for and won?

This with bells on!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/04/2019 14:15

I dont think it's as cut and dried as that but there should definitely be some way of encouraging men to take more time off.

I had post birth injuries and took 3 months to heal. I breastfed for 20 months. Still shared parental leave, he took 10 weeks at the end

The more involved men are in looking after their children, the better their bond and the more equal society is (as men will be more likely to take career breaks and take time off to look after children when sick etc)

From what I know of the Scandinavian systems it seems to work

I dont think we should penalise men because they cant give birth. In most (I totally understand not all) cases women have physically healed within a few months

Giantsbane · 30/04/2019 14:16

What CalmerComber said!

My husband wouldn't want to split the time plus I breastfeed to 1yr so wouldn't work for us

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2019 14:19

There is the other part where, however ambitious the mother is, she does want that time with her baby.

Celebelly · 30/04/2019 14:20

@CalmerComber This with bells on.

BlackPrism · 30/04/2019 14:22

I agree - 12 months for BOTH parents at the same time.

Cheby · 30/04/2019 14:22

YABU, unless you want out already abysmal breastfeeding rates to tank even further?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/04/2019 14:24

A third of women are the higher earners in couples though. 1 or 2 % of shared paternity is taken up. That's 98%+ of couples who dont share even the last few weeks

I dont see why encouraging men to take time off to care for their children is a bad idea. So many women on here are annoyed their husband doesn't share the mental load, doesn't put the kids first, dont really look after them by himself etc etc. Surely spending more time being the primary carer would help all of this

I know a few couples that have done it and they now do 50 50 child related stuff

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/04/2019 14:25

What evidence is there that sharing leave reduces breastfeeding? Most people don't breastfeed anyway. The couples I know who have shared leave have had breastfed babies

PicsInRed · 30/04/2019 14:29

Thank you Fenella!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/04/2019 14:29

Maternity leave is for the mother to heal for sure. But it's unlikely to take a full year in most cases. The rest of maternity leave is for the childs benefit to form a strong attachment with primary care givers. I think the attitude women have of 'I dont want to give up MY leave' needs to change. We cant have it both ways - not give dads the same opportunity to bond, then be upset when men aren't as close to their children. And I'm NOT saying that men who dont take time off aren't always as close to their children. But it can surely only help.

Dungeondragon15 · 30/04/2019 14:30

There are pros and cons but I haven't got much sympathy for those that claim it is impossible because their DH earns massive amounts more than they do. If he really is such a high earner they could save for him to take a couple of months off especially if he was paid a certain percentage of his salary, (which is what I think should happen). I'm not convinced that it will effect breastfeeding negatively either given that breast feeding rates are often higher in countries where parental leave is more likely to be shared.

Ultimately, there is never going to be gender equality in the work place as long as women do the majority of the childcare or are perceived as likely to.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 30/04/2019 14:36

I think women get the short end of the stick in this scenario.

They get the pregnancy pains, the delivery or surgery, birth injuries, the endless breastfeeding and every thing that can go wrong with that, the multiple wake ups, the 4 month sleep regression, the loneliness of having only a potato with eyes for company day in day out....

A few months later when baby is sleeping most of the night, in a more predictable routine and doing interesting and cute things during the day, Dad swans in and gets to take over while a chorus of people tell him how wonderful he is for doing it.

Meanwhile a knackered woman who might still be waking up at night to breastfeed, returns to work and gets to spend her breaks sitting alone in a storage closet with pumps squeezing her breasts.

I know all babies are different, but my newborn experience was a hellscape. From 6 months onwards my baby has been an absolute delight. It would have really pissed me off if I'd done all the hard work early on only to have DH come in and do the easy fun part in the name of 'equality.'